Indy and Bond

Thursday, 2/22

(At base camp, Lucy's room, everyone eats.)

Kevin: Would you look at the bunch of you? You're wolfing down that food like its the last meal you'll ever eat.

Mac: So?

Lucy: Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Luke: You never know.

Kevin: I can't believe we're even taking the time to eat. Now, can we get on with this, so we can put this ridiculous and dangerous situation behind us once and for all?

Luke: You're really not cut out for this kind of work, are you, Doc?

Kevin: (Fingering Norma's clothes) It gets old, believe me. Now, if I could interrupt everyone's meal time long enough to get a realistic take on exactly where we stand and what we hope to accomplish today. I'd be most grateful.

Lucy: You see, it's just, he's a very linear thinker.

Mac: Sometimes it comes in handy.

Luke: Well, we can only hope. All right, let's see what's up.

(And they discuss the plan, again. Luke concludes...)

Luke: ... stirring up the pot by crying in his pretzels.

Kevin: Please, please, please, don't mix metaphors. I really hate that.

Lucy: Over the fact that she is clearly preoccupied with somebody else.

Kevin: Which could clearly convince Damian of two things. That either you are trying to lure him into a trap, which appears to be the case or, it feeds his pathetic hope that you've finally come to your senses and you want to run away with him.

Mac: We're banking on the latter. Kevin: I know that. I'm not thrilled with either option.

Luke: Lesser of two evils, hold that mind set.

Kevin: Thank you so much for that.

Lucy: Doc, I understand why you're uncomfortable with this, but what else are we supposed to do? I mean, we can't very well just go home without him, can we?

Kevin: I'll concede that much.

Luke: Look, nobody's saying you're nuts for being worried.

Mac: Right, look, we have to keep in mind what's at stake for Damian.

Luke: Basically, everything.

Mac: And, if he feels at all jeopardized by Lucy, we could be in a lot of trouble.

Kevin: Somehow, I don't find this conversation at all reassuring.

Luke: Well, it all comes down to you, babe. Can you handle him?

Lucy: You bet I can.

Luke: Hey, Luce, I wrote this last night, pass your pretty peepers over it and tell me if it works.

Lucy: A letter to Damian...

(Lucy reads Luke's letter.)

Mac: That sounds like it's going to work.

Kevin: You think?

Luke: Well, it should at least tweak his interest enough to initiate contact.

Kevin: To either make this deal, whatever it is... Do we know what it is?

Luke: Don't matter, whatever Lucy wants it to be.

Kevin: Or he'll just choke her where she stands.

Luke: Those would be the options.

Kevin: Great. Thank you, thank you for clarifying that.

Mac: It'll work, no matter the reason, as long as Damian shows up, we'll grab him before he has a chance to act.

Kevin: Well, I'm telling you, both, Lucy better come out of this without so much as a hangnail.

Lucy: Doc... that's very, very sweet of you to be worried about me, but I'll be fine, I promise. I've had plenty of Damian experience under my belt.

Kevin: I could have gone my whole life without that reminder. Luke: Look, are you down with this or not, Doctor? Because if you're not, just say so.

Kevin: Obviously I am, Luke, or I wouldn't be dressed this way, now would I?

(Later, Lucy's trolling for Damian. Norma and Eve hover nearby.) Norma: Do you think I've gained weight?

Mac: How should I know?

Norma: Well, I'm only wondering because it felt like my clothes were a bit snug.

Eve: You look the same to me.

Norma: Two pounds, I'd wager money.

Eve: Ohhh... that much.

Norma: You know, I think it was that box of chocolates.

Eve: Yeah, that'll do it.

Kevin: Come to think of it, though, I think Lucy ate most of those chocolates. I don't think she put on any weight.

Mac: Will you just stop, Kevin, you're obsessing.

Kevin: Am I?

Mac: Trust me, I know the signs.

Kevin: I know what it is. (Norma) It's these clothes, something weird comes over both of us... (Kevin) whenever we have to put them on. I tell you, Mac, I want this over and done with and I mean, for good.

Mac: I get the message.

Kevin: I mean not even for Halloween. I'm serious, Mac, after this, Norma and Eve bite the dust.

Mac: Well, you just keep in mind why they're back. Damian Smith. Kevin, we can be rid of this guy, get him out of our lives for good. When I think about what he's tried, what he's still trying to do with Katherine, I just want to... I want to rip his throat out.

Kevin: I feel the same way, I swear. Believe me, when you talk about obsession, that's Damian when it comes to Lucy. You're right, whatever we have to do, it's worth it.

Mac: (Patting Kevin on the shoulder) Good girl.

Kevin: I don't mean to complain.

Mac: Go ahead...

Kevin: I'm getting hot, which isn't surprising when you consider we're sitting right in the sun and I'm wearing sweats.

Mac: Well, if you'd like to take off your blouse and show the world your flat, hairy chest...

(Don't take us there, Mac.)

Kevin: I'm perspiring, Mac. Do you know what that means? Runny make-up.

Mac: So, wipe off your face.

Kevin: Well, now who's getting crabby?

(Kevin wipes his brow and manages to push up his wig. April and June spot him.)

Mac: Heads up on the wig..

. (Too late...)

Friday, 2/23...

(Back as base camp, Lucy's room, they're all eating, again. The guys are eating veggies and Lucy's eating cheese-drenched nachos.)

Luke: So, how is it, we're stuck with the lo-cal, low fat, low taste food and you get all the good stuff?

Lucy: Gotta be my metabolism, I guess, you know, it's very speedy, everything I put into my mouth just seems to turn into instant energy.

Kevin: Irritating, isn't it?

Mac: Yeah, well, if Kevin tries it, it goes right to his hips.

Kevin: Very funny

. (He smacks Mac.)

Lucy: (To Luke) You know, you're very thin, you could probably handle it. Here, dig in, help yourself.

Luke: No, no, you go ahead, you snarf down, you're going to need your energy. Besides that goop is bad for an old man's ticker and my blood pressure is already up, waiting for Damian's response to your letter.

Lucy: You know, I find it very rude. It's actually very offensive. I'm not used to having my overtures ignored.

Kevin: I can vouch for that.

(Lucy smacks Kevin.)

Mac: That may be his strategy. Look, he might be trying to undermine your confidence, so he can get the upper hand.

Kevin: I really hate this.

(April and June deliver a message from Damian. Lucy is to meet Damian in the women's sauna.)

Kevin: The women's sauna? How's he going to manage that?

Luke: My bet is he can get anywhere in this place he wants to, but Sam can't, so we're going to have to be careful. Eve and Norma, are you ready to sweat?

Kevin: Been there, done that.

Luke: Look, you wanted close participation didn't you, Doc? Get over there, scope the place out and make sure that when Lucy shows up, everything is cool.

Kevin: My purse... We're on it.

(Kevin and Mac arrive at the sauna. Mac is checking out a blonde wearing only a towel. Kevin smacks him.)

Kevin: Pay attention, will you?

Mac: I was.

Kevin: We have an important decision to make, how much are we going to take off for the sauna?

Mac: Well, we can't go in there and sweat in our sweat clothes.

Kevin: Well, we'd be a good deal more conspicuous without them, don't you think?

Mac: Yeah. Hey, no biggie, look, look what everyone is wearing. See that? I mean, everyone's got on these nice, comfy terrycloth robes, with hoods, no less. Look, we just grab a couple of those and wrap ourselves real snug...

Kevin: Snug being above the chest-hair line. We'll die of asphyxiation.

Mac: Inside there's low light, once we're in, we can loosen things up a little bit. Let's just act very modest and genteel.

Norma: Genteel, genteel... (Kevin) How genteel am I going to look wrapped up like an Eskimo wearing a wig and make-up running down my face.

Mac: I told you to go for the waterproof.

Kevin: I'll have mascara coming down in rivulets, rivulets...

Mac: That's because you wear too much, too much.

Kevin: I do not, I do not.

Mac: You do, too. You do, too. I was supposed to be the tart, Kevin.

Kevin: Oh, just forget it. Let's get the robes. Where are they? Where do they keep them? What are we going to do?

(There seem to be no robes, but Mac spots...)

Mac: Towels, towels.

Kevin: Towels. That's not enough. That's barely enough to cover my bare willie.

Mac: Just, well, we'll wrap or tie or do something and we'll put them together and you can do one of those sari numbers. Spa attendant: Here you are, ladies. I rather expect you were looking for these.

Norma: Oh, rather. Thank you very much.

Eve: Where we come from, we're not used to exposure.

Norma: It would be quite improper.

Spa attendant: You British are so old-world. It's charming.

Eve: Rather...

Kevin: All right, now all we have to do is find some place to change our clothes.

(They do and enter the sauna. Norma's dissertation on saline moisture and the sweat glands clears the room.)

Kevin: Did I offend someone, you think?

Mac: I don't know why. I found your discussion on excretions perfectly fascinating.

Kevin: Well, to tell you the truth, I just needed a little bit of privacy.

(Kevin opens his robe, for air, one assumes, and flashes Mac.)

Mac: Oh man, close that up, will you?

(Mac pours some water and cranks up the steam.)

Kevin: What are you doing? Are you nuts?

Mac: I'm getting a little humidity in here.

Kevin: You're crazy. My face is almost at meltdown as it is.

Mac: Ah... excuse me. (Beating himself.)

Kevin: What now?

Mac: It's called a sauna cudgel. It's used to stimulate circulation, enhance the sauna experience. You want to try it?

Kevin: No, actually, I had my fill of masochism once before and I never developed a taste for it. Shouldn't something be happening?

Mac: Soon.

Kevin: What do we do if Damian gets here before Lucy?

Mac: Act coy. Hey, this could be it.

(It's April and June.)

Kevin: Both of them.

A/J: Hi guys.

Norma: Oh, hello, please do keep the door shut. We've just gotten the humidity right where we like it.

A/J: No problem.

(April and June lock the door, with Kevin and Mac inside the sauna.)

Mac: You know what this means, don't you?

Kevin: That we're about to sweat to death?

Mac: No, that somewhere along the lines our covers were blown. I don't know where.

Kevin: Yeah, but where?

Mac: I don't know, I thought we'd perfected our personas, unless...

Kevin: What?

Mac: April and June are personas, too.

Kevin: Well, if they are, they've gone to the trouble of surgical augmentation. Oh no...

Mac: What?

Kevin: Our clothes are out there.

Mac: You wanna bet?

Kevin: Oh, they wouldn't. Mac: Oh yes, they would. Damian is nothing, if not efficient.

Kevin: Which means, this whole thing, the message to Lucy, this certain rendezvous...

Mac: It's a set-up.

Kevin: Which means... Lucy!

Mac: Kevin, just calm down, OK? Lucy is probably still with Luke.

Kevin: Not for long, we've got to get out of here, come on. It opens inside.

(They try to force the door.)

Mac: It's probably dead-bolted.

Kevin: Why would a sauna need a deadbolt?

Mac: For dead people to produce now and then, on occasion. You know, this place isn't owned by Jack La Lane. There's gotta be a way out of there. There's gotta be a way out of there. Hey, there, look, up there, there's a grate in the wall.

Kevin: We're going to escape through a heating vent? That will take us to the boiler, not that it would feel any different.

Mac: It's a vent, Kevin. It's a vent and it's our only way out unless you'd rather wait here and wait for someone to come and rescue us.

Kevin: And who's going to rescue Lucy?

(Mac's reaching for the grate.)

Mac: I'm not going to make it. I need a hand, come on. (Kevin gives him a leg-up.)

Mac: Hold on, there's just a couple screws...

Kevin: Use your fingernails. Come on, come on...

Mac: I almost got it.

Kevin: You got it.

Mac: Yeah.

Kevin: OK, now, how do we both get up there? Come on... one, two, three...

(Time for another leg-up.)

Monday, 2/26...

(A dust-covered Mac escapes via the vent and unlocks the sauna door for Kevin.)

Kevin: 'Bout time. Are you all right?

Mac: Yeah, let's check the lockers.

Kevin: They even took our shoes.

Mac: We gotta get to Lucy before Damian does. Those amazons didn't lock us in the sauna for their own good.

Kevin: Where are you going?

(Mac walks back into the sauna and comes out carrying...)

Mac: Here, take the sauna cudgel, just in case.

Kevin: Oh, this'll terrify them. Come on, let's get Lucy.

(And they're off and running. Alas, they run into April and June.)

Mac: Good grief.

Kevin: I warn you, I happen to be a black belt.

Mac: You are?

Kevin: Do you have any other bright ideas? All right, don't move and no one will get hurt.

A/J: Give it your best shot, honey.

Mac: I don't really want to hit a woman.

(Mac gets kicked by an Amazon for his effort, or lack thereof.)

Kevin: Hey...

Mac: On the other hand, I'm open to new experiences.

(And I think Mac and Kevin have been watching the Hope and Crosby road pictures, they yell in unison, distract the amazons and run off. There's lots of slapstick running and chasing and Mac finally backs into an amazon.)

Mac: Hello, girls. Or should I say, women? I'm very PC.

April: This one's mine.

June: Where's the cute one?

Mac: I resent that. I told you before, I don't take advantage of women.

(And he gets kicked again.)

Mac: All right, all right, so much for chivalry.

(Mac decks one of the women.)

April: Come on, baby, let's see what you got.

(Kevin appears and knocks out the other with this trusty sauna cudgel.)

Kevin: Well, I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

Mac: You bet.

Kevin/Mac: Lucy!

(As they head out, a black-robed ninja appears and throws a knife.)

Kevin: How did we get stuck in a James Bond movie?

(The ninja is ready to throw another knife.)

Kevin: We're dead.

(But Mac's clearly a fan of Indiana Jones, not James Bond. Mac pulls a gun out of his cleavage.)

Mac: So much for finesse. Why don't you just drop that, bud?

Kevin: You were packing? Well, thank you very much for telling me. Where were you keeping that thing?

Mac: Eve isn't as well-endowed as she looks. Just tie frick and frack up before they come to. (To ninja) Turn around, give me your hands.

Kevin: You know, Damian's had an awful lot of time to get to Lucy.

Mac: Yeah, I know and by the looks of things, he's ready to spill some blood, so let's move it.

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