Here I will place reviews....because my opinion is vastly superior to some
paid jackass who thinks they know anything about what REALLY matters in
games. I mean, no damn review that I ever read in an EGM ever said,
"Don't get this game, they bleeped over sound effects, took out skanky
frames of animation, and homified the box art for you bastard Americans!"
It's because of that shit that I wanted to make a honest, reliable review
of the 'best games' out there.
My take on ESP Galuda
All I can say about this import shooter can be summed up in one word: WOW.
Fucking WOW! This game is so damn awesome, and I've played my share of
shooters. What many developers forget about is that aside from the shooter
crap, there needs to be GOOD MUSIC. Nothing can make a decent shooter game
suck more than having crap music. ESP Galuda does not dissapoint, because
it brings some badass technostyle music to each of the stages (I think
there were 6 or so). It's got great bullet patterns, some of which I think
are a little too insane, but that's what bombs are for, and the bomb
system is kinda weird too. You shoot enemies and they explode into
crystals. You collect enuff crystals for a timed 'shield' that absorbs
bullets and then blasts them all back in one huge beam. The amount of time
you can use this shield and the length of the blast back depends on these
crystals. There is another use for the crystals where you can use them to
enter an alternate... dimension I guess would be the word, where the
bullets are slow and less numerous. You can use this instead of a bomb to
get out of a tight spot, and when you kill the enemy their bullets also
dissapear with them. So no matter what you gotta kill as much crap to get
crystals to save up for these life saving measures. It makes for one damn
good shooter game. Best I've played since Radiant Silvergun. Rating =
better than the game you're playing.
My take on Tekken 5
At first, I wondered what the hell was wrong with the game, because some
weird shooter loads as soon as you boot up, after that, you get one badass
cinema, that no preview site had the latter part of. Then I played a few
rounds and wondered what was strange about it....the graphics looked
funny. Cartoony even. They redid the entire fucking graphics engine. I
personally think that Tekken Tag or 4 looked better, but this one
definitely has superior stages. They crumble, glow, etc. and it's very
impressive, especially the final stage with all the crap going on. Every
character has an excellently rendered ending. With the costumes and
artwork and some of these endings... I swear they added a bunch of gay men
to the staff, there is a lot of homosexual innuendo this time around. I
mean, when the hell did Bruce Irvin(g) become so gay looking? Wtf is up
with Lee's ending? And they've added more humor that was present in Tekken
3, which had that goofy bowling nonsense, Gon, dancing bears and crap like
that, this one has some crazy shit, too. I suppose the most annoying
thing is that I have to manually turn on progressive scan in the options
all the time, and in widescreen mode the characters look disproportionally
large for the screen. Anyway, the more I play it, the better it looks, and
the gameplay is the same as always-damn good. And Tekken 1, 2, 3 are
included on the disc for good measure. It gets a score of GOOD.
My take on GTA: San Andreas
Stupid people get stuff like San Andreas. I
give it a 2.0, because all you do is run around doing their stupid
missions they toss your way, all the while acting the fool. Fucking sluts
and killing people is fun for only so long before it gets old fast, and
you notice that the game looks like crap and does NOT deserve anywhere
near over a 9.0 like other sites rate this and other shitty games at.
My take on Halo
The first Halo. Halo 1 blows. It's like running through the same stupid
ass rat maze to the next. And the textures repeat, and the map repeats,
and it's just all drawn out and it feels like you just walked down the
same corridor over and over until the end of the game. Fun, just like
eating shit repeatedly. I give it a score of UTTER SHIT.
My take on Prince of Persia: Warrior Within
I had the opportunity to play some Prince of Persia Warrior Within last
night, and well, I wasn't that impressed. It's just like the first one,
only with more slutty sluts, redudant combat, which is actually more
repetitive than the first, because all you have to do is block longer and
attack more, what with the amazing, intuitive, hyper-sonic mega combo
system. It's stupid. Graphically...even on the damn xbox looks like the
same strangely blurry crap with the occasional dramatic drop in
framerate. Plus, I can't help but notice the camera seems
wayyyyy off. I mean, not only does it suffer from some sort of
wierd tunnel isometric vision, but I had it get stuck behind a
wall twice in the middle of the very first fights of the game. It just
seems like Ubisoft was trying much too hard to pump out a sequel to a game
that sold well, whether than consider if they can actually do a good job
of a follow up. I give it a 5.1, for average + decent voice acting.
My take on Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
MGS3 is ok, but it'd be better if the camera wasn't top-down, and if
'moving the camera' didn't mean shifting 10 degrees to the left or right.
The controls for the CQC blows. Who the hell can press the O button all
the way, then immediately half-way release it, then hold R1, and aim and
press Square all while still holding that stupid O half-way? That is
the WORST possible control scheme. They should make...L2 or something to
hold them without killing them. The people who come up with such
obvious idiotic decisions like that should be fired. Then flogged
by angry gamers. And puked on by Snake. Other than the wonky
camera/controls, the game has a decent plot, interesting boss battles and
the same insanely irritating enemy AI. And you can make Snake puke. That
in itself gives another .5 to the score. It earns a 7.5 for above average
with shitty controls.
***EDIT: This just in: they are remaking the fucking game, just like they
did with MGS2. FUCKERS!!! Making us buy updated versions which they should
have incorporated in the original. New camera THIS time!?! FUCK
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU******* New score: -5
