Thinking about going to pick you up from the airport tomorrow, I can’t get the memory out of my head of the time I picked you up as a surprise when you got back from Hawaii. Your plane was late, and I was worried that I had just missed you or that I didn’t have the right flight number or that something had happened. I remember groups of people coming off the planes down the stairs and I’d ask what flight they were on. Finally someone said your flight number and I looked and looked for you. You must have been one of the last to get off the plane because I had convinced myself that I had missed you and was about to leave when I finally saw you.
Something came over me, because it was never my intention to make a scene. I couldn’t stop myself from going to you, and it felt so good and happy and wonderful to be in your arms, to be pressed against you. I was filled with such joy that it took me a minute to come to my senses, and when I did I realized that I had screamed out your name and run halfway across baggage claim and everyone was staring at me. I felt naked and exposed, then. I felt as if all of those people were intruding on my private moment, as if they saw something they weren’t supposed to see about me, as if I had let my guard down. And I had.
Thinking back on it now, I realize that those people were envious, the way I am envious of that damn Diet Coke commercial where the two people mouth the words to the old movie, then dance in the isle while romantic music plays, and all of the women in the audience say “Awww…” That day at the airport, we had a Coke commercial moment, and that kind of romance is rare on our production budget. Those people were right to envy us.
Sometimes, especially during the times we are apart, I think we’re so unlucky. We’re cursed! to have found a love so enviable when we were so young (15 and 16?). Young people change, they make stupid decisions, they make stupid mistakes, they’re stubborn, and a whole host of other craziness. I think how terrible to have met when we’re both going through that. I wonder how we can stay together when we can hardly keep ourselves together.
But I only think that way for a little while. Young people are the way they are for a reason - it’s hard to figure out who you are, what you want, what you’re going to do with your life much less your Saturday nights. It is so hard, so hard, to get established, to get started and on your feet.
I’ve had a rough year. Josh and I almost moved to San Francisco before I came to my sense, I had a torrid and fruitless relationship with Todd (the closest to marriage I’ve ever been, I think), I had three jobs, became unemployed, went back to school after a 2 year hiatus, had a fire at my house, moved 4 ½ times, had 23 doctor’s appointments (and even kept 18 of them), had vertigo every day, and was forced by my sibling to sit through the Looney Toons movie.
I’ve been through some rough times. I changed, didn’t know what I wanted, didn’t know what to choose, what to do, who to be, and was around people going through the same thing, which didn’t help matters. I was young. I am young, and I’m still changing. Sometimes I can hardly remember to bathe and eat every day, much less do all of my girlfriendly duties.
It’s been rough on us and hard for us to be together through all of this, to have met so young. But the point is that I don’t think I would have gotten though it without you. We were together, we were apart, I saw other people, we couldn’t stand the sight of each other, we professed our undying love, we said the most hateful things, but whenever I needed you, you were there. When everything was going wrong in my life, all I wanted to do was to call you, even if it was the middle of the night. Either that or get drunk and write you love emails, some of which I was even drunk enough to send.
I don’t mean to say that the only times I thought about you or cared about you were the bad times, but I probably don’t even have to say that - you know what I’m getting at. You know me, sometimes even better than I know myself. That’s why I always come back to you, and always will. You are the only person that I trust enough to let inside, the only person that can open me up enough to find my true self and my true feelings, the only person that can make me let go and scream and run across the airport for the sheer joy of your presence.
I love you. We’ve been through hell - I put you through hell, you put me through hell! But I never, never would have made it without your kindness, your forgiveness, your understanding, your wisdom, and your love.
I enjoy life. But I’ve always enjoyed life, more importantly I am starting to enjoy my life. I am starting to enjoy who I am, to enjoy my body, and it’s because I enjoy who you are, who I am when I am with you, your body, and the way it feels inside me, beside me, wet in the dark in the shower, through your clothes when I’m hugging you at the airport and you’ve been gone for a week, when you hug me because I came into the kitchen from the living room and you haven’t seen me for five minutes.
I said to you on the phone this morning that “I take care of my damn self,” and I said it in a snotty way. Maybe I do take care of myself. Maybe. But I surely have a lot of help.
Thank you, *****. For the person I am today, and the person I will be tomorrow. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for lovemaking and microwave pizza making and showers and the waterbed, and waking up next to you on any bed. Thank you for Coke commercial moments - I know there will be many more. And thank you for always loving me.
I am so very happy that I get to close 2003 with you. I’ve got a feeling that 2004 is for me and you. Merry Christmas and I love you. I can see a better time when all our dreams come true.