Kevin, Lucy, and Practicing the Honeymoon



(Kevin and Lucy return home from the Wedding rehersal)

L: Well, you know, as wedding rehersals go, I thought ours was absolutly divine. And it was so cute how Reverend MacIntire took every single one of my many, many suggestions.

K: I admit it. It was one of the best ones ever. But let me ask you something. Didn't Mac and Felicia seem just a little strange? Maybe a little reticent?

L: Yeah, yeah. I noticed that right away, but it's okay because I chalked it up to prewedding jitters. You know I think that even the most prepared couples can go through that.

K: Oh.

L: For instance I was thinking in the car on the way home that, you know, maybe we could just practive the honeymoon stuff just so we don't find ourselves trapped in that prewedding nerve thing.

K: Let's sound the all clear. Victor?

L: Oh, Victor?

K: Oh, Victor?

L: Yoo-hoo

K: Are you home?

L: Hello

K: Uh-oh

(Kevin picks up a note from Victor)

L: Hmmm?

K: "Listen up, cats the old man is cooling his jets at a rat pack film festival. Don't wait up."

L: Oh, drat. How unfortunate for us we're all alone.

K: Now, I know that Victor tends to cramp our style from time to time, but you have to admit the old man is just shining here.

L: I love having Victor around. You know that. Besides, I guess at least one of us is seeing some action.

K: Is that a challenge or a complaint?

L: A mere observation.

K: Hmmm... well then I guess it's time we get to that honeymoon rehersal.

L: Oh. You know, I'm really glad you said that because I believe I should get all the loving in I can. You know, the wedding, It'll change all that.

K: Excuse me?

L: You know, I've been worried once you put that ring on my finger... poof... goodbye, romance. Hello those little nitpicky arguments over who gets the last bite of chicken-fried steak. K: Okay I'll bite. Why are you trying to scare me off?

(When we return Kevin is explaining the weather to an unwilling Lucy - who is dressed in a bathrobe, goop on her face, hair up in curlers....)

K: Good news. They're saying cloudy but fair for tomorrow.

L: Hey listen. You really dont have to talk so loud I'm right here.

K: Well, nothing like soggy grass to ruin a pair of white shoes. Your not planning on another red wedding dress, are you?

L: Ha! What if I am? What's it to you, Pal?

K: What are yelling at? Lucy? I get it. I get it. This is a test. It's a test This is the emergency marriage broadcast system speaking. But had this been a real emergancy, I would have been instructed on how to find the nearest attorney, right?

L: No, I want you to look. Come on I want you to take a good, hard look, pal. This is what marriage is all about. This is your future, baby.

K: You got me I admit it. I'm having second thoughts.

L: Oh, no, no, no you don't you're not going anywhere. You are going to be at that chapel. You are going to be there and marry me if I have to drag you by your nose hairs to get you there.

K: Oh, no, no please don't hurt me, Ms. Wicked Old Bitty. Please L: You want wicked? I'm going to show you wicked! Ha!

(Romantic music plays and we see Lucy lying on the couch sans the old housewife costume)

L: Oh, yoo-hoo. Doctor Collins. Doctor Kevin Collins, you're being paged. An emergency page. A romantic house call is in order. Yoo-hoo, Doctor Collins.

(Kevin belches)

K: Oh, nice tone.

L: Oh, Excuse you!

(Kevin enters the living room pushing Lucy's legs off the couch)

K: Excuse you is right! You're in my favorite seat. Come on, come on, come on, move, move, move, move, move.

L: What... What are you doing?

K: First of all I'm losing the music.

(Kevin switches off the music)

L: What?

K: And I'm looking for... (Kevin pushes Lucy off the couch)

L: Oow! Ooow!

K: There it is! The TV remote!

(Kevin turns on the tube)

L: Hey, hey, hey, hey

K: What, what? A man can't watch a ball game in his own home

L: Oh. okay. Very funny. Tit for tat. Sauce for the goose. Payback is fine. But listen, mister tee-shirt, pig-short guy, I dont scare away that easy.

K: Ah, ah, ah. Babe. Babe... later, later.

L: Oh, oh, no. You arent really going to watch some icky sport thingy, are you?

K: You bet I am. And I hope we whoop their butts.

Sportscaster: McFarlin's at-bat. The count is 2-1. Trimble drills a slider past him, and the count goes 2-2. I want to remind everybody that next Tuesday is cap night.

L: Doc, Doc, Doc, come on. This is the night before our wedding. Come on.

(Kevin opens a bad of pork rinds)

K: What, a condeamed man Isnt entitled to a last meal? Oooh, pork rinds! nothing like them.

L: Ewww. All right, that's it. I guess it's time I fight fire with fire. Alright. You want a snack? Are you a little hungry, Doc? Well, this cafeteria right here is open for business.

(Lusy gets up in front of the TV)

K: Lucy, Lucy I cant see the tube

(Lucy removes her robe)

L: Hmm, well is this better?

(Kevin seems convinced)

K: That's enough TV for one night! Who knew pork rinds were such an aphrodesiac?

(We see Kevin and Lucy the next morning - Kevin of course is blindfolded)

L: I have arranged a lovely champane prewedding breakfast, so sit down be careful.

K: Lovely, huh?

L: Yeah.

(Kevin plays with the blindfold)

K: Oh, I'd love to see how lovely it is.

(Kevin attempts to remove the blindfold as Lucy protests)

L: Oh, no, oh Doc! No, no, no, no, no, no. Do not do that. It is very bad luck for you to see me before the wedding.

K: Well, It's worse luck to have the groom-to-be hobble up the aisle with a broken ankle. And why is it women can see?

L: I dont know. That's just sort of the tradition. The groom cant see the bride, not vica versa.

K: Talk about your double standards

L: Well, I didnt think it not my fault. Besides you know I want to spend this last single morning just the two of us so could you please, please indulge me?

K: Hve I ever denied you anything?

L: No.

K: Where's Victor?

L: Oh I sent Victor to check on the flowers at the wedding chapel. I can't believe it. Doc we're really going to do it. We are going to be Doctor Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Collins at that very chapel.

K: I know. Finally. You know Lucy, I know we were jokinng last night, but come what may, old age, fat, wrinkled, IRS audit...

L: No bite your toungue

K: Whatever surprises life brings, bring it on. I cant wait to make you my wife and take you off the market.

L: Oh Doc, I took myself off the market a very, very long time ago because you... you bring out the best in me and I love you more then I ever, ever, thought I could love anybody. And I am so honored to become your wife.

K: You know, I dont need to see you to know you.

L: I know. I feel like an open book to you.

K: Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person you've ever let read past the first chapter.

L: And you still kept right on reading and for that, i am very grateful.

K: Are you kidding? I've never been trusted like this. Now about those traditions do you think it's bad luck for the bride-and-groom-to-be to share an open book before the wedding?

L: Oh well let's see

K: Hmmm?

L: i think as long as you dont see me anything goes.

(Kevin begins to loosen Lucy's robe)

K: Oh. Well, lets start with this robe.

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