Ellenor "Wouldn't want to be Judge Hiller"

Lindsay "I think Helen did pretty well."

Bobby "Given her hand. I've seen you better."

Lindsay "I'm sorry"

Bobby "You hit all the marks. You certainly weren't bad but I've seen you better."

Lindsay "Are you accusing me of something?"

Bobby "No."

Lindsay "Let's see you defend that guy better Bobby."

Bobby "I wasn't criticizing"

Lindsay "Yes you are and I don't like it."



I don't like it because I know it's true.

I didn't fight for this client. I just couldn't. I went through the motions. As you said "I hit all the marks" but that was all.

And I don't like it because once again I've been weak.

I was ordered onto this case and I know I had a job to do but … I couldn't do it. Not this time.

I want to lose. I really do!

And I want to fight. I want to scream and shout and let out all of my frustrations … but we aren't alone. And I can't let anyone else see my weakness. So I just stand here as my anger builds and the tension between us becomes unbearable.

It envelopes me, smothers me and suddenly all I want to do is fling myself into your arms and have you comfort me as only you can.

But I can't. I'm too ashamed. I don't deserve it. I'm weak. I let personal feelings affect the way I did my job.

And worst of all you know I did. You can't even look at me. I need you to look at me. I need you to forgive me. I know in a perverse sort of way I've let you down and I'm so sorry.

But I can't be like you Bobby. I can't distance myself from these creeps. I just couldn't stay emotionally neutral this time. Kingston got to me.

And the things Helen said last night got to me. They hurt! They hurt because they were true and they were my own thoughts. I too am repulsed by what I do for a living sometimes. I don't think I can do this for much longer. It's too hard!

And I keep thinking, "What am I doing with my life? Why am I living like this? How did I get here?" The only answer I can come up with is you. You Bobby! Everything I do is for you. You are my life.

I used to pride myself on being strong and independent but … I'm neither of these things. Without you I'm nothing.

I thought I wanted to be a criminal defense attorney. I remember all the noble ideals I had in law school. And then I met you and your passion just kind of swept me up … in more ways than one … but I digress. I started seeing everything through your eyes and at first it was wonderful, intoxicating. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. You inspired me so much.

But ... then I became more experienced and you trusted me to handle cases on my own. I became a lawyer in my own right and I realized something I should have realized long ago. In truth I guess I always did know it but it didn't suit my idealized world to acknowledge it. But … being confronted with it everyday is a good way of forcing the truth onto you … and the truth is criminals are scum and I hate them!

I know I know we do the job for that innocent who sneaks up on us every now and then but it just seems sometimes that the innocents are too few and far between.

Strong and independent. What a joke! If I am so strong why do I allow you to protect me. If I was strong I would still be doing drug cases for the good of the firm. I would never have broken down and begged you to let me stop.

I guess when I told you couldn't do it anymore I really didn't expect you to agree. I thought you would talk me around as you had so often in the past. But you didn't. You should have. Had it been Eugene or Ellenor or Jimmy you would have.

You surprised me with that one Bobby and in that split second I knew for sure I loved you and you would be the only man I would ever love.

Would it have been better if I told you that then Bobby? … I don't know. I honestly think I did the right thing not telling you. Once you and Helen had started something it was better to let it play out. I guess I was afraid that you would always wonder about her. You might see her as the one that got away. At least now you know it would never work out between you. I must admit I was terrified it would work. Don't get me wrong I wanted you both to be happy but … I couldn't have lived with it.

I told Helen I would leave so things wouldn't get messy between us if she really wanted you. Actually I've threatened to leave a few times but the truth is I can't.

Strong and independent! Yeah right! I can't leave because I can't stand the idea of life without you in it. That is why I am still a criminal defense attorney. Because you are! And I know you protect me as much as you can. You let me move out of criminal work as much as possible. You assign cases to the others that really should go to me and if I was truly strong and independent I would rebel against this. I'd tell you I could fight my own battles, I'm a big girl who can look after herself. I'd rant and rave like I do when I get mad but … in truth when the going gets tough I turn to you and not myself. You've been there for me so many times. You're my strength. You let me fight and fight because you know, in the end, I'll turn back to you. I can't do it alone. I need you Bobby!

You've always supported me Bobby. I know you're proud of me. I know you love me. Can you forgive me? I couldn't fight for this guy Bobby. Please forgive me this! I couldn't do it. And I couldn't forgive myself if I did fight for this guy. Just as Helen said "This is personal." I too want my work to count for something. Getting this sick bastard released on a technicality what does that count for? No there has to be more than this.

God I want to lose. Can you forgive me for this Bobby?

*~*~*~*

Ellenor "Wouldn't want to be Judge Hiller"

Lindsay "I think Helen did pretty well."

Bobby "Given her hand. I've seen you better."

Lindsay "I'm sorry"

Bobby "You hit all the marks. You certainly weren't bad but I've seen you better."

Lindsay "Are you accusing me of something?"

Bobby "No."

Lindsay "Let's see you defend that guy better Bobby."

Bobby "I wasn't criticizing"

Lindsay "Yes you are and I don't like it."

Why did I say that? …. I don't know. Sometimes I can be a self-righteous bastard but I didn't mean to lash out at Lindsay. I didn't mean to hurt Lindsay. And she is hurting. I can see that.

I wasn't criticizing.

That's not true I was but … really I was just lashing out. God I hate myself sometimes.

Talk about a no win situation. If we lose here we're stuck with this guy. We'll have to take it to trial. We'll spend the next six months dedicated to this creep.

I guess that's why I lashed out at her.

The idea of dedicating myself to this guy. I don't want to do that. But what's the alternative. We win today and he's out of our lives. He's free but we won't be. In reality we'll be just waiting to hear he's killed again. I saw the photos. I saw what he did to that woman. There is no way this guy is not going to kill again. And if we get him off we are going to feel responsible for his next victim. Hell we will be responsible! I don't want more blood on my hands. I'm lashing out at Lindsay because she's the one who got us into this mess.

It's cruel, it's selfish, it's unfair. God I hate myself sometimes.

We are going to win this no matter what. Helen never stood a chance and I hate that we are going to win. I shouldn't be punishing Lindsay though. She may not have given a passionate defense but under the circumstances who could have and like I said "she hit all the marks". She's right I couldn't have done it any better. Legally and ethically she's done her job. Morally … well even I can't see how we can morally defend this guy. I couldn't even stomach being in the same room with him. I saw those photos. I keep seeing those photos. I couldn't actually talk to this guy. Lindsay has. That in itself is punishment so why am I hurting her more?

God she looks so sad and angry. I'd take her in my arms right now and beg her forgiveness if we were alone but we're not. Boy would I be in trouble if I made a move now. I know she needs to cry this one out and I know that she will hate herself for crying afterwards. She would never forgive me if I made her cry in front of Ellenor or anyone for that matter.

She is so afraid of appearing weak. It's silly because she is the strongest person I've ever known. She is stronger than me. She's not afraid to question her life. Me I hide behind the barriers I built long ago. I store up all the anger and hatred and abuse I've encountered along the way and I certainly don't question why I'm still here doing this.

At least I never did until Lindsay. Now I realize things will have to change. I have to change. If I don't I might lose her. I couldn't cope with that.

I need her. I need her strength. I would be nothing without her. From the first day I met her she's been pulling me kicking and screaming up out of the rut I was in. Helping make me the man I wanted to be. I was stagnant before she came along. Look what she has done for me! Just look at the office. She's taken a god-awful rat infested dump and made it into something I'm proud of. I never could have done that! Not without her. And I know, personally, she's improving me too. If she does half as good a job on me as she's done on the office … lets just say that's what I'm hoping for. Maybe then I will deserve her.

I love her so much. God I hope she can forgive me. I really didn't mean to hurt her. I'm so sorry Lindsay. I wish you would look at me. I'm so sorry!

*~*~*~*

Ellenor "Wouldn't want to be Judge Hiller"

Lindsay "I think Helen did pretty well."

Bobby "Given her hand. I've seen you better."

Lindsay "I'm sorry"

Bobby "You hit all the marks. You certainly weren't bad but I've seen you better."

Lindsay "Are you accusing me of something?"

Bobby "No."

Lindsay "Let's see you defend that guy better Bobby."

Bobby "I wasn't criticizing"

Lindsay "Yes you are and I don't like it."



Unbelievable. These two are unbelievable. If I wasn't here they would be tearing one another apart by now. I don't think I've ever felt so much tension in the one room. Not even when Lindsay and I were screaming at one another was there this much tension.

I can't believe Bobby just said that to her.

And I can't believe Lindsay just took it. I've seen her temper first hand I can't believe she's letting him get away with that comment.

Well this is certainly going to be fun sitting waiting here. I hope Hiller comes back with her ruling soon. Not that that’s likely. I mean I wouldn't be in any hurry if I was her. I wouldn't want to have to come into court and announce I'm letting that creep go. And that's what she's going to have to do because it doesn't matter how good Helen was she doesn't have a case.

Maybe I should just go and let these two lose on each other. I bet if I did I'd be able to hear them screaming at each other from the other side of the courthouse. Either that or they'll make up and the clerk will come in and find them having sex on the table.

Either way I think I had better stay around if only to make sure they behave in a professional manner.

God I hope Hiller comes back soon.