Nathalie, I will see to it, that you never forget anything......
As far as Jon, I love him, despite what you, him and anyone else may think.
And no matter what happens I will never do anything to hurt him again.
For you.............. well,.....that will have to be another chapter in my novel. I may hurt others, but never again will I get angry enough to hurt him.
He, like myself has every reason to be angry. I don't blame him for that.
Poor baby, he has had enough shit for a lifetime. And face it, like it or not,
I will see Jon soon enough... I know how much you hate to think of that thought, I would imagine the feeling is the same for him...
But all bullshit aside, one must understand that if wanted bad enough I will do whatever it takes to satisfy myself.
Incidently for you, I suggest YOU may need to look in the mirror, before you begin to place blame on others... Then again, who are YOU anyway?
Why are you the mighty and knoble one. I must ask '' Who died and made you Princess and gave you the authority to judge, critisize and ridicule?
Are you really better than thou?"
And it goes the same for me, yes it does..." Who am I to play God in someone's life.
Who am I to decide what type of punishment one will get, because I feel they have done many injustices to me! "
I'am noone to have that right!!! How hypocritical and unjust of me. Out right wrong!
I ask myself all the time, why I must play God and engage in these senseless and endless power struggles with myself and even more, with others.
And I end up , with the same conclusion every time, it's for the own lack of power and control I don't have in my own life!
Regardless in the end, I must realize, there is no excuse for my negative behavior, especially because the impact is usually quite extreme in every way.
Always affecting everyone, by my destuctive and hurtfull tactics... Something I seemed to learn at a very young age. Watching the most horrific, violent and totally insane destructive behavior go on for many many years between my parents, two people who claimed they loved one another. It was quite sick!
The thing that oddly strikes me the most, is why time after time, do I always end up breaking it down to you and sharing my private thoughts with you, when all along you have hated me also and still do.
Why is it, that I somehow feel like you understand, but in reality, you really couldn't. I mean how could you anyways? You never could say you were 100% open minded when it came to Kristen. You were intimately involved with Jon as well.
You cannot say to yourself Nathalie that you ever really cared for me. You tried to tell me differently, to ensure that your real nature was to never transpire.....
But in the end, you were only, self seeking and position holding, always never to miss a beat, looking out for you and Jon's best interest all the way, despite what he had done to hurt me, only proving myself right...
You had begun fucking with me along time ago..... All the while sitting up, acting like you weren't doing a thing wrong. When it seems to me Ms.Sidline, and I use that lightly, you have had some personal vendetta against myself, from the start.
Oh well, you may think that you and Jon have conquered this battle to only come out on top, but you are so wrong, in reality, noone has won or conquered anything.
Instead.....we have all been defeated, every single one of us... played by each other, just as a pawn is, in a chess game....
And sadly enough Jon is the one who has lost the most... And YOU, pathetic Nathalie over there with him,allowing him to use you for his crutch from the cold reality of how FUCKED UP he really is...
It's no wonder, noone ever changes, you two are constantly feeding off each other. I could really care less what you two do to each other, as long as it doesn't involve myself!
But what does matter......
in the end...
although by different means.....
Jon, you and I, are all running towards the same goal... That desperate search for love, peace and inner happiness.... because , is it not, man and women's deepest need?
It's not the threat of illness or poverty that crushes the human spirit, but the fear that there is noone who truely cares, noone who really understands. It seems as though we all reach desperately for love, and compassion, no matter how heathly, wealthy or wise one may be,
Because the alternative is lonliness.
That is devastating to most. I know it is for myself.
Most of the time I feel that I have lost so much, that I have to find knew things to lose. All I know is there must be a divine point to it all and it's just over my head, that when we die, things will all come clear and we will say " so that was the damn point."
And sometimes I think there is no point at all, and that's the point. All I know is that most people's lives are a great dissapointment to them, and noone leaves this earth, without feeling terrible pain.
And if there is no divine explanation at the end of it all, that's sad! I have the gift of sight, but the truth changes color depending on the light. And tomorrow can be clearer than yesterday. Memory is a selection of images, some illusive, others printed indelibly on the brain...
Each image is like a thread, each thread woven together, to make a tapestry. And the tapestry tells a story, and the story is our past...

One may know someone better in a moment of honesty
Than ever you can in a lifetime of lies...


Trust your feelings...
If you feel sad... cry.
If you feel angry... get mad.
Don't hold it in. Let it out.
But remember these are your feelings.
Don't dump responsibility for your own feelings on anyone else...
Blaming other people will not help....
Even if they are to blame....


Breathe , breathe in the air
don't be afraid to care
Leave but don't leave me
Look around and choose your own ground -
For long you live and high you fly....
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry....
And all you touch and all you see....
Is all your life will ever be.........
Pink Floyd 1973

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