Creating a Strong and Satisfying
Marriage
Sharon J. Leigh, Program Assistant
Janet A. Clark, Program Leader
and Associate State Specialist
Pause for a moment and think
about your marriage. What thoughts come to mind? How do you feel about
your relationship? Your marriage may generally provide great happiness
and satisfaction for both of you. Or, because of high levels of conflict
and unfulfilled expectations, your marriage may be a source of great anxiety
and frustration. Another possibility is that life for you and your spouse
has become so hectic that you never seem to be able to connect with each
other as you once did. Do any of these situations sound familiar? If so,
you are not alone. Many spouses could relate to one of these descriptions.
About half of all marriages
in the United States end in divorce. It is obvious that many people do
not get married and live "happily ever after." However, marriage continues
to be an important goal for most Americans. In fact, over 90 percent of
adults will get married at least once in their lifetime. Most spouses start
out full of hopes and dreams and are truly committed to making their marriage
work. Yet as the reality of living with a less than perfect spouse sets
in and the pressures of life build, many individuals feel less romantic
and do not find as much satisfaction in their relationships. All marriages
change over time. But with hard work and dedication, people can keep their
marriages strong and enjoyable. How is it done? What does it take to create
a long-lasting, satisfying marriage?
A volume of research indicates
that most successful marriages share some key characteristics. This guide
will explore these in detail. It will also focus on marital conflict and
the skills needed to handle it effectively. Finally, the guide will discuss
ways that spouses can strengthen their marriages.
Characteristics of happy
and satisfying marriages
Consider the positive aspects
of your marriage. What are you doing that works well and brings you and
your spouse joy and happiness? If you have a satisfying marriage, chances
are that your relationship has high levels of positivity, empathy, commitment,
acceptance, love and respect. These are some of the characteristics that
researchers have found to be common in successful marriages. Let's look
at each of these factors.
Positivity
John Gottman, one of the
nation's leading experts on marital relationships, has found that the main
difference between stable and unstable marriages is the amount of positive
thoughts and actions spouses engage in toward each other. Through careful
observation of hundreds of couples, he has come to the conclusion that
successful spouses have far more positive than negative interactions. If
there is too much negativity - criticizing, demanding, name-calling, holding
grudges, etc. - the relationship will suffer. However, if there is never
any negativity, it probably means that frustrations and grievances are
not getting air time and unresolved tension is accumulating inside one
or both partners. The key is balance between the two extremes. There are
many ways to foster positivity in a marriage. Being affectionate, truly
listening to each other, taking joy in each other's achievements and being
playful are just a few examples of positive interactions that help make
marriages successful.
Empathy
Another characteristic of
happy marriages is empathy. Empathy means understanding a person's perspective
by putting oneself in his or her shoes. Many researchers have shown that
empathy is important for relationship satisfaction. People are more likely
to feel good about their marriage and spouse if their partner expresses
empathy towards them. Husbands and wives are more content in their relationships
when they perceive that their spouses truly understand their thoughts and
feelings.
Commitment
Successful marriages involve
both spouses' commitment to the relationship. When two people are truly
dedicated to making their marriage work, despite the unavoidable challenges
and obstacles that come, they are much more likely to have a relationship
that lasts. In most Western cultures, individualism is highly valued. Individualism
focuses on the needs and fulfillment of the self. Being attentive to one's
own needs is important, but if it is not balanced by a concern for the
needs of others, it can easily lead to selfishness in marriage. Husbands
and wives who only focus on themselves and their own desires are not as
likely to find joy and satisfaction in their relationships. However, when
spouses are committed to investing in their marriage and are willing to
sacrifice some of their own preferences for the good of the relationship,
they usually have high-quality marriages.
Acceptance
One of the most basic needs
in a relationship is acceptance. Everyone wants to feel valued and respected.
When people feel that their spouses truly accept them for who they are,
they are usually more secure and confident in their relationships. Often,
there is conflict in marriage because partners cannot accept the individual
preferences of their spouses and try to demand change from one another.
When one person tries to force change from another, he or she is usually
met with resistance. However, research has shown that change is much more
likely to occur when spouses respect differences and accept each other
unconditionally. Basic acceptance is vital to a happy marriage.
Mutual love and respect
Perhaps the most important
components of successful marriages are love and respect for each other.
This may seem very obvious - why would two people get married who did not
love and respect each other? The fact is, as time passes and life becomes
increasingly complicated, the marriage often suffers as a result. It is
all too easy for spouses to lose touch with each other and neglect the
love and romance that once came so easily. It is vital that husbands and
wives continue to cultivate love and respect for each other throughout
their lives. If they do, it is highly likely that their relationships will
remain happy and satisfying.
Managing conflict
Have you ever experienced
a disagreement, difference of opinion, or misunderstanding with your spouse?
If you answer truthfully, the answer will almost certainly be, "Yes, of
course." Conflict in marriage is inescapable. All marital relationships
- even the best ones - will experience at least some conflict from time
to time. However, many people are successful and happy in their marriages,
despite the conflicts that arise. The key to their success is how they
handle their conflicts and disagreements. This section will explore many
issues related to conflict, such as common areas of contention in marriage,
gender differences in communication styles, and the importance of proper
management of conflict. It will also discuss skills for handling conflict
and how to solve problems in marriage.
Common areas of conflict
Although all relationships
are different, spouses frequently experience several common areas of conflict.
Here are brief descriptions of some typical issues that spark conflict
in marriage.
Money
Regardless of the amount
of money a couple has, it is often the biggest source of marital conflict.
Husbands and wives often have very diverse ideas about how money should
be handled because they have experienced different family values and goals
regarding money. Potential disagreements about money include how to spend
it, how much to save and who should be responsible for paying the bills.
It is important for spouses to discuss their values and feelings about
money so each partner can try to understand the other. Constructing a budget
and financial planning often require negotiation and compromise, but they
are important tasks and aid spouses in identifying their priorities and
goals for the future.
In-laws
Conflicts over in-laws are
usually most problematic in the first years of marriage. A common issue
that arises is one partner feeling that his or her in-laws are too critical
or intrusive. Husbands and wives may disagree about the length and frequency
of their parents' visits. Some people may also feel that their spouse is
too dependent upon his or her parents. All of these in-law issues can trigger
conflict within the family. Spouses can deal with in-law problems by sharing
their feelings and discussing what kind of relationship they would like
with their in-laws. It is important to avoid being accusatory and speaking
critically of one's in-laws, especially during such talks. Expressing negativity
towards in-laws tends to worsen the situation because it alienates spouses
from each other and promotes defensiveness.
Sex
Sex is an emotion-filled
issue and many spouses are afraid of getting hurt or rejected by their
partners in this area. Thus, people frequently avoid discussing their feelings
and expectations about sex. Even when partners do talk about sexuality
issues, they are often embarrassed and speak indirectly about their feelings.
These patterns can lead to conflict in the marital relationship. Difficulties
with sex often reflect problems in other areas of the marriage as well.
In order for couples to resolve conflicts about sexual matters, it is crucial
that they communicate directly and specifically about their needs and desires.
Many people feel very vulnerable in this area, so it is important that
the discussion be done in a gentle, loving manner.
Children
Child rearing is a time-consuming
task that requires huge amounts of energy. It's easy for spouses to become
frustrated with each other over this issue. Husbands and wives often have
conflicting views about how to parent because they were raised differently.
Agreement about the best way to raise children may not always be possible,
so it is necessary that spouses learn to compromise and negotiate in this
area. Whatever decisions and rules parents make, it is important that they
be united in front of their children. Otherwise, the children will learn
to play one parent off the other, further contributing to marital disharmony.
Gender differences in
conflict
Due to a combination of
social and biological factors, men and women have different styles of interacting
and handling conflict. Women raise concerns and problems far more often
than men do. Men are more likely to avoid conflict and downplay the strong
emotions that they feel inside. When men close down and suppress their
feelings, women often become more insistent that they discuss the issues
that have been raised. At this point, however, men only want to withdraw
further. These different ways of interacting can lead to frustration and
misunderstandings.
In order to overcome frustration
with communication styles, it is essential that both husbands and wives
improve their methods of dealing with conflict. Wives need to make sure
that they bring up issues gently and in a positive, non-confrontational
manner. A soft, gentle approach in introducing a topic for discussion usually
has a greater chance of leading to a satisfactory solution for both partners.
Husbands need to respond to their wives' concerns and complaints in a respectful
manner. They can learn to recognize when their wives need to talk and take
a more active role in resolving issues instead of withdrawing. It is each
partner's responsibility to respect and honor his or her spouse and make
an effort to communicate as effectively as possible.
The importance of managing
conflict well
Although some conflict is
unavoidable, it is critical that spouses manage their differences in constructive
ways. There are several reasons for this. First, if husbands and wives
do not handle conflict effectively, it is likely that negativity will increasingly
become part of their relationship. As unresolved conflict and negativity
grow in a marriage, the good aspects of the relationship often diminish
and partners become disenchanted with each other. Second, research has
shown that, when spouses are unhappy in their marriages, they tend to experience
more physical and emotional problems than do happily married couples. People
who are satisfied with their marriage even tend to live longer than those
in unhappy marriages.
This finding leads to a third
reason why it is important for spouses to manage their conflict well. A
strong and satisfying marriage establishes a firm foundation from which
spouses can function. When the quality of marriage is positive and supportive,
partners can better attend to their personal responsibilities and obligations.
A strong marriage also provides people with a greater opportunity to develop
their personalities and talents than does an unhappy union. Although marriage
requires a considerable amount of time and effort, it is crucial that partners
care for their own needs and development as well. They can best do this
when the relationship is warm and encouraging and they know how to handle
marital conflict effectively.
Finally, it is essential
that spouses practice good conflict management skills for the sake of their
children. Conflict and hostility are extremely harmful to children's well-being.
Many studies have shown that marital conflict leads to poor outcomes in
children, such as decreased self-esteem, greater stress and anxiety, low
achievement at school and behavioral problems. Conversely, spouses who
support each other and have peaceful marriages are more likely to have
well-adjusted, competent children. However, an unhappy marriage should
not be preserved solely for the children's sake. Children in two-parent
families marked by a lot of conflict often fare worse than those in families
that have undergone a peaceful divorce. Whatever the situation, it is important
that spouses learn to manage their disagreements effectively and control
the amount of conflict in their relationship. This will help foster the
well-being of themselves and their children.
Skills for handling conflict
Because managing conflict
is so important, it is essential that you practice certain skills that
will enable you to handle conflict well. The following sections highlight
some of the skills needed for dealing with differences and disagreements
effectively.
Open communication
Good communication can be
difficult at times - especially during conflict. People often hear a different
message than what the speaker intended. There are several possible reasons
for this. First, spouses are often preoccupied with their own concerns
or are preparing a rebuttal and do not really listen to what their partners
are saying. Second, spouses may perceive their partners' messages negatively
if they are tired or in a bad mood. Finally, different styles of communicating
can also result in misunderstandings.
Partners can learn to communicate
better by developing more effective ways of speaking and listening. It
is important to take turns in a conversation so each can have the opportunity
to express his or her thoughts and ideas. The person talking should focus
on his own feelings and not attempt to read his partner's mind. He should
also be positive and avoid making accusations or criticizing his spouse.
The person listening needs to be aware of her body language. Eye rolling,
negative facial expressions and crossing one's arms may signal disapproval
to the person who is speaking. Even if the listener does not agree with
what her partner is saying, she needs to make an attempt to understand
his viewpoint and be respectful. Showing genuine interest in someone's
feelings and refraining from giving unsolicited advice go a long way in
creating an atmosphere that is conducive to positive communication.
Ideas for effective marital
communication When your spouse talks to you, try to understand what he
or she is feeling. Give your partner both verbal and nonverbal feedback
so he or she will know that you have understood what he or she meant.
Be aware of the nonverbal messages you send when someone is talking to
you, such as facial expressions or body posture. These can be very powerful!
Refrain from voicing judgmental comments and jumping to conclusions before
your partner is done speaking. Show respect for your spouse's perspective,
even if you do not agree with it. Take the time to really listen
when your spouse needs to talk. Doing this will help him or her feel that
you value his or her opinions and ideas. When you need to have an
important discussion, remove distractions as much as possible so you can
talk with each other more easily. For example, take a walk outside in order
to get away from the telephone or talk in your bedroom where the children
will not interrupt. Communicate clearly and directly so your partner
will have a greater opportunity to understand you. When you are speaking,
focus on expressing your own feelings, not trying to guess what your partner
is thinking.
Controlling negative thoughts
The way a person treats
others usually reflects the kinds of thoughts he or she has about them.
This pattern holds true for spouses, especially during times of conflict.
When partners focus on each other's shortcomings and weaknesses, they often
fall prey to having negative thoughts about each other. This negative thinking
makes it more likely that they will treat each other unkindly.
Suppose a wife comes home
from work at the end of a long, hard day in a bad mood. Her husband is
in the kitchen making dinner and calls out, "How was your day?" Instead
of responding to his question, the wife snaps at him for having left his
coat and briefcase on the kitchen table. How might the husband react? If
he is in the habit of thinking positively about his wife and giving her
the benefit of the doubt, he may think, "She must have had a really hard
day." He might stop what he is doing and give his wife his full attention
so he could try to find out what is really bothering her. However, if the
husband takes offense at his wife's complaint and thinks, "Here I am, cooking
dinner, and all she can do is criticize me," he will be more likely to
respond negatively to his wife's complaint and further escalate the conflict.
Research supports these ideas
about the power of one's thoughts. Marriage researchers have determined
that stable marriages have more positive than negative interactions, while
the opposite is true for unstable unions. Because negative interactions
are often fueled by one's thoughts, negative thinking can have a significant
impact upon a relationship. Therefore, because the substance of a person's
thoughts is often a powerful determinant of his actions, it is very important
for spouses to control the way they think about each other. Husbands and
wives can do this during times of conflict by focusing on the troublesome
issue instead of their partner's flaws. By keeping their feelings about
the issue and their spouse separate, it is more likely that they will manage
conflict better and have a healthier relationship.
Forgiveness
Because there will be hurt
feelings and conflict from time to time in every marriage, it is very important
that spouses forgive each other when arguments and disagreements occur.
Forgiveness enables partners to stay emotionally connected and keep their
marriage positive. If people want their relationships to grow and become
stronger, they must be willing to forgive their spouses whenever necessary.
When spouses do not forgive each other, remain bitter and hold grudges,
they often experience physical and emotional problems. Thus, forgiveness
is important to the individual health of each partner as well as to the
health of the relationship!
Problem solving
All couples will encounter
problems in their marriage that will require problem solving skills. At
these times, it is very important that the spouses work together as a team,
instead of insisting on their point of view and working against each other.
It is crucial to understand problems before attempting to solve them. Problem
solving is a much smoother process when spouses have discussed the issue
thoroughly and each partner feels understood. Surprisingly, research has
shown that after a good discussion about a troublesome issue, most people
are so satisfied that there is no need to come up with a solution to the
problem. Usually, people just want the opportunity to express themselves
and feel as if they have really been understood.
Of course, many problems
still need to be resolved, even after open, productive discussion. Markman,
Stanley and Blumberg, a team of prominent marriage researchers, have identified
an effective process for solving problems.
It helps to set a specific
time to work on the problem so that partners can mentally and emotionally
prepare. During the meeting, spouses should think of as many solutions
to the problem as possible, ruling out nothing until all possible solutions
have been presented.
The next step is to choose
the solution, or combination of solutions, that will best solve the problem.
It is likely that negotiation and compromise will be necessary at this
step of the problem solving process.
After testing the chosen
solution for an agreed upon length of time, it is important for spouses
to discuss the solution and whether the problem is being solved adequately.
If not, adjustments should be made.
Not every issue that arises
will require such an extensive problem solving process, but these steps
can help couples solve their problems in a calm, controlled manner.
Changing oneself first
It is common for husbands
and wives to overlook their own weaknesses and focus instead on the faults
of their spouse. In some marriages, one person feels that his or her partner
is the cause of their marital problems and the only one who really needs
to change in order for the relationship to improve. This may occasionally
be true. However, in the vast majority of marriages, both partners make
a contribution to the conflict and problems that arise.
It is crucial that spouses
realize that the only person's behavior they can control is their own.
In marriage, it is typical for partners to become annoyed or irritated
with what they perceive to be their spouses' personal shortcomings, unusual
habits and weaknesses. For example, a wife may feel upset because her husband
arrives home from work late on a regular basis. Or, the husband may resent
how his wife cuts him off in the middle of conversations. Frustration over
shortcomings such as these often builds over time, motivating people to
insist that their partners change. However, people usually end up discovering
that their demands are not granted and their efforts to change their partners
have failed.
Instead of trying to compel
each other to change, it is more effective for partners to honestly assess
themselves and think about what they can do to make the relationship better.
Considering the contributions they make to disagreements and trying to
overcome their own weaknesses will accomplish far more than dwelling on
their spouse's faults. When husbands and wives stop trying to change each
other and instead shift their attention to improving their own behavior,
they will likely be more content, even if their partner continues to do
the things that they do not like.
When spouses choose to make
changes in themselves first, regardless of what their partner does, they
are often surprised to find that the overall quality of their relationship
improves dramatically. In an ideal situation, of course, both spouses continually
strive to improve themselves and overcome their weaknesses. However, one
spouse is often more committed to self-improvement than the other, at least
for a while. Nevertheless, even if the other person does not feel a need
to change himself or herself, the marriage will likely improve through
the efforts of the one trying to change.
Strengthening the marital
relationship
Although it is important
for spouses to learn how to resolve differences, having a good marriage
requires more than just being able to manage conflict effectively. What
else is needed to create a strong and satisfying marriage? Recent research
has shown that the most satisfied spouses have marriages based on good
friendship. Nurturing the positive aspects of the marital relationship
on a regular basis is also important. This final section will highlight
ways in which husbands and wives can strengthen their marriages, including
being good friends, performing daily acts of kindness, sharing enjoyable
times and creating family traditions.
Remain good friends
Many people say that having
a friendship with their spouse is an important goal of their marriage.
Life usually becomes more complicated as marriage progresses. If a marital
relationship is not built upon a solid foundation of friendship, it may
become more difficult for partners to stay connected over time. It is also
easy for spouses to become less polite and respectful to each other as
time passes because they feel more comfortable with each other. However,
spouses who remain good friends throughout life usually find much more
enjoyment and satisfaction in their relationship.
There are many things spouses
can do to keep their friendship alive.
Set aside a specific time
each day to talk and reconnect. In some marriages, spouses stop confiding
in each other and stop having stimulating discussions, only to later discover
that they do not know each other very well anymore. All people change over
time, and partners need to continue to learn about each other's thoughts,
feelings, and ideas.
Another way to maintain
friendship in marriage is to have weekly "dates." Dates allow spouses to
spend time along together, which can be especially important if they have
children. Partners can also build friendship by trying to avoid conflict
during "couple times," making the time spent together more enjoyable and
memorable.
How to be best friends Talk.
Hold hands. Go for walks. Dance. Play games. Work
on a mutual project together. Plan little surprises for each other.
Laugh together. Compliment each other often. Create memories
together. Leave unexpected notes of praise. Develop signals
that say "I love you." Go on a date. Say "thank you" for little
kindnesses. Talk about your dreams. Listen to music.
Say "I love you." Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Have
a candlelight dinner. Go for an evening or afternoon drive.
(Adapted from Kansas State University Extension)
Perform daily acts of kindness
Another way for couples
to strengthen their marriage is to express fondness and concern for each
other on a daily basis. Showing kindness in little ways is important for
several reasons. First, it enables spouses to increase their love for each
other and become better friends. It also keeps little annoyances from being
blown out of proportion, which helps the relationship stay strong. Daily
acts of kindness can also promote the growth of romance in the marriage.
When many people think about romance, they envision going away for a weekend
to celebrate their anniversary or receiving a dozen roses. Instances such
as these are certainly romantic. However, John Gottman has found that true
romance is best preserved when partners frequently respect and care for
each other in ordinary ways.
There is an endless variety
of little things spouses can do to show thoughtfulness to each other on
a daily basis. A few examples include writing love notes or sending special
e-mail messages, helping each other with a project and preparing a favorite
breakfast. It is important that spouses do not take for granted the power
of such actions. Performing small, simple acts of kindness regularly can
have a dramatic impact upon the quality of one's marriage.
Share enjoyable times
Most relationships start
out with a lot of emphasis on dating and having fun together. After they
get married, many spouses become busier and stop making special times a
priority. However, it is very important for partners to take the time to
enjoy their relationship. Research has shown that the amount of fun time
spouses spend together is a major factor in the happiness of their marriage.
Sharing enjoyable times prevents people from getting bored with their relationships
and helps rejuvenate them when they are very busy and preoccupied with
other cares and concerns.
In order for spouses to increase
the amount of enjoyment in their relationship, it is likely that they will
have to deliberately plan leisure time into their schedules. Planning and
scheduling goes a long way in ensuring that the activity will actually
happen and not be shoved aside by a more pressing matter. Spouses can have
fun together in simple ways, such as going on picnics, taking walks, laughing
together and having long talks. They can also plan more extensive times
for pleasure, such as all-day outings or vacations. It does not matter
what the activity is, as long as it allows both partners to relax and enjoy
each other's company.
Create family traditions
Observing family traditions
and rituals is another way spouses can strengthen their marriage. Traditions
and rituals serve many important functions in families. First, they enable
husbands and wives to figure out what is important to them and their relationship.
They also give meaning and predictability to marriages and families. Rituals
help couples recharge themselves from the stresses of everyday life and
increase the amount of intimacy in their relationships. A marriage that
is marked by many traditions and rituals is often richer and more purposeful
than those that are not.
There are many ways to incorporate
traditions and rituals into the marital relationship.
Having a private conversation
at the end of each day is one common ritual observed by many spouses.
Going on a weekly date is
another typical marriage ritual. However, traditions and rituals can be
less formal than these examples. In fact, many marriages include traditions
and rituals of which the spouses may be unaware.
Kissing each other goodbye
each morning, talking on the phone during lunch and taking walks on a regular
basis are all examples of less obvious rituals.
Many spouses also have rituals
connected to special days, such as Valentine's Day and wedding anniversaries.
These traditions enable
them to reaffirm their love and devotion to one another. Whether traditions
and rituals in marriage are simple or elaborate, they are important and
give the relationship shared meaning and significance.
Conclusion
Marriage is a challenging
endeavor that requires hard work, determination and discipline. However,
as this guide has shown, it also has the potential to be very rewarding
and satisfying. Spouses who seek to incorporate positivity, empathy, commitment,
acceptance, and mutual love and respect into their relationship are more
likely to have a fulfilling marriage. Husbands and wives also benefit when
they understand the nature of conflict and know how to manage it successfully.
Finally, when people base
their marriages on friendship, thoughtfulness, fun and traditions, they
usually find joy and happiness in their relationship. Creating a strong
and satisfying marriage is possible, and it is definitely worth the effort!
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