The Alternitive Wake

(Several non-mourners are already gathered at Luke's when Kevin and Lucy arrive.)

Lucy: Well, hi, everbody! What is everybody doing here?

Mac: Same thing as you.

Lucy: Well, no, see, I have a reason to be here. This is my club. Well, half of it.

Kevin: Well, we just couldn't stomach Damian's funeral without a little fortification first. Laura: We decided not to stomach it at all.

Kevin: An even better idea.

Lucy: Actually, I did want to show up and spout violent, nasty things about Damian in public.

Mac: The floor is yours.

Luke: Half of it.

Lucy: Ah - and I guess I do have my public.

Luke: And an adoring public it is, Luce.

Lucy: Oh, well, thank you. Okay, here goes........Naaah. I guess I had enough of Damian in San Antonio.

Kevin: Thank heaven above earth for that!

Lucy: Plus, if he's gonna be so petty to leave his money to stupid Kathy, why bother with him?

(The subject turns briefly to Ward House, after which Lucy commits a slight faux pas by assuming Simone and Justus are back together. Then Kevin asks Mac:)

Kevin: Where's Katherine?

Mac: Paying her respects to the dead.

Lucy: Oh, of course she is. Tacky, tacky, what else?

Laura: Well, they did have a history, didn't they?

Lily: She also inherited all his money.

Lucy: Ah, of course, that's it. Wherever there's a buck to be made, there's Kathy.

(Several toasts ensue, during which people bring up bad things Damian did - but others keep pointing out that these things had better-than- expected outcomes. Tony arrives.)

Luke: Hey, c'mon in, Doc Bro-in-law. We are giving the unlamentable his due.

Tony: Damian?

Kevin: Just think of it as throwing darts at his picture.

Laura: Any insults you'd care to hurl?

Tony: Yeah, I think the high point for me was when he did the tango with my wife in front of half of Port Charles and I punched his lights out.

Kevin: And that's what I would classify as a healthy response.

Tony: Thank you, sir.

Luke: Spoken like a shrink.

Kevin: No, spoken like a man who's thrown a few of his own healthy responses lately.

Tony: So don't knock my shrink. He saved my marriage.

(Another toast is offered, Mac "Bubba" Scorpio leaves temporarily, and then Lucy rises from her stool, concerned.)

Lucy: Oh, boy, I just had a horrible thought. I mean, you don't suppose that maybe Damian is here in spirit, do you?"

(The assembled non-mourners respond by flinging a flurry of peanuts and discouraging words in Lucy's direction. When we return to the club, Kevin and Luke are picking peanuts out of Lucy's hair.)

Luke: Well, think, everybody. Damian must have committed at least one utterly reprehensible, heinous crime for which there is no redeeming social value.

(Everybody thinks. Ideas are proposed and discarded until....)

Kevin: I've got it! Damian brought Madame Maia to town.

(The group responds with groans of agreement.)

Mike: That was definitely bad.

Luke: Unforgivable, absolutely.

Laura: And he tried to break up Kevin and Lucy.

Kevin: Which gave birth to Norma and Eve.

Simone: I think you might have finally found something that we can hate Damian for unconditionally.

Lucy: No, I'm sorry. I actually liked her. Otherwise I would never have figured out that I have all these wonderful psychic powers.

Kevin: All the more reason.

Luke: That cinches it.

Mike: It's all Damian's fault.

Sonny: Couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy.

(And the party continues until Garcia arrives with his announcement.)

Main Transcript Page           Home