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...IN VALEN'S NAME DELENN (I
& II of IIII)
By
Frieda W. Landau
Hi,
This
is Delenn's side of the story. I wrote it as a companion to
Voices (which was John's side). I
decided to write this in the form of letters from Delenn to
various friends, including some dead ones. But Delenn explains
that herself. I don't cover every episode, but only those
that I think are significant to Delenn. And, as in real life,
Delenn doesn't always write about something when it happens.
I
ran into the usual timeline problems in season 3. I placed
Walkabout before War Without End, which is what JMS originally
intended. The real time problem comes between the end of Point
of No Return and Severed Dreams. There is no way Delenn could
return to B5 at the end of PoNR and then go to Minbar to break
the Council and then come back with the Minbari cruisers to
save John's butt. The minimum time needed is 6 days. Minbar
is three days away from B5 and there is no reason for the
Grey Council ship to be anywhere other than in Minbari space.
Similarly, even if Delenn summoned the cruisers before she
broke the Council (which makes sense to me), it would still
take them time to get to a rendezvous point to join Delenn.
So, I have the wounded Minbari deliver the message to Delenn
before the end of Point of No Return and Delenn leaves and
doesn't return until she saves the day in Severed Dreams.
The
story ends during Shadow Dancing (as did the first three parts
of Voices). I intend to carry on with seasons 4 and 5, but
I thought I'd take a break and post the first three parts.
I also intend to do season 5 of Voices. John keeps insisting.
He wants to explain what he was doing instead of taking care
of the teep situation. And Delenn has plenty to say about
that too! :-)
There's
no sex as such in this part. But Delenn does talk about former
lovers, one in particular.
I'd
like to thank my beta readers: Lynne, Gwyn, Penny, Chris,
Debbie, Kim, Mary Lou, and Char, who catches all my typos.
So you can blame her if there are any. Only kidding, Char!
As
always, all feedback - positive and negative - is welcome.
*****
...In Valen's Name, Delenn
Extracts from the Correspondence of Ambassador Delenn of the
Minbari
During her Time on Babylon 5
20 April 2258
Mayan, old friend,
I am fine, really, as you
will see for yourself in a few weeks. The medical facilities
on Babylon 5 are excellent and Doctor Franklin is well versed
in Minbari physiology. I was not injured. I only lost a quantity
of blood; a large quantity, to be sure, but that was easily
replaced.
The soul hunter was quite
different from the ones in the stories that frightened us
as children. He was not as dark, or as obviously evil. Only
his size corresponded to the old stories, but I may be mistaken
and only found him very tall in comparison to me. When I saw
him lying in Med Lab, I became enraged. I did not know I was
still capable of such fury. Perhaps, I remembered all the
dead in the wall of bodies that finally thwarted their efforts
to take Dukhat's soul. The humans, especially Doctor Franklin,
do not believe the soul can be imprisoned, if, indeed, they
believe in a soul at all. I tried to make them understand
the horror of the soul hunters. Only Commander Sinclair, I
think, understood. When it was all over, I released the captive
souls. I cannot describe the joy I felt then, listening to
their voices as they faded away until the time of their rebirth.
You should have been there. I need your talent to speak about
the whole experience.
We have all been busy this
week attending religious ceremonies. A human idea, of course.
They want the members of the Babylon 5 Council to demonstrate
the dominant beliefs of their worlds to foster better understanding.
A noble idea, but a futile one, I fear. The animosities, especially
between the Narn and the Centauri, are too great to overcome
by symbolic gestures, however well-intentioned. Still, it
has been an interesting week. The Gaim demonstration was totally
incomprehensible, but very pretty to look at. The diversity
of the humans is reflected in their religious beliefs. Commander
Sinclair very cleverly showed this by introducing us to a
seemingly endless line of representatives from all the religions
on earth. The Narn did not participate. Those who follow G'Quon
and those who follow G'Lan could not agree on a presentation.
The Centauri gave a banquet
yesterday in honor of their Feast of Life. Everything was
done to excess: food, drink, revelry. You would have enjoyed
it. The ambassador became very intoxicated, which is a good
thing to do at these feasts, if I understand correctly. Londo
attempted to explain the attributes of their various procreative
deities. Then he told me I was cute - for a Minbari! You will
be amused to know that I was actually pleased for a moment,
much to my chagrin. I know you can hear our old housemaster
at school saying I told you so. He always said I took a greater
pleasure in my appearance than was strictly proper. Don't
laugh, Mayan. You are not much better. Fortunately, Londo
passed out before he noticed. He would never let me forget
it otherwise.
I conducted a nafak'cha
for the other ambassadors. It wasn't a real rebirth ceremony,
of course. No one was properly prepared, and none of the preliminary
rituals were performed. It was only a demonstration, but I
tried to perform all with reverence and respect. It went very
well, I think. I even demonstrated part of the joining ceremony.
I 'married' Commander Sinclair, but I don't think he noticed.
Much of the credit for the
success of the demonstration should go to my new aide, Lennier,
of the third fane of Chudomo. He arrived a few days ago. He
has never been offworld before. I don't think he has even
been away from the temple where he was raised. He is scarcely
as old as I was when Dukhat took me in hand. Was I ever that
young and innocent? Was that how Dukhat saw me? I cannot remember.
I want to train Lennier as Dukhat trained me. Lennier is very
eager to serve, and he appears to be more obedient than I
ever was. Nevertheless, it is a great responsibility, guiding
the future of another. At least I have made a promising start.
I told Lennier the first thing Dukhat told me when I became
his aide, to look up or he would be forever walking into things.
I count the hours until
your visit. It will be good to see you. You will have to tell
me all that you have been doing. Until then, my friend.
In Valen's Name,
Delenn
----------
20 May 2258
Mayan, my friend,
I would not nag, as you
say, if you used message crystals. I do not understand why
you insist that letters must be written, on paper. No. I do
understand, but I find it most inconvenient. I will accept,
for now, your assurance that you are fully recovered and there
are no lasting effects from your injuries. On my next visit
home, I will see for myself, so do not make any plans to be
offworld then.
I hope your decision to
keep the scar does not colour your view of humans. I am afraid
every time you see or touch it, you will recall the worst
of human behavior. They are not all like that, you know. During
my time among them, I have come to appreciate their many qualities.
They are fractious and contrary, compared to Minbari, but
they are also kind and generous. The letter Commander Sinclair
sent you is not part of his official duties. He is genuinely
distressed that you were attacked.
He is an interesting man,
more complex than some. He is also restless and unsettled,
as if he is searching for something. Something that will give
meaning and purpose to his life beyond mere existence. We
talk sometimes about these things. We are becoming good friends,
much to his surprise. I don't think he ever expected to call
a Minbari friend. I am teaching him Adronato, when we both
have the time. He has a gift for languages. He learns faster
than I can teach, or so it seems sometimes. Lately, we have
been translating poetry together. It should please you to
learn that he favours your work above other Minbari poets.
He even has a vid of one of your performances. He has also
tried his hand at translating English poetry into Adronato.
He gets the meaning, but not the rhythms or colours of the
words. The languages are too dissimilar, I think. His most
successful effort so far is an old Earth poem about a hero
in his middle years who compares his life as a ruler unfavourably
with his role in old wars. Sinclair says this is his favourite
poem. I think he feels it reflects his own life. Yet, the
poem ends with a ray of hope as the hero finds a reason for
continuing and doing the best he can. I hope Sinclair finds
such a purpose. He is a good man who deserves better. He seems
to sense that the universe has a plan for him, if only he
can discover what it is. Until he does, I am afraid that he
will risk his life needlessly, searching.
I must stop now. Lennier
is reminding me of several appointments I was hoping to forget.
My young aide is learning fast. He has already taken over
some of my routine tasks.
For Valen's sake, Mayan,
send me a message crystal or even a still, so I can see you
have completely recovered. Sinclair would be pleased to see
it also.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
25 May 2258
Master,
For so my heart still called
you, even at the end, and even now. You were ever the teacher
and I the student. That has not changed. Dukhat, I need your
clarity of thought more than ever now. What must I do?
Sinclair remembers. Not
everything, not what we discovered, praise Valen. But enough
to endanger my position and his life. The fault may be mine.
The soul hunter told him my rank. When Sinclair saved me,
I think I said something to reinforce his suspicions. I am
sure he investigated, found the meaning of 'satai' and started
to wonder.
Now he knows I was there
with the Council. I had to help. I could not stand by. I could
not let him injure his own people, or let them hurt him. At
that moment, he trusted only me. I could not betray that trust.
I helped him and so confirmed his suspicions. It is only a
matter of time before he learns the rest.
I have failed. I was chosen
to watch over him, to prevent what has happened. If he reveals
his knowledge, if he makes public my true position, I will
be forced to deal with questions I would rather avoid. There
are those among Earth's government who would seize upon my
deception as proof the Minbari have a sinister motive for
supporting this station. And there are those among our own
people who have never accepted our reasons for ending the
war with the humans. If it becomes known that the Commander
of Babylon 5 was with the Grey Council just before the surrender
order, who knows what they will think or do. That is yet another
reason to regret my words when I let my rage overcome my reason.
I betrayed everything you stood for in that moment, and I
have spent every day since trying to atone. Perhaps, I can
hear you say, my moment of madness was necessary for us to
learn the truth. If that is so, I wish the universe had chosen
another way.
I have failed, and now it
is Sinclair who must pay the price of that failure. My orders
are to eliminate him if he should learn the truth. How can
I do that? How can I give the order for his death? He is my
friend. But more than friendship stays my hand. My heart tells
me, even more than the prophecies, that Sinclair has an important
role to play against the coming darkness. His death would
be a victory for the enemies of light.
I see now, I think, my way
more clearly. I must find a reason to justify my decision
to spare his life. That should not be too difficult. You taught
me well. If nothing else occurs, I can remind the Council
that Minbari do not kill Minbari. He would appreciate the
irony of that. As would you.
As always, Dukhat, talking
with you has shown me the truth. Perhaps, I should do so more
often.
I will close as I always
did, when we talked in the evenings after dinner. Goodnight,
Master. Sweet dreams.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
1 June 2258
Mayan,
I wrote a letter to Dukhat
recently. You heard me correctly. No, I am not mad. I badly
needed advice and guidance on a subject I could not discuss
with anyone, not even you. Council business, of course, so
you needn't wonder why. Strange, as I wrote, I began to feel
as though Dukhat could actually hear me, and I could hear
his reply. I felt I was back in the early years with him,
when I would regularly bring my problems to him. He always
listened gravely and gently guided me to finding my own solution.
After a time, I brought only the most intractable problems
to him. I could confidently handle the rest myself. Dukhat
told me once, just before I joined the council, he came to
miss hearing my complaints - until he remembered how trivial
some of them were. I could never get a simple compliment from
him.
It has been more than fifteen
cycles since his death, and yet, Mayan, I still keenly feel
his absence. The rumours were never true: We were not lovers
when I was his aide, as you well know. He thought it would
be taking advantage of me, even though I told him otherwise.
He said I knew too little of life, and of him, to be allowed
to make such a decision. But I loved him dearly. It was enough
just to be near him, and to know that he wanted me near him.
We became lovers when I was appointed to the Council and so
would be his equal, at least technically. No one could ever
be his equal. He was the best of us. Our time together was
so brief, a few short months I will always treasure.
He was my friend and my
lover. Above all, he was my teacher. I learned so much from
him, about love, about life, about myself. If I can teach
Lennier half as well as Dukhat taught me, I will consider
myself a success.
I have to prepare for a
meeting with a trade delegation . I won't bore you with the
details. Larron passed through here on his way to take up
his post as our new ambassador to the Narn homeworld. He says
you are looking well. So I forgive you for not letting me
see for myself.
IVN, Delenn
----------
5 August 2258
Master,
They are here. I have started
to build the device. The time is fast approaching when I must
do what is necessary. I have worked and studied all my life
for this, to be worthy of the honour. For honour it is. When
it is finished, I hope to be the means through which our people
can unite with the other half of our souls to defeat the darkness.
I wish you could be here
with me now. You gave me the courage to believe that I was
chosen by prophecy when others scoffed. You always encouraged
my interest in the humans, knowing, as I do, their importance
to our future. You will not be disappointed in me, I promise.
Good night, master. Sweet
dreams, Dukhat.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
21 August 2258
Hello Mayan,
I took part in a human mourning
ritual recently. Lt. Commander Ivanova's father passed beyond
the veil a few months ago. It is the custom among her people
for the immediate family to mourn for seven days. They sit
in a room with windows and mirrors covered, wearing old clothes
and going barefoot, their hair unbound. Friends and more distant
family visit with gifts of food to talk about the dead. They
tell such stories as best represent the life of the one who
is gone. As I think about it, it was more a celebration of
his life than anything else. I brought a human sweet called
chocolate as my offering. Ivanova is particularly fond of
it.
She spoke of her father
with affection. She grew up largely motherless, as we did,
and grew close to him until the war, when they became estranged
over her decision to follow her brother into EarthForce. She
reconciled with her father just before his death.
It is a familiar story,
is it not? Except for the ending. I still see the sadness
in my father's eyes when he looked at me during the long days
of the war. He loved me still. I never doubted that. All my
life I felt his love envelop me like a cloak, protecting me
from the buffeting of the world. He hated the war, hated what
was happening to the Minbari. Most of all, he hated the role
I played. I knew I had disappointed him. After a time, I could
not bear to spend more than a little time in his presence.
His eyes seemed to reproach me. When he passed beyond the
veil, I had not seen him for months.
But I was telling you of
Ivanova. She asked me to help her in a ceremonial lighting
of candles that signify the end of the week. Such candles
are customarily lit by the women of her people. Human mourning
customs are as numerous and diverse as their religions, but
those of Ivanova's people seem closest to our own. I felt
very comfortable, which usually does not happen when I take
part in human rituals.
When we talked of our childhoods,
she said she envied me because while growing up, I never knew
my mother. What an odd thing to say. I would think that Ivanova
would treasure the memory of the time she had with her mother.
I do, even though I only saw my mother three times. Perhaps
Ivanova meant the pain of losing her mother was too great.
I did not press her for an explanation. Ivanova is now the
last of her family. There will be no one to perform the mourning
rituals for her. Like most humans, she has no clan. I find
it very difficult to imagine being alone like that. She says
it doesn't matter. She says EarthForce is her clan and it
is enough. I do not know if I believe her.
What a gloomy letter this
has become. Perhaps I should stop now. Before I go, I would
ask you to listen for word of a true seeker named Thomas.
He is human. If he comes to Minbar, as is likely, for my sake,
meet with him and aid him, if you can.
IVN, Delenn
----------
15 September 2258
Mayan, old friend,
Nantucket is, I believe,
an old fishing village on the northeast coast of the western
continent of Earth. I thought you would enjoy the verse Mr.
Garibaldi taught me. He likes the similar Minbari ones I taught
him. He is particularly fond of one of yours: the one about
the crystal carver from Tuzenor. He wants to learn more.
Mr. Garibaldi has taken
it upon himself to teach me the more arcane aspects of human
culture. I found this most disconcerting at first, but now
I quite enjoy his lessons.
I have even developed a
taste for popcorn. We have nothing like it. The closest we
come are those dried shells of the t'laht fruit, which are
also eaten with salt. Lately, he has been showing me some
of his favourite vids. They are copies of animations that
are almost three hundred years old. They feature the adventures
of an anthropomorphised water fowl. One which depicts the
past's version of the future is particularly amusing. He wants
to teach me something called strip poker next.
When we have free time in
the evenings, I sometimes meet him in the observation lounge
to talk. He does not consume alcohol like most humans, so
he often leaves the various social gatherings early. I think
he has a metabolic problem with alcohol. He has said he doesn't
want it to kill him as it did his old man. I think he means
his father. I look forward to spending time with Mr. Garibaldi
as I am generally always amused and enlightened.
I will write more next time.
I think you are on the right track with the new work, but
you are not quite there yet. Keeping sending me the work in
progress.
IVN Delenn
----------
5 October 2258
Old friend,
Draal sends his regards.
He says that after hearing some of your recent work, he has
come to the conclusion that, despite appearances to the contrary,
you might have actually been paying attention in his class.
Draal came to see me a few
days ago to say goodbye. He has gone to the sea, Mayan. I
was as shocked as you are when he told me. He has grown tired
and sec'klee- se'kalh. I find it painful to think about him,
about what he will find, what he will become. At school, his
certainty and confidence, even his pomposity, was so reassuring.
To see him now, unsure and
searching for a purpose scared me.
I fear his soul sickness
is spreading among our people. I have been receiving disturbing
reports of growing tensions, especially between the warrior
and religious castes. Draal has only confirmed these reports.
I do not like it, but I understand why Draal wants to go.
It is the best thing he can do.
When we said our final farewells,
Draal tried to reassure me that he would be fine.
He knows what he must do.
I can only trust he is right; that the universe knows what
is best for him. I do not think I will ever see him again.
I wish...I don't know what
I wish anymore. Seeing Draal again and then saying goodbye
like that, I feel disconcerted, unsettled. I think I will
contrive to have Mr. Garibaldi invite me to see some more
of his animations. He seems despondent lately. An evening
of popcorn and vids will be good for both of us.
Take care, Mayan.
IVN. Delenn
----------
20 October 2258
Mayan,
I dreamed of Dukhat last
night. I haven't done that in a long time. It was so real,
Mayan. The way his beard tickled wherever he kissed me. The
passage of his hands over my body, firm and gentle and urgent,
all at once. The feel of his body on mine, in mine. The way
he held me afterward and tucked me against him before we fell
asleep. When I awoke, I expected to find him sleeping in his
accustomed position, his body curled around mine. I didn't
understand why he wasn't there. Until I remembered. I cried
then, which I haven't done in a very long time either.
I lost everyone I loved,
Mayan: my father, Branmer, Dukhat. I do not think I will ever
love again. Hold on to your love, Mayan. Cherish the time
you have together. The moments are fleeting, but they are
all we have.
I do not know why I am writing
like this. I have had the strangest thoughts lately. Perhaps
it is living among strangers, largely isolated from my own
people. I don't know. I don't think even Valen knows.
IVN, Delenn
----------
10 November 2258
Dukhat,
I cannot follow your path.
You must understand that. Very soon now, I must take the final
step. My heart tells me I belong on Babylon 5 with the humans.
The Council has accepted that, but they think I am unwise,
or my heart's calling is false. Even Gorenn, who has been
my staunchest friend and ally, has doubts. When I left the
Council Chambers for what I fear is the last time, Gorenn
gave me a triluminary, the one piece that is necessary to
activate the device. He said I would have more need of it
than the Council. He cannot know what I plan. I take this
as a sign that I am on the right path.
And yet, a part of me wishes
I could accept the leadership of the Council. There is so
much I could do. We have need of strong leadership now. I
can provide that. I am not boasting, as you know well. You
were always pleased that a false modesty was not one of my
vices.
I had to choose how I could
best serve our people. Or, perhaps I had no choice at all.
Prophecy takes care of itself.
In Valen's Name, Your Delenn
----------
12 November 2258
Mayan,
I don't know what Neroon
told you, but my actions were not motivated by a desire to
embarrass or humiliate him. The fact that he would think so
only confirms my opinion of him. I still do not understand
your affection for him. He is attractive, I grant you, but
that is his only redeeming feature. Never mind. You are well
aware of the enmity between us. I will not waste my time speaking
of him.
I could not stand by and
see Branmer's last wishes ignored, for the sake of the past,
if for no other reason. He was my first love, my first lover.
You know that after we parted we stayed friends. In some ways
we became even closer, working in our own ways for the same
goals. A few months before his death, Branmer confided that
he was thinking of returning to the religious caste. He was
weary of the warrior's life, weary of fighting against the
worst aspects of that caste. He saw the same things Draal
did. Neroon never understood. Perhaps, now that he is the
head of the Star Riders, he will gain some wisdom. I doubt
it.
Mayan, before I close, I
would ask a favour of you. There is a young human female,
a telepath, who has come to live among us. Her name is Alisa
Belden. Would you see her to let her know she is not friendless,
that she is in my thoughts? But beware, my friend, or you
will find her in your thoughts. Alisa is young and untrained,
but her telepathic abilities are strong. Help her, as you
can, for my sake.
IVN, Delenn
----------
21 November 2258
Hello Mayan,
I knew you would enjoy chocolate.
I have developed a taste for it also. But you are going to
have to get your own supply. I cannot spend all my time sending
you packages. For one thing, Lennier wouldn't let me. He has
become quite adept at keeping me to my schedule. He places
a greater importance on my work than I do. He still finds
trade negotiations exciting. But he is a quick study. I fully
expect him to become as bored as I am with the routine. I
am exaggerating, of course. Still, it is not far from the
truth. Lately, it seems as though I am doing the same thing
over and over again, with the same people.
Lennier is the one bright
spot. He is so eager to learn, it is a pleasure to teach him.
He is experiencing so many
things for the first time. Sometimes, the results are quite
humourous, but I am careful not to laugh. I do not want to
hurt his feelings. His most amusing experiences, at least
I find them funny, occur when he attempts to better his understanding
of humans. He is trying to learn more about them because he
knows I am interested. Fortunately, his desire to learn and
his eagerness to please is so transparent, he disarms even
those he has offended, albeit in all innocence. Even Ivanova,
who does not suffer fools gladly, is fond of him.
His recent adventure with
Mr. Garibaldi is a case in point. Lennier offered to help
him build an antique human transport. It is called a motorcycle,
I believe. Lennier decided to complete the project as a surprise
for Mr. Garibaldi, not realising that for the human, the enjoyment
was more in the process than the result. It ended happily
though, at least for the two of them. I am still getting the
occasional complaint about how my aide disturbed this ambassador,
or frightened that one when Mr. Garibaldi and Lennier roared
through the station on their new toy. It reminded me of the
time we "borrowed" your father's new flyer. I did not ground
Lennier afterward, though.
Sometimes Lennier reminds
me so much of myself when I first left the security of the
temple, I ache for him. I want to do everything I can to protect
him from disillusionment. I can hear your response. I know
I cannot keep him innocent and naive forever. It would be
unfair to him, at the least. But I hope he does not learn
too soon of the darkness that exists in the universe.
Like soul hunters? Yes,
I can hear you asking. And you are right. I am still disturbed
by my encounter with one. Mayan, I let my rage overcome my
reason again, and again, I almost destroyed everything I have
been trying to do. If Sinclair had not stopped me, I would
either be dead or imprisoned. I think that disturbs me most
of all, that I could so easily forget myself. That I could
act again without thinking of the consequences. Have I learned
nothing from the past? How can I continue to serve our people
if I cannot be sure that I will not let the fury of the moment
overcome my reason and my training? And if it happens again,
I cannot count on anyone stopping me again.
Valen help me, Delenn
----------
30 November 2258
Mayan,
Perhaps you are right. Perhaps
it was the ingrained horror of our people at the very idea
of a soul hunter that caused my actions. I would like to think
so. I would like to think I am through with death and destruction.
But, as you say, no harm was done this time, and now I know
that I must be more aware in the future. And you are also
right in saying that I am dismayed because I do not like to
think of myself as being able to lose control so easily. You
know me so well.
I must go now to insist
my young aide have his black eye attended to in Med Lab. I
am not joking. Lennier has gotten into some sort of mischief
with Londo. I am sure it is all Londo's fault, but Lennier
has taken the blame. I will not question him out of respect,
but I would dearly love to know what happened. Until next
time.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Lennier,
In the short while you have
been here, I have come to value you as my aide and, more importantly,
as my friend. It is as my friend I wish to speak to you now.
Do not grieve for me, Lennier. I do not intend to die. When
the transformation is complete, I shall serve as a bridge
to the humans, the other half of our souls. So prophecy says
and so I believe. If I am wrong, if I do pass over the veil?
What of it? I will die following my heart's calling. That
is not such a terrible thing. And we will meet again where
no shadows fall.
I need you now, to carry
out your duties and do all that must be done. I have left
instructions and notes to help you act in my place for a little
while. If you need advice, look to Rathenn in matters that
are purely Minbari. In all other matters, Commander Sinclair
can help you. Use what you have learned and your own innate
abilities. I expect to hear glowing reports of the abilities
and good sense of my young aide.
Farewell for a little while,
Lennier. Valen guide you.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Jeffrey,
You are the first human
I ever called friend. By now Lennier has told you what you
want to know, about the last day of the war and the reason
my people surrendered. Can you forgive me for what we did
to you that day and after? We had to keep the secret, from
my people as well as yours. But the time for such secrecy
is past now. We both know a great darkness is coming and we
must fight it together, Minbari and humans, or all will be
lost.
Both of us have changed
since that day on the Line. We have learned to work together
and to appreciate each other. Despite yourself, we became
friends. That friendship has enriched us. Through you I have
come to learn the best qualities of your people. When my change
is completed, I hope that I can acquire some of those qualities.
I do not know if you believe
as we believe. Humans have so many notions about the soul.
I would like to think you share our views. But it really doesn't
matter whether you believe. Your soul is Minbari, and so you
are a part of me. If I do not see you again, remember that.
I wish you joy, my friend.
May you find what you are seeking.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Rathenn,
I have taken the last step
to fulfill prophecy. I do not know what will happen to me.
If all goes well, I will see you again soon. If not, we will
meet again at the end of time. You have been a good friend
to me ever since our time in temple together, when we were
acolytes, fresh out of school. If I pass over, for the sake
of that friendship, I ask that you seek out the human, Jeffrey
Sinclair. He is important to the future, my heart tells me,
although I do not know in what way. Help him as you can. Farewell
for now, old friend.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Mayan, dearest of friends,
When you read this, the
Delenn you know will be gone. Who, or what, will take her
place, I do not know. I only pray that whatever change occurs
does not obscure my memories of our long friendship. The first
moment I met you, the warrior's daughter with the heart of
a poet, my soul reached out to yours. We were firm friends
from that first day at school, and that friendship has endured
through the years, even during the time we were estranged
because of the war.
You have been my friend,
my ally, the sister I never had. You were at my side for all
the milestones of my life: my passage from childhood; my dedication
in the temple; the nafak'cha that marked my appointment to
the Council. You helped me through my first love affair. You
sustained and comforted me when my father passed beyond the
veil. You have kept my secrets and given me advice and counsel
when I was most in need. We have laughed together and cried
together. Nothing, not even fulfillment of prophecy, is worth
the loss of such a friendship.
Mayan, I do not know what
will happen. I cannot imagine my life without your friendship.
Please, if the Delenn who emerges from the Chrysalis does
not know you, befriend her again. Whatever happens, my soul
will not change. It will still seek to touch yours.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Revered mother,
I have followed the calling
of my heart into the Chrysalis, as foretold by Valen's prophecies.
Perhaps I have been presumptuous. If so, we will not meet
again in this life.
I do not know you, except
through father's heart, but I believe your strength of will
and devotion to your calling has sustained my own. I treasure
the few times we spent together. When I emerge transformed,
I would like to see you once more, to receive your blessing
on the path I have chosen.
Valen go with you, and Valeria
sustain you.
Your obedient daughter,
Delenn
----------
31 December 2258
Dukhat,
It is done. When I finish
this letter, I shall enter the Chrysalis. I have spent my
whole life preparing for this moment, to fulfill the prophecy
of a thousand years. I thought, as the time drew closer, that
I would enter eagerly, without hesitation. I was wrong. I
am afraid. Afraid of what I will become, afraid of what I
must do afterward. Afraid I will not have the strength to
endure the future so changed from our people. I am Minbari
to the depths of my soul. How will I manage afterward?
There is no one I can speak
with now, to ask for advice or to seek reassurance. So I turn
to you, as I have so often in the past. I can only try to
endure what I must and do what I am able. I must believe that
the universe takes care of itself in ways we do not always
understand. I must believe I am in the right place at the
right time.
You believed in me and that
knowledge comforts me now. I will keep the image of your face
and the sound of your voice foremost in my mind when I enter
the Chrysalis.
I will hold the memory of
our love in my heart. It will be enough.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
...IN VALEN'S NAME DELENN (II)
By Frieda
W. Landau
...In Valen's Name, Delenn
Extracts from the Correspondence of Ambassador Delenn of the
Minbari
During her Time on Babylon 5
21 January 2259
Mayan, old friend
I am still the Delenn you know. Only the
outward form has changed. You can judge for yourself if the
result is pleasing. I do not know yet. I am still trying to
deal with what happened and what will happen in the future.
I emerged from the Chrysalis encased in
a thick, scaly crust. I was horrified. What sort of creature
had I become? My worst fears seemed to be realized. Praise
Valen for Lennier. He called Dr. Franklin who discovered the
crust broke away easily. After he and Lennier cleaned me up,
I did not look so bad. I was very weak and unsteady, and very
cold, but that passed for the most part.
The most notable change, of course, is
the hair. It is an odd sensation, feeling the hair tickling
my neck as I move. It does not feel at all like the hair in
Dukhat's beard. The hair moves with me and keeps falling into
my eyes. It is very distracting, but I will have to get used
to it. My balance also seems to be affected. My head feels
so much lighter, but I still move as though the whole crest
were still there. Perhaps this is because I still feel a bit
weak. I hope so. I don't like the thought of having to learn
to walk again.
The other changes are more subtle. My hips
are broader and my stomach is more rounded. My shoulders also
seem wider, but that may be an illusion caused by the fuller
breasts. And before you ask, most of the cerulean markings
are gone or so faded as to be barely distinguishable against
the rosier tone of my skin. I assume my internal organs are
the same. Dr. Franklin did not find anything odd.
I am relieved that my fears did not materialize.
I had envisioned all sorts of catastrophic changes that would
make a monster of me, something shunned by all races. This
new form seems to be agreeable, at least in appearance. It
is too early to tell if I will find any insurmountable problems.
I must stop now. Dr. Franklin wants me
to rest. He says this body - I cannot yet call it my body
with complete comfort - is still traumatized by the change.
He says he is going to keep a close eye on me until he is
sure everything is stable and functioning as it should. I
cannot fault his concern, but I think I shall soon grow tried
of his examinations.
I met the new commander of the station
earlier today. He is not at all what I expected.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
22 January 2259
Jeffrey,
By now you are aware of why we wanted you
to come to Minbar. I hope you will accept our offer. It is
time to build our resources for the coming battles. You are
best suited to refashion the Rangers into the force Valen
envisioned, from which they have sadly fallen away. If our
people are truly to unite against the darkness, then humans
must join the Rangers. Only a human leader can accomplish
that, and you are the only human my people will accept, even
though they may seem reluctant at first.
I was shocked to hear you left Babylon
5 so abruptly. That was never our intention. We thought the
transition would be gradual. And we certainly did not expect
your government to choose Sheridan as your successor. Why
would they do such a thing? My people will view the appointment
as a direct affront. There will be trouble. Surely Sheridan
was not the only choice.
I realize he is not the unprincipled coward
our warrior caste believe him to be. When we met briefly at
the Council meeting yesterday, he seemed honorable. I trust
it was not wishful thinking on my part. You mentioned once
you served with him. Can you tell me more of him? I value
your opinion.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
12 February 2259
Hello Mayan,
I am growing more accustomed to this body.
I automatically adjust my clothing to allow more room for
my chest. I only wear robes or dresses now as anything else
is too snug. I have to order some new clothes as soon as I
have the time. I can walk easily. The hair makes no difference,
or I have adjusted without realizing. And yet, every time
I see my reflection unexpectedly, I still wonder who that
is in the mirror. Sometimes, when he thinks I am unaware,
Lennier looks at me as if he is trying to reconcile the woman
he sees with the satai he serves. I know how he feels.
Some still stare when I walk by, but that
is becoming more infrequent each day. Either they are used
to my new appearance or they are too polite to make their
notice obvious. I still do not know what the members of the
Babylon 5 Council or the command staff truly think. Londo
said he prefers me without hair, but he had been drinking
at the time. I cannot expect to hear anything from the other
Minbari on station. They would not be openly disrespectful
to someone of my rank. Only Sinclair, of the humans who knew
me before, has said anything. When I saw him recently, he
said he approved of the results. He said I looked very attractive.
I do not think he was only being polite.
I miss Sinclair. I had grown accustomed
to our talks. The new commander is quite different. I know
I promised to tell you of him before, but I have been very
busy. I will try to make amends now.
I met Captain Sheridan at the first Babylon
5 Council session I attended after I recovered. I am not sure
what I expected when I heard Starkiller was the new commander.
What I saw was a pleasant looking human male who seemed stunned
by my appearance. There is an air of innocence about him,
which is surprising in one of his rank. He must have been
very young when he served in the war. His eyes are honest.
And yet, when I looked into his eyes, I
saw pain in their depth. Pain and a great sadness. I have
since learned that his mate died in an accident in space.
He must have loved her very much. I know that pain. I felt
it for years after Dukhat passed over the veil. I could tell
the Captain the pain will fade in time. The sadness for a
life destroyed too soon does not.
I saw something else when I looked into
Sheridan's eyes; something I do not understand; something
I find disturbing. For a moment, as we locked gazes, I saw
something that seemed to reach out to touch my soul. I felt
something searching for a part of me that I didn't know existed
until then. It was familiar but forgotten until that moment.
I am not explaining very well. How can I explain? I think
I felt a part of my soul in him touch a part of his soul in
me. That is not much better, is it? Never mind. When I understand,
I will tell you.
Now I must go and endure another of Dr.
Franklin's interminable examinations. He says he is concerned
for my well being, that he wants to be sure I suffer no ill
effects from the change. I think he is just satisfying his
curiosity at my expense. But I will not tell him that. He
really has been most helpful and sympathetic.
Give my regards to your father on the anniversary
of his naming day.
IVN, Delenn
----------
17 February 2259
Jeffrey, my friend
Congratulations. I am sure that even those
who oppose you now will realize that you are the best choice
for Ranger One. I will do all I can to support you.
I am honoured that you want to give me
direct authority over all Ranger activities in and around
Babylon 5. But are you sure I am the right one? I have no
military training as such. Would not someone like Mr. Garibaldi
be a better choice? I know you say your representative here
should be Minbari as a balance, but is that really necessary?
I ask only because I doubt myself. I have never commanded
a military group, not even during the war. The Grey Council
gave the orders, but the warrior caste carried them out as
they thought best. Nevertheless, I will do my best to carry
out your wishes. I only hope my abilities will measure up
to your trust.
Take care, my friend. May Valen guide you.
In Valen's Name, Delenn of the Rangers
----------
28 February 2259
Hello Mayan,
I do not know why I still bother to keep
anything from you. You know me too well, my friend. You are
quite right, as usual. It was not only Sheridan I was trying
to reassure that the universe knows what it is doing. I succeeded
with the Captain. You can at least grant me that.
I feel myself more and more isolated from
other Minbari, especially those on the station. I was wrong,
Mayan. I thought the others look away when I pass by out of
respect. They look away out of disgust and contempt. I have
become a freak in their minds, even to those who know and
believe in the prophecies. I never expected this. I thought
my transformation would be welcome, or at least understood,
as a sign that the time Valen spoke of is now. How can I act
as a bridge between the halves of our soul when one half rejects
me so completely? How can I make them understand if they will
not even talk to me? How can I do what is required if I am
all alone?
Only Lennier remains unchanged toward me.
His support and loyalty are unwavering. I don't know what
I would do if he too changed toward me. We have become friends.
I find I can talk to him of many things beyond his duties.
His perspective is always refreshing. He still retains his
innocence, even as he loses some of his naivete. I fear that
will not last, especially if the hostility toward me extends
to him.
I miss you, Mayan. I miss our talks. Letters
are not the same. There is no one here I can relax with. Talking
with Lennier helps, but it is not the same. The differences
in our experiences are still too great as yet for him to fully
understand. And he always remembers that he is the student,
so he hesitates to contradict me, even when I deliberately
say something outrageous.
It is funny, though. I think I can talk
to Captain Sheridan. He is not Minbari, but I think we have
much in common. We have both paid a price to get where we
are today. He is a strange contradiction. He is a warrior,
of that there is no doubt, but there is something gentle about
him. He is distressed by the deaths of those under his command,
yet he does not hesitate to give the orders that can result
in those deaths. You have always understood this better than
I, Mayan. He told me he was unsure, that he did not know if
he would be able to handle a command like Babylon 5, with
a large civilian population that he can't just order around.
But he relishes the challenge. I want to learn more of him,
how his mind works, what he thinks of when he's alone in the
night.
I think the Captain enjoyed our talk in
the garden. He said he felt better afterward. I do not think
he was only being polite. Perhaps we will become friends,
the way Sinclair and I did. I would like that. And that would
be the strangest change of all, Satai and Starkiller as friends.
I must go to Medlab now. Dr. Franklin wants
to run some more tests. The man's curiosity about me is insatiable,
I am afraid. This time, though, I have some questions for
him. I am beginning to grow hair in the strangest places.
IVN, Delenn
----------
18 March 2259
Mayan,
It was just as difficult as I thought it
would be, but I took your advice. I asked Captain Sheridan
to have dinner with me yesterday. You were right. It was a
good way to find out more about him. He was surprised, but
he agreed readily enough. He even took care of the reservations.
It was quite an adventure.
Since I was going to have human food with
a human, I decided to wear human dress. Shopping for the proper
clothing was a new experience. I must have tried on dozens
of dresses before I found the right one. The shop keeper must
have thought I was incapable of making a decision. She was
probably right. She finally recommended I take the one she
suggested. She said the dress was elegant, yet sexy, which
suited my looks. Don't laugh, Mayan. She was sincere. The
dress is close fitting, black, with long sleeves and a cut
out bodice. I guess that is the sexy part. Humans consider
breasts erotic. I took the shop keeper's advice and fixed
my hair off my neck, in what Commander Ivanova taught me was
a French knot. I will tell you about that another time, as
I am sure you want to hear all about my dinner date, which
is what the Captain called it.
I arrived at the restaurant, the Fresh
Aire, a few minutes late, which I have since discovered is
proper for the female among humans. But that was not why I
was late. I was terrified. I was thinking I must be out of
my mind to do this. The dress was all wrong, my hair was all
wrong, I was all wrong. Captain Sheridan only accepted out
of duty. He had no desire to spend an evening talking to me.
I was about to call it off, but I realized it was too late.
So I thought of Valeria in the Starfire Wheel and called on
Valen for help and went to meet the Captain.
The walk from the entrance to the table
where Sheridan waited was one of the longest in my life. I
felt everyone, including the Captain, looking at me. When
he held the chair for me to sit - a strange human custom -
he said something I did not quite understand. But from the
tone of his voice and the look in his eye, I gathered it was
complimentary. The dress turned out to be a good choice, after
all. Others seemed to think so too, judging from the way the
Captain snapped at a man who was staring at me.
We were a bit awkward with each other at
first, as we discussed what to order. I let him chose, as
I have had little experience with human food. By the time
we finished the first course, a variety of small dishes with
just a taste or two on each, we were more comfortable with
each other. When the main course arrived - is it common among
humans to serve food serially, I wonder? As I was saying,
when we ate the main course, we were laughing and chatting
like old friends. I never knew humans and Minbari have so
much in common. Some humans even keep a pet that is very similar
to our own goks, in spirit at least.
I think we annoyed the restaurant staff.
We were the last to leave. Even the cooks had gone home. Sheridan
wanted to pay the bill, but I insisted as it had been my idea
in the first place. He finally agreed on condition that he
would pay the next time. There will definitely be a next time.
As early as next week, if we can both make the time. I don't
remember when I've had a more enjoyable evening. The Captain
seemed as reluctant as I to end it. He insisted on walking
me back to my quarters, the long way, through the gardens.
It's odd, Mayan. When we said good night
at my door, I was very tempted to invite him in. Of course
I could not. We barely know each other and I do not have your
boldness in such matters. Still, for a moment there, as he
took my hand to say good night, I thought he might not refuse
if I did invite him. I was probably imagining things. It has
been such a long time since I had the company of a male who
is pleasing to look at and pleasing to be with.
I will send you a still taken last night
in the restaurant. When I had asked Sheridan why a photographer
was going from table to table, the Captain told me some people
like to have stills taken as souvenirs. Then, he called the
photographer over to our table. I think it came out rather
well.
IVN, Delenn
----------
17 April 2259
Hello, old friend,
I am pleased you decided to reveal the
presence of the Rangers to Mr. Garibaldi. It will make my
work with them here so much easier if we do not have to keep
avoiding anything that would attract his attention. Since
he is know to be my friend, we can also spend time together
to conduct Ranger business without arousing undo suspicion.
Sooner or later, especially with the growing hostilities between
the Centauri and the Narn, we will require the cooperation
of someone on the command staff here. Perhaps Commander Ivanova
would be a good choice. But you would know that better than
I.
On a personal note, Jeffrey, I have attempted
to deliver your message to Miss Satai, but she is still exploring
in sector 37 and will be out of reach for several more weeks
yet. As soon as she returns, I will make arrangements for
her to join you.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
1 May 2259
Mayan,
It is a strange thing. Lately, Sheridan
and I have been meeting several times a week in the gardens.
I say meeting, but we make no plans to meet. We seem to find
ourselves there at the same time or within a few moments of
each other. We talk or just sit quietly for a while, it makes
no difference, and then we go our separate ways. Yet, I always
feel better. I forget the problems of the day. And later,
those problems do not seem as large or as insurmountable.
Mayan, I feel more welcome and acceptance
from this former enemy than I do from our own people.
IVN, Delenn
----------
18 May 2259
Mayan,
A great many EarthForce land troops have
been transiting through the station recently. I had an encounter
with some of these ground pounders, as they call themselves,
that may amuse you. I made the mistake of passing through
the Zocalo while what seemed like a regiment were drinking
at the various bars there. I do not understand why humans
consume alcohol as it seems to have a deleterious effect on
them. A small group, no more than four or five, accosted me
as I attempted to pass, taking exception to my appearance.
Fortunately, a young female soldier decided to rescue me and
I was able to leave in the confusion.
I say fortunately, because otherwise I
would have been forced to defend myself. The sight of the
Minbari ambassador using her fighting pike to knock out a
group of EarthForce soldiers would have been most embarrassing
to Mr. Garibaldi, who is responsible for security of all dignitaries.
And I have already embarrassed him this week during one of
his attempts to teach me more about humans.
He was teaching me to play a card game
called poker. It is not a difficult game if you have any knowledge
of probabilities. Ivanova, Dr. Franklin, and a technician
from hydroponics were also playing. Mr. Garibaldi was enjoying
himself and having such a good time, especially when he won,
that I said that if watching Duck Dodgers was his second favorite
thing in the world, then this must be his first favorite thing.
Susan and Dr. Franklin started laughing uncontrollably and
after a moment, Mr. Garibaldi did also. I did not understand
what was so funny. Yes, I know, Mayan, I am sometimes naive
about such things. There is no need for you to make the comments
you are making as you read this. I did catch on after a while.
I usually do, even without your help. I laughed also when
I got the joke. But then the others started to tease Mr. Garibaldi
about his favorite thing. I tried to apologize then, but I
am afraid I only made matters worse. The game broke up after
that. Before I left, Mr. Garibaldi threatened to get even
by teaching me strip poker, which caused the others to start
laughing again. I do not think I will ever understand humans.
This is the second time Mr. Garibaldi has
said he was going to teach me that game. I am becoming very
intrigued. Next time, I will insist that he teach me.
IVN, Delenn
----------
25 May 2259
Mayan,
Human bodies require much more maintenance
than Minbari ones. Especially human female bodies that have
just experienced puberty. Ridiculous, isn't it? I went through
puberty once and now I'm doing it again. Human puberty is
such a messy affair.
And, it happens every month, except during
pregnancy. If not for Susan Ivanova, I don't know what I would
do. She has been such a help to me. Dr. Franklin explained
what my body is going through and what I could expect, but
Susan knows what I feel and how I feel because she goes through
it herself every month. I have come to trust her implicitly
in these matters.
The first time I asked her for aid was
the day before the Centauri ambassador's celebration of the
anniversary of his ascension day. I was having a bad hair
day, as Susan put it later. Bad is an understatement. My hair
looked like a flock of temshee had settled in for the summer.
I asked Commander Ivanova to come to my quarters. I was not
fit to be seen in public. At first she was reluctant, but
finally she agreed to help me. She began by cleansing my hair
with a special foaming gel and water. I'm afraid I did not
cooperate very well. I was not used to having my head immersed
in water like that. I kept flinching away every time water
got into my eyes. And as she tried to untangle the knots in
my hair, I would pull away from her, which caused even more
water to splash all over the place. She would apologize for
hurting me as she tugged at the knots, and I would apologize
for splashing her, and so it went for a while. By the time
my hair was cleansed, we were both soaked with water. But
any awkwardness between us had passed.
While my hair, and her uniform, dried,
she taught me how to care for my hair and skin, demonstrating
where necessary. She told me where to find the best cleansers
and creams, and which products to avoid. She even explained
all the different types of exfoliating devices available to
remove unwanted hair on other parts of the body. It seems
the fuzz that has developed on my pubic mound is not considered
unwanted. But hair on female legs is normally removed. Fortunately,
I don't have that problem. I don't think I could deal with
another body maintenance routine.
Yet, I have since discovered that the necessity
of daily cleansing in a shower is a routine that invigorates
and calms at the same time. Rubbing on the foaming gel and
then rinsing off under a tingling spray of water can also
be a very sensual experience, which is something I did not
expect. The effect is heightened when specially scented gels
and oils are used.
But I was telling you about my bad hair
day. Susan sectioned and wrapped my hair around soft, hollow
cylinders to aid in styling it later. I was quite a sight.
Poor Lennier. He came in to give me a message and saw me in
an old robe with those things in my hair. He is too well disciplined
to show surprise easily, but he could not refrain from asking
if my head hurt. When I told him I found it rather soothing,
he hastily retreated. Understanding is not required, but in
this case I took pity on him and explained later. He still
didn't understand. But Susan says that is not surprising.
He is, after all, a male.
Susan and I have become good friends. That
is an unexpected benefit of my transformation. I am sure there
are others, but right now, while I am coping with cramps and
blood and bad hair days, I can't think of any.
IVN, Delenn
----------
6 June 2259
Mayan,
I am sure Neroon took great pleasure relating
in all the details. There is no need for me to add anything.
Do not worry. His actions will never affect our friendship
for my part. I am still here, where my heart tells me I must
be, which - as you say- provides some comfort. Or will, when
I can overcome the bitterness in my heart.
Mayan, I have spent more than half my life
serving the Grey Council in various forms: first as an acolyte,
then as Dukhat's aide, and finally as a full member. For twenty
cycles I have called the Council members colleagues and friends.
Yet these friends refused to speak to me. They averted their
eyes when I pleaded my case. They even mocked my position,
allowing Neroon to replace me. And then they generously allowed
me to remain on Babylon 5, a beggar granted the crumbs from
the table, or so it must seem to them. They have forgotten,
or choose to forget, prophecy.
Only Lennier remains steadfast in his loyalty
to me. It is foolish of him. He would do better with another
mentor. He has pledged himself to my side. He does not know
how dangerous that may be. Or if he knows, he does not care.
Yet I am glad he did not go as I urged him to do. He has become
the only light in the darkness that surrounds me. With his
help and support, I will find the strength to overcome even
the Council, if necessary.
I do not wish to dwell on this any further.
Valen said losing oneself in routine allows time for wounds
of the soul to heal. I will soon find out if this is true.
With Lennier away at the same time, there is now a great backlog
I must attend to. At least they left me that.
Do not worry, Mayan. I shall survive. In
time I may even come to believe that leaving the Council was
the best thing for me. But I do not think I will forget how
they turned away from me.
IVN, Delenn
----------
7 June 2259
Old friend,
You were right, Jeffrey. The warrior caste
is trying to expand its power and authority at the expense
of the other castes. I did not want to believe it; I could
not believe it. The balance among the castes has existed for
a thousand years. It is time I paid more attention to the
reports from home.
I have taken my dismissal from the Grey
Council as well as can be expected. There is nothing I can
do about it now. I will have to live with their decision.
I am only sorry I can no longer offer you the assistance and
protection I promised when I urged you to head the Rangers.
I am afraid your work will be more difficult now. Neroon and
his allies will try to thwart you at every turn. But I am
not entirely powerless and friendless. I still have some influence
and will do all I can. More secrecy is required, especially
in anything pertaining to the new fleet. The warrior caste
will try to prevent the construction if they can. Fortunately,
the prototype is nearing completion.
When I returned to Babylon 5, I learned
that Captain Sheridan had been taken prisoner by the Streibs.
I was able to guide a fleet to his rescue. It felt good when
I warned the Streib ship to surrender their captives or face
the consequences. I did not feel so powerless then. I have
never quite understood the warrior urge until now. I hope
that all battles are not born of the desire to compensate
for one's own feelings of frustration and futility, but I
suspect many are.
Give my regards to Miss Sakai. I enjoyed
talking with her before she left.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
20 June 2259
Mayan,
I need your help. I know how much you hate
politics, but even you must have heard what is happening with
the Narn. You have many friends and colleagues on other worlds.
Can you provide me with a list of those who you think would
be willing to help in a relief effort? Any relief must be
provided outside of official channels, which is why I thought
of you. Sheridan and I are doing what we can, but it is not
enough.
The Captain and I have been meeting almost
daily for lunch as a cover for our efforts to help the Narn.
The business part of the lunch ends very quickly and we spend
the rest of the time just talking about everything and anything.
I am beginning to feel a little guilty that I am enjoying
these meetings so much. I think he enjoys them too.
Sheridan is an interesting man. The more
I know of him, the more I want to know.
He has a quick mind and a lively curiosity.
And a sense of wonder that is rare in an adult. He is always
eager to learn more about the universe around him. He can
make quick and accurate decisions based on a minimum of information.
I do not know who is learning more about the other. We seem
to be spending a lot of time with each other lately, in addition
to the lunches.
IVN, Delenn
----------
28 June 2259
Jeffrey,
My friend, Mayan, has provided a list of
those on other worlds who are willing to aid the Narn, which
should allow us to establish an - as you say - underground
railroad for the flow of medicines and supplies, and for the
escape of those Narn most in danger from the Centauri. Rangers
could provide the logistics and support, and any defense that
may be required. If you wish, I can coordinate matters from
Babylon 5, but I suspect you are better suited to do this
as the Ranger training camp is not easily visited by outsiders.
Sheridan supports us fully in this. He
is using whatever means he has, calling in favors and such,
all without the support or knowledge of his government. I
suspect the risk to him is greater than he lets on. You were
right about him. He is indeed honorable.
My regards to Miss Sakai.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
10 July 2259
Entil'Zha,
Congratulations, old friend. You have achieved
a signal honour. Only Valen himself held the title before
you. Do not doubt that you will not fail in comparison. You
have already revived and inspired the Anla'Shok beyond our
hopes. The universe has placed the right person in the right
place at the right time.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
20 July 2259
Mayan,
You have heard the news. I do not believe
it either. And not only because I like him. I do not believe
it is in him to commit such an act. The Sheridan I have come
to know and respect could not murder anyone. Yet I must act
as though the charges are credible and take the word of his
accuser. I cannot believe Sheridan is guilty, and I cannot
think of any reason why his accuser would risk his own and
his clan's honour by lying. The situation is impossible.
If anyone else were so accused, I would
go to the Captain, ask his advice and opinion, and together
we would find the truth. There is no one I can turn to now.
The humans suspect me of favouring my own people. The Minbari
here do not expect me to be fair to them. They no longer trust
me. The chief accuser will not even answer my questions because
he does not talk to freaks, as he put it. I am very alone
now, except for Lennier, whose loyalty and desire to help
is my only comfort, yet again. I do not know what will happen,
but I fear the worst.
Valen help me, Delenn,
----------
20 July 2259
Entil'Zha,
We both know that Sheridan did not commit
murder, but unless the truth is discovered quickly, my government
will demand his extradition and trial. Even if he is eventually
cleared, it will be too late. He will be gone from Babylon
5 and our strength will be diminished. You are in a better
position than I to investigate the dead and the one who now
accuses Sheridan. But you must act quickly.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
25 July 2259
Mayan,
It is over. Sheridan is safe. I cannot
tell you everything, but he acted honourably, even though
it meant the full truth could not be made public. I suspect
his government is not pleased, but he does not care.
After the last week, the routine of ambassadorial
duties does not seem so tiresome.
I actually look forward to the latest round
of trade negotiations. Unfortunately, once they begin, I am
sure I will wish for them to end. Still, right now, I welcome
the routine.
So does Sheridan. When I came to his office
to give him a copy of my final report, I found him whistling
as he read the latest recycling figures. He told me once he
finds those the most boring to read. We both laughed about
it.
Mayan, do not misunderstand. I am not falling
for Sheridan, as you suggest. We have become friends. I enjoy
his company. That is all. There is nothing more on my part.
I enjoy the company of a number of humans, including Mr. Garibaldi.
You surely will not suggest I am falling for him. Why should
Sheridan be different?
Speaking of Mr. Garibaldi, when I beat
him at cards again, he again threatened to teach me strip
poker. He said he wouldn't mind losing then, which made everyone
else laugh. But when Susan suggested we play that next, he
quickly changed the subject. I am beginning to suspect the
game has something to do with sex. I have noticed that humans
react oddly whenever the subject comes up in a situation that
would ordinarily contain no mention of sexual matters. I am
going to do a careful check of the data bases as soon as I
have the time. I think it would be better if I did not assign
the task to Lennier.
You must write more often and tell me what
you are doing.
IVN, Delenn
----------
19 September 2259
Jeffrey,
I had to tell Sheridan of the Shadows and
of the war we are both certain is coming.
The enclosed report details the circumstances
that made disclosure necessary. I think the time has come
to take him fully into our confidence and give him co-captaincy
of the Rangers in this sector, as we discussed. We need someone
of his tactical abilities. War may be upon us sooner than
we think. The decision, of course, is yours. Nevertheless,
I urge you to make it soon.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
20 September 2259
Dukhat,
Once again I turn to you. There is no one
else. I am alone as I have never been before. More alone than
I thought possible. It is said of us that Minbari never lie,
but it is also said we never tell the whole truth. Yesterday,
I spoke to Sheridan of the Shadows and the death of his wife.
But I did not tell him the whole truth. I did not tell him
of our suspicions that Morden is not the only survivor. I
could not tell him. He would try to go to Z'Ha'Dum to discover
the truth for himself. Kosh and I cannot permit that. No one
has ever returned from there. We cannot risk losing Sheridan.
I believe he is the human foretold in the prophecies.
That is not the only reason. I don't want
to lose Sheridan. Not that he is mine to lose. If the prophecies
do indeed also foretell a physical union of the two halves
of our souls, my heart rejoices. How can I tell him his wife
may be alive, and if she is, she serves the shadows? I cannot
tell him. Yet, I am afraid if I do not, the consequences will
be unimaginable.
Kosh does not want Sheridan told. For the
time being, I will do as the Vorlon asks. But I cannot pretend
I am only doing what Kosh wants. I fear for the future.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
21 September 2259
Mayan,
It really doesn't matter if I am falling
for Sheridan. He is still in love with his wife, as I recently
discovered. At best, we will never be more than close friends.
At worst, I do not want to think about that. You saw the ISN
broadcast, Mayan. I meant no disrespect to those who died
in the war. I was horrified that there are humans who would
think so. How can I serve as a bridge to the humans if many
of them believe I am an affront to them?
A number of humans have reassured me that
the reporter is wrong, that most humans do not hate me. Mr.
Garibaldi said that most humans, especially most human males,
find me attractive. I do not know whether to believe him,
although he did say I looked very nice at Londo's anniversary
party. And Susan and the Captain certainly do not disapprove
of me. But Susan was a friend before my change, and Sheridan
never knew me before. I do not know what to think.
Mr. Garibaldi's actions do not entirely
reassure me. Since the broadcast, he has been finding excuses
to spend more time with me. I suspect Sheridan asked him to
keep an eye on me just in case a human tries to harm me. It
would be amusing under other circumstances. I am more likely
to be attacked by one of our own. The hostility and disdain
directed toward me by other Minbari has not diminished. I
am truly all alone in the crowd of people on the station.
It is not nonsense, Mayan. If not for the
talks with Sheridan and the occasional gatherings with Mr.
Garibaldi and Susan, I would be very lonely. Poor Lennier
is suffering the results. I am spending more time with him,
working with him and teaching him. The other day he spoke
wistfully of temple holidays when he was free of all duties.
I took pity on him and gave him the rest
of the week off.
I miss you, my friend. Do you think you
can visit me here on Babylon 5 again soon? I always feel better
after talking to you, even when we do not agree.
IVN, Delenn
----------
25 September 2259
Jeffrey, my friend,
I mourn your loss with you. It is small
comfort for the present, I know, but remember you will not
be separated from Catherine forever. Your souls will seek
each other out every time you are reborn. You will have many
lifetimes to spend together in joy and contentment. And at
the end of time, you will be reunited in the place where no
shadows fall.
Meanwhile, you have friends who care about
you. Let us help you.
In Valen's Name,
Delenn
----------
30 September 2259
Mayan,
I was with the Markab when they died. I
have been in battle, at the Line where thousands of humans
died and body parts orbited the debris of exploded ships.
I have tended the wounded, even those dying of radiation burns.
Never, never, have I seen death like this. Never. We did what
we could, Lennier and I. But after a time, our efforts seemed
less than futile. There was no comfort we could offer to a
people that were dying for reasons they could not comprehend
or accept.
The stench of death was everywhere. It
assaulted our senses until we thought we could stand no more,
and then, mercifully, our senses became numb from the assault.
After a time, after the first few hundred deaths, it seemed
our hearts became numb too. We wiped brows and provided water.
We offered blankets and moved the dead away from the living;
and later, the living from the dead, until we could no longer
distinguish between them. The faces blurred. I could not tell
you now with any assurance what an individual Markab looked
like.
Only one death stands out. A young girl,
a child, hardly more than a toddler. I had seen her before,
when the Markab still moved freely around the station. She
stumbled into me. I caught her before she could fall. Perhaps
that is why she did not seem afraid of me when she became
separated from her mother. While Lennier searched for the
child's mother, I told her about the time I became separated
from my father and took shelter in Valen's temple. There was
no such shelter for her. A few moments after she was reunited
with her mother, the child showed signs of the disease. She
was dead a few hours later. Until then, I could believe, or
at least pretend to myself, that their deaths were not inevitable,
that the disease would run its course and the survivors would
be able to leave the isolation area. That hope died with the
child.
She was not the only child who died, of
course. Yet her death affected me more than any other. For
the few moments I talked to her and comforted her, I think
I felt as though she were my own. You know how I feel about
children, Mayan. I have always wanted children of my own.
When I was fully Minbari, I thought when I was settled on
the Council, Dukhat and I would have at least one child. After
his death, there was no one else for me. And now, there will
never be another chance for me. I cannot mate with a Minbari
male now, even if one would still have me. And I doubt I will
ever love a human male and be loved by him in return.
When Captain Sheridan came into the isolation
area, after all had died, I collapsed against his shoulder,
crying uncontrollably. I cried for all the Markab children,
and I cried for the children I will never have. John held
me, stroking my hair until I regained control. Then he insisted
on taking me home.
He ordered me to shower and prepare for
bed. I was too worn out to argue with him. When I emerged,
dressed in an old robe, I found a cup of hot tea and a plate
of fruit waiting for me. John said he was going to stay until
I fell asleep, to make sure I was all right. It was easier
to do as he said than to protest. I found out later that he
stayed in the main room almost all night, resting on the couch,
just in case I awoke and needed anything or had nightmares.
He left a little while before I woke up.
At lunch the next day, he was still concerned
about me, but I was able to reassure him I was all right.
I think he believed me. I am not fine, of course. It was a
soul searing experience. But I will be all right eventually.
I only wish I could believe the universe has a good reason
for killing the Markab children.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
4 October 2259
Entil'Zha,
Lyta Alexander has returned to Babylon
5 at great risk to herself to warn the command staff of a
spy in their midst. She is being hunted by the Psi Corps and
needs to disappear from their view. I am making arrangements
for her to stay on Minbar for a while, perhaps with Alissa
Beldon. It will be good for Alissa, I think, to spend some
time with someone of her own kind. And Lyta will be harder
to detect among other telepaths.
I will send her to Minbar with a small
Ranger escort. Will you ask those Rangers who come in contact
with EarthForce or Psi Corps to keep me informed of any efforts
to find Lyta?
Valen walk with you.
In Valen's name, Delenn
----------
15 November 2259
Dukhat,
Why? Why did Kosh submit me to this? Have
I not worked with him, trusted him, complied with his wishes
even when I thought he was wrong? Why? And how could he place
Sheridan in such jeopardy? Kosh knows Sheridan's importance,
his role in what is to come. Surely Kosh knew the Captain
would try to come to my aid if he could. He would do the same
for any of his friends, or anyone in his command, for that
matter. Yet Kosh risked everything. Was there not another
way of testing my faith? Was the inquisitor really necessary?
I have sacrificed everything for the sake of prophecy.
I am prepared to die, alone and friendless,
if necessary. Yet the Vorlon did not consider this sufficient.
If Sheridan had not come, I believe the
inquisitor would have killed me. And yet, when the Captain
did come, Sebastian was not surprised. He seemed to be waiting
for him. Did Kosh mean to test Sheridan also? How could he
be sure John would survive? Or does the Vorlon not care? Are
we all pawns to be used at his will and then discarded when
our usefulness is over? I do not want to believe that. I cannot
believe that.
Kosh has always treated me with kindness
and consideration, from the first time I encountered him in
you sanctuary. He inspired me to choose Sinclair for examination
at the end of the war. He has advised and guided me ever since.
The Vorlon has worked to unite and support us to face the
coming darkness. Surely he would not undermine all that.
And what of Sheridan? Kosh had never shown
any interest in the humans before. He even attends the Council
meetings now, something he had never done before the Captain
arrived. John has told me that Kosh is teaching him. Why would
Kosh go to all that trouble and then subject Sheridan to the
inquisitor also? I do not understand. And the Vorlon will
not explain.
Sheridan does not trust Kosh in the same
way he did before. It is not surprising. Was it worth it?
I do not know. I can only fear for the future.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
19 December 2259
Mayan,
English is a very strange language. There
are words that sound the same, yet have different meanings,
and words that have the same meaning but do not sound at all
alike. Did you know that the word that is a synonym for however
is also, with the addition of an extra letter - which is not
pronounced, so why is it added? - a colloquial term for buttocks;
and this same spelling also connotes a target for arrows?
It is all very confusing. I think John is right. He says I
have the damnedest gaps in my vocabulary. Although I do not
understand why I would wish to consign this gap to eternal
torment.
Curses in English are also very strange.
They all seem to deal with reproductive or excretory functions
and involve all sorts of impossible anatomical positions,
usually with one's mother. Susan and Mr. Garibaldi have been
teaching me some of them. I told them that the worst thing
you can say to a Minbari is that his soul makes the same mistakes
every time it is reborn. Susan laughed and said it sounded
very Russian.
I already knew John's favorite expletive
- absofragginglutely. I have no idea what it means, except
that it is used for emphasis. When I used it in conversation
with him, he did not correct me, so I assume I used it properly.
John seemed surprised I learned so quickly.
It is strangely quiet on the station lately
now that the Narn have been defeated. It is as though everyone
is holding his breath, afraid to make a move, waiting for
the next calamity. John and I took advantage of the relative
calm to have dinner a few nights ago.
We had something called pizza, a dish from
the same part of Earth where Mr. Garibaldi's ancestors were
born. Pizza is a round dough covered with a sauce of tomatoes
and topped with assorted meats and vegetables and a special
cheese. It is baked until the dough browns lightly and the
cheese melts. It is eaten hot, with the hands. When I took
my first bite, the cheese stretched and stretched but refused
to separate from the slice. As it stretched, the cheese drooped
and dipped so that I had to hold the slice above my head as
I ate to prevent the cheese from falling all over the table
and myself. John found it very amusing, but I noticed he had
the same difficulty. When I suggested using a knife to cut
the cheese, he said it would be sacrilegious. I don not understand
what a deity has to do with it.
Mr. Garibaldi said much the same thing
when I suggested using a knife to cut it into smaller pieces
would make it easier to eat the noodle dish he once made for
me. He said spaghetti should never be cut. It would offend
the gods. I wonder why his people have such a horror of using
knives to cut their food. Still, he is a very good cook and
I look forward to his invitations.
I have not invited him to dinner yet. I
did invite John once to a ritual meal prepared by Lennier,
who, it will not surprise you to learn, is a very good cook.
Since Lennier became my aide, my meals are much improved.
Poor Dukhat! What he endured until I learned to cook properly,
I cannot begin to describe. How did the custom of cooking
for one's mentor begin in the first place?
Unfortunately, John had to leave right
after the meditation. It was not his fault he was called away
after only a few bites. Lennier should have been more charitable
in his remarks afterward. Although it was very funny when
John denied he fell asleep during the meditation. He made
this strange noise. It is called snoring, I think. I have
learned it is not nice to accuse someone of snoring.
I must close now. I know I have been remiss
in writing lately. I can only plead the excuse of much work,
which is really no excuse at all for neglecting a friend.
Forgive me and write soon.
IVN, Delenn
----------
28 December 2259
Entil'Zha,
You have read the reports. Those who were
not blinded by their own beliefs realize who rescued Sheridan.
How long before our enemies take notice of the human for whom
a Vorlon would take such a risk? If they have not already
done so. Kosh's interest in the Captain is obvious to anyone
who has spent any time on Babylon 5. Kosh never attended Council
meetings until Sheridan's arrival. The human's desire to learn
and Kosh's willingness to teach has caused comment before
now. Our enemies will want to learn what makes the human special
to the Vorlon. We are not ready for such scrutiny.
The ignorance of our enemies has been a
powerful ally until now. We must try to keep them ignorant
a while longer. We cannot prevent the Shadow agents from learning
what they can from public records. But we must prevent them
from learning what Kosh and I believe is Sheridan's role in
the prophecies; and that we plan an alliance of Minbari and
humans. I suggest you assign more Rangers to patrol of this
sector, to gather information and to provide an extra measure
of protection. We know of at least one enemy agent who regularly
visits the station. Mr. Garibaldi and I are doing everything
possible to discover if there are others.
The new ship is almost ready. I had planned
to observe the test flights due to start in a few days. I
dare not do so now in case our enemies take an interest in
me as a friend of Sheridan's. I am sending Lennier. I want
him to familiarize himself with the ship's operations, as
Sheridan will need a translator when he takes command. Lennier
is well suited to the task. If the tests go well, we are prepared
to start production of the first wave of ships immediately.
Such a massive building project cannot be kept a secret for
long. We should prepare for problems with warrior caste interference.
All our hopes will come to nothing if Sheridan
is destroyed. His safety must be our first priority.
Take care, Jeffrey.
In Valen's Name, Delenn
----------
31 December 2259
Mayan, old friend,
Am I so transparent or is it that you know
me too well? I cannot deceive you and it is time I stopped
trying to fool myself as well. You are right, as usual. I've
known for quite some time now, even though I've tried to ignore
it. I knew when I asked for permission to tend the Markab.
I caressed his cheek, knowing it might be my only chance to
touch him as I longed to do. I knew as he held me when I wept
for the dead afterward.
Even in the depths of my grief and pain,
when he put his arms around me, I felt I was home, I was where
I belonged. I knew when I placed my hand on his one day in
the gardens. I could hear my heart beating and feel my body
trembling. It is so obvious, I thought. Even he must notice.
If he had not been called away, I would probably have made
a fool of myself. I am sure you can see it in my eyes. There
are times when I dare not look at him for fear of revealing
it.
I might as well admit it. I am in love
with John Sheridan. There, I've said it aloud, finally. I,
Delenn of the Minbari, satai and priest, have fallen passionately
in love with Sheridan Starkiller, the most notorious of humans.
Absurd, isn't it? Then why does my heart ache so?
Mayan, I love him with all my soul. My
days are filled with thoughts of him and my nights with dreams
of his caresses. I wake quivering with desire for him. I did
not think I would ever love again. I never knew I could love
like this. I am incomplete without him. I do not understand;
I only know it is so.
I do not know what he feels for me. I do
not know if he loves me or even if he can love me. He is human,
I am Minbari. The differences are too great between our cultures.
We were enemies in the not so distant past.
Can he forget that? And if he can, if he does love me, is
our love even possible? Can we be lovers? Is a physical union
possible.
I think so. I have done some research.
My body is compatible with his, although there are still differences.
Will he want to make love to me? I could not bear it if he
did not. But I am putting the cart before the horse, as the
humans say. First, I should know how he feels.
He cares for me, of that I am sure; as
sure as one can be in these matters. Perhaps he more than
cares. Once or twice I have seen him look at me unawares.
The evening we had pizza, we walked in the gardens afterward.
I turned to say something and saw a tenderness and vulnerability
in his eyes. Or maybe I imagined it. I hope not. If only I
could be sure. If he were Minbari, there would be no problem,
of course. I could ask him in the prescribed manner. But humans
are not so direct. They do not have the rituals that make
such things easier. And there is no one I could, or would,
ask.
He was pleased I came to his quarters to
see how he was after the core shuttle explosion. After a while,
I realized there was a tension between us, as though he was
suddenly aware that I was female and he was male and the bedroom
was only a few feet away. I left a few minutes later. I think,
I hope, I pray that he is falling in love with me. I wish
I had your experience in this matters, Mayan. You always know.
I must stop now. John has invited me to
celebrate the arrival of the new year. We are going out to
dinner and then we will join Susan and Michael and a few others.
It will be interesting to see how humans greet the new year.
I do love him so....
IVN, Delenn
Go to Part 3
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