Kevin, Lucy and a Duck

Lucy sits, alone in her apartment talking to a turkey decoration

L: "Happy Thanksgiving, Lucy, even though I do have to spend it all by myself.  Well, it's much better than spending it with a joyless person who has no idea, not even a clue - " (the doorbell rings and Lucy rushes to answer it) L: "what he should be thankful for.  It's him!  It's gotta be Kevin! It's gotta be him!  Oh, goody, goody!  Oh, I hope he thinks I'm gonna reinvite him, because I am NOT going to reinvite him, I'm going to ruin his day like he ruined mine.  Hi - "

(She says this last word as she pulls the door open) Delivery guy: "Ms. Coe?  I have your special-order free-range duck."

L: "Oh.  Well, I don't need it any more - take it back."

Delivery Guy: "I can't take it back.  It comes from Long Island."

L: "Well, you don't understand.  You see, I don't have anyone to share Thanksgiving with anymore."

Delivery Guy:  "Well, now you have one duck.  Sign here."

(He holds out a clipboard in one hand, and a duck cage in the other.)

L: "Excuse me, but that is a - that's a live duck!  That duck is not ready for cooking!"

Delivery Guy:  "He's as ready as he'll ever be." L: "Oh, well, I guess maybe he eats worms, does he?"  (She signs the clipboard and takes the cage from him.)  "Okay, well, here, there you go.  Goodbye.  See ya."

(Lucy struggles to handle the cage and close the door.)

L: "Good grief!  Well, you certainly are a fine-looking little fellow, aren't you.  So, what am I going to do with you?"

Lucy's first stop is the Port Charles Grill, where they refuse to cook the duck for her  Meanwhile, Kevin arrives at the Brownstone to share Thanksgiving with that crowd.  Tony greets him, and then Kevin heads over to get a drink.  Mac is at the bar

K: "Hello, Mac."

M: "Hey, g'day, Kevin."

K: "So, what is all this Thanksgiving fuss about anyway?"

M: "Pilgrims.  Look, I'm not from here either."

K: "Pilgrims.  Pilgrims?  I think pilgrims are just an excuse to overindulge in various gluttonous activities."

(The guys laugh. They talk about past days when they had things to be thankful for)

M: "Notice we're both here talking in past tense, which leads me to a very important question."

K: "A wiser man than I once said, 'Consider your questions carefully - you might not like the answer.'"

M: "You can't be serious!"

K: "One element of my craft is helping people find answers that are too painful to reach by themselves."

M: "No, I meant I can't believe that you'd actually think that someone is wiser than you are."

K: "What's your question?"

M: "How can one be truly thankful when there is something fundamentally wrong in the universe?"

K: "My, that's profound.  How long have you been rehearsing that?"

M: "I thought of it just this very moment."

K: "Well, I think the point of this day is to acknowledge that, though our problems may seem great, there are still many things to be thankful for."

M: "Oh, no doubt.  I mean, I was in Somalia, remember?"

K: "So, I ask hesitantly, what problem is so great that it seems to eclipse the surfeit of blessings in your life?"

M: "Well, the problem is women - or, more to the point, the lack thereof."

K: "Maybe you should be discussing this on a radio call-in show."

M: "I suspect I'm not alone in this. "

K: "Are you implying that I'm not - "

M: "Look, Kevin, I know that you and Felicia are just friends.  And I don't see Lucy around here anywhere, do you, hmm?  Lucy?  And I know about worm crawl."

K: "The most inopportune incident, I have to admit."

M: "So, here we are, two dashing, eligible young bachelors - and how do I put this?  Are you getting.... having.... you know!"

K: "No."  (a pause)  "Are you?"

M: "No."

K: "You're right.  There's something radically wrong."

M: "Happy Thanksgiving."

K: "Mmm. 

M: "Want a refill?"

K: "Double."

(the guys get up to head back to the bar.)

Lucy arrives at the Quartermaine mansion.  She is greeted by Reginald.

L: "Excuse me.  I have a very urgent matter to discuss with Edward and    it cannot wait."

R: "I'm sorry, Ms. Coe, there's a family party going on."

L: "Well, so, there's no problem there, is there, because I used to be a Mrs. Quartermaine."

R: "Yeah, I wasn't here, but I've heard the stories."

L: "Well, then, good!  Then you'll know they hold me in the highest esteem, not only personally, but as a member of the ELQ board. This is a very urgent matter. So please, go announce me."

R: "May I take your duck?"

L: "No!  Just go, go, go, go, go!"

R: "I'll hang up your coat.  Just wait right there."

In the den, the family has been indulging in a who-is-the-most-miserable competition.  Lila has had enough.

Lila: "I must say, I think you are all behaving quite petulantly."

Edward: "Oh, for Pete's sake, Lila, it's a family holiday."

Monica: "Yeah, Lila, if you were looking for a nice, upbeat family, I think you picked the wrong crowd."

Lila: "Surely there must be something we can all be thankful for."

(Reginald opens the door.)

Reg: "Uh, Ms. Coe is here on an urgent matter."

Ned: "Perfect timing as usual, Reginald."

Lucy: "Hello, everyone.  Happy Turkey Day and Thanksgiving and all that. I hope I'm not intruding on any special little family celebrations or anything like that, but I do have a very urgent matter to discuss with you."

Alan: "Oh, fine.  Well, we were just roasting chestnuts on the fire."

Lucy: "I don't see any chestnuts."

Edward: "So, what is this urgent matter?"

Lucy: "Duck!"

(The Quartermaines all bend over, nearly hitting the deck.  Lucy holds up the duck cage.)

Edward: "I beg your pardon?"

Lucy: "I ordered duck for my Thanksgiving dinner, and this is what they sent me."

Jason: "I'm sure there's a story here."

AJ: "And unless we're lucky, I'm sure we're going to hear it."

Ned: "It looks a little bit underdone still."

Lucy: "Thanks to the chef at the Port Charles Grill."

Edward: "You got a live duck at the Grill?"

Lucy: "No!  But I did go there to ask for their help in preparing this poor bird's untimely demise, and Carl and his staff were definitely unhelpful."

Monica: "Oh, I can't imagine."

Edward: "So, why are you here?"

(Lucy walks over to Edward, tripping over everyone in her path and carrying the cage.)

Lucy: "Because, I am a shareholder of ELQ, which means I am a part-owner of the Grill.  And I am very unhappy with the way it's being run.  I'm also very unhappy about having to lug this feathered friend of mine all over the place.  And, Edward, I want to know what you're going to do to make me happy again."

AJ (to Ned): "Gee, Cousin, it's your company, it's your hotel.  Now what are you going to do to help Lucy?"

Edward: "Yes, Ned, what ARE you going to do?"

Ned: "Me?"

A chorus of voices: "You."

Ned: "Well, Lucy, surely you appreciate that Thanksgiving day is one of the busiest days of the year at the Grill, and undoubtedly the staff had their hands full."

(Lucy walks over to Ned, still toting the duck cage.)

Lucy: "Oh, so they were too full and too busy to help out one of their owners?"

Ned: "They were very busy protecting your investment.  The more happy customers, the bigger the return."

Alan: "Oh, good one, Ned."

AJ: "Yeah, but what about her duck, Ned?"

Lucy: "Yes, Ned, what about my duck?"

(Lucy shoves the cage into Ned's unwilling hands.)

Ned: "Uh, thank you, AJ.  Lucy, I'm sure we can work something out.... can't we, Reginald?"

(Ned thrusts the cage at Reginald.)

Reg: "Excuse me?"

Ned: "Isn't there something you can do to help out Ms. Coe, like take the duck out back someplace and -"

Reg: "You want me to do in the duck?"

Ned: "Works for me."

Lucy: "Yes, please, please, please, please."

Reg: "I'm sorry.  I like to think that I give my all in service to the family, but I gotta draw the line with canardicide."

Alan: "Canardicide?"

Lila: "Reginald, I thought you drew the line at worms."

Reg: "Well, worms and ducks, ma'am."

Ned: "I'll make it worth your while."

Reg: "Please don't ask me to compromise my fundamental principles."

Edward: "Oh, for the love of Mike!"

Lucy: "Look, Reginald, I will grovel, I will beg, I will plead, I'll get down on my knees!"

Reg: "I'd rather you didn't."

(He hands the cage back to Lucy.)

Lucy: "Well, what am I supposed to do with him?  I can't just carry him around all day.  You know, he is getting rather heavy, and actually I'm getting attached to the little fellow."

Lila: "Perhaps you'd like to join us for a drink, Lucy, while you consider the possibilities."

(The whole family makes frantic arm gestures to try to warn Lila off from this suggestion, but it's too late.)

Lucy: "Well, Mother Quartermaine, isn't that very sweet of you to ask. I will have a wine spritzer, I could really use one.  It's so nice of you to ask me to join in your little family festivities here, especially considering your family being under so much pressure these days."

Lucy goes on to unintentionally offend, embarrass, depress, or alienate every person in the room - except Ned - with one tactless remark or another; the family members wind up passing the duck cage - around as Lucy spreads gloom.  Lucy finally gives up.

Lucy: "Well, well, well, well.  I think maybe, perhaps, perhaps, maybe I'd better be running along so I can find a real solution to my dinner companion problem here."

AJ: "Well, be careful on the road there, Lucy - you wouldn't want to have a quack-up."

Lucy: "I'm going to ignore that little remark, because the rest of your family has been so kind in sharing their holiday cheer."

Jason: "Well, don't mind my brother.  He's a wise quacker."

Lucy: "I've got to go now." (She turns back, walking over to Ned, who wards off the duck cage with anxious gestures.) "Oh, Ned, listen, do give my best regards to your little wifey.  You know, I do think she's a marked improvement over Katherine..... Come on, ducky.  Ta!"

(Lucy leaves, Reginald shuts the door, and the family sits in stunned silence until Monica remarks:)

Monica: "Nothing like a quiet family holiday, is there?"


Back in her car, Lucy tries to explain to the duck about his intended fate, even going so far as to sing a phrase from "The Circle of Life"   She suggests that it is the duck's karma to be eaten this time around, and then latches onto the idea that, in a past life, the duck was an enemy of hers - probably Victor Jerome.  She tells the duck about Kevin and his inhibitions.  Then she realizes, that she is bonding with the duck.

Lucy's next stop is the Brownstone.  She walks in, interrupting a screaming match between Mac and Robin.  She is carrying the duck, now out of his cage, in her arms.

Lucy: "The door was open, so I just let myself in.  Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!"

The assembled group stares at Lucy and her duck in amazement.  She , sees Kevin, and stares at him coldly.

Tony: "Well, Lucy, Happy Thanksgiving."

Bobbie: "Who's your friend?"

Lucy: "My duck, which was to have been my dinner with my friend, who obviously wasted no time whatsoever in making alternative plans."

Kevin: "Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Lucy."

Tony: "Would you like to join us?  Come on, have a drink, maybe.  What does a duck drink?"

Lucy: "No, Tony, thank you, that's very, very kind of you to ask, but my duck and I won't be staying.  We wouldn't dream of intruding on your little party here.  I just had this wild thought, you know, as my favorite former husband and a brilliant surgeon, I just thought you might be able to devise a quick and painless way to render this duck an oven-ready comestible.  But I have since changed my mind.  It seems to me this duck is the only friend I have left in the whole, entire world."

Kevin: "If that's directed at me, Lucy, it's hyperbole and it's gratuitous."

Lucy: "You rat!  You turned right around and wrangled an invitation out of her, didn't you?"

Kevin: "Oh, for heaven's sake, Lucy!"

(Lucy astonishes Kevin by depositing the duck into his arms.  The duck, who was still and calm up to this point, starts to struggle.)

Lucy: "Pluck the duck, Kevin!  I am going to Puerto Rico!"

Lucy leaves, nearly knocking Mac over in her haste to get out the door. Soon thereafter, Bobbie and Felicia discover that the turkey is on fire; Tony puts it out with a fire extinguisher while Mac suggests Chinese take-out.

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