Troll Trek
Troll Trek: The Motion Parody
Usenet the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Trollship
Trollerprise. It's 5 year mission to troll strange new newsgroups, to seek
out new bait and more bandwidth to waste. To boldly troll where no troll has
trolled before.
Captain's ready room
Jack White: Captain's log supplemental. We have just finished TROLLING a SAD
PATHETIC newsgroup from San Antonio. My first officer Mr. Spin OBJECTED to
the mission claiming it was a VIOLATION of the Prime Directive to interfere
with such a primitive newsgroup but I couldn't help it. These people HAVE to
be educated in the ways of Paul Wight! To Hell with the Prime Directive!
Even though there was only two Spurs fans posting there, it was well WORTH
it! Anways, we're on our way to Troll Base 76 for some well DESERVED shore
leave.
Back on the bridge
Lt. Jane: Finally, some shore leave! I can finally spend some time in the
holodeck with Rick Fox!
Dr. Jedi: Sorry but I already have the holodeck reserved. I'm making new
holograms of myself to show off to everyone.
Mr. Spin: Your shore leave may have to wait. Long range sensors have just
detected what could be a new newsgroup. I must inform the captain.
Jedi: Can't this wait? It takes time to create the perfect hologram! Not to
mention, uploading them to my website.
Spin: Your recreational activities can wait. We are on a mission.
Jedi: Why you green blooded Shaq Jocker. This is not just recreation. These
holograms can attract other guys errr I mean patients who may require my
assistance!
Spin: Doctor, your insults will have to wait for another time. Spin to the
Captain.
Jack: What now?! I TOLD you not to INTERUPT me while I'm watching a WWF pay
per view!
Spin: But Captain, we have..
Jack: Hold on! Paul Wight is about to pin the Rock! ONE! TWO!
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That was so close!!!!!!
Spin: Captain.
Jack: Ok fine, what is it?
Spin: Long range sensors have detected a new newsgroup. Do you want to alter
course?
Jack: What kind of newsgroup is it?
Spin: The newsgroup is too far away but I can begin a real audio analysis of
it.
Jack: Let me know when you're DONE. Until then, DON'T bother me! I have a
pay per view to WATCH!
Spin: Mr Chrsn. I require the real audio program.
Chrsn: Sorry but I'm using it right now. Clipper game is on right now.
Spin: Mr. Chrsn, we already trolled the Clipper group several months ago.
The group is completely devoid of life. It is a complete waste of resources
to be researching anything Clipper related.
Chrsn: But you never know when that may change! I mean the Clippers are
going to be a dominant team in a few years!
Spin: Mr. Chrsn, as usual, your arguments are completely illogical.
Later...
Jack: DAMN! How can Paul Wight lose?! How can 7'4" 500 pounds of pure
muscle LOSE to a MUCH MUCH SMALLER wrestler in the Rock? It DOESN'T make
sense!
Jedi: Relax Jack. It ain't real.
Jack: Neither are your holograms! I mean, WHO did you use as the TEMPLATE
for your holograms anyway?
Jedi: I'm telling you. Those holograms are really me!
Jack: WHATEVER!
Spin: Captain. I have finished my real audio analysis.
Jack: So what have you found out?
Jedi: Oh this should be good.
Spin: Well, according to my analysis, the group appears to be heavily
populated. The citizens of the group appear to be at odds with one another.
I believe we can take over this group without much effort.
Jedi: That's what you said about the last group. Instead it turned out it
was just two guys spamming the group.
Spin: The real audio sensors were not able to distinguish between different
posters. It seemed to be heavily populated. So Captain, do you want to set a
course to this new group?
Jack: Well, the pay per view is over. I got NOTHING better to do. Ok what
the hell. Lay in a course and ENGAGE at MAXIMUM warp!
Spin: We can only engage at warp 6 at the moment. Our engines were damaged
in the last mission.
Jack: Damn! Engineering!
Steve Jaros: Stevie here.
Jack: I want MAXIMUM warp!
Steve Jaros: We already are at maximum warp.
Jack: It only shows WARP 6!
Steve Jaros: I'm sure it does. But I can assure you we are at maximum warp.
Jack: Damn it! I WANT MAXIMUM WARP as in WARP 9! Is that clear?
Steve Jaros: Well, even if it says warp 9, it doesn't mean it's maximum
warp. There's no proof of that.
Jack: You idiot! Just GET me WARP 9!
Steve Jaros: What does achieving warp 9 prove? There's simply no way of
proving that's maximum warp.
Jack: It says so in the MANUAL!
Steve Jaros: And that's proof? And how can you be sure?
Jack: I DON'T CARE! Just get me WARP 9! I want it done in 20 minutes!
Steve Jaros: Ok fine, I was just asking.
20 minutes later.
Jack: Stevie! It's been 20 minutes!
Steve Jaros: No it hasn't.
Jack: Fool! Look at the clock!
Steve Jaros: Just because it says 20 minutes have passed doesn't necessarily
make it so.
Jack: Where the hell is Paul Wight when I NEED him? Paul Wight COULD'VE
FINISHED this by now!
Spin: Captain, allow me. Mr. Steve. Our reports have indicated that Allen
Iverson may have originated from this newsgroup so it would be in our best
interest to arrive at our destination as soon as possible before he departs.
Steve Jaros: Allen Iverson!? Really!? Hold on..... Ok, done! You got Warp 9!
Go baby, go! Oh God! I get to meet Allen Iverson!
Jack: Mr SPIN! Did you say Allen Iverson?! I MEAN, he is the GREATEST
basketball player of ALL-TIME! Hurry, MAXIMUM warp! I gotta get his
AUTOGRAPH!
Jedi: I thought Paul Wight was greatest.
Jack: Ok, second GREATEST.
Spin: I am sorry Captain but I do not believe Allen Iverson is an inhabitant
of this newsgroup. I only used his name as motivation for Mr. Jaros who has
been known to be a devoted follower of his.
Jack: I knew that!
Later in sickbay..
Jedi: I'm telling you, those holograms are really me!
Steve Jaros: Whatever, they don't look like you.
Coz: Doctor, I'm not feeling well here.
Jedi: Can't you see I'm busy?
(Coz collapses to the floor)
Jack: Why DON'T you take CARE of your PATIENT!
Jedi: Damnit Jack! I'm a bandwagoner not a doctor!
Jack: Then HOW did you become the DOCTOR of my SHIP?!
Jedi: How should I know. S_Knight put me in this role.
Jack: Well PLAY the ROLE then!
Jedi: Er, well. Let me take a look at him...err. he's dead Jack.
Steve Jaros: You sure he's dead? Just because he looks dead doesn't mean he'
s dead.
Jack: Oh SHUT UP! Shouldn't you be in engineering?
Steve Jaros: Fine, I just want to make sure he's really dead. He could be
faking.
Jack: Mr. Spin. Doctor Jedi! I WANT to know WHAT caused his death. Get on it
IMMEDIATELY!'
Later...
Spin: Apparently Coz died from the Marko virus. A disease that he apparently
picked up from the Spurs Newsgroup.
Jack: What DOES it do?
Jedi: It kills braincells.
Jack: Is it CONTAGIOUS?!
Jedi: Unfortunately, yes it is.
Jack: RED ALERT!!! We NEED to quarantine the ship!
Spin: Do not worry Captain. We have no braincells so it won't affect us.
Jack: That IS a HUGE relief! I THOUGHT I was going to MISS the DUNK contest
because of this!
Chrsn: Captain to the bridge. Another ship is on an intercept course with
us!
Jack: On our way!
Back on the bridge.
Jack: Open REAL audio channel!
......
Jack: I SAID open REAL audio channel!
Jane: Oh I'm sorry Captain. I was just downloading pictures of Rick Fox.
Channel open.
Jack: This IS captain JACK White of the TROLLSHIP Trollerprise. Identify
YOURSELVES!
Warped: You are violating Laker NG Space. Prepare to be boarded.
To be continued...