Shopping

(Lucy and Kevin sit on the sofa. Kevin is glowering and Lucy cajoles...)

L: "It'll be fun."

K: "No, it won't."

L: "You're really going to enjoy it."

K: "No, I will not."

L: "Luke's plan is ingenious."

K: "No, it isn't."

(And there's someone knocking at the door...)

L: "Oh, thank goodness. You know, short and sour it not your best conversational mode, Doc."

(Lucy answers the door and it's Mac.)

Lucy: Oh, Mac, thank goodness for you.

Mac: What's wrong?

Kevin: What's wrong? What's right? We're contemplating another eternity in pantyhose, another black and endless vista of high heels and makeup and you ask me what's wrong?

Mac: You said you wanted to do this.

Kevin: No, I said I wanted to protect Lucy. I said I wanted to catch Damian. I may have even said that I wanted a little more adventure in my life, but I never, ever, ever said that I wanted to be Norma, again.

Lucy: Ah, you know what? Right there in the spa, wait a minute, let me see, yes, it says that there is a store that would be perfect. It has fitness and resort wear, work-out wear... right in the spa.

Kevin: Ah, for large women?

Mac: (Defending Eve's honor) Hey, we're not that large and, anyway, look, it says right here that they've got a full range of sizes. We can get the whole disguise in one trip.

Kevin: Good. How about wigs and makeup and, God forbid, foundation garments? Does our full-service boutique have those, too?

Mac: OK, you're right. Lucy... Lucy can buy all the lingerie for us, after all, we know our sizes.

Lucy: My pleasure. And I can get the wigs, too.

Mac: No, no, I think we should try those of. After all, I think blondes might have more fun... might want to be a little more blonde this time.

Kevin: That's good, that's good, Mac, tart it up a little bit. How about a nice set of pink tights and some gold aerobics shoes to go with it? Speaking of which, have you contemplated the fact that no one is going to buy Norma and Eve in an aerobics class? Let alone a whirlpool or a sauna?

Mac: All right, so we won't avail ourselves to those services. It's only going to be a couple of days.

Kevin: Says Luke.

Mac: Says me, too. Now, come on, let's go mount up.

Lucy: I'm coming.

Kevin: No, you most certainly are not. Trying on a pink and green jogging outfit for my lover is one humiliation I'd rather forego, thank you very much.

Lucy: Doc, you don't understand, I will not laugh at you. In fact, I think it's wonderful what you and Mac are doing for me, so please, at least let me help with the shopping.

Mac: And Kevin, with Lucy along, we don't have to admit that the stuff is ours. And I, for one, would love to skip the lingerie department.

Kevin: Oh, all right.

Lucy: Yes, hurray, hurray. And you know what? There is nothing I like more than shopping with friends, come on. And let's order room service, you know, high tea, when we get back.

Kevin: Just us girls?

Lucy: That's the spirit.

(At the store, Kevin is looking at sweats, but Lucy is checking out the red spandex body suit.)

Kevin: Lucy, Lucy, no. No spandex.

Lucy: Not for you, it's for Mac. As I recall, Eve had very fetching legs.

Mac: (Eyeing the spandex unitard) Only to a point..

. Lucy: Oh right...

Kevin: You know what I believe? Sweats, sweats are the only answer.

Mac: Yeah, but do they have to be black? Hell, Kevin, I've got black sweats.

Lucy: You're right. He's right. Where is your sense of adventure?

Kevin: Well, aren't you the one who's big on accessories? Isn't black easy to accessorize?

Clerk: May I help you?

Lucy: Oh, no, thank you. I'm doing just fine, actually. I just use these guys to shop with. I shop with them all the time, these two. Thank you, though, we'll call you.

Mac: We don't need much. We just need two exercise outfits each. We need some kind of linen or silk outfit when we check in, long sleeves are essential, and we need heels.

Kevin: Why not flats?

Mac: Come on, you know the answer to that.

Kevin: Well, who cares if our legs look chunky?

Mac: Kevin, we've got to be as feminine as possible, especially when we check in.

Kevin: Well, I don't want to wear heels, they hurt.

Lucy: Shhh... Listen, I will get the shoes, you just give me the sizes. First, we have to find the outfits to match. Now, let's get to work, gentlemen.

Kevin & Mac: Right.

(Eve and Norma are back. Mac's fighting Lucy for clothes and Kevin is preening in front of a mirror.)

Clerk: (To Kevin) Green.

Kevin: Really.

Clerk: Definitely.

(Our fearless trio, laden with packages, returns to the hotel.)

Lucy: I need food. I want those little sandwiches and some tea, you know, maybe some cake.

Mac: Fine, listen, you eat, we're going to start trying stuff on.

Kevin: What?

Mac: If it doesn't fit, we have to know, now.

Lucy: Oh, you know what? Why don't you put it all on, come out and model it and I'll give you feedback.

Kevin: No.

Mac: Yes.

Kevin: What?

Mac: A woman's input in crucial, remember Felicia?

Lucy: Yeah, remember Felicia...

Kevin: Why is this happening to me?

Lucy: Because you love...

Kevin: Never mind.

Mac: While you're at it, order me a pizza.

(Lucy orders the food. When we return, Lucy's eating pizza and Mac and Kevin... errr... Eve and Norma are putting on a fashion show. Mac, in full Eve gear, appears in a red tunic and blue leggings. Lucy applauds.)

Lucy: Bravo, bravo. Red is definitely your color. I told you.

Mac: Thank you. Wait till you see what's next.

(Kevin, still with his beard and without Norma's hair or makeup walks out. He is, however, wearing large gold earrings and a very dour expression.)

Lucy: Lavender is really nice, but, Doc, you know, where's the rest?

Kevin: One soul-searing humiliation at a time, if you don't mind.

(Kevin literally drags Mac back into the other room, as Eve and Norma's fashion show begins in full force and to the tune of Little Richard singing, "I feel pretty.")

Kevin: OK, OK, that's enough.

Mac: I agree, I agree, all right. Hey, hey, hey, save some of that pizza for me, will you?

Lucy: I'm hungry, I'm hungry.

Mac: Yeah, well, so am I and I ordered it. Why don't you have a tea cake?

Kevin: Don't mind if I do.

Lucy: OK, guys, this is really good... so what next?

Mac: We shave.

Kevin: No.

Lucy: Oh, come on, Doc, you didn't really think you could impersonate Norma with that on, did you?

Kevin: Well, I was avoiding thinking that far ahead. That doesn't mean we have to...

Mac: Yes, legs, too.

Kevin: But they just got all woolly, again.

Lucy giggles.

Kevin: I hope you appreciate this.

Lucy: Oh, I do, I really do. Would you like a cucumber sandwich?

Mac: I would.

Lucy: Doc?

Kevin: I'll have my cake, thank you.

(Later, in the bathroom, Kevin's staring forlornly into the mirror, lathering up his beard. Over at the shower, Mac, wearing only his boxers and Eve's hair and makeup, is ready to shave his legs. And Mac wants the shave cream.)

Mac: Come on, are you going to use that stuff?

Kevin: All right.

(He passes the shave cream.)

Mac: Thank you.

Kevin: I thought you were going to tart it up and go blonde.

Mac: Yeah, well, it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. I like the red.

(And there's a knock at the bathroom door.)

Mac: Come on in.

Kevin: No, no, don't.

Lucy: Oh, goodie, goodie, oh good, I'm not too late.

Kevin: Lucy, if you have an ounce of compassion left in your soul, you'll leave now and never speak of this, again.

Lucy: No, because I am here to help.

Mac: How?

Lucy: Here, see this? It's a pink, ladies' razor. Take it. This one if for you. Now, this will help you not get so many little cuts and nicks, you know. And this is Deception's post-shave lotion. It has an aloe base, so if you get a razor burn, this will take care of it.

Kevin: Thank you. Now, go.

Lucy: No, actually I can't wait to see you shave that beard off, you know, I've been getting razor burn from that. I mean, kind of a rubbing, raw kind of sensation all the time and I can't wait to see it go. And, besides, I think you're going to need a little help with your shaving techniques.

Mac: No, no, no, we don't.

Kevin: I don't think we need any help with the shavings, thank you very much, so, it's time to go, now. Thank you, thank you, good-bye.

Lucy: Oh, come on... Well, here take this.

(They manage to get Lucy out of the room, but she abruptly reappears.)

Lucy: You know, it's really nice of the two of you to do this for me.

Kevin: Go...

(Lucy exits and Kevin locks the door, this time.)

Kevin: That's my Lucy.

(As Kevin lathers his beard, Mac checks out Eve's make-up.)

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