At about one o’clock in the morning, Julie had fallen asleep, her head resting gently in my lap, her cheeks still tear stained. I ran my hand lazily through her hair, sighing heavily. It had been a long night; the longest of my life. One of the most painful as well. I glanced down at her sleeping form lying limp across me. She painted the perfect picture: an abundance of long, thick, dark hair, perfectly soft and healthy skin, glassy emerald eyes, plush pink lips...

I let another sigh pass furiously from my lips. Now that she was sleeping soundly, I could think. I needed the time to attempt to get my priorities straightened out. I needed time to think and explore what possibilities I possibly had left.

What she’d told me hours earlier had yet to fully sink in. Knowing, but not comprehending I guess you would call it. It was impossible for me to comprehend why this was happening. To her. To me. I couldn’t help but focus on how downright unjust the situation was. Julie was a genuinely good person, deserving of a long and prosperous life. Why was she being punished? Shouldn’t she be entitled to live a long, healthy life? The world just doesn’t seem to work in a logical way these days...

I took in a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. “God,” I whispered almost inaudibly in an attempt to not wake Julie. “Please...I need a favor...” Do people ask God for favors sometimes? “I love her and I don’t wanna lose her. She deserves a life...I don’t want her to die...” I felt the hot tears welling up in my eyes immediately after uttering my last word. “Please God, help her get a transplant, I’m begging you... I need her with me; I’m going insane right now.” I closed my eyes, quietly sobbing to myself. I took a moment to wipe my eyes and attempted to again collect my thoughts. She could get a transplant. I knew she could. All we had to do was remain optomistic, and everything would work out. Optimism hadn’t always been my friend; I’m more of a pessimist when the situation was grim.  

The only other time in my life where I’d felt this awful was when Brian was going in for his heart surgery. I was scared out of my mind, and I could clearly see fear etched in his eyes as well. The uncertainty of the situation haunted me for weeks. It continued until I was certain that he was all right. But this situation was at least ten times worse. The love I have for Brian is completely different than the love I have for Julie. Brian’s like a brother to me, but Julie’s like my soul mate.

Everything happens for a reason, I told myself. For whatever reason this was happening, I was oblivious to it. Without suffering there’d be no compassion. I heard that in a movie one time. Perhaps that’s the reason bad things happen to good people? So the world’s a better place, and there’s sympathy and understanding... It still didn’t seem just.

I kept trying to think about things that I could do. I was coming up with the same thing repeatedly: nothing. There was nothing I could do. Had the obstacle been money, I would’ve been able to help. Had the problem been a kidney transplant, or something like it, I could’ve given her one of my own. But neither of those things were true.

And there I sat.

How long can someone wait for an organ transplant? I wasn’t sure. Probably a few years, I assumed. How many people are on the waiting list? More than enough, I assured myself. And how long had -

“Nick,” I heard a soft voice whisper.

Immediately I was brought back from my thoughts. Maybe I’d been thinking out loud and that’s how she woke... I stared silently at her.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked, her fingers beginning to gently stroke my palm.

“Nothing,” I replied, my voice cracking.

“Don’t think about that, okay?”

“I wasn’t.”

“Nick,” she scolded. I could hear the anxiety in her voice. “Don’t worry about it, all right? Promise me that you won’t.”

I nodded.

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

“Isn’t there something I can do, though?”

She sighed, but didn’t say anything. I figured she might still he half asleep.“You can stay here with me.”

“I don’t mean that though, I mean -”

“I know what you mean,” she said, cutting me off abruptly. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about that. All there is to do is wait.”

I took hold of her hand and intertwined her fingers with me own. “Do you want me to stay the night?” I asked.

She smiled, “I want you to stay here forever.”

“I can do that too,” I replied, planting a small kiss on her forehead.