Kevin, Mac, and a Seltzer Bottle


Kevin comes into the Outback.  Mac is behind the bar.  Brenda and Miguel are there too, but who cares.

M: "Look who's here."

(Kevin looks behind him, surprised by the enthusiastic greeting.)

K: (grudgingly) "Hello."

M: "Where've you been keeping yourself?  I haven't seen you around here lately."

K: "I was here a few days ago."

M: "Oh, gee, how time flies.  Can I get you something to drink?  Campari with a lime, or maybe you prefer an Akavit?  See, I make it a practice to know my customers' preferences, especially the regular ones."

K: "Speaking of preferences, I was looking for Felicia."

Miguel informs Kevin that Felicia is in the back.  He goes back to get Felicia after having a brief shouting match with Brenda, but who cares.  Mac tries again to start a conversation with Kevin.

M: "How are things with Lucy?"

K: "You'd have to ask her."

M: "I meant the two of you.  You're obviously seeing a lot of each other?"

K: "What is that to you, Mac?"

M: "I just think it's an interesting match-up, that's all."

K: "Oh, I see.  You find it strange that a vibrant creature like Lucy  could actually be attracted to a pompous, overeducated creep like me."

M: "Did I say that?"

K: "Well, a few of those words have a familiar ring to them."

M: "Well, Kevin, here is one right back at you.  You don't have to be so defensive.  I'm just trying to be sociable."

K: "To what end?"  (Kevin sees Felicia.)  "Never mind.  Spare me.  Well, it's been swell, Mac."

(Kevin goes to talk to Felicia, leaving Mac alone with Brenda.)

Brenda:  "Why do I get the feeling you're not his favorite person?"

M: "Are you kidding?  He's crazy about me."

(But Mac looks troubled.)

Kevin apologizes to Felicia about some argument they had about Felicia trying to push Kevin to talk about Grace.  Eventually, Kevin prepares to  return to the office, but Mac calls out to him.

M: "Kevin, you got a second?"

K: "Barely.  What do you want?"

M: "Well, you could start by loosening up a little bit."

K: "I bet your pardon?"

M: "You see, that's a perfect example:  'I bet your pardon.'  Can't    you ever just say, 'What?'?"

K: "Oh, I think I could manage that."  (In broad "dumb guy" mode)"Whut?"

M: "That's better.  Are you sure I can't get you a drink?"

K: "I'm positive.  What is this about?"

M: "I'm just trying to be friendly, that's all."

K: "Why?"

M: "Why not?  It's about time, don't you think?  Look, let's face it.  There's obviously no way we're going to avoid each other, and since Felicia and I aren't engaged anymore, I mean, your friendship with her is really none of my business.  And I'm willing to let bygones be bygones."

K: "Well, that's very magnanimous of you, Mac.  But, then, you weren't the one standing in front of the entire town with whipped cream dripping off your face, were you?"

M: "Funny you should mention that little incident, because that pie is the exact reason I've moved into this new frame of mind.  I mean, you ought to let your patients do this kind of thing, you know - it's a great way of releasing pent-up aggression.  Hell, you ought to try it yourself sometime."

K: "Well, I tend to express my aggression in more adult ways."

M: "Don't knock it until you try it."

(Mac pulls a seltzer bottle out from under the bar and hands it to Kevin.)

M: "It's on the house."

(Kevin thinks about it for a moment.)

K: "I can't possibly."

M: "Come on, come on, consider it therapy, you know, Scorpio style."

K: "Well, it's very tempting, Mac, but, nah."

M: "Come on, Kevin, come on, come on, right here, right in the kisser, right here."

K: "I appreciate the sentiment, Mac, but it's not my style."

(Mac turns away, frustrated.)

M: "Oh, man!"

(Kevin, taking advantage of Mac's inattention, grabs the seltzer bottle and liberally sprays it all over Mac's face and shirt.)

K: "You see, Mac, it's like throwing a pie.  It's no fun if the target knows it's coming.  That did feel good." (He looks around the room.) "I could have used a larger audience, though."

M: "Well, you can't have everything you want.  So why don't we just call each other even?"

(Mac wipes off his wet hand on his wet shirt and offers it to Kevin, who accepts it.)

K: "All right.  Even.  Be seeing you."

Kevin departs, leaving a drenched Mac at the bar.  Felicia laughs at him until he points the seltzer bottle at her.  At this point, she composes herself:

F: "Oops."

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