*****

The lab was silent. There wasn't a sound, not even the
ticking of a clock. Remy sat in the bed, his right leg
pulled up to his chest. There was nothing to distract
him from the pounding of his heart, his panicked
breaths and the voice that seemed to be screaming in
his head.

...problem with your x-ray...

He started rocking back and forth, ignoring the stabs
of sharp pain that it caused.

...not healing properly...need more surgery...

He dropped his head to his knee, why couldn't anything
ever go his way? What kind of sick joke was it that he
was even born?

...probably have to re-break the bones...very long
recovery...

He looked around the large, silent lab. No one else
was there but then they wouldn't give a damn if they
were.

...I'm sorry Remy, you probably won't be able to
rejoin the team...

" Dieu, how much more I gotta take," Silence answered
him. "WHAT D' Y' WANT FROM ME?!!" His scream echoed in
the cavernous lab as he cried out against whatever was
out there that found such pleasure in watching him
suffer. In a defeated whisper he asked again, "what do
you want..."

The lab was silent. There wasn't a sound, not even the
ticking of a clock...

*****

Logan and Ro turned shocked eyes toward the doctor as
he finished telling the team about the results of the
young Cajun's tests.

" He can NEVER rejoin?" Scott asked quietly, how could
this be possible?

Jean looked from her husband up to her friend. Her
bond with Scott had grown stronger since their
separation and reconciliation and she could feel his
disbelief through their link. " Hank, there HAS to be
a way! It's just surgery, right? He can recover from
surgery! He FELL five stories and survived for
goodness sake!"

Hank lifted his glasses and pinched the bridge of his
nose; did they think he made this stuff up? " The
internal and head injuries were enough to kill him,
the breaks in his leg and back severe. I toyed with
the idea of amputation through a good part of the
surgery required to put him back together! By the time
I was through the poor boy had been in surgery for
hours. I repaired the damage to the best of my ability
but it wasn't enough. Some of the breaks have not
healed properly. If they are not repaired he will be
in constant pain for the rest of his life. If they are
repaired the bones in question will always be weak. He
will always have to be careful. He would be at risk
every time he went out on a mission. I am sorry but
that is my decision as his physician."

Storm glanced over at Logan and grabbed his hand. She
needed the comfort of the touch as much as he did.
" Henry how is Remy?" This would destroy her brother!
Being on the team was the only redeeming value Remy
felt he had. " He should not be alone."

Hank sighed, " he was understandably shocked and
upset. He asked to be left alone to digest the
information."

" And you LEFT him?" Logan stood, his voice almost
frantic. " He's not gonna be able to handle this
Blue!"

Storm stood and looked over to the doctor, " Logan is
right, leaving my brother alone right now was a
mistake."

*****

Remy tried to stand and went straight to the floor. He
couldn't run...he couldn't hide... he had no home now,
he was useless to the team and they didn't want him
here anyway... He pulled himself into a seated
position and felt his world crash around him...

*****

Hank looked around at the assembled team. Storm and
Logan looked ready to explode. Scott looked the way he
did every time a teammate was in trouble. Jean and
Charles had far away looks on their faces; they were
probably trying to scan Remy. Bobby and Warren just
looked bored. " He asked to be left alone! Any ONE of
you would need time to come to terms with the
information that I just told him."

" Yeah Blue, but we ain't depressed!" Logan couldn't
understand how such a smart man could make such a
stupid mistake.

" He doesn't know the truth! He doesn't know that
Rogue betrayed us. He is probably sure we will punish
Logan for her death," Storm added to further Logan's
point.

Hank's eyes grew, " He said that you talked, didn't
you explain? Stars and garters, no wonder the boy is
depressed."

" I was tryin' t' tell him when you showed up. When he
left with ya I figured he just couldn't stand ta look
at me again."

Hank was about to tell him that he could have said
that instead of leaving the hotel but he never got the
chance. Jean gasped and Charles eyes snapped up to
focus on Hank. The looks on their faces told the team
everything that they sensed...

" Goddess!" Storm ran for the door with Hank a half
step behind.

Logan turned to follow, " Logan wait!" Charles called
out to him. " He's not thinking rationally, let them
handle it!"

"But-"

" He trusts them, let them calm him down first."

Logan stared at the door; that hurt. The thought that
he'd lost the trust of his lover was like a shot to
the heart. A quick sprint down the hall and an
elevator ride to the basement would have him at the
lab. He could tell Remy the truth! He could explain
about Rogue and Remy would be fine... Remy HAD to be
fine...

*****

Remy pulled himself out of his small room to the main
lab. It took him a while but he slowly pulled himself
into Hank's office, there was a key he needed in the
desk. He worked his way to the small room off to the
side where Henri kept all the drugs. They were locked
in a tall glass cabinet, dozens of pills and vials of
liquid, maybe one of them would take away the
pain...make the voices go away. " Can' do this no
more..." His minds eye flashed to his father and
Mattie, he knew his death would hurt them. He thought
of Alisa; he knew he could never be as strong as her.
He smiled a small, sad smile; sweet Alisa with the
mind of a four year old was stronger than he could
ever hope to be. He worried about her future, would
she be okay? He would never be able to forgive himself
for the way his father left her alone... he should
have paid closer attention! He expected his father to
do more but the Guild, as usual, got top priority. He
hoped she would understand, could she? " Please Dieu,
let her understand." She was safe and cared for in the
school. She would be all right, a voice whispered in
his ear, she would be better off. He couldn't stand
the pain anymore, he couldn't stand the voices. The
WORLD would be better off without him. He wanted to
sleep... just sleep and never wake up again. He pulled
himself up counter beside the cabinet and leaned on it
to catch his breath...

*****

Storm and Hank exited the elevator and sprinted the
two hundred yards to the med lab.

*****

Remy heard the slap of shoes against the cold tile
floor and glanced around, must be God's will, he
thought to himself and tried to smile. He silently
thanked Henri for being overly protective of the small
room and with a huge amount of effort he hit the
automatic locking device on the wall. With the
grinding of gears another lock was engaged. Hank had
it installed to keep enemies away from his research
and prying eyes away from all the Shi'ar devices they
used to possess. It would also keep well meaning X-Men
from trying to save a lost soul who didn't feel he
deserved to be saved. " Can' be saved...no' worth
savin'..."
He thought once more of Logan; the man made him
happier in the short time they were together than any
other time in his life. Thinking of the older man
caused a deeper pain than his debilitating injuries.
He had found the one other soul in the world that
could make him happy and complete...and he had
destroyed him. "I so sorry Cher, I nev' meant t' hurt
y'." The others would learn what Logan did to Rogue
because of him and his life would be ruined. His home
and his family would be taken from him and he would
probably be kept in a holding cell for the rest of his
long, long, life. "'S m' fault...all m' fault..."

*****

Hank reached the door a step before Ro and threw it
open with a resounding BOOM. "Remy!"

*****

Logan sat slumped in his seat, his hands deep in his
pockets his mind deeper in thought. The only one in
the room he dare look at was Cyclops. He was
reassuringly predictable in his detached concern. He
had moved to the far side of the room and was watching
training films. Logan glanced over at the team leader
again and saw that his hands were balled into fists
and his jaw was tightly clenched. He was as worried as
Logan had ever seen him.

Scott watched the tapes but he saw nothing of what was
on the screen. His mind was on his youngest team
member down in the med lab. Since his problems with
Jean had been settled, he'd finally allowed himself to
really THINK about the boy. His personality,his dry
humor, his deceptively clever mind. Remy was much
smarter than he ever let on. Scott thought about the
way he fought, his courage, his fearless way of
jumping to the aid of a teammate;ANY teammate,
without thought of himself. He was a remarkable young
man really and Scott decided that the next chance he
got he was going to tell the young Cajun how truly
impressed and PROUD he was of him... he just hoped he
would get the chance.

*****

Jeannie's heart was fluttering like a captive bird and
Logan couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. She may
be one of the top telepaths in the world but she still
had a lot to learn. Her face was an open book. He may
not BE downstairs in the room with his young lover but
he could SEE the weight of the hopelessness he felt,
it was written all over Jean's face.

Jean wanted to run, just grab Scott's hand and run as
fast and as far from this place and the unbearable
hopelessness as she could. She wasn't sure if she
wanted to go to Remy and rock him like a baby; promise
him that everything would be all right, or let the
flames of the Phoenix consume him and release him from
his soul deep misery forever. It was deep and dark and
endless. He could see nothing worth living for and
could find no more reason to fight. He felt alone and
afraid and he wanted to cry but he was afraid that if
he did he would never be able to stop.

*****

Charles Xavier could, if he chose to, feel every mind
in the country. With the help of the Cerebro unit they
used to possess he could feel every mind in the world.
It was an extraordinary gift. He could, from his hover
chair in the safety of his family estate, touch any
mind, sooth any fear, force any demon away. It was the
demon tormenting the mind of the child in his basement
medical lab that he was concentrating on now. It
should be a difficult task; the boy downstairs was a
ghost to any telepath normally. He never registered
unless he was forced to for a mission. Now,his mind
was blown wide open and the visions that the senior
X-Man could see were flashes of nightmares he could
not begin to comprehend.

Charles glanced over at Jean, her head was lowered,
her hands in fists on her lap. She wanted to run,
hide, scream... she hated her gift at the moment and
she wanted it gone, or the boy gone, or his pain
gone...anything to lose the visions and the
thoughts...anything to make it stop.

He looked back at Logan, he was about ready to bolt.
" Don't do it Logan, he can't face you right now,"
Charles said into the deafening silence of the room.
"Let Storm and Henry handle it, the situation is out
of control. Your presence will only make it worse."

Damn the man! " Leave me alone bub. I can stop this!
Ten words and I can make it all right!" He was
standing now and his voice was an angry hiss.

" No Logan, this has gone far beyond his injuries and
his possible dismissal from the team. Remy is lost in
a downward spiral, drowning in his past, uncertain of
his future. Ro can talk him down if we give her time.
He loves her, she can calm him down."

Logan felt a sharp pain in his chest, doesn't he love
me? Couldn't I help?

*****

Remy watched as they ran to the room where he was
supposed to be laying down.

...I want you flat on your back until after the
surgery, no more walking, it will only aggravate your
condition...

He looked at the tall,glass cabinet beside the counter
he was leaning on and without further thought smashed
through the glass with his bare fist then fell to the
floor with a strangled cry of pain.

*****

Storm and Hank turned from the empty bed toward the
sound of the breaking glass and the cry of pain,
"Remy!"

They stopped short when they saw him curled up on the
floor in a sea of glass, his hand bleeding freely.
Hank tried the door then pounded on the unbreakable
glass window. " No! Remy! Open the door!" He looked
around wildly for a moment then shouted, "The key!" He
ran to his desk and searched frantically before
freezing and turning back to the small glass room.
There on the counter beside the ruined cabinet was the
object he was searching for. " Remy, please open the
door?"

Remy sat up slowly and leaned against the counter. He
watched the blood flowing down his arm a moment before
he looked up at the window in the door. Henri was
using all his considerable strength to try to pry open
the door.

"Remy, brother, listen to me! Do not do this! Do not
leave me this way!" Ro was at the door too, talking
past the tears she could no longer hold back. She
looked into her brother's eyes and saw in them that he
had already made his decision. Her eyes grew wide and
she shook her head wildly, " NO! No! By the Bright
Lady please..."

He stopped listening to their voices; he'd had enough
of them. They couldn't get to him, couldn't stop him
and he found comfort in that. He raised his hand in
front of his face and watched the blood drip from his
elbow to the floor below staining the glass shards a
lovely shade of red. He thought it strangely ironic
that after all the years he ran from gangs and pimps
and angry Johns to stay alive he was now sitting on
the floor watching that life drain away one drop at a
time and he was glad for it. " Shoulda let 'em have m'
back then... woulda saved m'self a lifetime o' pain,"
he whispered to himself.

Storm turned a tear streaked face up to Henry," What
do we do? Henry, we have to stop him!"

Hank placed his hands on her shoulders, " We need to
stay calm. Look at him, yes, he hurt his hand, but
he's in a room full of drugs and he isn't trying
anything. I think maybe he just wanted to go somewhere
where he could be alone, safe from everything. I will
try to calm him down, try to get him to open the door.
I want you to go get Logan, his claws should be able
to cut through it if the need arises.

Ro nodded and with a quick glance back at Remy she ran
for the door. Henry waited for her to leave and tapped
gently on the glass. " Remy? Remy, your hand is
bleeding badly. Could I please come in and look at
it?"

Remy had escaped to his own little world. He could
hear Henri but he chose to ignore him. It didn't
matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He suddenly
realized that he hardly felt the pain at all...

" Remy, won't you please just talk to me? I won't try
to come in, please...tell me why you are doing this?
Is it because of what I told you earlier, are you
afraid of being banished again?" He caught a tiny
flinch from the young man and knew that at least he
had SOME of his attention. " Yes, Ro told me and that
won't happen! This is your home Remy! No one will make
you leave." Henry was trying anything he could think
of to get the boy talking and his mind away from what
he feared was his true intent.

*****

Storm flew through the halls back to the meeting room
where the other X-Men waited. She had to trust Logan
to save Remy again! She felt almost sick as she turned
the corner and saw the room. She threw open the door
and her eyes searched frantically until they locked
with Logan's," You must come," was all she could
manage.

Logan's heart sank when he saw Ro. Her dark skin was
visibly pale and she reeked of fear. He didn't say a
word just jumped up from his chair and ran for the
door. He glanced at Storm from the corner of his eye,
she already thought they were too late, he could smell
it on her. He just poured on more speed until they
reached the elevator. Would the stairs be faster?
Could it be too late? The elevator finally reached
the basement and they raced to the lab and whatever
waited inside.

*****

" You a smart man Henri" Remy whispered, " maybe y'
can tell m' somethin'." His eyes never left the trail
of blood flowing slowly down his arm.

Hank's eyes grew, YES! He was talking! Now they were
making progress. He heard the footsteps racing down
the hall and as soon as they reached the lab he threw
out his hand motioning them to stop and stay silent!

*****

Storm and Logan reached the lab only to be stopped by
Henry. " Remy? " Hank asked quietly, " What is it that
yo want to know?"

Logan and Storm stayed silently out of sight; hearts
pounding hard against their chests. They both loved
the boy locked in that room with all those lethal
drugs. This was something neither of them ever dreamed
they'd see. Remy was always so calm, so level headed.
To see him driven to this extreme was heartbreaking.

Remy finally spoke, " Did y' know I believe in Voodoo?
I do. I was cursed b'fore I was even born, that's
gotta be why I destroy ev'thing I touch. I don' mean
f' it t' happen...jus' does. I t-tried so HARD t' fit
in here... t' be what y' wanted m' t' be... I t-tried
t' get involved...y'all jus' walked 'way. I...I
pretended I didn' care...that it didn'h-hurt...What is
it 'bout me that does that t' people Henri? All m'
life... on th' streets ev'body fought m' f' ev'thing
I managed t' grab...Poppa, bless him,...he tried,
almos' had a real life with him 'til I killed Belle's
brother. Almos' had it 'gain with Stormy...'til we
came here. No one even TRY t' be m' friend, no one
but..." He stopped before he said Rogue's name. He
couldn't bring attention to the fact that she was
gone, they'd go after Logan!

Hank used the pause to look over at Logan and Ro; they
could hear him too from the sorrowful looks on their
faces. How could someone so young and seemingly in
control be so lonely and depressed and hide it from
two telepaths and a doctor of his caliber! " Remy..."

" I even hurt Alisa an we don' even hardly see each
other! She jus' have the misfortune o' bein'
related... now she trapped in a body all covered in
scars...people always pointin' an starin' at her, with
th' mind o' a four year old! F'ever! She never gon'
date, never gon' fall in love, never gon' have a
chile...she gonna be playin' with her stuffed kitty
when she th' Professor's age! IT NOT FAIR!" his voice
dropped to a whisper, "it not fair...I gotta stop it
now..." he looked up at the cabinet and all the drugs.
" Stormy, I love y' but sooner or later I'm gon' hurt
y' too. G'bye p'tite, you been a good friend... m'
only friend..."

Storm rushed forward and placed her hands on the
window in the door, " Remy, please do not do this! Do
not say these things! Remy please, please do not leave
me!"

" I gotta Stormy...y' see, I destroyed Logan. I
finally thought I broke the curse. I was...AM...in
love with him..." He leaned back against the cabinet
and smiled, " He made m' feel like I could fly..." the
smile faded and he opened his eyes. There was a world
of hurt in the dull red on black eyes. " He did
somthin', he did it f' me!" his head dropped, " it was
f' me...he killed Rogue but it's all m' fault! Don'
hold it 'gainst him! Th' real killer be right here an
I plan on dealin' out th' punishment. None o' y' have
t' feel any guilt ...none t' be felt anyway..."

" He's not thinkin'! He doesn't know!" Logan joined
them at the door and Remy visibly paled. " God
darlin', listen t' me! She was usin' us! She was
workin' fer Mags the whole fuckin' time! Darlin'
please..."

Remy closed his eyes and for the first time a tear ran
down his pale cheek. " Non...Logan... y' can' see m'
like this...I don' even feel like a man no more...I
gotta end this...gotta do it before I lose th' nerve."
He opened his eyes and looked at the three of them
gathered at the door. Was that sorrow he saw in their
eyes? Did they maybe care...just a little? "It's th'
only way t' make it right... m' life f' all th' lives
I destroyed." A syringe appeared in his good hand as
if by magic and he stabbed it into his thigh and
pushed down the plunger. " F'give m'...f'give
m'...f'give..."

"OPEN THAT DOOR!" Hank screamed.

With a cry of anguish and pain and undying love
Wolverine attacked the door in front of him. Inside
the room Remy slumped to the side and the syringe fell
from his hand. " NO!" It took an endless seventeen
seconds to finally get through the door.

Logan was pushed aside as Hank entered the room and
checked for a pulse. He pushed the boy over completely
and started pounding without mercy on his chest. It
played out in slow motion, Remy was laying on a bed of
glass. Storm was kneeling by his side, blinded by
tears as she blew air into his lungs and Hank pounded
and pushed against his chest to keep his blood
flowing.

"MOVE!" suddenly Hank was in front of him with Remy's
limp body cradled in his arms. Logan stepped aside and
watched as Hank ran with his lover to the surgical
area of the lab.

*****

To be concluded.