Kevin, Lucy & Capucchino Muffins


On this particular morning, Kevin is in his office, drinking coffee and thinking back to part of his conversation with Felicia.  We can hear the sounds of a thunderstorm in the background.  Lucy bursts into Kevin's office without knocking (as usual) and disturbs his reverie.  She is carrying a paper bag.

L: "Do you think we that should build an ark?  I do, because, you know, I am getting really tired of this rain, and it's very depressing for me, and I figured I needed some sort of cheering up, and the only way I could figure to cheer myself up was to get a capuccino muffin and a good cup of coffee and see you."

K: "I'm expecting a patient."

L: "Well, see, I learned that sharing lesson that you've been trying to teach me, and I brought you a muffin too so you don't have to be so grouchy."

K: "Mmm.  Beware of Lucy bearing gifts."

L: "Well, why don't you eat.  Maybe you're grouchy because you're hungry.  Here - eat up."

(Lucy pulls a cup of coffee out of her bag, but then she hesitates.)

L: "Mmm.  Whoa, you know, your coffee smells a whole lot better than mine."

(Lucy looks expectantly at Kevin.  He rolls his eyes and pours her a cup of coffee out of his thermos.)

L: "Ah, thank you very much.  And, you know, speaking of eating, Felicia certainly is blossoming, isn't she?  Do you think it's all your gourmet cooking?"

K: "No comment."

L: "Ah.  She is pregnant, isn't she?  I just knew it!"  (Lucy sits on top of Kevin's desk and picks up her coffee.)  "Do you have any milk to go in this?  I could really use milk - I like mine with milk - never mind."  (She evidently noted Kevin's forbidding stare.)  "So, who's the father?"

(Kevin simply looks at her and drinks his coffee.)

L: "Surely you can just give me a simple yes or no.  Is Felicia pregnant?"

(The phone rings.  Kevin looks relieved.)

L: "Wait a minute.  Do you have a little button you push under your desk if your patient happens to be staying so you can ring your phone?"

K: "Or people who ask too many questions."

Lucy nibbles at her muffin while Kevin answers the phone.  It's Ann, the patient Kevin was expecting.  Ann has to leave town because her mother is sick.  He hangs up.

L: "Oh, darn, a cancellation.  Goody."

K: "Such compassion for your fellow man, Lucy."

L: "Woman.  Ann, right?"

K: "Curiosity can be a disease."

L: "Mmm.  And satisfaction is the cure.  So, let's get back to the subject of Felicia."

K: "Whether or not Felicia is pregnant is entirely her affair."

L: "An affair!  An affair, that's right, because she never really married Mac, and she's divorced from Frisco.  You know, you'd really think that she would know better, that she maybe would be a little more careful, unless she just doesn't know where babies come from."

K: "Are you deliberately trying to get a rise out of me?  Lucy, if you must gossip, please do it somewhere else?" L: "Gossip?  I am only concerned about a sister."  (Kevin gives her a look that demands a response.)  "Well, I consider all women my sisters."

K: "You consider all women the competition.  Lucy, you're hoping against hope that Felicia is pregnant.  You've got visions of varicose veins and extended bellies dancing like sugarplums in your morbidly jealous head."

L: "Ewww!  I'm not jealous - me?  Jealous of Felicia?"

K: "Oh, at least be honest about it."

L: "For reasons I have yet to fathom, I have been painfully and embarrassingly honest with you from the beginning.  Felicia has nothing that I couldn't have if I wanted it."

K: "Is that so?"

L: "I could be blonde if I wanted to, I mean, blonde comes out of a bottle.  And I am very happy, thank you very much, with my body.  I think it's a very fine body."  (Kevin can't help smiling at this.) "And my brains - I am very happy with all the brains that I have. And you know, when it comes to Felicia, I think her brains are a little bit questionable.  And her life, well, I certainly wouldn't say she has much of a life.  So tell me, Doctor, what is it exactly that I could possible covet that she has?"

K: "Oh, I don't know.  Perhaps an intimate steak dinner for two, replete with confidences which you're now trying to worm out of me?"

L: "Aha!  See, see, I knew it!  You had little secrets, didn't you?"

K: "Oh, give it up, Lucy - you're beginning to bore me."

(Lucy's feelings are hurt, though Kevin doesn't seem to notice.)

L: "Fine.  And your little one-note obsession with Goody Miss Two-Shoes is beginning to bore me."

K: "Oh, this is hardly an obsession.  It's much unlike your fatal attraction for Damian Smith, evinced by several insane wagers, the latest of which is to lure Luke Spencer into adultery.  My God, Lucy, how puerile!"

L: "How what?  What did you just call me?  Don't ever call me that again!"

K: "Puerile."

L: "I don't want to hear that.  Look, this is not some stupid little casual game.  This is the only way that I know I can get my Deception back."

K: "You can justify it any way you want."

(Kevin comes out from behind his desk and walks across the room, his back to Lucy.  She follows, coming up behind him, but he doesn't turn to face her.)

L: "Oh, boy oh boy.  You know, just when I think that maybe we are evolving into perhaps a human relationship, you deliberately turn all dark and distant and ugly on me.  Could you please just tell me what is going on with you.  And don't you dare say 'nothing.'  I am not the little airhead that you want to pretend I am just to protect yourself." (Lucy walks around Kevin to look him in the eye.)  "Ha! I know you.  I know you a lot better than most people in this town, which isn't saying a whole hell of a lot, is it?  But it must be very scary for you to lock yourself inside like you do.  So can't you just open the door a little tiny crack and let some light in? Or is that just too much to risk?"

When we rejoin them, Kevin has retreated behind his desk, using it like a shield as he so often does.  He is studiously flipping through a patient file and trying (without much success) to ignore Lucy.

L: "Something is going on with you today.  You're all raw edges. That's what's making you so snarky.  And it's not Luke or Damian Smith, because that's what you do - you trot out this subject when you want to take the subject off of you.  What is it?  Something personal.  It can't be Felicia being pregnant because it wouldn't put you in this kind of mood.  You know something, you might as well tell me, because I am going to find out one way or another.  And you, sir, you clearly need help."

K: "I need peace and quiet."

L: "Listen, buster, this is a two-way street.  You are not the only one that is allowed to give advice and support."

K: "I choose not to discuss it."

L: "Did you discuss it with Felicia last night?  I bet you did.  Why? Why would you discuss it with Felicia and not me?  Unless you are the father of that child."

K: "Oh, Lucy!"

L: "You know, I wouldn't believe everything she tells you.  It's probably Mac's.  It's got to be.  Well, it could be Frisco's. But neither of them want her."

K: "Oh, damn it, anyway."

L: "Wait, I'm not saying that she would deliberately try and trap you. I'm just saying maybe it's wishful thinking, you know, because you are so damn supportive and so incredibly attractive and honorable and eligible and - "

K: "IT'S NOT MINE!!!!"

L: "AHA!  So she *is* pregnant!"

(Kevin is thoroughly fed up - at himself for spilling the news, and at Lucy for driving him to it.  He starts to speak, stops himself, and heads over to pick up Lucy's raincoat, clearly intending to boot her out of his office.)

K: "Oh, do you have any idea how much I dislike these games?  In fact, I despise them!  Life is too short.  I have better things to do. Why don't you go play with Damian?  Clearly, he likes games.  Hey, for all I know, so does Luke.  Now, will you go and enjoy yourself and leave me alone?"

L: "Tell me something, pal.  Do you ever allow yourself to enjoy anything?  Or what do you like to do?  Do you just like to spend all your time wallowing around in whatever it is that has you all tied up in knots?"

K: "Oh, I have wasted enough time today!"

L: "Ha!  If that doesn't sound like Puritan guilt, I don't know what does."

K: "No.  Guilt is a useless commodity.  I simply want to get on with my day.  Now, if you don't mind."

L: "Okay, fine.  I am not going to win for trying here, am I?  So I'm going to get on with my day."

(Lucy perches on the edge of Kevin's desk, picks up his phone, and begins to dial.  Kevin can't believe her presumption.)

K: "That's my private line."

L: "Oh, gee, afraid Ann might be trying to call?"

(Lucy calls Damian's office to confirm their lunch date while Kevin  looks on, annoyed that she's calling Damian but trying to pretend he doesn't care.  Lucy is surprised to find that Damian isn't in the office, and leaves him a message.)

L: "Well, it's a little odd.  He was supposed to show up for a very important business meeting and he didn't show up."

K: "Do I care about this?"

L: "Sometimes I wonder, Doctor, exactly what it is you do care about."

(Lucy yanks her raincoat out of Kevin's hands and puts it on.)

L: "I'm off."

K: "Oh, and we were having such fun."

L: "One of these days, I am going to show you how to really have fun, and it is going to be quite a revelation to you.  But in the meantime, I am out of here, because you are in a lousy mood, and I do not want to be dragged down into the depths of your doldrums. I'm going to go find somebody else to play with.  Maybe I'll call Luke and ask him to lunch.  Ta."

(She reaches the door and then turns back.)

L: "Oh, oh, oh, one little word of advice, too.  If you want to pursue a relationship with Felicia, maybe you should wait, what, six months?  Pregnant women can be so hormonal."

(From this point forward, the two of them sound like a pair of petulant eight-year-olds.)

K: "Enjoy your lunch with Luke." 

L: "Thank you, Kevin."

(Lucy leaves, slamming the door behind her.  Kevin, his lip curled, imitates Lucy in a childish voice:)

K: "Maybe I'll invite somebody *else* to lunch."

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