"Lindsay, Rasil's just been arrested and is asking for you," Lucy says with an enormous smile.

Lindsay comes rushing out of the conference room leaving Bobby unbuttoned and unfinished. "Oh tell me he hasn't done it again?"

"Yep, afraid so," Lucy replies, jumping up and down trying to see into the conference room but having her view blocked by Lindsay's smooth moves. They look like morons doing a feedback dance so its lucky no one can see them now. "Scneider's stationary down on Raeburn St," Lucy says and manages to duck under Lindsay's arm when she mistakenly pirouettes, instead of some other dancing term that I don't know because I never learnt how to dance as a kid. I was more a rolling in the mud type girl. Hey it wasn't like that, I just preferred football. Well, I actually didn't play football. I'd steal the ball and then all the boys would chase after me and ... well enough about me, there's a story to tell.

Unfortunately, Bobby is now looking all prim and proper. His suspenders are reattached and he has an innocent look on his face.

"You want something Lucy?" he asks.

Lucy mumbles, "No," and goes back to her desk. One day she will catch him with his pants down or she'll die trying. She knows there is black silk under those Armani's and, just once, would like to have her theory proven correct.

"Bobby, you're coming with me," Lindsay calls out to him. His eyes light up and she clarifies, "To the stationary store!"

"Do I have to? A 60 year old man with a stationary fetish, I'm sure you can handle him on your own," he moans.

"You'll do as your told, Bobby, and you'll enjoy it."

Bobby knows what that tone means and jumps to attention, in more ways than one.

"Besides, last time I interviewed him, he started moaning when I pulled out my pen and paper. Do you know how embarrassing that was? I want you there so no one thinks anything untoward is happening." She allows her eyes to skim over Bobby and his ... ahem appearance. Her eyes roll and she mumbles, "Men? How they ever allow themselves to go out in public is beyond me."

Bobby and Lindsay arrive at the scene of the so-called crime. (I mean, a man moaning and groaning over staplers, what's so wrong with that?) Their trip only took them three hours to travel 10 miles. They sort of got carried away in the parking lot for a while, (a slight misinterpretation of the meaning of that term) and then Bobby was in the drivers seat, but he kinda fell asleep for a little while afterwards, and well, um yeah, that's what happened. Don't like it then don't send feedback, see if I care! Oh, and Jewel says, and for God sakes if you like it better than soulmates have the good sense to keep it under your hat!!!!! She really did say that. I didn't make it up, I even copy pasted it out of our conversation coz like I couldn't be bothered typing it. So it's true, just ask her.

So where was I? Oh yeah, old guy, lewd and lascivious behavior, stationary store, any of this coming back to you? Oh, I hadn't mentioned lewd and lascivious before? Well that's what the charge was. Sorry, guess you might have needed to know that for the story to make sense. Then again, I don't think it really makes sense anyway. You know what, I think I'll shut up now and just get back to the story. HEY! That hip hip hooray had better be because it's your birthday and not because of anything I just said!

So, they arrived at the scene of the crime, and the old guy was sitting in the back of a police car waiting for Lindsay to lean in and say, 'don't say a word,' before the police could take him to that place that police take people to after their lawyers say, 'don't say a word.'

"I just wanted to get Lisa a Hallmark birthday card to show my deep and abiding love for her, but then I saw the staplers, and they were so...." (oooh, I feel I should point out here, that I've now decided, that the old guy looks just like Bobby's ugly dentist cousin guy and he talks like him too. So, when he raves about staplers, it's as creepy as that guy talking about Lucy ... you do find his obsession with staplers creepy, don't you, Lisa?)

Lindsay reminds the sleazy-creepy-just-like-Bobby's-cousin-only-older guy not to say a word. He nods, and the police drive away to the sounds of him saying, "When you touch them, they are so smooth, and then if you press in just the right place, then everything clicks and it's just so beautiful to see."

"Just which part of not one word did you misunderstand you moron!" Lindsay says as she runs like the wind next to the car.

"Oooh... yeah... sorry," creepy-older-cousin-but-not-cousin guy says. "I'll just staple my mouth shut." He then proceeds to mimic stapling his mouth shut and his eyes darken with intense arousal.

Lindsay, disgusted, stops running and turns to speak to Bobby (who, because it's really a TV show, so things don't have to be like real life, is standing right there, despite Lindsay having done that run-like-the-wind thing.) They walk into the stationary store. Which is also right there, got a problem with that then tell someone who cares.

Bobby and Lindsay enter the store. (Why they need to go in there, I'm not too sure but my story needs them to go in, so, dammit, they are going in.) "Thank God that creepy guy who looks like your cousin reminded me it's Lisa's birthday, otherwise I wouldn't have thought to get her anything," Lindsay says, making a beeline for the birthday cards.

"He doesn't look like my cousin," Bobby says pouting melodramatically.

"God, you can be a drama queen," Lindsay says laughing at him, "What's your problem, your fishnets getting too tight?"

Bobby cries like a baby, and Lindsay, despite being a total bitch and a snob and a callous insensitive um something (can't think of the right word now, but fill in your own insult here) walks over to him, and grabbing his head, pushes it into her heaving bosom and says, "Oh honey, I'm sorry that was wrong of me to say."

"Can we still be married?" Bobby sobs.

"Are we married?" Lindsay asks astonished.

Hiccuping adorably and wiping his snotty nose on the sleeve of his 10 million dollar Armani suit, Bobby says, "hic... um... hic... I... hic... think... hic... so."

"Are you sure?" Lindsay asks, "This isn't another one of your hallucinations is it?"

"No, no, I really think we are. Look, we even have rings on our fingers."

Lindsay looks down at her hand, "Holy shit, how did that get there?"

"Not sure," Bobby replies, then with twinkling eyes (which twinkle even more than normal because of his cry baby thing earlier, which means his eyes are wet now and the tears help him twinkle like the twinkle master 2000, whatever that is) says, "But if we're married now, then, doesn't that mean we can ... you know.... do it?"

Lindsay, who must have lost her brains when she was running like the wind, which would mean her brains had gone with the wind, says, "Huh? Do what?"

Bobby picks up a stapler and does a little stapling demonstration with it complete with none too subtle sound effects. "Ooh, oooh, ooooh, yeah, right there, baby."

Lindsay looks confused, "We don't need to be married to staple, Bobby, not in Massachusetts anyway. I know coz, I know the constitution."

Bobby sighs, sometimes his brilliant possible-wife is a bit slow on the uptake. He picks up a scissors and opens and closes it; she cocks her head to the side quizzically. He picks up a glue stick and waves it suggestively in front of her, still no understanding from her. He finds some gold embossed paper from some expensive gold embossed paper company (that if I knew the name of it, would be really impressive if I mentioned it now, but I don't, so I wont) and says, "C'mon baby you and me between the sheets." Still she doesn't get his meaning. He picks up a calculator "Which of your buttons would you like me to press?"

Lindsay looks at her Gucci gold sequined sweater and Prada purple polka-dot skirt and says, "I haven't got any buttons, Bobby, I've only got a zip."

Finally, desperately he grabs a hole-punch and slowly works it in front of her eyes. As she becomes mesmerized by the steel shaft pumping up and down, appearing and disappearing, his meaning finally becomes clear. She grabs his hand with one hand and a card for Lisa's birthday with the other hand. Being Hallmark, it says exactly what she is feeling. 'I'm as horny as hell and want sex with the man who could very well be my husband, and so I grabbed the first crappy card that I found to show how much I care about you, so fill in your own name please and then accept this with all my love.'

She drags Bobby out of the shop after paying the stationary store guy, who'd been afraid he was going to have to call the police again after the strange couple started breathing heavily in aisle three. She practically throws him into the car, which is conveniently right there when they exit the store. Don't you just love TV and how that always happens? Bobby turns and reaches his hands out to play with certain bits of Lindsay that he really likes playing with.

"Bobby stop!" she says horrified. Her words take a moment to penetrate his brain, as all he is hearing is sirens and bells and fireworks, all proclaiming he's about to get him some.

Luckily though, he stops in time and, although panting enough to have completely fogged the car so much so that no one can see in at all. In fact they have created a great big foggy ball thing so the car is totally invisible, they can have sex right there, and no one will know. Well hopefully they'll know or it would be a little disappointing but no one else will know. Except you. You know coz you are reading this, you are still reading aren't you? Well if you aren't too bad you don't know then but I do. I know coz I wrote it and Jewel knows coz she is bugging me as I'm trying SO hard to write for you. Guess it's my fault for leaving it until the day before but well I had other things to do. Oh come back now, quit pouting, you don't look anywhere near as cute as Bobby does when he does it.

Speaking of which Bobby pouts at Lindsay and says, "What?" although he's a man who's just been stopped from getting a little, so it's more than just a little, 'what,' but you can use your imagination there.

"Bobby, you need protection," Lindsay says.

He slaps his forehead Homer Simpson style (does he slap his forehead? I know he says, "doh" so maybe he can say that instead. I like slapping his forehead but, whatever... you choose, it's your story. See how nice I can be when I want to be?) and says, "How could I have forgotten how hot you are my little chickadee?" as he puts on his driving gloves to stop his fingers getting burned.