4am
"Walked around my good intentions and found that there were none..."


I walked around the small house I shared with the others, looking at pictures of the four of us when we were younger, looking at pictures of us on tour, at home. I looked at pictures of mom, Josh and Sarah... then my gaze fell upon a early family portrait, one with him in it. It was an old picture... we looked pretty happy...

"I blame my father for the wasted years, we hardly talked..."



I hadn't talked to him in years... I sometimes wonder where he is, what he's done with his life. I wonder if he missed us, like we missed him. So many years went by without a father figure in my life... he left right when I needed him most. He left and hasn't done so much as call us ever since...


"I never thought I would forget this hate..."


I hate him... I really do. He left us and turned our lives upside down. When I should have been out being a normal teenager, I was out worrying about whether or not we had enough money for bills and food.I had nobody to show me how to be a man... I haven't learned since.He left me to become the weak being I am right now... but can I really hate him so much? There's times when I want nothing more then to see him smiling at me once again... for him to be my dad once more. But I know that will never happen...


"Then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong..."


What was that annoying noise coming from the kitchen? I listened for a few minutes, then I realized it was a cell phone, ringing. But it wasn't mine. I walked into the kitchen and saw it was Benji's and picked it up.


"Hello?" I said quietly.


"Joel? It's Benj.."


The way he said that... I could hear something in his voice that usually was never there... it was sadness.


"Benji? Are you okay?"


"Yeah, I'm fine Joel... mom called...I have to tell you something
..."


Mom? A wave of fear came over me and I could hardly stand
anymore.


"Is she okay?" I asked timidly.


"Mom's fine... it's... him..."


"Him?" I repeated dully.


"Yeah... dad."


Hearing Benji say dad was such a shock. He never reffered to him as dad.


"Ummm... what happened?" I asked, unconcerned.


"He's in the hospital... dieing." Benji said, barely audible. I could have sworn I heard him sniffling.


"Are you serious?" I whispered back, suddenly feeling like the ground below me had just fallen away.


"Why would I lie about this, Joel?!" screamed Benji.


I was taken back by his sudden loudness... and emotion. Since when had he cared about dad?


"I'm going to go see him..." Benji said suddenly, much more quietly this time.


"I'm not."


"That's your choice then, Joel. But you'll regret it one day." Benji muttered before hanging up the phone.


Will I really regret it?


"I walked around my room not thinking,just sinking in this box..."


Why had I come up here? Was it to escape the eyes of my family watching me from those portraits? No, I decided. It wasn't. I was going to sleep. But I tried that already, and I couldn't. I guess I felt a little guilty about not going to see him. After all,he is my dad. But why should I go see him? He hadn't been there for me when I needed him most. He disappeared from my life and hadn't made an attempt to reappear anytime afterwards...


"I blame myself for being too much like somebody else..."


I suddenly stopped pacing my room. I reminded myself of a younger version of Benji... after dad had just left us. He was the one who had first turned me against him. I had been the one moping around the house, crying like a school girl with a crush.He was the one who held it against dad, who would walk around angrily, complaining about every little thing that bothered him. I remember when Benji told me I should be more like him. So I had started to be like him. I stopped crying and I filled myself with hatred for him without really knowing why.

And it had stuck. I still hated him.


"I never thought I would just bend this way, but a phone call made me realize I'm wrong..."


But as I thought about that man I used to love dieing... I felt the hate suddenly disappear. I wanted to be there with him. I had to be there with him.


"If I don't make it known that I loved you all along, just like sunny days that, we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded..."


I hope I'm not too late... I want him to know that I've loved him the whole time. I want him to know I still love him, that I always will. I want him to know I've forgiven him.


I park outside the enterance to the hospital, not caring that I wasn't supposed to. I ran inside and up to the desk, patiently waiting to be told where to go.


"And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong..."


And now, as I stand here, staring at his door, I can hear the sobbing of my twin. And perhaps he was the only one in there. I also thought I heard a loud continuous beep, which couldn't be a good sign. Too shy to open the door, I faintly whispered Benji's name hoping he'd hear me and open up. He didn't. I took a deep breath and opened the door myself, startling Benji.


He looked up at me, his eyeliner smudged and running down his tear-stained face. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, his face swollen.


"Joel..." Benji whimpered.


I didn't say anything, I just looked over at my dad. I was too late, he had died. I felt tears spring to my eyes, knowing that he would never know how much I loved him...


"He... he was asking for you..." Benji whispered through his tears.


I turned to Benji, shocked."He did?"


Benji nodded. "He wanted to see you... to tell you he was sorry..."


I sat on the floor beside my brother's chair, and began to cry soundlessly. It had been that same reason I wanted to come and see him, to tell him that I was sorry, that we could be friends again. But I was too late.


As I stared at his dead body laying there, I felt Benji's hand on my shoulder, and I knew he was there for me, that he knew why I had come, that he had forgiven dad as well. I wish I had gotten here earlier... I knew I was going to regret this until the day I died.

[x] </body> </html>