Mutating…
A quickie – for me, that is
 

I come out of the bathroom negligently drying my chest calling
"Loge!" in a manner calculated to make his hackles rise nicely,
"Loge, dolls! Where is…" and stop dead.
Logan is tense facing squarely the barrels of some alien guns.
Without thinking I energise the towel and throw it at the people
behind the guns. I don't wait for it to explode, I dive to the floor
and roll, frantically searching for something else to throw.
I hear screams and tearing metal: Wolvie is mightily pissed off
by the sound of it.
I uncoil and bang a few things at the intruders, including one of
my new sneakers because I don't think about what I'm doing in a
battle; if you do that, you wake up very very dead. No, I think of
what I must do next to come out alive and what I will do after that
to win the fight.
`Krotting krot!' I fleetingly think `now I'll have to buy another pair!'
Everything can be a weapon, especially in my hands. I prefer the
cards because I can aim them better, but even an exploding
sneaker is no joke.
It's over in a handful of seconds and after noting that my man is
unarmed, I allow myself the luxury of feeling my fear.
Because I was scared, mon amis, scared to death.
Our bedroom door slams open and all the bedamned Xmen,
professor included, stampede in to the rescue.
Mon Dieu, but it's like living with your in-laws!
Jubilee's eyes seem about to pop out of her head, moreover
she's not the only one. Ah, yes, I'm stark naked, poor child.
Nothing to do but to defuse the situation.
I'm a great one for defusing. Defusing, deviating, distorting and
distracting every situation, that's my specialty, what I do best.
Generally I start by making a target of myself.
I waggle my hips at Rogue, dangling my lovely big cock at her…
Yes, I'm vain, very vain, it's one of my less endearing traits.
I swing my heavy and oh-so-manly equipment at Rogue and say,
crossing my arms over my head for added effect
"See what you've missed, `shuga'?"
The look on her face is worth all the insults the others hurl at me,
that and Jubilee's laughter.
I exit slowly to the bathroom and I'd swear I can feel Xavier's
intent stare on my ass.
`Mmm… Charles… Now *that* would be a challenge', but I'm too
preoccupied to dwell on it for more than a second. I hear them
chatter and roundly abuse me, nothing new in that, then they cart
the intruders away.
I dry my hair while I'm thinking, but I'm not so preoccupied as to
fail to encourage my bangs over my face. Looking at them, all
silky nice now, I get sidetracked.
Most of the women like my hair long and most of the men like it
short, so it's cut into 2 lengths. Luckily it's thin so I can hide the
long ponytail in a knot, if necessary. Nobody asks me how I like
it, but that's the way my life goes.
Everybody asks Remy to do this or be that and Remy always
does.
Remy being me, right? I have dropped a lot of hints, but nobody
ever listens to me, so I better make sure.
As I was saying everybody wants something of me and when
they get it, do they ever say `thank you'? Not on you life. Not ever.
Not once.
Krot! I see that, living with Logan, I've picked up his rambling
mode of speech.
Why is it that I can never pick up the virtues of people, but their
bad habits stick to me like a burr?
The fact is that he can get away with it because he's witty(1),
sadly I'm not. I'm too matter of fact and down-to-earth to be really
witty. I have no flights of fancy.
Oh, yes I can banter in battle with the best, but that's easy and if
you could abstract what I say from the battle it would sound…
stupid, I guess, like a child bragging.
I can clown very well, though, I can do slapstick, buffoonery and
parody because you don't need imagination to do that, you just
exaggerate reality.
The other side of this particular coin is that I can be extremely
annoying…
Oh, very well, since I'm rambling anyway, I'll come clear: I am
vain, arrogant, proud, obnoxious, promiscuous… How does that
man do it? Ah, yes, lots of dashes. Let's see now…
promiscuous – I don't hop beds anymore, but promiscuous is a
state of mind and that's the state my mind's always in -… There!
Was that witty? Afraid not.
Dieu, but I've lost myself! I am not cut out for this kind of thing.
I'll have to start over, sorry.
I am vain, arrogant, proud, obnoxious, promiscuous, a liar, and,
as all the world and his mother-in-law knows, a murderer.
Several times over.
On the plus side I am tenacious, intelligent, compassionate,
affectionate, biddable and I never complain. I also never bent my
ethics to suit my actions; I have broken my ethics code, but I
never changed it to justify my actions.
Now that I've written it down, I suddenly see that it's nothing to
write home about. I'm lucky I'm so vain, amn't I?
No more interruptions now, I promise.
Logan comes into the bathroom and finds me sitting
despondently on the toilet drying my hair.
"You'll burn it to a crisp." he points out.
"Doesn't matter." When I'm down I'm down, no ifs and buts
about it. Wolvie is instantly alarmed.
"What's the matter, Gumbo, you hurt?"
"I was scared out of my skin."
"I wasn't any too happy myself, you know. Are you hurt or not?"
His concern, as always undoes me.
"I didn't even sense them come!" This comes out a bit
lachrymose, and he's really worried.
"No, neither did I, which is saying something. But you reacted
fine, saved my ass once more."
"Why didn't we?" I wail.
He holds me, sitting on the tub, he always does that when he
sees me crack.
"Lover" he says "It happens, we can't be in alert-mode 24-7. We
got out without a scratch because we're good. Don't let it worry
you." He sighs,
"You'll never attain your ideal of perfection, Remy, no living being
can attain that. Mistakes are not plague scars. I was distracted
and so were you, I suppose."
That's the point. Wolvie always comes to the point, direct and
true.
"Logan, I was thinking on how to convince you to buy a little
house for us, maybe with a little garden, to get away from this
madhouse." I whisper this in shame.
"Oh." He says noncommittally "I was thinking I needed new
shirts."
"Logan!" I am afraid, no terrified, "can't you see it?
"We're no longer partners, we're no longer Xmen! I've become
Doris Day and you Rock Hudson!"

TBC??