Review of "Dog Woman Begins"

Jack: Welcome to ANOTHER edition of Jackster and Ironside's Porno reviews.
Unfortunately, Ironside can't be with us today after he TOTALLY broke down
after the Michael Jackson verdict. But filling in for Ironside today, is
Sports Fan! Welcome Sports Fan.

Sports Fan: Yeah whatever. Could we get this over with?

Jack: Ok, today we review the much anticipated Dog Woman Begins, starring
Terraholm. It's the story about a dog groomer named Laurel and how she
became a troll fighter, keeping Usenet safe from dog-hating trolls. In this
scene, a young Laurel has just been attacked by a pit bull and seeks revenge
when her Grandma Jane steps in.

--

Laurel: That's it! I'm going to kill that pit bull!

Grandma Jane: Sweetie, you don't want kill anyone.

Laurel: See this scar? That was by a viscious poodle! And now a pit bull
attacks me? I'm not going to take it anymore! That dog is going to pay!

Grandma Jane: Let me explain something to you, sweetie. Studies have shown
that one pit bull in 62,500 to 125,000 has killed a person. The average
person is 5 times more likely to kill someone.

Laurel: What?! It can't be!

Grandma Jane: You see sweetie, pit bulls are really nice and sweet. It's
people who are really evil.

Laurel: Grandma, thanks for showing me the light!

Grandma Jane: Now sweetie, I don't want you to have any friends in school,
ok? The only friends you're allowed to have are dogs, especially pit bulls
so that they can protect you against those evil humans.

Laurel: No friends? I'm not sure I can handle that Grandma!

Grandma Jane: Don't worry sweetie. At least you'll be 5 times more likely to
live. And you can still have friends online. They can't hurt you online....
unless they insult a family member.

--

Jack: Here we see the villain of the film, the pit bull vigilante Bryan
Smith. In this scene one of Bryan's illegal immigrants was just TOTALLY
mauled by a pit bull.

Bryan: That's it! I've had it! I'm going to slaughter every single pit bull
in the world and wipe them all out!

Mrs. Smith: What are you doing?

Bryan: I'm getting weapons. Let's see.... bow and arrow.....microwavable
popcorn to poison them......

--

Jack: Of course, Laurel eventually becomes Dog Woman and sets out to stop
the evil Bryan Smith from accomplishing his mission. I give this film thumbs
WAY WAY up! I TOTALLY love the message this film sent, that dogs are weak,
stupid, and pathetic and needs protection from becoming TOTALLY extinct.

Sports Fan: You're a fucking idiot. I hated this film. Terraholm was
absolutely terrible in this role and acted like a total bitch. And all that
Bozak slurping she did, I just couldn't take it. Only braindead people like
you would like this movie.

Jack: You are SO WRONG. She was great and I'd bet that Dog Woman would
TOTALLY kick Wonder Woman's ass! Although she'd still be NO MATCH for Paul
Wight!

Sports Fan: You know what? Maybe my comments were a bit harsh on you. I
apologize. But that doesn't change my opinion of you. You're still an idiot!

Jack: Well that's all for today's show. Join us next week when we review the
long awaited Revenge of the Arsonist. Here's a sneek peek.

Supreme Chancellor Bozak: kill him.....

Count Chandler: No, don't!!!!!

Christopher Petrowalker: I know that Jedi trolls aren't supposed to kill
people but..... you're one of Bozak's following bitches...... therefore you
must DIE!!!!!

Chandler: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Petrowalker: I will hunt down every one of Bozak's following bitches until I
am the only one left!!!!! How many more bitches you have?

Bozak: a lot...lol.....


Jack: We also review The Longest Troll starring Adam Chandler. Also Mr. and
Mrs. Bryan Smith, the story about assassins killing pigs. See you next week
and hopefully Ironside will have recovered by then.