Author's note: A continuation of the final scene of "Boston Confidential". It's in two parts, 1st person p.o.v, and totally and utterly Bobby and Lindsay. So you've been warned, if you don't like them turn away now!
Summary: Lindsay has just worked out Bobby left the message on her answering machine with the intention of Helen hearing it and shocked her mind goes into overdrive. Bobby, meanwhile, wishes she would just read her book.
Feedback: Yes! Yes! Yes! I love it.
Disclaimer: Let me just say if they were mine would I be writing episodes or fanfics?
*~*~*~*
Who are you and what have you done with Bobby?
Read your book you say but how am I supposed to read my book when I'm in bed with a man I don't even know. A man who looks like Bobby Donnell but who couldn't possibly be him. He's not Bobby Donnell. Not Mr. "do anything to get the client off" Donnell. I don't know who he is and I don't know what to think. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe what you've done. I'm stunned speechless and I'm thrilled and proud and that makes absolutely no sense at all.
I was fuming when I thought it was a mistake, an idiotic mistake, and I was annoyed just now that you didn't seem so concerned about it, that you were so calm about it. But now knowing it wasn't a mistake knowing it was deliberate I'm delighted. It was sneaky and underhanded and all those things I hate about our job. And it was done not in the best interest of the client, which is our normal defense, but with the sole intention of getting the client caught. Bobby Donnell just handed a client to a DA on a platter Bobby Donnell! My fiancιe My Bobby Donnell!
Maybe that's what this is Maybe all my complaining about criminals and criminal defense work has started to get to you maybe my opinions and my ideals are starting to affect you maybe you are changing Maybe I'm changing you Do I dare believe I could be responsible do I dare think I could have such an affect on you I know for a certainty a year ago you would never have done something like this. So why now? Can it be me? Is it really my influence and if it is ... is this a good thing?
"You're not reading Lindsay!" you say.
I know Bobby. I can't read right now. I've something more important to do. I'm staring at the man I love. The man who has just completely thrown me. The man I thought I knew better than I know myself. The man who's motives and morals I thought I thoroughly understood. The man who's actions I thought I could predict. The man who, just now, I realize I don't know at all. I don't know this man. I don't know you, Bobby. I have no idea what is going on in your head. All these things about you I thought I knew they aren't real. They aren't the truth. They are just the versions of you I created in my mind. They are the nice neat packages that perfectly coexisted with who I think we are and where I wanted us to go. In the past few months, I guess since we've been engaged, we've settled into a routine. And not just a routine of actions but of thoughts too. I've viewed us as a couple and we are but in doing so I've forgotten something terribly important you!
I haven't seen you for so long Bobby and I've missed you. I've missed being amazed by you. I've missed being surprised by you. I've missed being terrified by you I've missed you. I've missed the Bobby I fell in love with. The Bobby I love. I know you've been there all along but I haven't been seeing you. I haven't been seeing you as an individual and I haven't been talking to you We need to talk more Bobby and not about the office. We need to talk about us. I need to know who you are I need to know you I need to know who this man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is. Am I ever going to know who you are? I want to know who you are Or do I? Maybe I want to spend the rest of my life learning who you are? Yes that's what I want I hope 10 20 years from now you can still stun me like this. You can still amaze me like this. You can still thrill me like this because I love it! I love you.
"Lindsay for God's sake read your book"
Oh no Bobby no books tonight. "I can't Bobby I'm trying to read something far more interesting."
"Excuse me?"
Yeah I thought that would get a reaction. "You I'm trying to read you."
"Any luck?"
"None at all." And you seemed pleased with that. Why? Are you trying to hide something Bobby?
"Lindsay"
Ok here it comes. "Yes?"
"Read your book!"
"Bobby"
"Yes?"
"I love you!"
You laugh and I don't blame you. I am acting strange but that's because I feel strange. I've been staring at you for at least twenty minutes. I've been watching you work, watching you think and wondering what do you think? What are you thinking? And I like that I don't know the answers and that surprises me. And I like what you've done. And I like who you've become.
I remember yesterday thinking I'm becoming more like you and I didn't like it. After the verdict I was disappointed with myself for not being upset about freeing Pierce Stanton. I wasn't that bothered about getting another killer set free on a technicality and it upset me. Silly hey! I was upset about not being upset. But now after what you've done I'm relieved. I'm so glad he was caught and I'm so glad you were responsible. I guess that means I was more upset than I'd realized. I guess it does still affect me more than I was willing to admit. I guess I was in denial. I was acting, playing the part of the hardened criminal defence attorney pretending to be unfazed like you pretending to be like you. Pretending to be like who I thought you were. But I'm not like that and, now, it seems neither are you.
Actually I've just realized something I was in denial. Severe denial and I have been for a while. In the courthouse I asked you how you were doing like getting Pierce off was something you had done and something you should feel remorse for I wanted you to feel regret. I wanted you to hurt and it's not the first time I've done that. I do that a lot. When I don't like the result when I don't like the way a case is going when things go wrong I blame you and I say things designed to hurt you. I put it all down to you. I don't take responsibility I just blame you. I did it after the Pearson trial. I acted as if it wasn't us who decided to run with the involuntary defence in the Pearson trial it was just you. I criticized you about it and blamed you for Pearson's conviction and that was wrong. I blamed our failure to get the verdict I wanted solely on you and your strategy. That was wrong because it was us. It was a team decision. A decision I fully supported until I didn't like the result and then I backed away and blamed you. Took all my anger and frustration out on you. That's the way I think when things go wrong. That's the way I thought yesterday. My little comment about not knowing what's worse freeing killers or it not bothering us. It was an accusation. An accusation designed to hurt you because I was hurting. I didn't realize it at the time but I do now. I never realized I did that before. I never realized how much I took my feelings out on you. I never thought about it before. It's just the way I've always coped. When I'm hurt I fight. I lash out. I guess I'm learning something about myself tonight too Bobby. I guess there are two strangers in this bed tonight. Two people I don't know.
I'm sorry Bobby for all the times I've laid the blame on you. For all the times I've criticized you for things we've done. For all the biting remarks made in a vain attempt to ease my pain. For all the times I've hurt you. Did you know what I was doing all along? Did you know why I was hurting you? Why I was blaming you? Did you accept the blame to help me cope? I think you did. I think No! Enough thinking and enough silence. You've been silent for too long and so have I. We need to communicate. I want us to talk. I take your papers and put them aside. You look at me questioningly as I settle myself in your lap and then your gaze drops. You won't look at me. Why not?
"Bobby"
"Yes?"
You look nervous. I can do something about that. "I love you!"
You smile slightly and then give me a big cheeky grin. "You said that already"
And I'll say it again if I have to. I'll keep saying it until you believe me. "I know but I do!"
You're serious again now. "Lindsay"
Fine I'll leave you be. "I know read your book." I go to move off you but you stop me.
"No Lindsay"
Ok so you don't want me to go that's good. "Yes?"
"I love you!"
And as always the only response I can think of is to kiss you and you don't seem to mind at all.
*~*~*~*
She's looking at me again. She hasn't said anything for a while but she keeps looking at me. She's restless, she's mulling something over in her mind, she's sighing and she's staring at me. I think I may have just shocked her. In fact I know I have. I've silenced her and that has to be a first. Lindsay Dole is speechless. I should mark the calendar. I didn't know that ever happened but it has and it's all because of me.
I won't talk to her about it though. I can't. It's for her own good. Not that I expect any repercussions but if something should come of it not that it's likely but if we should be sued I'm not going to put her in a position where she'd feel obliged to lie for me. If she doesn't know the truth if I never tell her the truth she can't lie. I'm pleading the fifth. I'm not going to talk to her about it. Let her come up with her own conclusions. I'm not going to confirm or deny anything. I'm just not going to discuss it with her. No matter what! No matter how much she stares at me.
"You're not reading Lindsay!" I say. And for a whole 5 seconds she looks away. Who does she think she's kidding? Doesn't she know I can feel her eyes like lasers boring into me? Doesn't she know I know she is seriously reevaluating me? Doesn't she know it's scaring me?
Somehow I think it's ok though. I don't think she is too mad at me I think she's just confused. I knew she'd work it out. She's relentless. I knew she'd brood over it so much that eventually it would hit her. What I didn't know was how she would take it. What I still don't know is how she is taking it. I don't know what her reaction is. She's just staring at me. Obviously she's not mad. When Lindsay's mad she's vocal and right now she's silent; more silent than I've ever known her to be. Plus I'm not feeling any tension from her so I don't really think she's mad. But I don't know what she is thinking. I get the feeling she just hasn't decided how she feels yet. Yeah I guess I can say I shocked her. Maybe when it sinks in I might have a screaming match on my hands I doubt it though. If anyone is going to understand why I did what I did it will be Lindsay. I'm sure she probably understands better than me why I did it because to be honest I have no idea. It just felt right.
I guess her concern at the courthouse for how I was feeling triggered something in me. She was worried about how I felt and I felt nothing. In the back of my mind I was able to convince myself he wasn't really a murderer. I always play these tricks with the evidence to help make each client seem worthy of fighting for. I let myself think of this as an accident. It was something that happened in a fit of rage. Something beyond Pierce's control and I looked on his actions afterwards as those of a man in shock. A man not thinking straight. Somehow it didn't seem so bad getting him off if it happened by accident but premeditated? When I realized what had really happened I just saw red. I thought of Lindsay. Of what she'd said at the courthouse. She'd seemed a little upset, even though her words were saying she wasn't, I could tell she was. I thought of how she was hurting because of this guy. Of how she always hurts when she gets these guys off and I just couldn't sit by and let him get away with it. I couldn't let them play us all for fools. I had to do it for her. Even if she never knew I did it I had to do it for her.
She's still looking at me and this staring is starting to get a little too intense and it's goddamn distracting. I'm trying to work here but she's making me nervous. If she'd just stop looking at me I'd be able to concentrate. I have to get her to stop staring.
So I try to sound calm and distant and say, "Lindsay for God's sake read your book"
"I can't Bobby I'm trying to read something far more interesting."
What on earth is she talking about and grinning she's grinning well I guess that means I'm forgiven. That's something but what did she mean? "Excuse me?"
"You I'm trying to read you."
Oh God I hope you can't. "Any luck?"
"None at all."
Good! "Lindsay"
"Yes?"
For the sake of my sanity quit staring. "Read your book"
"Bobby"
Oh God here it comes. Is she mad? Do I really want to hear it? "Yes?"
"I love you!"
Ok that was unexpected for that she gets a smile. I'll even let her stare at me now if she wants. It's a bit of a relief. I was a little worried she might be mad at me. I was acting brave and doing my best to convince myself she wasn't but I had my doubts. I was a little concerned Ok yeah I was petrified! Alright so let's evaluate, I've determined she's not mad. But what is she? She said she loves me, and I'll never get sick of hearing that, but what did she mean? Does she just love me or does she love me despite what I did or does she love me because of what I did? So many options. I think I'll settle with she just loves me. Lindsay Dole loves Bobby Donnell. I can live with that. I like the sound of that
Ok and what was that deep breath about? Something's just occurred to her and she's not looking at me anymore. She's finally turned away and now I'm more nervous than before. Is this a good sign? Now I'm scared. I sneak a look. She's clenching her jaw and her eyes wow they are amazingly wide and focussed. Something's really got her thinking. I haven't done anything else have I? No I haven't. At least I don't think so. I have no idea what she's thinking about now but she's scaring me. Oh no she's moving and she's looking at me again. I'm in trouble now. but why? What have I done now? What else has she just worked out? She's taken my papers, climbed into my lap and she's straddling me and staring at me so intently I'm scared to meet her eyes. I'm scared of what they'll say. I'm definitely in trouble now
"Bobby"
Oh God um ah um "Yes?"
"I love you!"
Ok keep breathing Donnell you can do it act cool. "You said that already"
"I know but I do!"
Oh those eyes! I love those eyes. I can't resist those eyes and I'm finding it terribly difficult to think at all at the moment. "Lindsay"
"I know read your book."
And she starts to move but I reach out and stop her. I don't want her going anywhere. "No Lindsay?"
"Yes?"
And to hell with cool it's time to be honest "I love you!"
And she smiles, her full glorious smile, before leaning in and kissing me. I think I've just died and gone to heaven!
