Lucy, Felicia, and The Bachelorette Party



(We open with Lucy and Felicia proposing a toast to their upcoming wedding)

L: Here is to the wedding of the year

(Takes a drink)

L: Ahhh....

F: Sure to be a showstopper

L: mmm-hmmm... Oh, Listen! Did you have a chance to talk to Maxie and kind of go over everything about Serena's accident?

F: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did I told her she could hold her hand while she walks down the aisle and she could secretly whisper and describe to her what was happening.

L: Thank You, that means alot and that's it then, all the details are taken care of this is going to be perfect by this time next week I'm gonna be Mrs. Kevin Collins. Ain't love devine?

F: Yeah, that's one way to describe it.

L: Mmm, hmm, mmm Okay then how wuld you describe it?

F: Excruciating -ly wonderful

(Felicia adds the last part forcefully realizing Lucy doesnt know about her/Mac's faking the wedding.)

L: Yeah. That's one way. You know I love Kevin Collins so very much. He is everything - everything I have ever, ever wanted.

F: Mmm-hmm Oh I'm sure he feels the same way about you.

(You have to see this scene to tell how much Felicia really doesnt want to be here)

L: Well he'd better. And Mac, of course, is crazy about you.

F: Yeah He's crazy alright

L: And you of course are nuts about him.

F: Totally

L: You know I don't think there's anything like --nothing -- nothing like finding a guy that could be your best friend and still when he looks at you --

F: Mmm-hmmm

L: Your toes curl.

F: Nothing like it.

L: Oh, you know we do have to keep something In mind. There are probably gonna be some toungues-a-wagging. You know I mean what is this my fourth, maybe your fifth... fourth or fifth, you know... and Im not going to count Rex Stanton, but we are up there you know.

(Just for history sake lets review the score Lucy= Alan, Ned, Tony (not counting Rex...) Flea - Frisco, Mac, and uh... Im drawing a blank..)

F: Yeah, well listen I have been married to the same man twice(Oh yeah thanks Felicia that'd be Frisco, Mac, Frisco :~) L: Mmm-hmm

F: And two of my marriages were'nt legal so I guess I could technically say that this is going to be my second marriage.

L: Then technically... listen to this... I have only been married, this will be my first time, because this is the only true...

(Flea gives Lucy a drink)

L: Thank you. Right one, the only one and only. See? So first time.

(Sorry Lucy I dont think that explaination would hold in court)

F: You sound like a greeting card. How do you know it's right? I mean really, how do you know it's right? How does anybody really know it's right?

(Can somebody please explain to Flea that us K&L Schmucks have been waiting 4 years - that makes it right enough for me)

L: I do know how Im going to prove my undying love to Kevin, though. I'm calling my hairdresser! A-ha!

F: What are you going to do, have his initials engraved into your head?

(The lightbulb goes on and Lucy immediatly picks up the phone)

L: (with a fake french accent)Hello? Sinclair? Hello, It's Lucy. Hi, listen I want the name of the best darned tattoo artist in Port Charles. Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm... and bring lots and lots of your little patterns and all your colors okay? Yeah. Oh, and thank you so much for showing up on short notice We'll be waiting! Okay. Ta! Ha! (takes another drink) Ah!

F: You're not getting a tattoo.

L: Why the heck not? Come on Everybody else is doing it. It's very trendy. You know how I like to follow the trends. And besides - Cher. Picture Cher. She has lots of those tattoos and she's alot, lot older than us.

F: You're right silly me. What's your tattoo gonna look like?

L: Oh. Okay. Okay. Picture this... a little, like, heart about like this (makes weird hand motions demonstrationing the size of the tatto) Well, I mean, not that big... with "Kevin" in the center of it. Perfect

(for some reason I dont think Flea is that convinced)

F: Mmmm. Quintessential elegance.

L: Mmm-hmm

F: Where are you going to put it?

L: Ooh. Well, Someplace very private.

F: Oh, I dont want to know that.

L: Mmm, You know what? I thnk I kind of like it here. (Lucy pats her butt) I want it right here.

F: Ouch. Your gonna be sitting on Kevin for the rest of your life.

L: I will be isn't that romantic? That's the most romantic idea I've had in a long time.

F: Getting your hiney pricked by a needle?

L: Mmm-hmm, cause it's permanent you know, I mean, think about it... a ring, if you get mad you could just throw it off into the ocean and there goes that commitment. But a tattoo.. now that's forever.

(Uh, Lucy, but isn't that a diamond?) ?

F: Okay, you just, go ahead and knock yourself out. I'm going to stand there, I'm going to hold your hand, and I'm going to watch it happen.

L: Guess what? You're going to do alot more than that you are going to get a tattoo, too

F: Am not.

L: Are too.

F: No Im not

L: Yeah, you are.

F: Why would I want a "Kevin" tattoo on my butt?

L: Oh, this blond thing! You know you've got to change the color of your hair because it's ridiculous. Think about it... You're not going to get "Kevin" your going to get "Mac" He'll love it. You know guys think tattoos are very, very sexy... and besides it'll prove to both of them how much we love them. But you know what we're going to need? We need just a little bit more margarita stuff to fortify our courage.

F: Lucy there are not enough margaritas in the world to make me get a "Mac" tattoo

(When we return Lucy and Felicia are drunk and reminicing about the good 'ol days when they dressed as nuns to escape Victor from that convent in Europe when Lucy brings up:)

L:.... And besides I love those silk stockings, you know from par.....paris has he best lingerie in the world, too. You know what? I think we should see if they could overnight us a bunch of that lingerie stuff for our honeymoon.

F: Lucy, you just bought out Wyndymns! You nut!

L: Yeah, I know but I want to indulge every single one of Kevin's fantasies.

F: Spare...spare me the gory details I have virgin ears.

L: Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin, that's the word! That's the word I've been serching for, and you just found it! That's what Kevin makes me feel like. He makes me feel like a complete virgin, like it's the first time, you know cause he loves me for me and because he accepts me for my minor, minor flaws and all.

F: Lucy, how could you ever have any minor flaws??

L: Hmmm, good point. I still dont have any. But he still loves me, naughty and nice, and he trusts me and I trust him. Do you know I trust him with my whole life, and I think that he trusts me with his life.

F: That's so beautiful

L: Yeah. Well, you know, Mac is really swell too, you know.

F: Oh, I know, I know the more you go on and on and on and on about Kevin, it makes me realize how much I love Mac.

L: Well, yeah. Of course you do. And Friday your going to prove it. You're going to walk down that aisle in that place, you know, with that dress that is one of the two most beautiful wedding dresses in the whole entire worl, and there will be Mac, dashing little Mac,down there smiling at you with that dashing little smile. He'll reach out his hand. He's going to take you hand and he's going to say "I do". I do, Felicia, forever and ever. I do. I love....you. (By this time Felicia has burst out n tears) What is it? Oh, uh-oh. uh-oh. Is it the dress thing? You know, what? Did I say something wrong? What is it? Do you need chocolate? I have chocolate! I have chocolate somewhere.

F: No, no. I'm just...I'm...I'm happy. I'm really happy you know? I'm happy.

L: YOu are happy? Well, you don't look very happy. (Lucy hands Felicia a tissue) Here. Here. Blow. Here, blow. You know, brides are supposed to be all weepy and everything, you know, but I thought they just waited until the wedding, you know not like the days before. I thought they waited till that moment, you know. But this is big for you, okay, and maybe that's the kind of girl you are. You're just a proactive kind of girl. You get it oout of the way I guess.

F: You know what? You're right. I gotta get a tattoo. I mean no matter what happens, I've got to have a souvenir of Mac's love right here, right now so I can have him next to me, you know all through eternity. I got to do that. (Felicia is truly smashed now)

L: Okay, then. Okay, we're going to do it. Then let's go. Let's get married together...

F: Okay

L: And let's get tattooed together

F: Okay

L: Okay?

F: And smashed together to

L: Yeah, that's what we're doing. You betcha. Ha!

(Doorbell Rings)

L: Uh-oh

F: He's here

L: Shh, shh, shh. It's now or never. Here we go. okay, you go. Go.

F: One, two three

L: Okay, we can make it. I can see him

F: Mmm-hmm. I can see him, too. I got it, I got it

(They answer the door to find a biker goth type guy)

L: Hi!

Spike: Name's Spike. Tats to go. Someone here wants their butt tagged?

L and F: She does!

(And now we see Lucy lying on the bed getting her "butt tagged")

L: Owee. Oooh, oooh, oooh. Ow!

S: Was that a complaint?

L: Oooh, oh, no siree Bob, Mr. Spike. No, no. YOu just keep on doing what you do best.

F: Does it hurt Much?

L: Uh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, not at all. It's just like having your eyebrows tweezed one at a time, sort if.

F: The things women do for men. It's just ridiculous.

L: Well it's going to be worth it. Just a little.... discomfort will be worth every penny, every...Ow, ow, ow. Okay you gotta do something here, pal. Distract me.

(Felicia goes on about how she took Maxie shopping for shoes and found two-inch heels for little girls. Lucy says about how much she wouldve wanted pumps like those when she was a little girl. Felicia argues that she wants maxie to stay a little girl for as long as possible)

L: Yeah, I know you. Okay, okay, your right maybe little girls that age don't need pumps like that, you know, but I still... you know like to turn a man's head every once in a while. Of course, The only head I'm really turning these days is Kevin's

F: Yeah, well the problem with that is that sometimes when they're heads turn their brains fall out.

L: My brain is having an excellent idea right now.

F: Oh, God. Don't hurt yourself. Be careful.

L: It's okay. I'm fine. Ow! Oh, in my closet. In my closet I have all these great clothes, A whole shipment from a designer from Saks that I'm supposed to try out for my honeymoon. Do you want to try and see if there's something that'll distract Mac for you and make his head spin?

F: Hmmm, well, let's see. Well, we could find something for you that might bring out some of your refining qualities.

L: Oh, that is so very funny. Ha, ha, ha. Let's just see if I have anything that's a keeper in there. Go ahead. Go ahead.

F: Lucy, I have to tell you I've been dying to get in your closet ever since I met you. I'll be back!

L: Go, girl! Go get in the closet. Ow! Oh! Ow!

(Next we have Felicia coming out in all different kinds of lingerie to the song "Going to the Chapel")

L: Bravo!

S: Hey enough already! And you stop wiggling! You're almost done.

L: Oh, finally. Okay, pal, you're next. Ow! You're going to be next.

F: And I can hardly wait. L: I can tell. Oh, please, please, Mr.Spike, could I just take a little peeky-poo, please?

S: No. A few more finishing touches and my masterpeice will be revealed.

L: Oh, goody!

F: Goody.

L: You know my Doc is going to be so thrilled to see what I've done for him.

(Now we have Flea ready to get her butt tagged)

S: It's the sea of flames I think your gonna regret the most

F: Oh, Dont think. Just create on my canvas.

L: Did I hear you say "Sea of flames"? What have I dont to you, girlfriend? You're going to join the Motley Crue now?

F: Oh, no. I'm sure I could sing better. Let me see your tattoo.

L: Can I take the gauze off now?

S: Slowly

F: Okay get your butt over here. Let's see if old spikey's as good as he says he is.

L: Okay, you ready?

F: Yeah

L: One, two, ow! Three. Ooooh! Ha.

F: Oh!

L: What?

F: Oh my god!

L: What is it? What's wrong? What is it? What is it? What is it? Oooh! Oooh!

S: What's the matter? You no like?

(Lucy looks at her tattoo with "Mac" in the center instead of Kevin)

L: Oh! I no like? I am marrying Kevin! It says Mac on my butt! You're a big idiot. You are such a big awful idiot! Oh my goodness! Mac!

(Next, Felicia is gone and Lucy is in the lighthouse waiting for Kevin)

L: Oh, Sigmund! Why didnt you stop me? You could've at least warned me. You know how I am about tequila. It goes right to my head. Ow!(The door opens - It's Kevin) Shh, shh. Hi. Hi, there fiance of mine.

K: I thought you'd still be out with Felicia. Did you two have a good time?

L: Ooh! Uh, Yeah. Ooh, yeah. We had a swell time...you know, doing brides-to-be kind of things. It was exciting and sort of a pain in the... Ooow!

K: Prewedding jitters?

L: Yeah

K: Oh, well then how about we relax with a little good old fashioned sin before I make an honest women out of you.

L: Ow! Oh, Doc, no, no. Not in front of Siggy.

K: Since when? Wait a minute... Lucy getting shy on me? That's kind of a turn-on.

L: That's funny. That's very, very, funny. You know, actually what's funny is the little wedding present I got for you to show that I will love you forever.

K: Great. Can I open it now?

L: No, no. It's not really that kind of present.

K: Uh-huh. What kind is it?

L: Tattoo

K: A tattoo? And you got it...

L: Yeah, yeah

K: Care for an unveiling?

L: No, no, no, no. It's better for the unveiling to be at night, in the dark.. like midnight. Midnight's good.

K: But you have my complete and undivided attention right now.

L: Okay then, fine. You know what? You're going to see it sooner or later, so it might as well be later or sooner. Right now I guess is just fine and dandy. Here goes. (and now for the unveiling....)

K: You llove me so much you got Mac tattooed on your bum? (Kevin is now bursting out laughing)

L: What? What is it? What's so funny? Why are you laughing? Are you mad?

K: Lucy, how could I be mad? You're the reason I'll never need cable TV or have to go to the movies. You're all the entertainment one man can stand. Lucy, getting the tattoo was a very sweet idea, but you show your love to me every day and that's enough for me.

L: Oh. Doc I wish I'd thought of that a few margaritas earlier, you know. Hey when you came in your face looked like my head feels right now.

K: Oh, i've been analyzing serial killers with Gail.

L: What? What are you up to?

K: We started a profile for the "General Homicide" killer.

L: What did you find out?

K: That his or her rage is foucused on me, that this person craves powers... perhaps power over me above all else and I could use that.

L: Use it? What do you mean, use it?

K: I'm going to set a trap, Lucy, using myself as the bait. L: Oh no your not! I am not ging to havea husband of mine being some big cheese in a rattrap for a homicidal maniac.

K: I won't be your husband yet. It'll be before the wedding.

L: Why couldnt you just have a regular bachelor party like everybody else?

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