The X-men: The Weekend War

Author:  Lady Rayne

It was another weekend at the mansion.
Nothing interesting had happened for almost two weeks, which was unusual for the time of year. Usually the psycho of the week or the normal "I want to rule the world and make everybody wear rubber chickens around their necks"  madmen were tearing up various parts of the city by lunchtime. This time it was calm and peaceful. No villains, no fights, just a chance to relax and do nothing, in other words "boring", in Bobby Drake's eyes. Not having learned the first billion times he decided it was joke time yet again, to liven up everybody's weekend. So from the enemy camp he enlisted the equally bored Gambit and they both set to work on their targets, Hank and Rogue.
Unbeknownst to them, Rogue and Hank had the same idea.

Rogue was craving a mid-afternoon snack, so she pulled her secret stash of Oreo cookies out of the walk in freezer. She set out her plate, put four cookies on it, poured herself a glass of milk and set down enjoy her cookies.

By this time the whole mansion was used to screams. Logan, Gambit, Hank, Bobby, Jean, Scott and Storm all filed into the kitchen to see Rogue drinking strait from the kitchen faucet and spitting the water back out trying to rinse her mouth.  "What happened this time Rogue." Scott said without much enthusiasm. His patience was running even thinner than usual, and at a new record. Usually it took a few months before Bobby drove Scott completely insane. This time it he was edging on a few weeks, and Scott was getting the urge to hold a certain prankster's head under the water of the swimming pool. Too bad he couldn't, not only would Professor X be mad at him, but then Scott would have to take Bobby's turn at the dishes. "The old toothpaste in the Oreo cookies routine." Logan said after sniffing the cookies on Rogue's plate. Everybody immediately turned to look at Bobby. "What?" He said backing up.
"Bobby..." Scott started.
At that second the doorbell rang. "I'll get it." Bobby said quickly and shot out of the room before anyone could get their hands around his neck.
Rogue barreled past Logan and Gambit and followed Bobby out of the room.
"Come back heah icebox!"
"Come on we must stop her before she damages any furniture." Hank said with a grin.
"You mean damages Bobby?" Scott asked.
"No the furniture. Bobby's head is too hard and there's nothing in it to damage." said Hank.

They heard Bobby yelling for help but they figured it was Rogue. When they got to the front door however they saw Bobby clinging to the doorframe and a very large, and mean looking army officer was trying to drag him down the  steps. "Come on boy you signed up, you gotta serve Uncle Sam like a good citizen."
"I don't want to!" Bobby yelled. "I didn't sign up for anything. Rogue, Hank, Logan help!"
Rogue was leaning against the door, trying to keep from laughing.
"We dealt with deserter pansies like you back in the war, you ain't getting away from me." The officer growled. " Now come on! I got a mud pit and a whole bunch of grenades with your name on um!"
"I'm afraid you've made a mistake Sir. Bobby hasn't signed up for anything." Scott said trying to keep a strait face himself.
"Yes he has son. I've got his signature right here on this form. He signed away his life for four years, along with his property, and rights to keep all of his body parts. Everything belongs to Uncle Sam now. If yer lucky, you'll even keep an arm. Don't worry It'll be good fer him. He'll come back a new man. Sure they usually come back with some sort of major disease, missing limbs or major brain damage but hey he'll be a better man for it." The officer shoved a form in Scott's face and continued to try to yank Bobby from the door. Bobby of course, was not letting go for anything.
"Noooo... I want to keep all my body parts!"
"He's already donated his brain to science. I have it down in a thimble in the lab," said Hank. "Don't you think that is enough?"
"Hank!" Scott said. He examined the form, "It does look like Bobby's signature." he mused. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hank trying to keep a strait face and it dawned on him. "Excuse us." he said to the army officer and then closed the door. "Scott!" Bobby yelled again.

"Hank." Scott said sternly after he closed the door. "What did you do?"
"Who me? I have done absolutely nothing." Hank said with a charming smile.
"Yeah he wuz with me all day." Rogue chimed in, winking at Hank.
"That doesn't help his alibi one bit." Scott said with a sigh.
He opened the door again. The officer had succeeded in getting Bobby off the doorframe only by taking the doorframe with him, now Bobby was hanging on hand railing and that wasn't going come loose without major equipment. For 
that matter, neither was Bobby.
" Excuse me officer. It looks like everything is in order, why don't you let us talk some sense into Bobby. We'll get him to pack his stuff and you can come back tomorrow to get him." Scott suggested.
The officer thought for a second and then nodded. "All right, but you better not be messing with me boy." he dropped Bobby. "I'll be back for you little worm!" he bellowed in Bobby's face and then turned to stomp off. Bobby sat up and rubbed his aching back. "I feel like Gumby, only I wasn't meant to stretch like that."
Scott turned to go inside. "Jean can you give him war flashbacks for a few days and can you find me a bottle of aspirin... please?"

That wasn't the end though, it was merely the beginning. Rogue went to her room to play some music only to find that all of her CD cases had been glued together, and she had cool aid in her bed; Bobby and Gambit found that all the furniture in their rooms had been re-arranged; Hank found someone had unplugged all of the electrical appliances and light bulbs in his room and lab and had then replaced his shampoo with Nair...again. 
Amidst the yells, the screams, the complaints and the fights that erupted the rest of the X-men pulled their pillows over their ears and tried to go back to sleep.
The next morning, Gambit and Bobby came down very bruised from falling over furniture. Rogue came down, with blue skin, and Hank was wearing a hat again. There were giggles all around the table as Rogue and Hank sat down.  "It ain't funny." Rogue growled. A few seconds later something cracked, and both Rogue and Hank were falling backwards as their chairs collapsed underneath them.
"Hahhaa! That'll teach you!" Bobby started, reaching to turn on the faucet for some water. A full spray of water hit him full in the face from the spray hose and he staggered backwards into the dinner table knocking it down and knocking food all over everybody.
"Bobby, Hank, Rogue, Gambit!" Scott threw his napkin down on the ground.
"What." Gambit said dusting runny egg off of his uniform.
"I have had about enough of this now. It's time to act like adults. And to that end I had decided to teach you all a lesson." he picked up a bowl full of Jell-O, took some in his hand and walked up to each of them. He slapped it in Bobby's face, Gambit's face, Rogue's hair and then dumped the rest on Hank.
"Now clean all of this up and go spend four hours each in the danger room"

Hank looked to Bobby, Bobby looked to Hank. Rogue and Gambit looked at one another, then at Bobby and Hank. Each picked up some food from the table. "You look like you aren't eating enough Scott. Let me help you with that." 
Hank shoved a bowl full of egg on top of Scott's head. Bobby dumped Jelly on top of that, Rogue followed with syrup, and Gambit topped it off with cornflakes.
Scott was still for a second then he dove for the gravy. He tossed it at Hank, but Hank ducked and it hit Storm in the face.The whole room went quiet. Storm quietly wiped the gravy from her face and calmly picked up a leftover 
pie. She walked up to Scott and shoved it into his face.
"Oooh." Hank grinned.
"Be quiet blue boy" Scott growled. He grabbed for the orange juice and tossed it at Hank again only to hit Jean and Logan. This time it didn't go quiet, it went dead. Jean and Logan slowly stood from the table and reached for more food.
" Food fight!' Jean yelled tossing more jell-O at Scott, it missed and hit Storm. Everybody began to throw at once. They were opening cans, and digging into the fridge to get ammo. At the height of the food throwing, Professor Xavier 
wheeled into the kitchen.
"What in the... SPLAT!"
One of the food missiles, namely a half frozen cheesecake thrown by Scott hit Xavier right in the face.
"Uh... oh..." said Hank.
"I second that notion." Scott said. "Run!"
By the time Xavier got the pie off of his face everybody was gone. He looked beside his chair to where the Officer was standing. and found nothing.. "I think I've got a few more recruits for you Major... Major?."
"Bomb raid, everybody scatter!" The officer bellowed hitting the floor and covering his head with his arms. Xavier put his hands on his face.

A few hours later, Scott, Jean, Ororo, Logan, Bobby, Hank, Rogue and Gambit were all on their hands and knees scrubbing every inch of the mansion, with the Major yelling at them every few seconds, in between ducking under tables and fighting imaginary soldiers.As Bobby, Rogue, Gambit and Hank were scrubbing the kitchen Gambit spied a 
plate of brownies on the counter no one had touched in the fight.
"Where did dose come from?" He asked.
"Don't touch um gambit." Rogue warned.
"What are you two doing talkin over here, I thought I told you scum to scrub that floor!" The major bellowed at them. He saw the brownies and an evil grin spread on his face. "Oh are you hungry Cajun. Well too bad!!" He grabbed one of the brownies and shoved it into his mouth.
"Ah wouldn't do that if ah wuz you!" Rogue warned.
"SHUT UP, Skunk head and get back to work!" The Major bellowed. He continued to shove the brownies in his face.
"What is in those brownies Rogue?" Hank asked quietly.
"They wuz a trick fer Bobby and Remy. Ah put a ton o' laxative in um." Rogue giggled.
"Ahhhhhhh..." Hank said. "I see."
They watched as the officer suddenly stopped mid-brownie. His stomach made a loud noise and he grabbed it. He dropped the brownie and ran strait for the door.
"Maybe he loosen up now eh?" Gambit grinned.
"He's gonna be loose fer a long time." Rogue laughed. "Bombs away."