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The question that needs to be asked here is this: just how much schlock can be packed into one show?
The answer? More than you would probably believe possible.
Picture this: the year is 1999 and the world has been sending its nuclear waste to special dumps on the moon for years. Without warning, a mysterious accident causes an explosion of such terrific force that it blasts the moon from its orbit and sends it off into interstellar space. For the next two seasons, we'll follow the adventures of the personnel (314 people) of Moon Base Alpha as they explore strange new worlds, wrestle strange alien life forms, and generally screw things up wherever they go.
What, you mean they're still alive?
Yup.
The sudden acceleration produced by an explosion so incredible that the moon flew off into space didn't turn them into a thin red paste on the floors of their base (never mind that their base should probably have been crushed)?
No. It just squished them against said floors for a few seconds until the acceleration wore off. Then, aside from a little bit of broken glass and a few equipment issues, everything was pretty much hunkey-dorey.
And what do you mean "strange new worlds"? Jupiter? Saturn?
Well, no. You see, being flung out into interstellar space, they eventually started to pass by other worlds orbiting other stars. Usually pretty close, too, just to stretch probability a bit.
Get off it. How fast were they traveling?
Well, they never actually say, but one has to assume at relativistic velocities in order to reach other stars while there's someone still alive on the base, right? And Commander Koenig does say in one particularly horrible episode that they've been in space for months and that's generations back on Earth. But then their ships (called Eagles which they seem to blow up an awful lot of - usually at least one per episode) can speed ahead to some non-relativistic speeding world, land, hang out with some aliens, and then catch up before the moon gets away.
The magic of television, I guess.
I suppose. But in addition to really bad basic science, the magic of television in this case brought us some of the worst moments in SF TV. Soap bubbles that could break windows. Aliens shaped like giant mounds of spaghetti. Professional wrestlers who moonlight as aliens - geez, those funky laser pistols on your belts have stun settings, why not use them once in a while?
Now, the population of the base was 314 persons, if I recall correctly, so no one was allowed to have children because their resources were too thin. Yet they managed to kill off at least one person per episode over two seasons, leaving them with fifty or so open spots. Hmm.
And if their resources are so low all of the time, how do they keep building new Eagles to replace the ones that get blown up every episode? Where do they get the materials and manpower? Where do they get all of the titanium that they need? Pronounce it tit-anium with a short 'i' in tit.
Now let's stretch things just a little bit more. We decide that we don't like the master control room, so in between the first and second seasons, we're going to completely remodel it and lower the light level to give things a darker, grimmer feel. What the hell? Is there an interior designer on the base?
And some of the main characters just weren't working out, so let's get rid of them and introduce two new ones out of thin air. First, an alien babe with bizarre round dots of hair for eyebrows who can make sideburns look sexy. And as her partner/love interest/soul mate, a good looking young man who also happens to be Koenig's second in command? Fhat the Wuck?
Come on, do they really think that we're that stupid?
Now, there was a funky disco theme song and the laser pistols were neat. Things blew up a lot which is always fun even if there are no other redeeming qualities to the show (and there aren't many in this case). Bell bottoms on the uniforms? Did they think that the seventies were going to last forever?
And somehow, lunar gravity outside became earth normal inside the base. Helmets that popped open in vacuum during wrestling matches on the lunar surface. And those neat little remote controls they carried just to open doors. Well, they did have tiny black and white TVs in them so you could see who you were talking to.
This show also proved to us once again that certain people direct puppets better than actors and that some people shouldn't write not just science fiction, but at all.
Yet, if I come across it, I'll watch for a few minutes. Must be that rubber-necker on the highway not being able to look away from a bad accident thing.
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Page last updated: 23 Apr 2003.