This document should be read in conjunction with Gender Dysphoria. Transsexualism is the underlying condition from, which comes the desire to "change sex". Gender Dysphoria is the symptom and is treated as a medical issue. A commonly used term today is Gender Identity Disorder.

At the heart of the problem, is the failure to recognize or understand the true nature of Gender Dysphoria, how it originates, and how it seems to take over the affected person. Gender Dysphoria is truly a lifetime condition. No one in their right mind would wish to acquire it. In fact, to the unaffected, it is one of the most difficult of all human conditions to understand, as it appears to defy logic. In addition, it does not respond to any form of persuasion that it should leave the affected person. To the transsexual, the only permanent relief or satisfaction is after it has been dealt with by the usual combination of psychiatric therapy, counseling, and hormone therapy and in some cases, surgical intervention.

For the emerging transsexual, there is probably no area of hostility more devastating in its consequences within a family, than that created by the presence of the gender dysphoria condition. With gender dysphoria it sets in motion so many confusing emotional issues that some can simply not handle it. Fortunate indeed, is the transsexual who finds that a united family backs them, but it is only rarely that such complete unanimity is found. A family often divides along factional lines according to the several elements from which it is made up.

To many spouses the shock of finding out that their partner is a Transsexual is very traumatic. The couple may have been married for many years with the Transsexual keeping this secret deeply hidden within themselves. Only acting upon these feelings when they feel secure and the spouse is not present. Fear of rejection and ridicule are common reasons why the transsexual may live a secret second life. With aging, the need to fulfill the transition may become much more demanding, with the Transsexual finally disclosing their needs to their spouse.

With this disclosure, the spouse may feel that they have been deceived and betrayed, and they may respond with anger and bitterness. The spouse may use such words as "selfish, thoughtless, irresponsible" and worse. A true understanding of the condition will reveal that accusations of selfishness and irresponsibility are more than likely not true. Survival of the affected individual is often at the root of the intense need to deal with this condition. It is well understood that a marriage or relationship must be affected in some measure, no matter how constructive and mutually supportive both parties are.

It is hard for the spouse to realize the relief from the torment and aggravation, which many transsexuals commonly go through with the final revelation to their spouse. Even with the fear of losing everything that is at stake; i.e... family, relationships, career, social position, personal wealth, and they can not continue to live their lives as they have in the past.

The spouse must now decide if they wish to continue in the relationship with the Transsexual, weighing their own emotional and physical needs. There are pros and cons to the decision and it must be thoroughly thought out before reaching a decision. (Never make this decision in haste or anger but take time after the initial shock to think about it.)

On the positive side of maintaining the relationship, are the years spent together, sharing experiences both good and bad. This history may have forged emotional and physical bonds that can survive the ordeal that lay ahead for them. For any relationship to continue and grow there must be total honesty and disclosure between both spouses. This is even more important after the Spouse has decided to participate in the Transsexual's transition. Doubts, concerns and support must be discussed on a continuing basis so that the spouse will feel a part of the process and that they have some control of the situation. The complete transition may be shared in whatever way the spouse feels comfortable.

On the negative side is the discrimination and contempt felt by a percentage of the population and by friends and family members that may be directed towards the spouse and the Transsexual. Also with the Gender Reassignment Surgery the spouse will be living with another female and sexual fulfillment may not be satisfactory to the spouse, who may desire a male/female physical relationship. Additionally, after the surgery, the perception from some people will be that of a "Lesbian or Homosexual" relationship between the couple.

Remember that this a medical condition and should be treated as such. Transsexual couples can lead a normal, love filled relationship with their families and friends.

If the spouse expresses support for the transsexual partner this will be more likely to influence the children and others in their positive support. If on the other hand, the spouse has a strong reaction against the transsexual partner, the opposite will more than likely be true. Vehement, aggressive rejection helps no one. It disturbs the children to the point when their world can be shattered. It destroys any basis for an ongoing relationship of any worthwhile sort between the parents. Even though it is recognized that the spouse usually regards him/herself as the greatest loser with his/her investment in the marriage and all it means being either debased or destroyed, this is the extreme position. The fact that many couples continue with a sound and meaningful, if altered relationship, is proof that it can be done without destroying everything else in the process.

When genuine unity can be demonstrated between the parents, it is also more likely that other family members will be affected positively. After all, it is the immediate family of the transsexual spouse who has the most to lose through broken relationships and the most to gain by demonstrating unity. The further one moves from the center of the family, the less important the "transsexual" situation should be to relatives.

For the children this is a very perplexing time and it can be made a lot worse if the parents are fighting openly over the issues. If on the other hand the issues can be discussed in a quiet sane manner, family upheaval will be reduced and possibly even eliminated. Naturally, things are unlikely to ever be the same again, but if this is recognized constructively, then there can be a better than even chance that a sensible accommodation can be worked out which will help the transsexual parent, the other parent and the children of the marriage.

In reality, the children of a marriage are unlikely to see gender change in a parent in exactly the same way. They have issues to contend with which, while they often parallel those of the parents tend also to carry different priorities for them. Some might include the following:

- Dad is going to become a second Mom. As a boy, can I handle it given that his masculine image has been a role model for me?

- Dad and I used to do "men" things. That may change and leave a void in my life. Who will I have to go to the game with?

- Who will be there to back me up when I have to deal with male issues?

- Dad is going to become a second Mom. As a girl can I handle it given that his masculine image always represented a source of strength for me?

- Mom wants to be a man. It simply grosses me out to think of that gentlewoman with a beard, a coarse skin and acne spots.

- Mom wants to be a man. Can I confide in her when it comes to female things?

- As a girl, when I get married, who will be there to give me away? Who will be there for me when I have my baby?

- Having two Dads at the bedside doesn't feel right.

- Can I stand having a father around who is going to be more interested in make-up and fashions and pretending now to be a woman?

- What will my friends think? Will Bob or Jane reject me?

- How do I tell my friends and will I become an outcast of some sort?

- Will they think that I'm likely to catch the same "disease" and will it be contagious and thus affect them?

- Who will want to have anything to do with a family that has a freak among us?

Some of the fears expressed above can be needlessly built up to take on very vicious forms and thus are magnified beyond reason by overactive worried imaginations. The questions set out above are seldom exceeded in reality. Providing answers requires a high degree of sensitivity backed by suitable and correct knowledge.

When people such as friends and more distant relatives receive a proper explanation setting out the truth of the situation, they often find that they can modify their response to the extent that they realize it is none of their business and the matter does not really affect them. That alone helps them more readily accept the situation. Even though this can and does happen, there may remain a sort of standoff acceptance on the face of things, but a quiet unstated rejection underneath which may allow only a very conditional relationship to continue. Fortunately no one can control how others think, no matter how hard they try, and in spite of every fear to the contrary, some people can be and are surprisingly supportive. But education and a full and honest explanation are usually the only answer in bringing people around to a better understanding of the subject. Unfortunately there is no suitable answer to rigid, uncompromising rejection. At this point one has to recognize that only time and an open attitude on the part of the transsexual person may get through and bring about a change of attitude. Failing that and after all alternatives have been investigated one should recognize that persuading the out-and-out rejecter is a waste of time, energy and emotions. This is their problem and not yours. It is only at this point that one should be prepared to write off the relationship.