The X-men: Valentines Day

Author:  Lady Rayne

It had been months since the pranks on Halloween and most of it had already been forgotten. Christmas had come and gone, amazingly without any pranks. Hank figured Bobby must have run out of pranks or something. He was glad for whatever it was. It gave him more time in his lab without worrying about beef bouillon in his showerhead, or having everything on his computer screen set on black. The attacks on his blue furred person were getting annoying, especially if they involved hair dye or Nair in his shampoo and him having to wear women's large brimmed hats everywhere. He'd almost made a villain wet his pants on a mission once. Sure the man was easy to apprehend, because he was laughing so hard he couldn't move, but Hank didn't find it quite so amusing. Besides women's large brimmed floppy hats just weren't his thing, they usually didn't match his fur.It was now Valentines Day morning and while everyone who had someone was exchanging flowers or chocolates, those who were alone in their lives sat around and looked grouchy. In addition to being grouchy they had decided to upgrade themselves to death threats on the persons of anyone who came in bubbling and happy about Valentines Day. They considered things bad enough. That particular group consisted of Wolverine, Beast, and Bobby. Rogue and Gambit, Jean and Scott, were off doing their Valentines Day things. The rest were elsewhere for various reasons they chose not to share. Hank had pretty much forgotten about pranks, he was too depressed. Bobby though, had decided to liven up everybody's mood and start the depressing holiday with a good old-fashioned prank. The poor unsuspecting scientist got up from the couch, and the all day romantic movie marathons that bombarded him from the TV, and shuffled to the kitchen for his morning cup of coffee. He didn't hear Bobby's snicker nor did he notice the glistening stuff on the rim of his coffee cup as he poured in the hot brew. He added some sugar and used a spoon to stir it a bit as he looked over the morning newspaper. He raised the coffee cup to his lips and
took a big drink.

In the living room a few seconds later Logan and Bobby heard "Yeahahahahahhaahahahaaaoowowoowowowowwccchhchchch!!!"
" What the heck!" Logan jumped up and ran to the kitchen with Bobby close behind him laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. They found Hank with his head stuck under the kitchen faucet, mouth open, with the cold water all the way on.
Bobby grasped the table for support and he laughed.
" What did you do Bobby?" Logan asked trying to be stern. He could barely keep a strait face though.
Bobby pointed to Hank's coffee cup lying on the kitchen floor and kept laughing. Hank kept gulping.
Logan picked up the coffee cup and sniffed the rim. He grimaced and held the cup away from him. "That's Gambit's super hot Cajun sauce"
"Indeed." Hank croaked, withdrawing his head from the faucet and turning off the cold water. He made a mad dash for the fridge, skidding on the tile surface of the kitchen floor as he did so. He grabbed the door of the fridge pulled himself up and practically yanked the door off it's hinges trying to get it open. He grabbed the milk carton, frantically fumbled with the lid and upended the entire carton into his mouth. As much milk got on his shirt as did in his mouth but he apparently didn't care. When the milk was gone, Hank tossed the milk carton to the floor and heaved a sigh.
" Thank heavens." he turned his glare to Bobby and tried to wipe the milk
out of the fur on his face. It didn't work all that well.
" I shall get you for this Robert. You want a Valentines Day war! You shall get one!" He declared.
Bobby grinned. " Bring it on blue boy."
" You shall see. I will preserve the dignity of my rank and position!" he thrust a clawed hand into the air. " Now if you'll both excuse me, I've got to go take a nice bubble bath. And you'd better not have stolen my rubber ducky this time Robert." He stalked out of the room with as much dignity as he could looking like he had a milk mustache all over his body. Logan looked to Bobby and finally couldn't hold it any longer. They both burst out laughing.

That night a form hurried across the lawn of the mansion. It ran to the front, where a large stock trailer was waiting. The figure led several other figures from the trailer, across the mansion's lawn and through the open front door of the mansion. The door closed behind the figure and nothing else moved.

Bobby was having good dreams. He'd finally gotten this really cute girl he'd wanted to date to meet him in a restaurant. She was gorgeous, she was intelligent, and she was funny. He ordered their food and scooted his chair closer to her.
" So, Lisa tell me something about yourself."
She looked at him demurely and said. "Moo"
Bobby was puzzled. " Did you just say moo?"
" Quaaaack" she said.
" Okay." Maybe she was being silly or playing hard to get. He reached his arm out to put it around her shoulders. They felt a little furrier than they looked. No matter. He pulled her closer and went in for a kiss. Her kiss was cold, slimy and wet and she said " Moo" again. Bobby opened his eyes to find himself in his bedroom, not a restaurant. He also found himself face to face with not Lisa...but a very large, and brown cow. A cow whom he was currently kissing on the lips. A duck on the other side of his bed looked at him and went. "Quaaaaaak" He looked to the cow. It regarded him lovingly. " Moooo" it said shyly.

The " Yeahahhahahahhaahoooooooooowoowowowow!!!" that echoed throughout the mansion was not a surprise this time. Logan, Gambit, Rogue, Jean, Scott, and Hank all made their way to Bobby's room where they found him up on his desk trying to get away from the cow. Apparently the animal was very fond of him now and kept trying to lick him.
" Cowww!! Duck... cooowww!!???? Brown cow??" Bobby screamed stuttering.
" How now brown cow Robert!!" Hank cackled laughing as hard as he could.
" What the heck!" Rogue exclaimed as she surveyed the four ducks and the cow occupying Bobby's room.
" Hank did you do this?" Scott asked in amazement. " How the heck did you get four ducks and a cow into the mansion?"
Hank smiled. " Trade secret fearless leader."
" What trade would dat be mon ami?" Gambit asked with a grin.
" If I told you I'd have to have you severely flogged with a wet noodle."
" Never mind, take the cow and the ducks back to wherever you got them Hank." Scott said trying to be stern.
" Why? I think Bobby and the cow have just gotten used to each other? Why ruin their budding relationship?" Hank asked snickering.
" Hankkkkkkk!!!" Bobby yelled trying to get away from the cow who was trying to get closer to him by climbing up on the desk.
" Gee Bobby I wonder why that cow is so fond of you." Logan asked with a grin.
" Don't ask!" Bobby exclaimed.
Logan looked to Jean. She was trying to hold in her laughter, her face was turning bright red and she had her hand over her mouth.
Rogue and Gambit burst out laughing. " Ah think Ah see!" Rogue exclaimed.
" Moooo?" The cow said.

" You kissed the cow on the lips?" Logan asked Bobby a bit later. He Rogue, Gambit, Jean and Scott were all standing around watching Bobby frantically brush his teeth. Hank was supposed to be returning the animals to wherever he got them.
" I don't wanna talk about it." Bobby said grouchily in between spitting toothpaste into his sink. He continued to frantically brush his teeth, putting more toothpaste on the brush and shoving it back into his mouth to scrub some more. He took a brake to use mouthwash every few seconds.
Hank looked into Bobby's bathroom and gave him a grin. " Um pardon me. I know I'm supposed to be returning the animals but I have a slight problem."
" What's that?" Scott asked.
"The cow wants Robert's phone number."
Bobby screamed around his mouth full of toothpaste and chased Hank down the halls brandishing his toothbrush.