The X-men: Vacation Time

Author:  Lady Rayne

"What do you mean she quit? I just talked to her a few days ago"
Cyclops, Logan and Bobby watched Hank fume, spit and growl at the phone as the woman on the other end gave him the bad news.
"Look she took my ticket information, got me a flight and reserved it...surely it must be on her computer." He gestured emphatically. When they answered he nearly dropped the phone. "Blew up? How can a computer blow up?"
Bobby began to snicker. "Hasn't had much experience with travel agencies has he?" He said to Scott.
Scott shook his head." He's about to get it."
Hank ran a hand down his face. "Look I don't want to know how the electric eel and the circus clown had anything to do with it. Just find my tickets or you shall loose a very large sum of money and a future customer. Fine call me back in thirty minutes." he slammed the phone down and almost fell into the chair beside Bobby. "Stars and Garters." he sighed.
"Electric eel? Circus clown? What does that have to do with why your travel agent quit?" Scott asked incredulously.
"I didn't ask and I don't want to know. I'm assuming the lady in question didn't have very good taste in men nor did he in pets." Hank said with a frown on his furry blue face.
Bobby began to laugh.
"They never call you back in thirty minutes. I ended up waitin an hour once. I finally decided it needed a personal touch, so I paid them a visit. After I explained things ta them, they got me the tickets in about ten seconds. I timed it." Wolverine grinned.
"Well I doubt the personal touch would do much good here Logan, apparently in addition to the electric eel and the circus clown they've had problems with a mime toting an imaginary Automatic Rifle, and a little taco bell Chihuahua who wants to fly to Mexico for his brother's wedding, but won't pay in anything other than tacos or dog biscuits."
Bobby stopped laughing, and he, Logan and Scott turned to look at Hank in amazement. "Hank you have the strangest things happen to you." Scott said.
"No really? Do you think so Scott?" Hank said sarcastically. "I'm beginning to think that the person, who writes my life is either not playing with a full deck, has more personalities than they can keep track of, or they just really has a sadistic streak and likes to get laughs at my expense."
"You're paranoid Hank. Nobody is writing your life." Logan sniffed.
"Then how do you explain an electric eel, a clown, a mime, and a Chihuahua all when I need my tickets for my first vacation in about three thousand years."
" Ummm very amazing, once in a life time, never happen again coincidence?" Bobby ventured.
Hank just glared at him. He looked at his watch and sighed. " You are correct Logan. It has been thirty minutes. I shall call back myself."
He got up and dialed the number.
As he did that Rogue and Gambit came in the living room.
" Closed!? Now!!!?" Hank shrieked into the earpiece. " You were open thirty minutes ago!"
" What's up fellas?" Rogue asked raising an eyebrow at Hank on the phone.
" Hank's trying to get tickets for his vacation to Paris but the travel people aren't being very cooperative." Scott explained.
" That's the understatement of the century." Bobby grinned.
" Well I didn't want to go into the mime, the clown, the electric eel and the Chihuahua right now." Scott shrugged.
" Mime?" Gambit asked incredulously.
" Electric Eel?" Rogue said in the same tone.
Hank slammed down the phone and came back. " You might as well explain it Scott. The whole mansion will probably hear about it anyway."
" Please do, ah'm dyin ta hear this." Rogue laughed.
" Well as we all know Hank wants to go to Paris. He had some tickets reserved with this travel agency and today he called them to see when he could come in and pay. Apparently though his travel lady quit, her computer has been blown up and they are now closed. Somewhere in between all of that comes a clown with an electric eel, a Taco Bell Chihuahua wanting to go to his brother's wedding, and a mime toting an imaginary automatic weapon."
Gambit and Rogue looked at each other, blinked and began to laugh.
Bobby joined in, then Logan, and when Scott realized how funny it was he joined in as well. Hank sighed again.

The next day Hank found the same bunch in the living room watching TV. He touched Rogue on the shoulder. " Rogue perhaps I could secure a lift down to the travel agency in your car? My vehicle is currently on the blitz. Again."
" Any more Furby dreams Hank?" Logan grinned.
Hank made a face. " Not so far. Anyhow, will you take me Rogue. I fear the mime and the rest may still be there, but I believe I can deal with such craziness."
" Sure Hank." Rogue laughed.
Logan, Scott, Bobby and Gambit stood. " We're coming too Hank." Bobby said.
" Yeah. Wouldn't miss dis for de world." Gambit laughed.

It looked like a three ring circus had taken up residence in the neighborhood.
As the X-men were stepping from their vehicles, an impossibly tiny clown car pulled into the driveway and about ten clowns squeezed themselves out of it, leaving about ten more to continue their way to wherever it is they were going.
The deposited clowns trotted past the X-men, around them in a circle a couple of times and then they headed to the back.
Loud circus music came from the inside. The door was open and balloons were fighting their way out. They heard a donkey, an elephant and a tiger off somewhere behind the store.
A mime doing a mission impossible imitation came from behind a car, saw the X-Men and drew an invisible automatic rifle from somewhere in his pants. He trained his imaginary gun on them and with an expression of concentration on his face carefully loaded it and then he began to shoot at them. The X-Men did their best to avoid such an obviously cuookoo character, but he kept following them his gun trained on them and still shooting. This continued for about five minutes as they collectively walked towards the store. The mime followed them and kept shooting.
Logan was just waiting, as the mime got closer his claws slid out and he waved them.
" Yer gettin on my nerves bub. Now scram before I cut of something important."
The mime dropped his imaginary gun and ran. Not far away he hit an imaginary wall and was knocked cold.
" Okay who brought the circus." Scott commented with a raised eyebrow.
" I do not know and I do not care." Hank stomped into the store only to almost trip over a Chihuahua in the floor. The dog looked up at him and blinked. " Do you eat Taco Bell?" He asked.
" No I do not." Hank said angrily.
" Then wait in line blue butt." The dog said and turned away. Hank tried to move past the dog but it growled and tried to bite him.
Logan shoved Hank aside and slammed his claws in to the floor inches from the dog's tail, he grinned at it evily.           "Heerreee doggie, doggie, doggie" Slowly it's little beady eyes widened, it yelped and ran out the door. " Help me..Help me!!"
Hank stubbornly moved forward to a desk with a tired looking secretary behind it. " Excuse me" he said.
"Sorry Mr. McCoy but we can't find the tickets. We'll have to book you another flight at a later date or you can pay more for a seat on another airline." She said without looking up.
" I don't want a later date." Hank said crossing his arms. " And my original ticket was almost a thousand dollars. How much higher can it get!?"
She looked up at him over her glasses. " Would you like me to answer that truthfully?"
"Look I'm not even flying first class!" Hank wailed.
"Lucky for you." she said.
"Excuse me, what's with the circus?" Scott interrupted.
"Circus? What Circus?" She asked in puzzlement.
"What you don't hear the music, you don't see the clowns, the monkeys, the ducks, that little Chihuahua over there?" Hank asked incredulously.
She looked at him like he was nuts.
" Oh never mind." Hank sighed.
" I may be able to get you some seats on the same flight at the same time, let me call some people Mr. McCoy. Can you come back next week or maybe call?" she asked. " Next Week!" Hank almost yelled.
She looked at him over her glasses again. " It's either that or we'll have to try to get you something next month. As soon as we re-open for the holidays, the repair days and the coffee break days."
" Repair days? Coffee break days? What in blazes are you talking about? My vacation time is over next month!!"
She looked in her calendar book "We believe in honesty in our holiday naming policies. Be thankful we didn't vote for the other ten holidays. So I can reserve you a ticket next year then. Where did you want to go? New York?"
" THIS IS NEW YORK!! I LIVE HERE!!!" Hank shrieked.
" This is New York?" she said in a surprised tone. " Really? Well why did you want to fly to New York if you live there?"

It took all of the X-Men present to drag Hank out of the store before he did something painful to the secretary. His shrieks of outrage could still be heard halfway across the city.
" Let me GO!"
" Sorry Hank, not until you put murder firmly out of your range of options for dealing with this situation." Scott said sternly.
" Murder never entered my mind Scott" Hank said once they had gotten him out of the door and into the parking lot. He shook off their hands and straitened his fur and clothing.
" Good..because as frustrating as this is..." Scott started.
" There are other things much more enjoyable and not half as incriminating... take pain for instance.. pain is on the top of my list of options and I shall start at the top of that list and start giving it out in basketfuls right now!" He stalked back towards the store.
" Ah no ya don't" Rogue grabbed his arm and held him firmly in place.
" Noo, Rogue. Let go! I must hurt them." Hank wailed clutching a car fender.
" You ain't gonna hurt anybody or anything but yer own butt. Let go or ah'll have ta strain something for ya?" Rogue said sternly.
After a few minutes of Rogue pulling and Hank hanging on, the car fender came off.
His anger having run down a bit, Hank got to his feet, looked at it, and burst into tears of frustration. "Oh why me" he sobbed. "I just want to go to Paris!"
Rogue watched in amazement as he sobbed. Unsure of how to react to this, she patted him awkwardly on the back while giving the others a puzzle look.
" What about another travel agency?" Bobby asked trying to be helpful.
" This was my third try, the others are already closed on some sort of strike!" Hank said between sobs.
" Why don't we take you with the Blackbird Hank. That way you won't have to spend your money." Scott suggested.
"Because" sniffed Hank. " Professor-X already has the Blackbird."
" What? When did he leave? Where did he go?" Scott asked in surprise.
" He and Jean took the students on a field trip to Hawaii yesterday." Beast retorted calming down.
" And nobody told me!?" Scott's voice got shrill.
" Jean did tell ya day before yesterday ya dummy." Rogue sighed shaking her head. " But ya had yer head so stuck up in the Super Bowling playoffs that ya didn't hear a thing she said. She left ya a note too, what didja do with it?"
"Note, what note! I never got a note!"
Hank sat on the car with a weary look on his face and shrugged his shoulders. "The note, dear fearless leader…was that piece of paper I found this morning that you had dumped your coffee all over, couldn't read anything of what it said, tried to dry out in the microwave, and set on fire causing us to get out the fire extinguishers."
" Well when I asked what it said why didn't you tell me!!!" Scott was almost hyperventilating.
" I assumed you were listening when Jean told you day before yesterday." Hank shrugged.
Scott stood, flabbergasted, with his mouth flopping open making incoherent noises.
" Bu…wa…bla…ge.."
" Look it's not my fault you didn't listen to what she told you." Hank shrugged.
" Yaaarrrrghhh!!!" yelled Scott going for Hank's neck.
The mime appeared behind them dancing in a ballerina outfit. He whirled past them, noticed them; came back, danced a few moves from Swan Lake, smacked each soundly on the head with a dead fish, and bounced off the scene shouting       "Who ho, who ho, who ho!!" like an early version Daffy Duck on an extreme caffeine high.
The X-Men looked at one another and made a mad dash for their vehicles, making loud noises and marks on the pavement in their efforts to get out of the place in a big hurry.

The next day Hank decided to go through the airline to try and get his tickets rather than deal with travel agents that seemed to have it in for him. He got to the phone just as Scott did and they regarded each other like western gunfighters in a duel.
" I am calling American Airlines for my tickets to Paris." Hank said
" I'm calling Hawaii and talking to Jean" Scott said back.
" No I'm calling American Airlines!" Hank raised a rolled up and extremely worn phone book in a threatening manner.
" No I'm calling Hawaii!" Scott yelled back brandishing a rolled up piece of paper he'd printed from the internet.
"I've not had a vacation since Apocalypse was a normal sane person, I am calling American Airlines."
" Yeah well my wife went to Hawaii without even asking me to go! I'm calling Hawaii."
"You should have listened to her talking to you instead of watching your looser bowling team on the television, genius!" Hank shrieked.
" You should have gotten your tickets before the vacation rush stupid!!"
" I was too busy protecting your portly backside against the ferocious killer bunny rabbits we fought last month!"
" Portly backside…why you!!! Those were large mutated rabbits made by Sinister to destroy all the vegetation in the city! I saved central park! At least I'm not the one who climbs bookshelves at the mention of a cute little child's toy."
" First off: Furbies are not a cute child's toy! Second: You saved the park from killer bunnies only to destroy half of it by setting it on fire with an optic blast! And third: Look who's scared of cleaning out the fridge Mr. Super warrior."
" Well after your kind of cooking even Captain America would be afraid of cleaning out the fridge!"
" Are you making fun of my potato, bacon, ham, cheese and gummy bear casserole!!"
"No dear me… how would I dare make fun of such a gourmet dish that includes gummy bears!"
" What the heck is goin on heah!!!" Screamed Rogue over the noise of their yelling.
Nose to nose, eye to eye, ready to do serious damage to each other; Hank and Scott turned to look at Rogue and Gambit dressed in nice clothing, obviously ready to go out on a date. They were looking at Hank and Scott with puzzled faces.
" I'm calling American Airlines!!" Hank shrieked
" I'm calling Hawaii to talk to Jean!!" Shrieked Scott.
The looked back at each other and yelled in unison.
" No you're not I am!!"
" Guys!" Rogue yelled again
" Why I outta!"
" Bring it on one eye!"
" I'll turn you into a hairless monkey!"
" That will be hard to with both eyes knocked shut!"
" GUYS" Tried Rogue again.
" I'd like to see you try Furby chicken!"
" How'd you like a bed full of tarantulas!"
" GUYYYSS!!" shrieked Rogue.
They finally turned to her.
"WHAT!!" They yelled.
" Dere's another phone in de professor's study." Gambit said motioning behind him with a thumb.
Scott's jaw dropped open.
Hank's eyes got as wide as dinner plates.
" Ah bet if we split half o' those brains ya got between ya, and gave um to a needin creature… ya couldn't make a Chihuahua do anythin other than drool." Rogue sighed.
Hank stuck out his tongue, gave her a mean look, and sulked off to the Proff's study.
Scott mimicked what Rogue said in an Ace Ventura like tone, stuck out his tongue as well and turned to the telephone.
" An dese were de first X-Men?" Gambit asked as they left.
" Cain't tell it can ya?" Rogue sighed.

Of course something as simple as calling Hawaii, or calling American Airlines for tickets can never be as simple as it sounds.
Scott dialed the number for the Hotel he got from Rogue and then looked up on the internet. He listened to it ring about ten times and then someone picked up. " Cheerys whale cleaning service how may I help you?"
"Whale cleaning service? I called the number for the Rumba Bumba Boom Boom Beachside hotel in Hawaii." Scott said in puzzlement.
"Sorry sir I think you have the wrong number, we are not a hotel. And certainly not one with such a stupid name as Rumba Bumba Boom Boom."
" And you don't consider a whale cleaning service just slightly stupid?" Scott retorted, slightly irritated.
" I beg your pardon, we offer a valuable service that many home whale owners don't hesitate to take advantage of." Said the woman in an insulted tone.
" Whale cleaning?!"
" It's a quite lucrative new field I assure you, now have a nice day sir. And if you ever need your whale cleaned please don't hesitate to look somewhere else." She hung up the phone.
Scott glared at the phone in his hand. In the background he heard Hank shriek.
" Potluck pool party!! On a plane!! But I don't have scuba gear, I want to go to Paris!"
Scott let out a sigh and dialed the number again hoping he'd misdialed the first time.
It rang again for about ten rings and then a voice said. " Welcome to the 24 hour Happy Dinosaur Dental-Floss Hotline. Our offices are only open from 12:30 until 2:00 on whatever days we feel like it. If you cannot open your new package of Happy Dinosaur Dental Floss, and need advice on how to safely do so without loosing any major limbs or vital organs then please press 1. If you can't find your Dinosaur then press 2 and we will connect you with the National Missing Dinosaur hotline. If you don't know how to floss your Happy Dinosaur press 3 and we'll connect you with our 24 hour helpline. And press 4 if you've finished flossing your Happy Dinosaur and we'll connect you with the nearest available Hospital. Thank you. Have a nice day."
Scott stared dumbly at the phone again and put it back into the receiver when they began to play songs from " Roseanne's greatest hits."
He scratched his head, stared at the number…and out of morbid curiosity dialed again. After 20 rings this time the phone picked up with a cheerful Australian voice saying " G'day Mick's Koala, Croc, and Kangaroo dating service…." Scott dropped the phone like it was on fire and shoved it back into it's place. He wadded up the number and threw it into the trash can with a sigh.
He heard Hank still shrieking so he made his way into the Proff's study where found Hank perched on the desk like a Gargoyle, yelling into the phone.
" I just called American Airlines and they had the same thing, what is this spreadable insanity that's going around!! I don't want a potluck pool party! Look I don't care if it goes to Hawaii! I want to go to Paris."
He slammed down the phone and gave Scott a glare.
" Did you get anything." He asked grudgingly flopping back into the Proff's chair.
" A whale cleaning service, a 1 and half hour Dinosaur flossing service and Mick's Koala, Croc, and Kangaroo dating service."
" A whale cleaning service? Well that's certainly more lively than my choices. All the airlines seem to offering only a Potluck Pool Party and I am required to bring a food item, swim trunks, and scuba gear. I don't even own scuba gear! Their only stops include Hawaii, and every beach party spot that exists on the planet."
The words Hawaii made their way into Scott's frustrated brain. " Hank wait. Why don't we go to Hawaii"
" Why? I wanted to go see Paris!" Hank wailed for the twentieth time.
" You can go see Paris next year. Think of it no dirty cities, homicidal drivers, exhaust smog, rude people…just fun in the sand, in the sun, drinks with umbrellas, swimming…relaxing." Scott said putting an arm around Hank's shoulder and waving a hand in the air, speaking in a hypnotizing tone. Hank listened and sighed.
" I suppose I will never get to Paris this year; and even though I am well aware your only reason for wanting to go on this trip is because you didn't listen to your wife when she told you she was going on a Vacation and you want to follow her there; I believe Hawaii will be more relaxing for me than Paris."
" So call them back and order two tickets. We'll go get scuba gear, you can kill everybody with your potato, bacon, ham, cheese and gummy bear casserole, and we'll have the whole plane to ourselves."
" Including, it seems the on board swimming pool…" Hank agreed before realizing completely what Scott had said. " Wait a minute!" he growled.
But Scott was already out of the door. " I'll go get the scuba gear."

A week, additions of four other X-men, and a lot of scuba gear later they were getting on their way to Hawaii, food items in hand. Hank took his seat beside Rogue and Gambit; with Bobby and Logan and Scott in the seats behind them; hoping against his better judgement that it would be a nice normal flight. Unfortunatly, the insanity began anew, as weirdoes of every size and description began to get onto the plane. When the man with the duck on his head closed the door to the plane, motioned to a Chihuahua to turn on the music, and a person very much resembling Jim Carrey rolled out the buffet and started doing impressions with foodstuffs… Hank fainted right into his casserole.

They arrived in Hawaii wet, tired, covered in food and half insane.
"Toldja ta leave the duck man alone kid." Logan said giving Bobby a push.
"How was I supposed to know he and his duck were going to start a food fight?" Bobby said sulkily.
"Now you two…what Hank!" Scott started, then stopped as Hank yanked on his arm and pointed to the sky.
They had arrived just to see the blackbird taking off in the distance; presumably on its way back to the mansion or another vacation spot. Hank, Scott and the others stared dumbly at the retreating Blackbird and turned to one another.
"Okay, no big deal. We'll just have a nice, relaxing time and then take a plane back home." Scott said trying to stay calm.
Everyone nodded and they made their way to a hotel, checked in and found a nice spot on the beach. Hank, who had looked like he was going to loose it any minute, seemed to relax a bit. Then out of nowhere the mime appeared. He was dressed in a red Hawaiian shirt and a pink skirt with red pumps. He sprinted up to the group danced around them a few times, kissing each one of them Bugs Bunny style smack on the lips. He then bounced off the scene again shouting "Who ho, who ho, who ho!!"
Hank who was relaxing on the sand reading a book, began to laugh hysterically and ran screaming down the beach flinging towels, paper, and other items everywhere. "Mimes, Mimes..ahh!!"
" No more vacations, kay?" Logan growled at everyone. "It's effectin Hank's sanity"
The other X-Men nodded collectively and followed after him.
The mime bounced around in the background hooting and then away after the retreating X-Men.