Headers in Part 1
Rating: PG-13
*~*~*~*
SUNDAY
Lindsay wakes in a warm cocoon of blankets and Bobby. The cool breeze coming off of the ocean has her curling in closer to him as she slowly pries her eyes open; the sun rising on the horizon creates a vision that takes her breath away. Watching it, she realises that she should be waking Bobby and sharing this with him but decides that by the time he's cognizant the moment will have passed. She lays in his arms, breathing in the heady scent of the sea and their bodies. Wanting him more with each second that she's awake, she moves her hand to stroke over his cheek, hoping to stir him but then stops before making contact as she realizes that she has to pee. Smiling, she gently eases herself out of his grasp, no longer wanting to wake him as she plans on doing so upon her return. She stops to watch him snuggle into the quilt, his arms searching for her even in sleep. Determined to hurry back to him, she heads inside.
As Lindsay exits the bathroom, the photo that she'd uncovered last night catches her eye. Remembering how it had been uppermost in her mind as they'd driven to the restaurant, she smiles thinking of the distracted state that they had been in by the time they'd arrived home. From the moment that they'd been seated, the photo hadn't been given another thought, not when she had a live and animated Bobby to peruse and contemplate.
Walking to the table, she picks up the photo and gives it the scrutiny that she was denied last night. Feeling the air become suddenly harder to breathe, she stumbles to the bed and sits. Perched there, she stares alternately from the photo to the man sleeping outside. Knowing, now, that last night she'd been right to be so concerned about this; she feels the tears pool in her eyes as she looks once more at the evidence in hand. Feeling panic arise, she recognizes her flight instinct taking hold and embraces it. Dressing quickly, she leaves; passing him quietly before her feet hit the sand. There they fall into an easy routine that she hopes can calm her nerves and make her strong enough to face her fear.
~~~~~~~
Waking alone, Bobby quickly goes in search of Lindsay, expecting to find her with each step that he takes, only to discover her gone; the house is empty. With no note, no sign of why she'd left, Bobby is confused and concerned. Remembering his mother's age old advice that when something is lost, trace your steps back to the last time you'd seen it, Bobby pulls on a pair of jeans then steps back out onto the deck. His last memory of Lindsay was of holding her warm sanguine body against his as they'd drifted off to sleep. Reconciling that memory with waking alone is impossible, it just doesn't make sense to him. Last night was... he gives a chuff of amusement, last night was phenomenal. He looks around hopefully, but to no avail; one thought keeps running through his mind, 'Where is she now?' Having convinced himself that he's overreacting, he returns inside to make some coffee.
While waiting for the water to heat, he tries valiantly to convince himself that Lindsay's merely snuck out to get them a surprise breakfast and that he's foiled her plan by waking too soon. He steadfastly ignores the fact that the car's still there and pins his hopes on her speedy return. Returning to the deck, he finds himself drawn to the stairs. He sat here yesterday, fearful of the confession that she had been struggling with, only to hear her propose to him. If ever he'd had a life changing moment, that was it. She'd told him that she loved him, told him that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and later... later, wrapped around his body, she'd shown him the intensity of her love. He's certain that he has no reason to doubt it, so why is he worrying now? Bobby takes a sip of the coffee, grimacing at the bitterness that pales in comparison to the sweetness of her lips. Discouraged, he places the cup down and rises. Every moment that she isn't here magnifies the fact that he doesn't understand why she is gone.
As he stands, leaning against the doorway, Bobby spots something that should have been obvious from the start. He shakes his head in reprimand of his inobservance, even for a died-in-the-wool city-boy those tracks should have been evident. He visually follows their trail down to the shoreline before they veer off and disappear. At least he now knows where she is, unfortunately he still has no idea why. Returning to the stairs and his cup, he searches his memory for a reason Lindsay would run. Try as he might, he cannot believe it's merely a desire for a morning jog along the beach, she would have left a note if that were so. No, something has rattled her enough for her need to run to obliterate curtesy; Bobby is afraid to discover his part in the cause.
Is this perfect life, barely hours old, already coming to an end? Is true happiness going to be so short-lived? Not that he can see where he could have fit more into yesterday, but, if he'd known it was their only day, he would have tried. Had he known that she would offer her heart, only to then allow fear back in and seek to distance herself again, he would have... actually he doesn't know what he would do, what else can he do, you can't make someone believe in something, nothing he can do will make her believe in them if she has decided not to. That is his greatest fear, that one day she'll decide to leave and never come back.
Bobby holds his third steaming mug of coffee to his lips, hoping this one will help ease the chill in his veins that the others had failed to have an impact on. While he takes a tentative sip, he sees Lindsay approaching in the distance, it's been almost an hour since he'd woken and relief at her return washes over him full force. As much as he's overjoyed at seeing her, as much as he wants to rush out and meet her, take her in his arms and promise anything as long as she'll never leave him again, he merely waits, composing himself as he does. Another agonizing fifteen minutes pass as the speck in the distance draws ever closer, with each step she becomes more discernible as the woman that he loves. He feels his heart beat in time with her strides and schools himself to stay calm, not to push and to let her say or do whatever she needs to. He knows that a cornered Lindsay is the one most likely to bolt, he's so thankful to see her returning that he'll do anything not to provoke her into going again. He has no idea what he has done to upset her this time, but is determined not to make another mistake.
'Don't blow this!' he warns himself, 'Don't push her away!'
The moment that she spots him is obvious, he watches her steady fluid rhythm tighten when tension returns to her body. Why, he wonders as he nonchalantly looks away to give her the privacy of continuing unwatched. The illusion of privacy anyway, as he only turns so much as to give the appearance of no longer watching her. The sound of her heavy breaths and the squelch of her feet meeting sand increase as she tentatively approaches. Bobby turns to face her when she stops at the base of the stairs. He blames the fact that he blurts out tersely, "It was lonely waking alone," on the fact that he's had too much caffeine. So much for his plan to be calm and considerate. They share matching winces after his comment and Lindsay slowly begins to climb the steps, passing him silently.
Grabbing her hand before she gets too far away, Bobby stands to face her. While she has reached the top level, he stands two steps below, making their eyes level now if only she would look at him. Bobby's hand brushes over her cheek as he says, "I'm sorry. I... I didn't... I'm sorry."
Lindsay nods, it's the only indication that she's heard him, still not looking at him she tries again to walk away.
"What's wrong?" Bobby asks, not letting her hand go, hating the lifeless way in which it rests in his. Why won't she ever hold onto him when she is afraid and hurting, why does she always insist on going through things alone?
"Nothing," Lindsay mumbles, Bobby's anger when she arrived hurt her more than the fear that caused her to leave had. It hurt because she knows it has arisen because of her, that Bobby has been suffering because of her. She sees the jubilant face from that photo again and knows that the man standing in front of her won't look a thing like that now... because of her.
"Don't tell me nothing!" Bobby shouts, then cringes at the harshness in his voice... damn coffee! Seeing the pain and annoyance in her eyes, he adds, softly, desperately hoping not to antagonize, "I know what it means."
"What, what means?" Lindsay asks, feeling cornered, like he is reading her mind; she again tries to pull from his grasp, wanting space before he can see the calamity inside of her.
"When you run."
"It means nothing," she replies quickly, a flash of panic crossing her face.
This time when she pulls against him he lets her go, watches as she begins to walk away, before saying, "You're hurting! You think I don't know that." When she pauses he continues, "You think I don't know that you run when you're hurt, when you're scared. You think that you can hide it from me, but you can't... I've always known. You think that I'm not terrified each time you run that you won't come back."
Surprise flashes across her face when she turns to him and what may have been anger, what he hopes wasn't fear, begins to fade from her eyes. Anger he can deal with, he knows Lindsay well enough to know that, although she may blow up fierce, the storm will quickly pass, returning them to calm. But fear doesn't pass. No, fear lingers, fear hides and waits for another chance to reemerge, it's patient, insidious and something that once it has a hold of you, you can never truly lose. You can temper fear but never have complete control of it and he hates to think that it may have control of her.
"Talk to me," he pleads.
"I need a shower, I'm all sweaty," she halfheartedly replies, reaching for an excuse to leave.
Taking the fact that she hasn't outright refused him as a sign that she's considering staying, he tells her flirtingly, hoping to ease their moods, "I don't mind."
Lindsay's eyes meet his, for quite possibly the first time that morning, and he sees her look at him with affection. He watches her walls crumble as tears build but refuse to fall. When he notices the trembling of her jaw, he does the only thing that he knows to do; reaching out he draws her into his body and holds her as she silently cries.
She holds him tight for barely a minute as she fights to regain control; once calmer, she pulls away enough to reach up and slide her fingers through his hair, holding the sides of his head as her eyes roam over his face.
"We okay?" Bobby asks shakily, leaning in to her touch.
"We're okay," she assures him.
"Then talk to me, please!"
She sighs, lowering her eyes for a second, before smiling back up at him as she says, "I really would like a shower."
"Then we'll talk?"
"Yes, Bobby," she says running her hand along his arm, "Then we'll talk."
"Okay," he nods. He takes her hand in his as he climbs the stairs, they then walk into the bedroom together. Once in there, they pause a moment unsure of what to do, neither too eager to break the slight connection they've formed but each knowing that it's needed if they are to do what they intend to. Bobby releases Lindsay's hand, and turning slightly towards her, rubs her back as he says, "You shower and I'll grab us something to eat, you haven't eaten have you?"
"Not yet," Lindsay says stepping away and beginning to gather her clothes for the day. Stopping, she turns and smiles at Bobby, not at all surprised or concerned by the fact that he is still there and watching her, tenderly she says, "The last time that you made me an offer like that I ended up with company."
"That can be arranged," he says, a spark of hope flashing through him at the evidence that she is here and willing to tease, surely that means that they are really okay.
Her eyes beg him for understanding as she replies, "We'll talk sooner, if I shower alone."
Bobby nods, not really surprised that his offer has been rejected. He knows that they need to talk more than they need physical communication but he can't help feeling a twinge of disappointment that she has turned him down, he can't help wanting to hold her in his arms, wanting an assurance that she wants to hold him to, wanting to be so deep inside of her that there is no doubt that that is where he belongs. He begins to leave the bedroom but stops when she calls to him, turning, he waits as she walks towards him; her hands slide around his neck then guide his mouth to hers. She kisses him tenderly, pulls away, then kisses him once more before turning back to walk into the bathroom.
'I love you too,' Bobby thinks as he watches her go, knowing that she sometimes resorts to actions when she cannot find the courage for words. He can see now that whatever sent her running hadn't been a lack of affection for him, he doesn't feel that it is their relationship that's frightening her now, which only leaves him more confused.
~~~~~~~
Leaving the bathroom, Lindsay sees Bobby out on the decking, setting up their breakfast on the table there.
"You did hire the whole house, didn't you, Bobby?" she asks as she stands in the doorway.
Bobby looks up at her, his face an expression of confusion.
"This seems to be the only area we use, I'm just wondering if there's a reason for that," Lindsay explains.
"How soon they forget," Bobby says woefully.
Lindsay smiles as she walks towards him, remembering all too well how they'd made good use of another area in the house last night. "I'm not likely to forget, Bobby, I have the scars to prove it," Lindsay says as she rubs her hand over the spot that his belt had fallen in love with.
"Oooh, show me?" Bobby replies, pleased to see her looking more relaxed. Her smile appears genuine now and not the pasted on version he had been offered earlier.
"Maybe later," Lindsay says with a wink, then sits at the table that he has set, looking over his handiwork.
"Nothing too exotic," he soberly says, "Just toast and fruit, it's all we've got, ooh, unless you want some cookies."
He moves to reenter the house, but, grasping his hand to calm him, Lindsay says, "This is fine, sit."
Noting only one cup of coffee, she looks questioningly at him. "Yours," he nods, "I'm already on overdrive." He stands watching her for a moment, then, with a shake of his head to clear his thoughts, sits down beside her, working hard not to allow his fingers to tap or his knee to bounce, not wanting to pressure her but struggling to contain his anxiety.
Lindsay can tell that he's desperate to ask her what is going on, but is determined not to. Reaching over, she lays her palm against his cheek and draws him closer so that she can softly kiss the other cheek. "Thank you," she says, before kissing him once more and turning her attention towards the food. Knowing how hungry she is, Lindsay decides to eat before explaining this morning's actions, unsure if once they start talking food will again cross their minds.
Bobby quickly follows her lead and serves some for himself. The longer they remain eating, the more relaxed he becomes beside her, allowing their inherent connection to soothe him. Although they eat in silence, it is a comfortable one. Lindsay is thankful that Bobby can read enough in her manner to know that what sent her running has passed. To be honest, she's feeling a little embarrassed now at her overreaction. There are just some buttons where Bobby is concerned that are sensitive to touch and that photo targeted the worst of them, her fear that she doesn't make him happy.
With their confrontation from Friday night still fresh in her mind, with the knowledge that had arisen then of her mistakes, of the pain that her behaviour has caused him, again and again, what she saw in that photo scared her. Seeing in it a Bobby who is so obviously happy, so full of life and joy, so different from the man that she knows had made her fear that she had been the one to have taken the light from his eyes. She remembers now how he had been when she first met him, how lively and excitable, how passionate about his life but now... Bobby has changed in the years that she has known him, seeing this photo had reinforced how dramatic that change has been and had frightened her as she had wondered if she was the cause. Has she changed his life so much that he now no longer loves it? Is she making him live a lesser version of his dream?
When they've finished eating, Lindsay can tell that Bobby wants to push forward but is waiting for her to make the first move. She knows that she has kept him waiting long enough and that, ready or not, she needs to explain her actions to him now. She watches him as she removes the photo from her pocket; his face shows that he's surprised she's had it with her all this time. She stares at it for a moment before turning back to him and lamentably saying, "I've never seen you look this happy before, Bobby."
"That isn't true," he says, "You've seen me a lot happier than this," he waves his hand at the photo, not even looking at it, not needing to, because he knows the truth, he's never been as happy as he is now, with her in his life.
Lindsay looks at him with doubt in her eyes, he shakes his head a little as he turns to face her fully, "Lindsay it's true, you know that it is, you think that that can compare to us together?" When she looks at him still needing to hear more, he begins listing off moments, "You think that I wasn't happier when you woke from your coma, or when you agreed to marry me... both times, or yesterday when ~you~ asked ~me~ to marry you."
Lindsay looks down at the picture with a reflective, yet pleased, smile. She knows that he's right, the problem with those moments is that during them her own emotion skews her perception, when thinking of emotional moments she recalls how she'd felt more than the look in Bobby's eye.
Bobby continues speaking, trying to encourage more smiles from her, "Christmas ninety-eight, when you thankfully ignored that thick head of yours... That morning when you ~finally~ agreed to move in with me... When you agreed to come on this trip, whenever you're in the room..." Lindsay looks up again at that one and Bobby adds, "Assuming you're not griping at me."
"I never gripe," she says.
"Of course not," he grins. Then, becoming serious, he moves closer to her, he takes her hand and looking deep into her eyes, asks, "How can you believe that you've never seen me that happy?"
She again looks down at the photo, "Your eyes, Bobby, here there's a look..."
"Lindsay, I'm a kid in that picture, the happiness you're seeing, whatever it is that's worrying you, I think... I think it isn't happiness, it's more likely innocence, naivety even... I still believed that whatever I wanted was possible then, I was confident in that."
Lindsay nods, remembering the expectations of youth, knowing how different she is from the idealistic girl that she had been at that age.
"I know that it's probably hard for you to believe, considering the decrepit state that I am in now, but even I was young and naive once."
"Bobby," she sighs, affectionately. Her hand leaves his and raises to caress his face, loving every one of those wrinkles that is missing from the photo. She teases him mercilessly about being old, but it is only payback for his comments about her moods. It always makes her smile when he pouts about his age and she knows that that is his intent, it's a game to them and one that she loves to play. Bobby smiles at her now and she can see the relief that her simple caress has given him.
Taking her wrist in his hand, he presses a kiss to her palm before saying, "If anything's changed, Lindsay, it's that... life has a way of teaching you the truth and I've learnt some pretty hard lessons over the years... I may be more world-weary now, but, Lindsay, that only serves to make me more appreciative of what I do have, of you, of the good times... I am so much happier now than I ever was then, it may not show as clearly but I promise you I feel it... and, Lindsay, you're the reason for that, you're the one who makes me happy."
Lindsay takes a deep breath and looks away as she nods, grateful, but feeling the weight of his words. That she is responsible for his happiness is a prospect that frightens her; she fears letting him down, so much, and finds it next to impossible to believe that she could be enough for him. He deserves so much joy, can she really provide that for him, can she be all that he needs?
Not having received a comforting response from her, Bobby becomes concerned and asks, "Lindsay, do you believe me?"
"I do," she assures him, turning and looking him in the eyes, "I do, Bobby."
"So, we're okay?"
"Yes, we're okay," she promises and leans against his shoulder, while Bobby's hand raises to smooth over her head.
After a moment, he takes the photo from her hand and lays it face down on the table as he softly says, "Let's put that away and forget about it."
Lindsay, planning on doing so, moves to put it back in her pocket when she remembers the other curiosity it had peaked. Sitting up straight, she asks, "Bobby, the party? Last night you said that it was yours, was it really?"
"Yeah, why?" he asks, shaking his head.
Laying the photo flat on the table, Lindsay says, "There's a sign in the background, it's obscured by the people but the first word is obviously congratulations, only it doesn't then say Bobby. I can't make out the name that follows, all I know is it starts with a T then an I."
Bobby picks up the photo, taking a closer look at it then he did the night before. Seeing, now, what it really is, he sighs; his eyes close as he whispers, more to himself than Lindsay, "That's right."
"Was the party yours?" Lindsay asks, again, when he doesn't continue to speak.
Bobby opens his eyes, handing the photo back to her he says, "There's something that I haven't told you... now it looks bad, now it's going to look like I deliberately didn't tell you..." leaning forward, he smoothes her hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear, before running his hand down her arm, "Lindsay, I promise that wasn't the case," he tells her and waits until she nods before he continues, "I know how it looks, but honestly, it just isn't something that I think about now, it just never crossed my mind to say anything... but, yeah, I can see now that that was wrong because this is something that you should know, something that I should have told you."
He looks down at her hand as it rests on the table, holding the photo there. He lays his hand over hers, his eyes slowly close as he tries to find the courage to face a past that he's kept buried for so long. He's hesitant to tell her only because he's reluctant to relive it but knows that continued silence is not an option, that this is something that he must do.
Watching his struggle, Lindsay's apprehension rises again, she fears by his demeanor that she isn't going to like what he has to say. He's obviously suffering a mix of anger and guilt and she knows that what's upsetting him most is the idea that he's let her down, that he's failed to protect her from harm. Wanting to ease his pain, she places her free hand over his, so that his is now sandwiched between both of hers. "Bobby, it's okay, I understand." she tells him, when his eyes open and look at her with undisguised hope, she smiles assuring him that she does, she, of all people, knows how deeply pain can be buried. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, she tenderly says, "Talk to me, now, okay?"
Nodding, he takes a deep breath, then points at a girl in the background of the photo and says, "Her name is Tia..."
"This is Tia?" Lindsay says and picks up the photo for a closer look, previously she'd only really looked at Bobby as all of the other faces had been strangers to her.
When she turns back to Bobby, he's looking at her both curiously and upset. Sitting up straight, his arms crossed defensively, he asks, "What... How do you know about Tia?"
"I don't," Lindsay quickly says, "I don't know anything about her."
"You said it like you know something," he challenges.
"I don't," she assures him, they stare at one another a moment, a silent standoff until Lindsay sighs, "Eugene asked me once if I knew who Tia was to you..."
"How does he know?" Bobby asks, rising from his chair agitated.
"Bobby! Calm down, he doesn't know anything, that's why he asked the question."
Bobby stares at her unconvinced, "If he doesn't know anything, why would he even ask that?"
"It's just..." she pauses, unsure if she's about to make the situation worse or not, she has no alternative though, the truth is the only explanation she has. "Bobby, he said that you'd reacted funny to hearing the name, he didn't... he wouldn't tell me when or what happened, it's just... he wondered, if, maybe, it had been your mother's name, that's why he asked."
"It isn't," Bobby says.
"I know that, that's what I told him."
Bobby turns and leans over the railing. Lindsay can see that he's hurting and, as afraid as she is, her protective mode is triggered. Rising she walks to him, runs her hands over his back as she softly says, "It's okay, Bobby, whatever it is, it's okay. I'm here." She wants to say more but, in her confused state of mind, even that had been difficult. Instead of words, she lays her cheek against his back and wraps her arms around his waist, letting her body say what she can't, hoping that it is what he needs to hear.
"You never asked me about it," Bobby eventually says.
"Because I thought that if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."
Bobby sighs and turns around, he takes her hands in his, they hang loosely between them, slowly he raises his eyes to hers, "I just never thought to, Lindsay, that's all. I didn't not want to tell you."
"I know, I understand," she assures him.
"I do want you to know."
Lindsay doesn't have to again say the words, 'tell me,' because the request is obvious in the expression on her face.
Bobby nods, tilts his head back as he takes a deep breath, then slowly begins to speak, "Tia was... she was my best friend, for a long time. We met in junior high and were immediately close. We stayed that way throughout high-school. She knew all my secrets, I didn't have to be anyone when I was with her. She was there for me when Mom was sick, she reassured me after I admitted how afraid I was that I'd lose her, she held me when I cried after Mom died..." he turns back around to face the ocean.
As much as Lindsay wants to hold him again, she waits, knowing how much he needs this moment alone, she looks again at the photo, knowing how isolated Bobby has been for so long, she's thankful that he'd had somewhere to turn during that desolate time and wonders what happened to this girl that he had so relied on.
"We were always there for each other, unconditionally," he eventually says, before turning back to face her, she can see that he is more resolute now as he speaks. "We were inseparable, but we never crossed that line, we were just... just the best of friends."
He looks at her, gauging her reaction. Lindsay nods that she is listening, that she is fine with what she is hearing and is ready for more. Bobby walks over and sits at the table again, he waits for Lindsay to join him. She takes his hand when she does, and waits, silently encouraging him to continue.
"I hated dating... hated it! In school the girls already knew me, we were friends... but at college... I hated it. It wouldn't take long before they'd ask what my father does for a living or about my mom. If I told them the truth about Dad, there'd be some polite comment but I'd see the judgement in their eyes. They didn't even know him but they already thought less of him just because he is a janitor. Or... or with Mom..." Bobby begins shaking his head.
Lindsay can see the residual pain and has to temper the anger that she feels towards the people who have hurt him, knowing that he needs her understanding now more than her outrage.
"When they heard about Mom, I'd suddenly become Poor Bobby, Poor Broken Bobby, who lost his mother too young, and... you just knew that deep-down they were delighted. You could see it in their eyes, here was this broken person that they were going to make whole, I stopped being a person and became a project to them. I was never just Bobby in their eyes after that. I hated it. Hated their pity. Hated that they never tried to see me."
Bobby wipes a tear from Lindsay's cheek as he says, "But Tia... Tia was different. I was always just Bobby to her." His hand cups Lindsay's face as he adds, "And you... you've always seen me too... from day one, I knew that... I knew I could... "
Lindsay smiles, placing her hand over his, she nuzzles against his palm, curious to hear more of his story, she asks, "So, eventually you dated?"
Twisting their fingers so that their hands are now joined, Bobby drops them from Lindsay's face and lets them rest on her lap. "Yeah, she went away during the summer. It was the first time that we'd ever really been apart for longer than a week and I... I missed her so much. I realized then how much I relied on her and that I didn't want to be with anyone else, she was my best friend, the one who made me feel..." he pauses, afraid to continue.
"You loved her," Lindsay says, letting him know that she doesn't have a problem with hearing that.
"I did," he admits, grateful to be able to say so, "Very much." He pauses for a moment, allowing himself to remember the good times, "We got together the day after she arrived home," Bobby smiles at the memory. "I'd been so afraid of how to explain to her what I was feeling, of risking what we had to change it, but the moment that I saw her face I knew that we'd come to the same decision. We took things slow but being together was just so easy. When I think about it now, things between us hardly changed at all, we'd just added something new. The next two years, I was completely happy. I had everything that I wanted."
Bobby reaches out and picks up the photo and hands it to Lindsay. "This party was to celebrate me getting into law school. As excited as I was about that, there was a tinge of disappointment too because Tia was going to be spending the next three years at NYU. We were going to be apart again and I didn't like it." He looks down at the table, now comes the hard part, the part that he knows Lindsay won't take so calmly. Preparing himself to accept whatever reaction she gives, he says, "The night before this party... I asked her to marry me."
"What!" Lindsay says stunned, then hearing the tone of her voice, covers her mouth before asking, softly, "You did?"
"Yeah," Bobby smiles hesitantly, "She said yes. We wanted to keep it between ourselves, but I had to tell my dad, I just forgot to mention that he was the only one we had planned to tell."
Lindsay smiles, wondering if this was an unintentionally deliberate oversight on Bobby's part. She suspects that Bobby would have been proud and desperate to share the news with the world, at least, he had been that way when they'd become engaged. She knows Bobby, once something has been decided then nothing gets in his way, not even a friend who refuses to leave the room; to this day, it still amazes her that Bobby proposed in front of Helen. She's often wondered, was he afraid that if he had waited he would lose his nerve or was it merely that he wanted it now and would wait for no-one.
Looking up, she sees that Bobby is watching her with a look of concern on his face. Smiling she asks him, "So, your dad was happy about it?"
"You could say that," Bobby grins, "Dad was so excited that he made this sign and brought it out in the middle of the party. It actually says, 'Congratulations Tia and Bobby.'"
Lindsay looks more carefully at the photo, Bobby, obviously aware of where she's looking, says, "She doesn't have a ring. I hadn't planned on asking her, it was just a spur of the moment thing. When she said yes I'd wanted us to go out and get one but she said that she didn't need one, she said that I couldn't afford one and she'd wait. The day of the party I went and looked at rings, I realised she had been right, I couldn't afford one, I found one that I wanted to buy though, I worked out if a put some aside each week that I'd be able to give it to her in six months."
"Oh, Bobby," Lindsay says reaching for his hand again, hearing the sorrow in his voice and sensing how difficult this next part will be for him to say.
He doesn't look at her when he says, "I never did give her the ring."
"What happened?"
"About four months later... she came home for a weekend and told me that she didn't want to be engaged anymore."
"She'd found someone else?" Lindsay asks, feeling a touch of anger at Tia for hurting Bobby.
"No, no, I don't think so. She told me that she loved me, she said that one day we'd probably get married but that she was only twenty-one years old and it was too young to have her future already set in stone. She said that she wanted to enjoy college, that she just wanted to be like everyone else, single and free... she didn't want to be tied down yet, didn't want her life already mapped out for her. She said that she didn't want to be living my dream and not hers."
Lindsay nods, unsure what to say or even if he wants to hear anything from her. She can't help understanding how Tia had felt, having herself once feared being trapped in Bobby's dream. What breaks her heart now, is the thought of how difficult it must have been for him to hear those words again. At the time she'd said them to him, she had been surprised by his sudden silence, at the instantaneous loss of his fighting spirit, she now understands why. History had been repeating itself for him, she's almost afraid to hear the rest of his story, for she knows by his demeanor that the worst is yet to come. Raising his hand to her mouth, she gives it a kiss, before saying, "Tell me, it's okay."
Bobby sighs, "I didn't take it well. I was angry at her, I hated being free, I liked the security of knowing exactly where I was in life, of knowing that I had someone to turn to. For as long as I could remember, she'd been there for me and I just couldn't accept that that was going to change. I didn't want change." He pulls away and stands up, begins to pace a little as he says, "I was hurting and I refused to listen to her. I didn't want to hear it so I walked out. It took me a few hours to calm down... after I did, I called and asked her to come over, told her that I needed to talk to her. She didn't want to, she said that she wasn't going to change her mind, that she needed to do this and if she came over we'd probably just end up hurting one another... She was crying, pleading with me to let her go but I couldn't, I wasn't ready..."
Bobby pauses and the regret that Lindsay sees is overwhelming, she's afraid for him and hates seeing him this hurt. She softly calls his name and when he looks up at her she holds her hands out to him. Bobby sighs and walks over to her, he sits back down, taking her hands but looking at the ground. As much as she wishes that she didn't have to ask, she needs to know, so tenderly she says, "Bobby, what happened,?"
Bobby's voice is full of self loathing as he says, "I lied to her. I told her that I understood and that I wasn't going to try and change her mind. I told her that I just didn't want us to part in anger and that if she loved me, as she said she did, she'd want that too. I told her that if we were really still best friends then she'd come see me. She didn't want to come over but I made her. I manipulated her into it and I felt proud of myself when she gave in."
He shakes his head and Lindsay can see the disgust on his down-turned face. As much as she wants to soothe him, she knows that he needs to finish before he'll be able to accept comfort.
"As I waited for her, I plotted on how I'd change her mind but then she never showed up. After two hours of waiting I was fuming and I left the house, I washed my hands of her... I hated her, the things that I thought..." He looks up at Lindsay and she sees the hatred in his eyes but knows that it's directed only at himself.
"I couldn't stand being home and seeing the betrayal, seeing where she should have been, so I left. I met up with some people I knew and ended up at a party. I drowned my sorrows well and truly that night and came crawling home sick-as-a-dog the next morning. I knew... as soon as I saw Dad's face I knew that something was wrong. She never came to see me because she'd been killed on the way over."
Lindsay takes a deep shocked breath, before exclaiming, "Oh, God, Bobby!" She wants to draw him into her arms and take away his pain, but his posture screams stay away.
"She never would have been on the road if I hadn't begged her to come see me."
"You blame yourself?" she says, surprised.
Bobby looks at her as if she's dense; how can she not see that it is all his fault? Rising angrily, he returns to the railing and leans against it, looking at her defiantly he says, "Who else is there to blame? She wanted to leave me, I wouldn't let her and because of that she's dead. If I'd just let her walk away when she wanted to... this never would have happened." His head lowers as he adds, "It never should have happened."
Lindsay looks at his body language; his back is slumped, his arms wrapped protectively around himself and she wonders, is he holding the pain in or keeping her out. Either way, she's not going to let it happen. She rises and walks over to him, removes his arms from around his waist and replaces them with her body, holding him so tightly that, should he try, he could not pry her away. Although his arms hang loosely by his side, he accepts her need to embrace him and makes no attempt to push her away.
Eventually a hand raises and caresses the back of her head, as he says, "I never wanted to hurt you."
Lindsay pulls away enough to allow her eyes to meet his, "Knowing who you are is ~never~ going to hurt me. Bobby, this actually makes a lot of things more understandable."
As his hands move to frame her face, he says, "I never asked anyone to stay after that, if they said that it was over it was over. Losing her had hurt so much that I swore I'd never let anyone get that close to me again. I kept myself distant, I tried to protect myself but... but then I met you." He smiles a little, his eyes are still full of tears but she sees gratitude mixed in with the sorrow. "I fought against wanting you, Lindsay. I resisted it as long as I could but you kept breaking through my walls."
Lindsay smiles at him, letting him know that it had been the same for her, that what they have together is stronger than they are, that nothing, not even them, can keep them apart.
Bobby's thumbs caress Lindsay's cheeks as he says, "Even though I'd been so careful, I almost lost you and it hurt. I knew that I'd been lying to myself... that you meant so much more to me than I'd ever let myself admit. I realized that holding back wasn't going to protect me from pain, it was just going to make losing you even worse... if I'd lost you, before I'd ever told you how much you mean to me... if you'd never known how I feel about you... that was a regret that I couldn't live with. You are my life and I needed you to know that. I sat there by your bed telling myself that the moment you woke up you'd know... but I was so afraid that I wouldn't do it, so afraid that I'd hurt you too..."
Lindsay draws his hand to her mouth, kissing his palm and commanding his eyes to see the truth in hers as she assures him, "I did know Bobby, I saw it in your face. I remember being confused and disorientated when I woke up until I focussed on you."
He smiles as he nods, then laying his head on her shoulder, his arms embrace her, he holds on tight and she feels the heat of his breath against her neck. Soon his lips press there and then, with a sigh, he says, "I'm sorry that I proposed then, I never thought about how it would make you feel, I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and needed you to know that."
"I'm not sorry," Lindsay tells him, caressing the back of his neck.
Bobby raises up and looks at her, "You..."
"No, I know what I said to you, but... I was scared then, Bobby." Lindsay's hands leave him as she moves to stand beside him.
Eager to retain their connection, Bobby's body turns to face her, his leg bends towards her, his knee resting against her leg, his hand sliding along the railing to lay behind her back.
To look at, he appears ready to engulf her, but Lindsay doesn't look at him, she looks ahead as she speaks. "You hadn't... we hadn't really talked since you'd proposed. You hadn't opened up again... and... I was afraid of the lengths that I'd have to go to get you to let me back in. I was afraid that it was only fear that had made you ask and that it wasn't what you really wanted." Turning to look at him again, she says, "I was afraid that I'd trapped you into a marriage that you didn't really want to be in and that's why you'd pulled away."
"Lindsay! Trapped? No! I want to be married, this is what I want, I want to marry you, I want you. I do!"
"Bobby, I do know that now," she assures him, "That's why I can see the beauty in your proposal again. I wouldn't change it for the world now, Bobby, it was beautiful."
Bobby looks at her, she sees the question in his eyes and she nods letting him know that she doesn't doubt his love, doesn't doubt that he's marrying her because it is his heart's desire. His eyes close in relief and Lindsay lets him just recoup for a moment before she speaks again.
Leaning towards him and running her hand over his chest, she says, "You said that you never asked anyone to stay after Tia, but, Bobby, you came after me." She looks up into his eyes, "I'd watched you give up on people before. I guess, in a way, I'd even been one of them, because the last time you did let me walk away, no questions asked. You didn't chase me, you didn't chase Helen when she left either, I'd seen you give up on happiness without a fight, time and again... So, when I left, I didn't expect you to come for me, I was afraid to hope that you would, terrified of what I would do if you did and how I would cope if you didn't. I know that I walked away... but I can't in all honesty say that in my heart it was forever... that I wasn't just acting out... that, eventually, with a clearer head, I wouldn't have returned."
Bobby is silent but his hands reach for her, holding her waist, ready to draw her to him when the words that she's struggling to say have been expressed.
"God, Bobby, knowing now how hard it must have been for you to come after me," she shakes her head as tears fall, "I... Bobby, I..." she sighs and hugs him tight, giving up on any words other than, "Thank you."
Holding her close, he whispers, "I wanted to follow you that night but I was too scared." He feels her nod against him and knows that she understands now why he'd been so scared. He knows there's more that she needs to know, so, a little louder this time, he says, "The next day was a blur, I just wanted to see you again but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I sat there brooding, trying to hate you, trying to be angry at you and failing miserably. No one came near me, I could see it in their eyes, though, they blamed me and were furious that I was doing nothing to get you to come back."
When he feels her pull away, he quickly speaks before she can interrupt, "I was angry at me too, Lindsay. I was angrier at me than anyone else ever could be. I knew that I had lost you and only had myself to blame. Helen came to me and, as much as I tried not to listen, she said something that stuck, she said that you'd find someone better but that I never would."
"Bobby..." she says raising her hand to his face but he shakes her off.
"No, no, I knew that she was right. I knew that for me it was you or no one. I could never find someone better but she was right, you could. I decided that I wanted you to do what was right for you. If it was me, great, if not... I'd learn to live with it, I owed you that much."
"Bobby, no..."
"I just wanted you to be happy, I could be happy if I knew that you were, but I wanted you to know how I felt before you made your choice. When I came to see you, I wasn't even sure what I was going to say. I told myself that I wasn't there to ask you to come back, I was just going to tell you how I felt, let you know that I wanted you, us, and then leave it up to you. I just needed you to know that I loved you. That's all I meant to say but... but then you were there and I was faced with the prospect of walking away from you and not knowing if I'd ever see you again... As terrifying as asking you to come back was, not asking, leaving without you... living without you... I couldn't do it... I knew... I knew that I had to try and get you to... I couldn't leave without you, I couldn't... I didn't want to be without you... I had to fight because I couldn't give up on an us..."
"And you didn't, Bobby, you didn't."
"It took me too long to come to you..."
"No, no, Bobby, you needed to be ready, you came to me when you were ready... You took as long as you needed," she draws his face towards hers, rests their foreheads together as her arms wrap around his shoulders, caressing and soothing, "I needed to be ready to hear you too, your timing was perfect."
"Really?" Bobby asks, having always felt like he'd betrayed her by taking so long to do it, that he'd fueled her insecurities with the delay.
"We're here now, we're together, remember that, Bobby, we're here now."
His arms embrace her, pulling her body tightly against his, Lindsay feels, in them, the desperation that he'd felt when she left him and whispers to him, reminding him that she has returned and intends to stay. When she feels his grip begin to ease, she pulls away enough to take his hand and lead him back to the chairs. Their hands remain joined as they sit opposite one another. Bobby looks down at their hands, concentrating on the slender beauty of the fingers entwined with his, Lindsay watches him as she comes to terms with all that she has just learnt.
Lindsay suddenly looks away and, sensing her movement, Bobby looks up and notices a shaken expression on her face. "What is it?" he asks, concerned.
"I just... I never..." she shakes her head and looks at him, "You could have been married. When I met you... if I met you..." she keeps shaking her head, unable to fathom the thought of her life without him in it, at the possibility that his circumstances may have been so different that they'd never meet. She hates herself that she can't help but be relieved that another has died, that Bobby had experienced such a traumatic event, guaranteeing their future together. What sort of person could feel like that? She's horrified by what it says about her, repulsed by her selfishness but unable to quash the gratitude.
Bobby looks at her with fear in his eyes as he says, "I wanted to marry Tia and it... it probably would have been happily-ever-after, at least for me, but Lindsay that's because I wouldn't have known what I was missing, how incredible it could be. You're more... there was a time that I didn't believe more was possible but... you mean more to me than she ever did." Looking at her he sees her struggling, he knows that she wants to delight in his words but something is holding her back. He senses he knows what it might be. "Lindsay, I loved her... but that was at a time when I didn't really know what love was. She was right, we were too young, too inexperienced to be cementing our lives. I loved her because she was safe, because she'd always been there... I'll always regret what happened, I'll never forgive myself for it but, Lindsay, what I will never regret is that it allowed me to find you. As much as I hate myself for it, a part of me cannot help but be glad that I am free to be with you... that I found you... and that because of you I've learned what love really is."
Lindsay lets out a quick breath as her hand rises to wipe the tears escaping from her eyes, "I found you, Bobby," she says, trying for a light teasing tone but it fails when her voice catches on his name, she adds in a whisper, "I'm the one who came to your door."
Bobby looks up at Lindsay, his eyes watch her as hers roam over his face. He knows that she's trying to determine his mood and what she should do, what she should say to make it better for him. He knows, too, that her own emotions are surging, but, typically, she's pushing them aside to be there for him. This is one of the many reasons why he loves her so much, why he admires her, looks up to her and aspires to be more like her.
"Bobby, I..." she begins but his hand moves to her cheek. The action so unexpected that it silences her as she leans into the comfort offered.
"There was a baby," Bobby whispers.
Lindsay feels her stomach drop with the implications of those words, "You... you and Tia... had...?" she stammers, surprised by the pain that the idea causes.
"No!" he assures her, "No, a case, Eugene and I... there was a baby, a teenage mother and... the baby was killed... her name was Tia... and..." he looks up, "I needed you, I did something... something that I shouldn't have but I had to... her name was Tia... I couldn't do nothing... I needed you, I needed you to hold me and tell me that it was okay... I needed your eyes - eyes that didn't hold censure or contempt... I wanted you so much but I... I didn't know how to... when you called, I said that I was tired, that it had been a long day and I needed sleep... it was, it was true, but I needed you more... I just, we were so new and... it was... I just didn't know how to ask... how to tell you..."
With the slightest of tugs she pulls him into her arms, he kneels before her chair, sinking into her embrace. It's twelve months later but the relief is finally there for him, this is what he'd needed, only she can make things right.
"Never again," Lindsay whispers, resting her cheek on his head. She feels him shake his head, promising that it will be so. "When you hurt, Bobby, you come to me," she adds, running her hand over the back of his neck, soothing the tension in his shoulders. "Please, you don't have to explain, if it's too much, just... just come to me, just don't hurt alone."
"I won't," he says, drawing away, looking up at her as he moves back to his seat. Their hands cling to each other, holding as tight as their gazes do. "Thank you," he says softly.
"For?" she asks, curiously.
"Rescuing me," he replies and smiles at her surprised expression, "for coming into my life, Lindsay. For being you and being here, for putting up with me... for being you..."
"You said that already," she grins
"Well, it deserves to be repeated," he states categorically.
They smile at one another, Lindsay feels a little self conscious under his gaze; she isn't used to him talking this way, to sharing so freely and, as much as she loves that he has, it's unnerving. Looking at him, she sees uncertainty in his eyes too. They're almost asking her, 'What are we doing here, Lindsay? This isn't us.' He's right, it isn't them but it could be if they learn not to fight it, if they learn to open up. Determined to make the most of this all-too-rare opportunity, she looks at him and decisively says, "Thank you."
He smiles and nods, allowing his hand to drop away, he turns to stare out at the ocean. After a long pause, he looks back at her. She'd watched him the whole time and, as if he knew it, as if he could read her thoughts, he raises his eyebrows and says, "Wow!"
"I know," she smiles, "It feels weird but this is good, Bobby."
"Yeah, it is!" He pauses for a moment, then concern crosses his face as he asks, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, are you?"
He nods and again looks away, this time Lindsay does as well, giving Bobby the privacy to think without being under her scrutiny. They sit in silence until, simultaneously, they turn and call each others names. They laugh at themselves and Lindsay brushes his arm with her hand, indicating that he should go first.
"I was just going to say that I might go and take a shower."
"Well that saves me from having to say that you smell," she replies.
Bobby laughs, then leans over to kiss her, before rising and walking inside. Lindsay breathes a sigh of relief when she is alone. She'd felt that they needed a break from each other, that they needed some time alone to process what had just happened between them and what had just been said. She'd been struggling with how to tell him this without leaving him the impression that she was running from him again. She hadn't been sure how'd she'd make him see that she isn't hurt or angry, that she isn't suffering in any way except that she feels a little overloaded. Thankfully, he found the solution for her.
Lindsay closes her eyes as she replays his words; she allows all that she now knows of him to explain the many questions that she's had in the past. She hadn't been lying when she told him that it made a lot of things more understandable. She can see who he is a lot more clearly now and feels a lot of the doubts that she has had about him, about them, washing away. He's a flawed canvas but she knows now what his weaknesses are and can work around them without causing him to fray. They can do this, together. They can do anything as long as they're working together and, for the first time, she truly feels that they are. They are on the same page for the first time in a long time and the anticipation of what they can achieve now fills her heart.
Hearing the shower switch off, Lindsay rises with a deep sigh and begins clearing away their breakfast dishes. As she enters the kitchen, she sees their beleaguered food source; their welcome-basket of goodies certainly won't see them through too many more meals. Trust in a man to organise a holiday without once giving consideration to food; for Bobby, food just appears magically on the table and if the cupboards are bare, there's always a takeout menu handy. When she hears him enter the kitchen, she says, "We need to go grocery shopping."
"Ooh, yay," he cheers and she turns and grins at him.
"It's either that or starve, Bobby."
"Tough choice," he replies. In answer to her aggrieved look he relents and says, "I'm ready when you are."
~~~~~
As they exit the grocery store, Lindsay looks longingly at the craft market set up in the green down the street. If Helen were here, they'd have a wonderful time slowly perusing the aisles. She's tried market shopping with Bobby but he treats it like a foot-race; speeding through the aisles, he's usually finished in under twenty minutes, while she hurries almost breathlessly behind him, barely seeing a thing. It would be pointless going over there with him, but, oh, how she wants to wander through its wares. She can't remember the last time she had a lazy leisurely shopping trip and she really, really, really wants to go over there now.
With a sigh, she turns and walks towards their car, only once looking over her shoulder with regret. Having placed the grocery bags that she'd carried into the car, she moves to the front passenger door only to have her path blocked by Bobby. Looking up at him, she asks, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I was just thinking, why don't I run these back to the house, while you go check out that market and I'll come back and get you when I'm done."
Stunned at the offer, Lindsay says, "No, it's okay, you don't have to."
"I know I don't ~have~ to, I ~want~ to! Go on, you know you want to."
Lindsay smiles, unable to deny that she does, "Are you sure?" she asks, giving him one last chance to change his mind, terrified that he may.
Laughing at her, Bobby says, "I can survive five minutes without you," he turns her around and gives her a helpful push in the right direction, as he orders, "Go!"
"Fine, don't miss me too much," she says walking away.
"I'll try not too," he calls out to her.
Lindsay stops and turns around, "Bobby, I'll owe you one."
"You bet you do," he leers, when she stands there grinning and making no move to leave, he laughs and says, "Go already!" He smiles as he walks to the drivers side of the car.
"You're not just trying to get rid of me are you?" she teases.
"Damn, you're on to me," he replies, leaning his arms on the roof of the car and watching her.
They stare at one another, no more words are exchanged, but a lot is said in looks instead. In total synchronisity, they smile at one another, nod and turn simultaneously, knowing that, though they are parting, they will soon come together again to continue this wonderful day. Lindsay sighs happily, as she walks towards the market her thoughts are centered on the man who has just driven away, she thinks of all that she has learned about him and makes plans to show her gratitude when they are again together. She looks through the stalls, seeking the perfect gift, one that will make him smile and his eyes sparkle with delight, one that will have his hands reaching for her and his laughter ringing in her ears. She doesn't know what it will be yet but she'll know it when she finds it.
~~~~~~~
To be continued
Nag me
