Chapter 69


When Victor, Mary, and Lucy returned to Lucy's house, they were suprised to see Kevin sitting on the hood of his car in the driveway. The second Lucy looked at him, she knew something was wrong. Not really sure she wanted to hear it, she walked past him and opened the door.

At first, all Kevin did was pace around the living room. Mary, Victor, and Lucy exchanged confused looks and watched him. Finally, noticing how they were all looking at him, he sighed and sat down.

''Okay, Kevin. Spill it. What's happened?''

His eyes met hers for a moment before dropping to the floor. Taking a deep breath, Lucy stared at him. ''You're not coming back, are you.'' She tried to keep her voice even.

Victor and Mary looked at each other, wondering if they should leave them alone. Finally, Lucy nodded at Mary, and she led Victor into the kitchen.

''No! Nothing like that, Lucy. It's just that.....'' He sighed. ''I don't have the right to dump this on you.''

''Doc,'' Lucy sat on the end of the couch and reached for him. ''We're friends, right? What's wrong? If it's me, tell me-''

''It's not you. If you want the truth, it's me. I'm the one that made everything so confusing. I'm the one that couldn't keep my head on straight, and now-''

''Kevin! What is it?!''

Leaning back, Kevin sighed again. ''I'm here because I was not so politely requested to stay away from the lighthouse while Eve packed.''

Lucy was quiet for a second. ''Eve left you?''

''She and Chris are packing her things as we speak.''

Part of Lucy wanted to jump for joy, but she knew how much this was hurting him. ''This is my fault, Kevin. I'm sorry.''

''No. Lucy, none of this is your fault. I did this. I hurt you, I hurt Eve. I made a total mess of everything. I can't blame Eve for not wanting any part of this.''

''Look,'' It was tearing Lucy apart to say this, but she had to tell him. ''If you really love Eve, go to her. Ryan already knows about the babies. We'll find a way to stop him. I'm not shutting you out, so don't accuse me. I'm telling you that you're off the hook. You can be uncle Kevin, and I'm sure you can make Eve understand.''

''That's not what I want, Lucy. For the last 4 months, I've been their father. I've watched them grow, and felt them kick, and I want to be there when they're born. I love them. I don't think Eve will ever understand. Besides, I'm not sure I want her to.''

''What do you mean?''

''I mean that I feel like I should be..... I don't know, more upset that she's leaving? Be wanting to go there and convince her to stay? Lucy that's just it. I don't want her to stay enough to go fight her and Chris to talk to her. What does that say about me?'' Lucy knew exactly what she hoped it meant, but she wasn't about to volunteer the information.

''I've been trying to decide what I was going to do. I thought I loved her, but every time I got anywhere near you, I didn't understand what I was feeling. I've been confused, and I didn't know how to tell either of you. I know it wasn't fair, I hurt both of you. Mary called me a hormonal teenager this afternoon. At first I was completely offended, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. Lucy, I've spent the last few months playing both sides. Being the family man and Daddy with you, and the complete idiot in the middle of a mid life crisis with Eve. It wasn't that simple, but I get the feeling that's about what it boils down to.''

Lucy had listened to every word he said, trying to figure out where he was headed. This was, by far, the most open and honest he'd been with her since the day he'd left her standing at the altar. She had the impression he wanted her to say something, but suddenly she decided she wasn't going to make it easy for him.

''I guess the way I'm feeling right now is how I've felt all along, I just didn't want to admit it.''

Finally, she spoke. ''How are you feeling?''

''I'm.....'' He shook his head. ''I think I'm actually relieved she's leaving. I think she knew what I was thinking, even though I didn't want to admit it.''

''And...?''

''And..... somewhere along the line I stopped thinking of the babies as Ryan's. I started feeling like they were mine. And I started remembering how it felt when you were mine.'' His eyes finally met hers.

Lucy's heart began to pound in her chest. But she willed herself to appear calm and didn't answer him.

''I've been going through the motions with Eve. And you. The only thing that felt real to me was the way I feel about them.'' He nodded towards her and stared at the babies inside her.

''And now?''

''And now, I'm realizing that it's not just them. It's you. Us. Being a family, the family we both wanted so desperately.'' Standing, he paced around the living room again. ''What does it say about me that it took Ryan to make me realize what I've been doing?'' Lucy watched him intently.

Sitting next to her, he put his hand on the babies and stared at her. ''I kept telling myself that we were over. That we couldn't go back. Trying to convince myself, maybe. I don't know. But being here, with you, getting ready for the babies, has pretty much convinced everyone else what's going on. It just took me longer to figure it out.''

Leaning towards him, Lucy kissed him. She couldn't help herself. Reaching up, Kevin touched her face and inched towards her. For a few minutes, Lucy found herself lost in his touch, wanting him to hold her and tell her he wanted to be with her. But it wasn't right. Pushing gently on his chest, she pulled away from him, tears running down her face.

''Kevin, this isn't right.''

''Lucy-''

''Listen to me. You may have been feeling this way, but you didn't make up your mind. Eve did it for you. I love you, I always have. As far as I'm concerned, you are the father of my children. But I'm not the consolation prize. I won't take you by default. Eve's tired of it, tired of waiting for you to decide what you wanted. I wanted you to CHOOSE be with me, not have Eve tell you that's what you wanted.''

''That's not what this is about. Eve left because she knows I can't get over you. That this isn't about the babies. It's about you.''

''Now it is! I wish, for one minute, you would really consider, not think about, but really understand what you've been doing to me! Getting closer, running away. Back and forth. Tearing me apart, time after time! I know you think this is what you want, and maybe it is. But not right now. I love you, and I know this is what I want, but I've known for a long time. I can't open myself up to this right now. I want to know where YOU'RE coming from NOT EVE.''

********************

Eve took the last bag out to the car and stood in the doorway.

''You going to be okay, Eve.'' Chris's voice was soft.

''I know. I guess that's a big part of it, too. I mean, it hurts, it really hurts. But I'm glad he isn't here. I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore.'' Eve sighed.

Knowing it was the last thing she wanted to hear, but that she needed to, Chris put his hands on her shoulders. ''This should be all you need to figure this out. He doesn't care enough to try to stop you, and you're glad. Come on. He might be a dog, but I do think if he finds anything we missed, he'll send it to you.''

The last thing Eve did was put the key to the door on the dining room table. That was it, and the finality of it hit her. Standing in the doorway, Chris watched her cry. He was glad she'd finally come to her senses concerning Collins, but it made him furious that she was in so much pain.

Barely able to take a last look around, Eve turned to Chris. ''Get me out of here.''

In two steps, Chris reached her and took her hand. ''Come on.'' Leading her outside, they were next to his car before she pulled away.

''I still can't believe my life has become this, Chris. I love him. How did I get here? What is it about me that I keep ending up with these men that hurt me so much?''

''Eve,'' She didn't look at him. Gently, he pulled her chin to face him. ''I don't like him. Never did. But I really don't think he had it in him to plan this. I really think he wanted to be over Lucy. Every bit as much as you wanted to be over Scott.''

''I know he didn't plan this. But I also know it happened. He'll never get over her. I should have known that the day he left her. Even after she lied to him, after he caught her in bed with Scott, after she broke his heart, he couldn't stop caring about her.'' She shook her head. ''He couldn't stop loving her. Chris, I would love to blame her for all of this. I would like to say that she chased him, that she used her babies to get him back.''

''Did she?'' Knowing the answer, he stared at her.

''No. For a few months, she didn't want to see him, she didn't want to talk to him, she wanted nothing to do with him. And it made him crazy. He kept asking Victor about her, kept trying to get her to talk to him.'' She shook her head and wiped her eyes. ''That should have told me everything, right?''

''Eve, sometimes people are just connected. No matter how hard they try not to be. They just keep ending up in each other's lives.''

Eve glared at him.

''This is not one of Lucy's wacko psychic ideas. I'm not talking about souls, or karma, or any of that stuff. I'm talking about two people who care about each other no matter what. They try to get away from each other, they act like they don't care about each other, they may not even see each other for months on end. Hell, they may even be with other people. But in the end, they always end up together.'' His eyes met hers as he spoke, wondering if she understood what he was really saying.

She did. ''Together drinking martinis?''

Her smile almost made Chris's heart melt. ''You got it, kid.'' Kissing her forehead softly, he reached for the door to open it for her. ''Come on. It's always happy hour at my house.''

**********************

''This is where I'm coming from, Lucy. I'm sitting here, admitting how I feel about you. Admitting how I feel about them.'' ''What changed, Kevin? You're suddenly not confused anymore? Now that you don't have Eve run home to, I look good?''

He stared at her. ''You know me better than that, Lucy.''

''Do I?'' After a short struggle, and a little help from him, she stood. ''I thought I did. You showed me I didn't know you as well as I thought. Can you understand where I'm coming from?''

''Yes.'' He moved to stand in front of her. ''I do understand. But you know this is not about Eve. She left because I love you. She knew it. She's known that this wasn't just about the twins.''

''That's it!'' She backed away from him, her anger getting out of control. ''Everyone thought I would use my babies to get to you. No one, including me, for that matter, ever even considered the fact that YOU would use them to get to ME!'' Before he could reply, she began to scream. ''I told you that as far as I'm concerned, YOU are their father! That I was part of the deal. But I'll be damned it that meant that I WAS the deal! Go home, Kevin! I'm not saying I don't love you, or that I don't want you, but not like this. Not because you can't stand to go home to an empty house. I couldn't stand it, I hate to be alone, and you know it. But when YOU didn't want me, you didn't care that I was all by myself. Now that you're all by yourself, you want me back? I don't think so, Doc.'' She poked his chest. ''You go home to an empty house, you stare at the walls, you wonder what you could have done to change things!'' With that, she turned and went upstairs.

Having heard her screaming, Victor and Mary came out of the kitchen. Instantly, Mary glared at him. ''What did you do to her now?''

Kevin shrugged. ''I told her I loved her.''

Confused, Mary ran up the stairs after Lucy.

''Monk, what else did you say to her. I hardly think you telling her you feel the same way she does would invoke this kind of response.''

''Victor, how do I singlehandedly manage to screw up so badly?'' Sighing, Kevin sat down. ''Eve left me. Because I still love Lucy.''

''Let me get this straight. You told Lucy that Eve left you, and you want to be with her?''

''Eve left me BECAUSE I want to be with her.''

''That still wasn't the best way to say it to her, Monk. As much as she loves you, did you think she would be grateful to feel like second best?''

''She's not!'' Kevin stared at Victor. ''I always do or say the wrong thing to her, don't I.''

Sitting next to him, Victor shook his head. ''You know how she feels. You also know that she's pregnant. I'm not saying she's wrong in the way she reacted tonight. But an already high strung, emotional Lucy is twice as bad right now. And as sensitive as she is to anything you say or do, did you stop to think there was a better way to tell her this?''

Kevin stood. ''You're right. She's right. I need to get out of here. Tell her I went home to the empty house.'' With that, he left.

******************

Kevin sat in his car in her driveway for a few minutes, thinking about everything he'd said and done to her since the day he'd found out she was pregnant. How many times he'd told her that he wanted to be involved, only to turn around and tell her how much he loved Eve. Why should she believe him now?

Here I am, playing with those memories again
And just when I thought time had set me free
Those thoughts of you keep taunting me


Holding you, A feeling I never outgrew
Though each and every part of me has tried
Only you can fill that space inside


Just when I thought I was over you.
And just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you

Lucy laid on her bed, facing the wall away from Mary, crying. As much as she'd dreamt of Kevin saying exactly what he's said to her tonight, a part of her was too afraid to take the chance on him again. Part of her wondered if he would have said those things if Eve hadn't decided she'd had enough.

On my own I've tried to make the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you

Finally driving home, Kevin thought about everything that had happened today. When he'd kissed her, it had brought back everything that he knew he's always felt inside. He knew, now, that he belonged with her, but how was he going to convince her that Eve had nothing to do with it?

Just when I thought I was over you
Just when I thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go on without you


Song Credit: Here I Am by Air Supply

Main Fanfic Page