Author's note: This is set after the episode "End Game". I almost cried when Lindsay opened the door and Ellenor was standing there and not Bobby so I had to do something about it. I needed a resolution so I wrote one. So needless to say if you don't like Bobby and Lindsay stop right now. There is nothing for you here.
Summary: Lindsay deals with her jealousy and insecurity
Feedback: If you're kind I won't mind
Disclaimer: Nope not mine but I wish they were.
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Dialogue snippets from "End Game"
Lucy "Bobby you have that lawyer coming in on Kittleson."
Lindsay "What!"
Bobby "Yeah she hired us. She's being sued."
Lindsay "And you took the case!"
Bobby "Lindsay nevermind"
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Bobby "Lindsay it's a good case to take. When a judge hires you that's a nice feather."
Lindsay "It's under seal Bobby. There's no marquee value in this case. There was no reason to take it. Or was there?"
Bobby "Oh please you can't be jealous"
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Kittleson "Oh hello I'm Roberta Kittleson"
Lindsay "Lindsay Dole"
Kittleson "Yes I know and you have quite a reputation at the courthouse."
Lindsay "So do you."
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Helen "Where's Bobby tonight?"
Lindsay "We're kinda fighting a little."
Helen "hmmm over him representing Judge Kittleson. Lindsay she's 102 years old."
Lindsay "She's 56"
Helen "You think Bobby's attracted to her? (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh well here he is, kissy kissy make up time."
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"Oh well kissy kissy make up time" Helen said and I apprehensively headed to the door. I wanted to believe we would make up. I really thought it would be you. I was surprised and disappointed to see Ellenor. I'm glad she and I have sorted things out and I hope she didn't think I was cold just now but I found it hard to talk to her. It wasn't her I wanted to see when I opened the door. It wasn't her that I wanted to make up with. I wanted it to be you Bobby. I wanted it to be "kissy kissy make up time". I wanted to talk to you. I needed you. Why wasn't it you? Are you that angry with me. Did I act that badly today? Is it so terrible that I was jealous?
I know I was being petty. I know there is no basis for my jealousy. You've given me no reason to doubt you but I am jealous. I'm as jealous as hell. I'm uneasy about you spending time with her. I don't trust her. I don't trust her because I know what it is like to love you: to pursue you, to want you. To want you so much I would be prepared to do almost anything to make you mine.
I guess I'm afraid she feels like me. I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid of what she may do. She's already caused a rift between us. She's made me feel I don't know what to call it but there is frustration, jealousy, anger, resentment and so much more contained in it. I've never felt like this before and I don't like it. You don't like it either. She's poisoned us. She's shown you a side of me you didn't know I had. I didn't even know I had it and it's a side of me neither of us likes.
I could see the annoyance and anger and disappointment in your eyes when I said she had a reputation too. I don't think she knew what I meant but you did and if I'm honest it was you I wanted to hurt with that comment. I knew it would annoy you. I wanted you to know I was angry. I wanted you to feel uncomfortable. I wanted you to regret taking her case but I'm the one who ended up with regrets. I saw the look in your eyes. I carried that look with me all day. Even now it still pains me to remember it. I hate that it hurts. Why wasn't it you at the door Bobby? Why couldn't it have been you?
I'm glad Helen is in her room because I can't talk to her right now. My emotions are too raw. I'm too on edge. I needed you to come to me tonight and make it alright. I needed it to be you and now I'm shattered. I want to be alone. I'm going to curl up on my bed and wallow in my misery. I know the tears are just waiting to fall and I can't let Helen see them. She thinks its funny. "She's 102" she said. She doesn't understand that its not really Kittleson that bothers me its the way she has made me feel.
Possessive and insecure.
She's reminded me that you don't belong to me I can't control you. and I really don't want to but I want to know you are mine and you will always be mine and no-one will ever be able to come between us. I want to own you. I want to put a sign around your neck telling everyone you are mine. I want to possess you completely. I want to "claw the eyes" out of any woman who even dares to look at you. I don't want you to have a life without me because I don't think I could have a life without you. You are everything to me. And as much as I want all this I hate myself for it. I know I'm being unreasonable. I'm being too obsessive, too possessive and I'm scaring you away. That's why you're not here tonight isn't it? I'm too possessive. I'm stifling you. I'm scaring you. That's why you didn't come tonight. That's why
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh my God! It's you. I know it's you this time. Oh God!
I have to laugh because now that you are here I don't want to see you. I can't see you. You can't see me like this. Not when I'm this emotional! If I didn't scare you away before, I will terrify you now. Oh Bobby I'm so glad you came and I love you for coming but I can't see you now. I can't let you in. I can't see you because I want to hold you so tight and never let you go, I want to smother you with kisses and I just know I'm going to make a fool of myself over you
DOORBELL RINGS
I know I should let you in but I can't. I just can't. I'm too scared. I have no control. I need to be in control.
"Lindsay are you getting that?" Helen calls from her room.
"No" I reply in a voice I don't even recognize as my own. I'm not even sure it was me. I hear her groan as she heads to the door and I panic. At this moment I wish I didn't have a roommate. I'm in a panic. I try to regain control. I take deep breaths and try to force the tears to stop but they only fall faster now because you are here. You have come to me. I love you so much.
Come on come on come on Lindsay get a grip!
I just don't trust myself with you tonight. I don't want to further damage our relationship. I don't want to my emotions are too raw. I'm not in control. I'm scared of what I may say to you. I don't like not being in control. I'm scared to look at you. I know if I see you I'm just going to throw my arms around you and hold on for dear life. I'll hold you so tight you'll never be able to get away but maybe you want to get away. What if you're here tonight to tell me you want to get away?
I can't let you tell me that. I don't want to hear it. I can't let you in.
I hear a soft knock on my bedroom door. Oh Bobby I can't let you in. I'm too scared. Go away Bobby. I can't talk to you now. I won't talk to you now.
I curl up on my bed and pretend your not there. If I don't acknowledge it then maybe it's not happening. I close my eyes tight and concentrate on my breathing just as I did as I child when I was scared. When I'd had a nightmare or fought with my brother or was in trouble with my parents. Whenever the world would close in on me I would curl up and shut it out. I even did this when my first real crush turned out to be such a jerk. I vowed then I would never let a boy make me feel so bad again and yet here I am 10 or 12 years later doing it again. Shattered again. Just concentrate on breathing I remind myself.
In out in out in out blue eyes blue blue eyes beautiful blue eyes
I was concentrating so hard I didn't hear you come into the room. I didnt hear you kneel down beside my bed. But I felt you. I felt your thumb softly brush the tears from my cheek and as determined as I was not to look at you, not to let you in, the shock of your sudden, unexpected touch forced my eyes to open. There you were staring at me with those blue blue eyes. That was all I could see blue blue eyes. I think I stopped breathing. At least I don't remember breathing. I remember wondering how did you get so close without me realizing it? How did you sneak up on me? How did you so suddenly become the only thing I could see? When did you become so important to me? When did my life change focus until you were the most important thing? I stared into your eyes searching for the answers. Seeing you and yet not seeing you for what seemed like an eternity until your voice brought me back. The tone was so
"Lindsay" was all you said but the way you said it. I had to close my eyes again. I couldn't look at the pain I'd brought to your eyes. I couldn't look at the damage I had done. Have I really put that pain there, Bobby? Oh God I'm sorry. What am I doing to us? I'm destroying us.
I feel your touch again. Stronger this time as you wipe away my tears and your voice is more urgent.
"Lindsay this is silly." I cry because I know you are right. I am silly and I have to talk to you. I have to make you understand. "I know" I whisper as I once again look into those blue blue eyes. I raise myself so I'm sitting on the bed. I know we have to talk. As much as I don't want to we need to. Hesitantly you raise yourself too and join me. And I realize I have made you scared of me and this realization brings tears to my eyes again.
"Lindsay?" you say in a voice choked with emotion "What's going on?" You gently brush the hair from my face. You're confused and unsure: afraid to know yet afraid not to know. "This isn't just about Kittleson is it?" you hesitantly ask as you softly caress my cheek.
"No" is all I manage to reply and I want to say so much more but I can't ... I look into your eyes. They are pleading with me to explain. Ok. For you I'll do it for you. I take a deep breath and start afraid once I do I may not be able to stop. "I know nothing's going on with Kittleson it's not really about her it it is but she's just a symptom I'm not upset about her I'm scared of the next one "
You pull away from me and it hurts. I crave to have your touch again. My skin needs your touch. I need your touch it was my only comfort. I'm lost without it. "What are you talking about?" you say confused. You're hurt now. There is no turning back. I have to tell you everything. I have to ease your pain. Undo the damage I've done.
"Bobby what if what if the next woman who dreams about you isn't 56. What if she's young and beautiful and sexy and "
Your hand is back on my face now and the pleasure it brings makes me stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath. I open my eyes again to see you've moved closer to me. Your face is so close to mine I can feel your breath. And it feels good.
"It wouldn't matter," you say.
"But Bobby what if ." I start to ask but your other hand clasps my other cheek. With both hands holding my face you pull me closer towards you. I'm so close to you now I have no choice but to look into your eyes. They are only centimeters away from mine.
"It wouldn't matter!" you say again insistently.
"How can you be sure?" I have to ask and I'm surprise when you smile at me and your eyes I hadn't noticed before they aren't angry or hurt anymore. They are tender, loving, reassuring and so comforting. I'm lost in them but force myself to listen to your voice as you say,
"Because it wouldn't be you. It wouldn't matter how old she is, what she looks like, how sexy she is or how good she smells" I see a hint of teasing in your eyes now and I can't help but smile at you. I love your teasing eyes "because she isn't you. I'm only interested in you. It will always be you Lindsay and only you. I love YOU. You have to know that."
I believe you and not just because I want to believe you Bobby but because I really do And I know it will be alright I can do what I've wanted to do since I first heard the doorbell ring. I can throw my arms around you and just hold on tight. I can claim you.
And I do.
It feels so good and so right. And you're holding me just as tight. I'm wondering are you claiming me too, when you whisper in my ear "I'm yours and you are mine." And the tears are back. But they are tears of joy this time. Tremendous joy. And I have to let you go. I have to take my hands from your waist. I never thought I would want to but now more than needing to hold you I need to kiss you. I need my hands on your face as it comes in contact with mine. I need to kiss you.
And I do.
And it's perfect. And it seems to answers all my doubts and questions. Your lips, your tongue, your breath, your hands, your neck, your body all mine. I need nothing else almost nothing else I need to say something. Just one thing more. I need you to know I'm sorry but I don't want to discuss it right now. I don't want to ruin this moment. I don't want to talk about it now. Now I just want to feel, to enjoy to love. So I say with a smile "Bobby but what if she isn't so silly and irrational?" and you smile at me, that glorious smile, and your blue blue eyes shine with mischief. You know what I'm really saying. You chuckle as you draw me back and whisper "She wouldn't be much fun then would she?" And I kiss you. And I know I am forgiven. And I know I am loved. And I am happy. I am yours.
And it's kissy kissy make up time at last!