Kevin, Lucy and Loving Someone

Lucy visits Kevin.  She wanders into his office clutching BJ's baby outfit and a bunch of pansies.  He's not sure what is going on, but he can tell that something is wrong.  He watches Lucy intently as she speaks, tears in her eyes and emotion clogging her voice.

L: "Do you see this?  You see how tiny it is?  Well, BJ used to be tiny enough to fit in this.  I know that because I used to rock her and sing to her, and I would bathe her, and I would make her smile when she got cranky, and this was filled out by her tiny body.  And now all that's left of her is that - just a little girl body, dead in the ground.  And now, you tell me, how am I supposed to figure that this world is a good thing when horrible things like that are allowed to happen?  Is that the lesson that we're supposed to learn from life?  How to deal with it, how to deal with horrible things that happen that just don't make any sense?"

(Kevin stands up Lucy in his arms .)

L: (crying) "Oh, Kevin, it's her birthday today."

K: "Oh, my God.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."

L: "So tell me, when oh when does this start making sense to me?"

(Lucy takes a step back out of Kevin's arms.  He wipes a tear off her cheek.)

K: "Lucy, I've been asking myself that question for years now.  All that I've been able to come up with is, 'maybe never.'"

L: "So, what are we supposed to do?"

K: "We accept what we can't change, and we get on with the business of living."

L: "No, no, I don't want to accept it.  I do not want to.  I refuse to accept the unacceptable."

K: "Then what are you going to do?"

L: "I'll fight it.  You just change it."

K: "How?  Lucy, shaking your fists and railing at the gods doesn't do anything except make your arms tired.  And it won't bring BJ back. Yes, her loss is unacceptable and it's unspeakable.  And, no, it doesn't make any sense.  But you could spend the rest of your life looking for answers and never find one that satisfies you.  We go on.  That's the only real choice that we have."

(Kevin moves behind his desk.)

L: "What are you doing?  You think you know everything here, don't you? What right do you have to just stand there, droning at me, telling me I'm supposed to passively accept the unacceptable?  Well, tell me something.  Have you ever lost someone that you really loved?  Or, better yet, have you ever loved anybody, Kevin?

K: "Well, I don't know.  Let me think about that one for a minute, Lucy.  I suppose that depends on what you mean by loss.  If betrayal and disillusionment is loss, I suppose Ryan qualifies.  Or if it means death, let me think.  There's my mother, there's my father  there's my stepmother, there's my..... friend."

(Kevin is close to tears himself.)

L: "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.  I just struck out at you because there's nobody else and you're just an easy target right now, Kevin.  I didn't mean to hurt you."

(Kevin takes Lucy in his arms again.)

K: "It's okay, Lucy."

L: "I'm sorry."

K: "It's okay.  It's okay."

And he holds her as she cries again, but this time we can see the pain on his own face.  When we rejoin them, Lucy has calmed down.

L: "I think I already know the answer.  You just keep everyone and everything at arm's length."

K: "Ah.  But what about love, Lucy?"

L: "What about love?  Love never works out.  Men just leave because you're never good enough, or you just don't do enough.  And I loved Dominique.  She was my - well, she was my only friend.  So then there's Scotty and Serena and now BJ.  So you tell me, what am I supposed to do?  Am I supposed to just keep putting myself out there over and over and over again and just keep getting hurt?"

K: "But we can't regulate who we love, Lucy.  It either happens or it doesn't.  But once it does, you don't get a vote.  You're automatically vulnerable."

L: "You didn't answer my question, as usual.  Have you ever been in love?"

K: "Oh, haven't we all."

L: "You're evading."

K: "And maybe there's a reason for that."

L: "Well, that's too darn bad.  You know, you can't just dispense advice to people all the time about how they should or shouldn't handle their emotions.  Because you know something, Doc, I never see you walking around with your heart on your sleeve.  And you know why I think that is?  Because you, perhaps, are probably the most  buttoned-up person emotionally I have ever met in my entire life."

K: "All right, Lucy, enough.  I have been in love, okay?"

L: "Okay.  And?"

K: "I lost her.  Do you understand?  I lost her.  There.  I just gave validity to your very gloomy philosophies.  Now, are you happy?"

L: "No, of course not.  Okay, so I say I'm sorry again.  You are being sweet and listening and being wonderful and supportive and I'm being absolutely vile."

K: "Yes, you are.  But I understand where it's coming from and I shouldn't have snapped at you."

L: "Yes, you should have snapped at me.  But you did prove my point, don't you see?  If you put yourself out there, you lose.  You get burned.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I just don't feel like it anymore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I am going to stick to what I am very, very good at."

K: "Oh, like causing trouble and playing games."

L: "I don't choose to see it that way, but, yeah."

K: "You are amazing.  You know, Lucy, I don't delude myself into thinking that there are limits to the ways that you will justify your aberrant behavior with Damian.  But using BJ's death, now that is something I never would have considered."

L: "How can you even say that to me?"

K: "Because that's exactly what you're doing."

L: "Will you tell me something, Doctor?  Where did you get your stupid little diplomas on your stupid little wall?  Did you get them at those stupid little rummage sales you go to?  Because you, after all this time, don't know even one single thing about me.  So promise me you'll remind me not to hand out any more of your cards."

Lucy picks up her pansies off his desk and storms out of Kevin's office.

We next see Lucy in tears at BJ's grave.  She leaves her bouquet of pansies at the foot of the gravestone; then she rests her head against the headstone in tears. 

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