With love comes heartbreak

By Livvy

Author's note: This is set after the episode "Trees in the Forest". It is first person p.o.v. And yes it is Bobby and Lindsay and nothing else.

Summary: This is in two parts and deals with the aftermath of Lindsay's demand for partnership and her declaration of love.

Feedback: I love it when you love it. So please let me know.

Disclaimer: Nope not mine but I wish they were.

"I'll think this office stuff through."

With those six words Bobby you broke my heart. Those six softly spoken words hurt more than all the words shouted in anger at me yesterday. It was all I could do to get out of your office before I … It's not that I expected anything from you. It's not like I expected you to love me too… but … I kinda hoped … maybe … you still cared … just a little. I never expected you to so thoroughly and yes even heartlessly reject me. And I never realized it would hurt this much.

"I'll think this office stuff through."



You couldn't have made it any plainer. I was standing there offering you everything. I was giving myself to you completely. Last night I told you I loved you and tonight I …"I'm standing right here" I said and you know full well what I was offering was personal. What I wanted to discuss was personal. And what was your reply;

"I'll think this office stuff through."

Not that you needed to think us through. Not that you needed more time. Not that we had anything personal between us that was worthy of you consideration. No just the office "stuff" was worth thinking through. … Is that all I am to you now … part of the office … part of your professional life … an associate … an employee … a piece of furniture … something useful but not something to get attached to; certainly not something to love.

How did we end up like this Bobby? We were so close once. …Are we still friends? … Is even that gone now? We've always been able to talk. We've always been close. We've always been friends but last night you wouldn't even look at me. You walked into the office and walked right past me as if I wasn't there. You wouldn't even look at me. You were so … I can handle the anger and the resentment. I can handle the arguing Bobby but I can't handle your silence. It scares me.

That's why I told you I loved you. I didn't mean to. I hadn't planned to but I panicked. When you ignored me so completely I knew I had to do something. I panicked. I saw our friendship, a beautiful friendship, ending and I panicked. When you asked me why I was staying I had to tell you the truth. I had to let you know how much I cared. I was scared of losing you. I was scared I'd said too much; been too harsh, too blunt, too honest. I had to let you know I saw more in you than just faults. I had to let you know I also saw … the most extraordinary person I've ever known. A man I've loved and admired from the moment I met him. I was desperate to ensure you I cared about you, I needed you, I wanted you … I panicked and blurted out "I'm in love with you" and … I'm not sorry I said it. I'm glad you know. And I do love you. I'm sure I always will. I know I always will. … but … Although last night I didn't expect a reaction from you. It was too soon. I know I took you by surprise. You needed time. I needed time. We needed time. Tonight I did.

Tonight you'd had time to think about it Bobby. You'd had time to think about us … about me … about how you felt … about what you wanted. I came to you tonight to talk, to work everything out. I'd had time to think and I needed to talk. I needed to talk to you. I know I said last night that I didn't think I wanted you to love me but I was wrong. I do want you to love me. There is nothing I want more than you. When I came into your office tonight I wanted to sort everything out. I wanted to tell you how I felt. And you seemed … ready to talk. You didn't seem so angry … you seemed … there was still tension but … you seemed ready to listen … I thought we could talk. I honestly thought we could work it all out. There was so much I wanted to say to you tonight, Bobby, and so much I wanted to hear … but

"I'll think this office stuff through."

I didn't want to hear that. Not tonight! … Well at least now I know. You don't care. There is no us. There never will be an us. I'll learn to live with it. I'll get by. I'll get over you Bobby. I will! "I'll make do with the memories." I told you that once before but I didn't realize then how hard it would be. I didn't realize then how much I would miss you. I didn't realize how much I need you ... want you ... love you. Now I do but it's too late. It's over. We're over. I've lost you. You don't care. You don't love me. You don't need me. You don't even miss me. "I'll make do with the memories" not by choice but necessity. Because all I have left are the memories … and the heartbreak.


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"I'm right here Bobby I'm standing right here."

For a split second, Lindsay, I thought I could do it. I thought I could say what you wanted to hear. I wanted to. I wanted to more than I've wanted anything before but … I couldn't. So many memories and emotions came flooding back. I remembered holding you in my arms, making love to you, waking up with you and nothing has ever felt as good as when we were together. We always felt right. I know deep down we are right but … then … I heard you telling me you loved me … I heard you telling me you think I'm dysfunctional … I heard you telling me I could be maxed out … I heard you telling me …

I heard my greatest fear and I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you I love you and I need you more than I've ever needed anyone. I couldn't tell you I'm terrified of you. I couldn't tell you that you mean more to me than anyone ever has or ever will and I couldn't tell you how much this scares me. So I mumbled something about the office and you left … disappointed. Disappointed in me again! Why do I always end up disappointing you Lindsay?

I want to be good enough for you. God do I want to be good enough for you because maybe then I could be sure you wouldn't leave. Maybe then I could tell you how I really feel. I could tell you I love you and it terrifies me. It terrifies me because I'm sure one day you'll go. One day you'll leave. One day you'll get sick of waiting for this "rat infested office" and this "dysfunctional" man to meet your standards and you'll leave. And I know that day my life will become so much harder to live. How will I live without you Lindsay? How am I going to survive without you?

I can't tell you I love you. Not because I don't, but, because I can't. I can't let you in and I can't let you under my guard. I can't allow myself to need you, to lean on you; to rely on you as I always have. I can't … love you and then lose you. I can't open myself up to such pain. I can't open myself up to you again. I have to deny it even to myself. But mostly I can't tell you I love you because … you might stay. You might stay for me and it will be wonderful … but … it would only be temporary. You'd only come to regret it. You'd only come to resent me for it; resent me for holding you back. I can't be responsible for holding you back. I can't hold you … have you … love you. You have no idea how good it felt just to hear you say you were in love with me. You have no idea how often I've dreamt of hearing you say that. You've no idea how long I've wanted to hear it; waited to hear it. … If only I could believe it. Believe those words were true. Believe you could love me.

It's not that I think you were lying. It's not that I don't believe you … I do … you are the most honest and honorable person I know … I trust you implicitly. I know you believe you love me. I just don't understand why you love me... how someone, like you, could love me… and I don't … I don’t believe it will last … you'll end up hating me … they always do. I'll screw it up somehow. You'll realize how wrong you were about me and … you'll come to hate me and you'll leave… you'll go and I'll … I'll fall apart without you. I'll be lost without you. Completely lost! … That's my greatest fear having you and losing you. It would be too much. It's better not to let it happen at all. That's what I've decided no matter how painful it is I have to believe this is better. It's better not to have you than to lose you. It's better … for both of us.

I can't love you now. I have to let you go. Half of me wants to force you to go now. Get you out of my life now so I can start healing; start recovering. Just get it over and done with. A quick, clean break now before…. before it gets too hard to let you go … before it gets so that I can't let you go … before I stop deluding myself into believing I can let you go. But the other half of me wants to cling to you. Shower you with everything you could ever want. Give in to you completely, promise anything and everything just to make you stay. Just to see you everyday, to hear your sweet voice, to feel your soft touch, to … but I can't. It wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve so much more than I can give. … Go Lindsay and find the life you deserve. Don't look back. Don't think of me. Don't worry about me. I'll survive. I'll get by. …

Who am I kidding … I can't let you go. I need you too much. You're tearing me apart. No ones ever torn me apart like this before. No one's ever affected me like you do. I'm living with a broken heart and it's all because of you. It's all because I love you Lindsay. I always will. I just can't tell you. I can't do that to you. It's not right. Not for you and not for me. And I want to do the right thing by you Lindsay. So I'm sorry … I'm so sorry but I hope … someday you'll know. Someday you'll know how hard it was for me to let you go. Someday you'll know how much it broke my heart to watch you go. Some day you'll know how much I loved you. … because I do … I love you.