The X-Men: War

Author:  Lady Rayne

  Deep in the bowls of the Xavier mansion, two characters were plotting. One Henry P McCoy and one Robert Drake were each at their mental drawing boards coming up with a way to oust eachother..without the other one knowing it. There was a full blown joke war going on, and the rest of the X-men were doing their best not to get caught in the crossfire. Already there had been pranks with image inducers, glue, food coloring, syrup, and Hank was still trying to get the bird seed, honey and peanut butter out of areas of his body that he'd rather not talk about. Hank had taken to his lab where mad scientist type mutterings, and an occasional maniacal laugh could be heard by anybody passing the door. Bobby pulled out his stock of practical joke books looking for a fresh idea, while Hank called on his vast knowledge of genetics, human physiology, chemicals, and America's funniest home video reruns. Nobody knew who the next target would be. What they did know was..by the way things were building up..it was going to be big and probably very messy.

Two days after the incidents with the glue, syrup and the birdseed... the preverbal foul matter hit the fan.

    * * *

It started with Bobby.

Young Drake, had come down from his morning shower to eat breakfast with the rest of them. Two seconds into the meal he was using his fork, Rogue's fork, and the spatula stolen from Jean's hand to frantically scratch at his back and any other body part he could reach. Two more seconds later he was running around the mansion half naked yelling, hopping, and dragging himself across rough surfaces like a dog butt surfing on the driveway. They all knew the culprit. The furry blue scientist was rolling on the ground laughing so hard they had to slap him on the back so he could breathe.
" He's a good break dancer aint he?" Rogue said, trying to suppress a giggle.

    * * *

That night Rogue went for her regular snack of Bluebunny M&M ice-cream just before she went to bed. What she found when she opened the container however was not ice-cream, it was a large cow tongue, and two eyeballs sitting
contentedly on the bottom, staring at her. The X-men shortly had another back door.

    * * *

By now the rest were used to the routine..so when Hank did not show up for breakfast they went looking for him. They found him in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with the lid down, trying to be at least slightly dignified. " Um. Hank..why are you just sitting there on the commode? Or do I want to know?" Scott asked, knowing he probably didn't want to know,but as the leader it was his job to ask. No matter how much he didn't want to know. " I am.... ahem.. shtuck..." he said the last part in a voice so low nobody could hear it.
" What was that old buddy?" Bobby asked sweetly.
" um.shtuck.." Hank muttered.
" What Hank?" Rogue asked.
" I am stuck to the toilet seat all right! I sat down for a second and I'm stuck!" Hank tried to lift himself off but almost pulled the whole thing out of the floor.
" So I guess you'll be wanting the Sunday paper huh?" Bobby asked.
Hank lunged but Bobby was out of arms reach and the scientist was yanked back to the seat.
" How about your latest issue of Lab Chicks unleashed?" Bobby giggled.
Hank yanked the toilet completely out of the floor, Bobby bolted down the hallway and Hank waddled after as fast as he could. " So you are the one who signed me up for that!! I spent two hours trying to explain that to the Professor!!! I am going to kill you Icebox!!"
The other X-men shook their heads and suppressed laughs.

    * * *

As the coup de grace Rogue decided to teach both Hank and Bobby a lesson for messing with her and her ice-cream.
When they were eating their lunch Rogue snuck into their rooms with and array of bottles and cans. One she poured half into Hank's shampoo bottle and one into his fur shampoo. Next she hit bobby's shampoo bottles and his liquid soap pouring the contents of another bottle, then took his hair spray and replaced it with something else she found at a joke shop.

The next morning it was like Bobby and Hank had switched places. Bobby, was harrier than Hank or Wolverine, and the color was not only blue..it was a rainbow of colors. He looked something like Cousin It, with rainbow hair. Hank was almost bald in various places. He was trying to hide it with his lab coat and a large brimmed floppy hat. Wolverine started to chuckle...and then it turned into a full blown laugh. Soon the others were chuckling as well. But not Rogue.
Because of course Hank and Bobby had retaliated right before breakfast and put glue on Rogue's chair again, also gluing her plate to the table and the silverware to her hands. As Rogue tried in vain to eat with the fork stuck firmly in the palm of her hand, and while Hank and Bobby tried to hide their respective hair problems. Rogue finally had enough.
She stood chair and all, and dumped her milk all over Bobby then poured a pitcher of orange juice all over Hank. "Ah thought yall knew beta then ta pull this crud on me!!" she waved her hands about angrily, nearly stabbing Gambit in the eye with the knife in her left hand.
" I did nothing to you save this morning. It was Bobby who put the cow in your ice-cream" Beast protested not even trying to wipe the orange juice off.
" Hey at least I didn't put syrup in your shampoo and ruin your hair."
" Ah like mah hair now Bobby.. messing with mah Ice-cream is tandem ta sacrilege. How's about ah give ya a free trip ta Tahiti?"
" Now you people" Scott started.
" Shutup Scott!" Bobby said. " He glued my eye to the microscope..he substituted itching powder for my baby powder..." Bobby continued pointing to Hank.
" People" Scott started again.
" Clam it momma's boy!" Rogue yelled. " You messed with may ice-cream.."
" Well you turned me into a bird feeder, he glued me to a toilet, and subscribed me to that horrid magazine!! I won't even mention the image inducer incident..nor the mowhawk." Hank howled. The orange juice had stained his lab coat, and was matting what was left of his fur. It was all he could do to not touch it, but moving would expose parts of him he'd rather now show while it was missing fur.
" Hey now.." Scott tried again.
" Cyclops be quiet!" Hank snapped. " It is war from here on out icebox!! I throw down the gauntlet. Your humiliation will know now bounds..you will be the laughing stock of this mansion..you.."
"ROGUE, HANK, BOBBY" Cyclops yelled.
They each turned to look at him.
" This has gone far enough. Before somebody ends up in medlab..you're all going to have monitor duty for a month."
Bobby looked, to Hank..hank looked to Bobby..they both looked to Rogue. All grinned evilly, and turned on Scott.
" What did I do?" Scott asked no one in particular...

He was encased from foot to neck in ice, peanut butter, birdseed, and syrup, sitting on the front lawn as a sculpted human birdbath. " Shoo..go away." He swiped his head at a bird, but the animal landed on his head and decided to sing a song, then it decided to empty it's bladder.

" Damn this is cold. Okay guys, you asked for it. This means war!"