Searching: Making The Call

© 1996, 1997 Lark Ritchie.
Back to Main Page... Support Groups... The Adoption/Post Adoption Experience... Birthfathers and Searching... An Adoptee's First Contact Search Strategy

Sometimes you may have found a name of someone who may be the person you are looking for; a bomom, or bdad... Then you face the problem of "How do I make that call?" There are several strategies. This one assumes a telephone call. One of the key thoughts to keep in mind is that if you have searched through regular channels, and have not found the person, then maybe that person (especially a bparent) may have a problem with being found...

Having such a consideration, also requires a method to introduce that person to what is actually happening at the moment of the call... Here is some variations on this theme...

An Adoptee's First Contact Search Strategy

Note: I have assumed for this example, that the person being contacted is a bomom... the same scenarios could be modified for a bdad... I have also made an assumption that you are a woman named "Mary", and that you are married... (If not, just switch "Hubby" for "Close Friend", or "Spouse"

One last thing.. these are only examples... you may find better ones, depending on circumstances...

ONE..

Have your husband make the call, and ask a number of questions like "My name is (hubby) looking for a Mrs. Yxxxx, who (use non identiying info and any locations that might be appropriate) and I am wondering if that is you (or 'her' if someone else answers)... If the response is not definite, add a little more info if you have it... If you get a negative response, then also add a bit more info, and ask if this new info rings any bells... (Now comes the tough part...) On a no, then ask two things... One... "The reason I am looking is that I am a person that I knew her several years ago, and I was thinking of her, and wanted to get in touch with her again... Is there any chance that someone in your circle of friends or relatives might know this person?" and Two, Ask that your number be taken down 'just in case the person on the phone might remember something later." Thank them, and continue searching...

On a "Yes",
I would start gently, depending on the case... If someone other than the one being sought, ask that you might get the number where she could be reached... and a close friend's number also.. (see last bit of my message..)

If the actual person, start with something like.... " My (wife/feiend), "Mary", met a (her Name) a very long time ago, and she made quite an impression on her, and I thought it would be nice for "Mary" to talk to with her again.... she was someone who helped "Mary's" mom & dad out back in the (forties/fifties/sixties, whatever your birth year was)... they are (deceased/still around) but "Mary" thought it would be nice to talk to her again, and I am wondering if you might be that (Her Name)? Let that sink in, being quiet on your end of the phone... Let her start to ponder, and ask some questions if that happens... (She might suggest some events... and you can respond with a 'yes' or 'no, not that thing." and add a bit more info that is NOT about the actual birth, more like location, where you lived... your a family description, etc.) THEN... Interupt her, and ask, "Oh! by the way, We had so much trouble finding you.... If you are out, is there a friends number that I could have to leave a message for you...? (GET IT THEN!!! Write it down...!) Then, apologize, and restate her last bit of conversation, with something like "Oh! I'm sorry, you were saying (whatever) please tell me about that...?" It is best to get that info through an interuption, because she might be less guarded then... a nasty strategy, but use only for GOOD purposes...)

You may get an affirmation here, or you may find that even though the name is the same, it is not the right person... on a no, do the same as above.. (reason, and number for future..)

On an affirmation, then talk about your afamily in general terms, but not about birth... give her time to come to who "Mary" might be... (and I am assuming that this is all your hubby talking...)

If she suggests that it might be related to adoption, then, slowly affirm that this is the case, and that although this might be emotional, that "Mary" would like to speak with her... and tell her that "Mary" is with you now... and would she like to speak now, or have some time to think about it... Then RESPECT her wish...

She may need some time... if she does, say you will call back in two days at a specific time (specify her time zone, if it is different that yours...) and be very precise about making that second call.... in fact, a few minutes early, but not a half hour early...) Then have hubby 'small talk it' for a minute or two, reviewing who he is, asking how she is, and that she had permitted him to call again, and that has she thought about it... Give her time to respond, explain, or whatever she has to do.... (Be a good listener) then ask if she would like to talk to "Mary" ....if yes... let it happen on her terms... give the phone to "Mary" ....be there... but be (as Elemer Fudd says,) 'vewwy' quiet.... let them interact ("Mary" & bmom)

TWO:

A similar thing, but you do the call yourself...

THREE:

If it is her, but she is very emotional, ask to get the number of a close friend of hers that you might talk to as an intermediary, or that you could contact, if you had problems contacting her... or that she could share this with, and you could later talk with to make things easier...

FOUR:

Some Variation on these scenarios that you feel comfortable with....

P.S.

Also take some time (and I am sure that you have thought about this..) to prepare to find that she might no longer be with us... that she may have passed away... I know that is not a nice thing to consider, but knowing a bit about how you would handle this is worth considering... or the fact that even if she is the correct person, she may not be able to bring herself to have contact with you because of her value system... and if that happens, just say thanks for talking with me... I will call you again in a month, after you have had some time to think on this, but for now, thanks for talking with me... We just wanted you to know that "Mary" is well, and thinks about you often... If she counters with don't phone back, do not respond to this, just ignore it, and say thanks, we'll talk with you later, bye for now.... Then let the month happen...

HINTS:

Try to get much of the info down on paper (like close friend, etc...) in the first part of the conversation so that you can do some talking and backpedalling if need be later..)

Practice this type of conversation a few times if you are not comfortable with this style... suggestions.... call the local butcher at the shopping mall after four o'clock.. they are usually off work at that time.. and if you get him, just order a couple of 'specially cut steaks... inch thinks or so... - might as well treat yourself for the practice...)

Whatcha Tink? -- -- Eh?

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