Troll Trek IV: The Undiscovered Newsgroup
Troll Trek IV: The Undiscovered Newsgroup
Previously on Troll Trek III: The Search for Coz
In a race to retrieve Coz's dead body, Jack White and his crew beam down to
the Lakers NG to recover the body but they are too late as Marcus Kwan finds
the body before Jack does. Leaving Jack stranded on the NG, Marcus Kwan now
goes after the wounded Trollerprise to finish her off.
Jedi: Great, now we're stuck here. What do we do now?
Jack White: Might as well make CONTACT with the inhabitants of this
newsgroup.
Jane: Tricorder readings indicate that we're on a small deserted island.
Jack White: You MEAN we're STUCK on this island?
Jedi: We can always make a raft.
Jack White: GREAT idea! Now start working!
Jedi: Damnit Jack, I'm a doctor not a lumberjack! Ask Jane!
Jane: Well I may be many things, a woman, a temptress, a witch but I too am
no lumberjack. Besides, I just had surgery. I'm in no condition for manual
labor.
Bullyo: What is everyone looking at Bullyo for?
Jack White: You've just VOLUNTEERED.
Bullyo: But Captain Jacko, it was Jedo's idea. Jedo should be the one
working on it, not Bullyo!
Jane: Well, judging by his holograms, I'd say Chris would be perfect for the
job.
Jedi: Bitch!
Jane: I'm sorry sweetie but I really want to see you sweat.
Jack: Looks like you're outnumbered Jedi. Now start WORKING!
Jedi: Fine, but make sure you take some pictures of me while I'm working!
Back on the U.S.S. Derek Anderson
Marko: They're headed towards the nebula.
Charlie Board: If they go in there, we'll lose them.
Marcus Kwan: Explain it to them. Fire Duncan torpedo!
The torpedo just misses the target as it harmlessly passes by the
Trollerprise
Marcus Kwan: Why are we slowing down?
Charlie Board: Surely we're not going to follow them in there? Our sensors
and shields would be useless in the nebula.
-
Chrsan: They're reducing speed.
Spin: Open real audio channel.
Czilla: Open.
Spin: Kwan, I'm laughing at the superior intellect.
-
Marcus Kwan: Ha! I saw the Wrath of Khan. I'm not falling for that trick!
-
Chrsan: He's not falling for it.
Spin: I will have to use another means of persuasion... Kwan, Duncan is Shaq
's bitch.
-
Marcus Kwan: What?! Full impulse power!
Charlie Board: But sir!
Marcus Kwan: Do it!
-
Chrsan: It worked! He's increasing speed!
Spin: Of course it did. I'm a genius. All of you are not worthy to be in my
presence.
Czilla: Oh please. So this is what working on the bridge is like? Do we have
to do deal with his God complex for the rest this parody?
Chrsan: You can always transfer to engineering and take orders from Jaros.
Czilla. Er, nevermind.
Meanwhile.
Jedi: Well it's done. Hop on aboard!
Jack White: GREAT job. You know, it's going to be a LONG trip. You guys know
row row row your boat?
Jedi: Er, well yes. What about it?
Jack White: We can SING to pass the time away. COME on, it'll be FUN!
Jedi: Sorry Jack, but I'm a doctor not a..
Jack White: You can ONLY use that line ONCE per parody! What about you,
Jane?
Jane: Sorry, but unfortunately I don't have Vanessa Williams' talents.
Jack White: Whatever. I'll start. Row row row your boat, gently down the
stream.
Bullyo: Row row row you boat gently down the stream
Jack White: Merrily merrily merrily
Jane: Oh please. I only have 10 years to live. Don't put me through this.
Meanwhile elsewhere on the Lakers NG
Laurance: Ok, ready for our fishing trip?
Garret: Sorry but I need to pick up my parents at the airport.
Dimitri: Why don't you just beam them over?
Garret: You think I'm stupid for bringing this up? How am I supposed to beam
them over when I've already used up all my transporter credits?
Jeff Mayner: You guys work it out, we're going sharking with Laurance!
Fig Jam: Yeah me too!
Bozak: what is jerki boy doing here?
Jason Green: Will you please tell your groupie to stop following you around?
Laurance: How do you know he's following Bozak? He could very well be
following me!
Fig Jam: Look, I have two roles in this parody. Not my fault if the rest you
guys only use one screen name.
Jason Green: Can we write this guy off the script? He's taking lines away
from us!
Fig Jam: Can't you write me off later? I want to able to have a scene with
myself.
Ben Johnson: I'm sure that's the not the only thing you want do by yourself.
Bozak: just start ignoring him
Laurance: But then he'll start following us around even more!
Fig Jam: Is that what it means to be mindfucked?
Ted Montague: Can we watch the language here? We have to keep this PG-13.
Laurance: So you guys coming or not? Let's go! Hop on aboard. I'd like you
to meet our captain.. Herman!
Herman: Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Ironside!
Branden: Wait!
Jason Green: You're not supposed to be here. You aren't scheduled to appear
till later!
Branden: I know but I needed to vent. Why is this Herman guy who doesn't
even post here, getting lines before I do?
Bozak: branden is right.. let's throw herman overboard.
Jason Green: Let's go already! We should have been halfway out to sea by now
if it weren't for all these interruptions!
Laurance: Well if we didn't get so many people whining about not being in
the previous three parodies, this wouldn't be happening!
Bozak: hurry. let's go before someone else slows us down!
Bryan: Wait!
Bozak: oops.. too late.
Bryan: Ok, I know I'm not supposed to be here either but if Branden can make
an unscheduled appearance, so can I. I mean, why is this Herman guy even
getting lines much less appearing here?
Bozak: shouldn't you be somewhere killing pigs or something?
Fig Jam: No wonder you guys weren't included in the other parodies. You guys
are bogging down the plot!
Several hours later.
Laurance: Ok, remember now, don't tell anyone what we did to Herman and Fig
Jam.
Bozak: so what? this isn't like the movie "i know what you did last summer"
Jason Green: Wait, do you guys hear something?
Row row row your boat gently down the stream
Ben Johnson: Over there! SBN Alert!
Jane: Oh thank you. I don't know how much more of this singing I could've
taken.
Jack White: We're on a mission of PEACE! We mean you NO harm.
Bozak: lies..is that why you beamed down to our ng without our knowledge?
Jedi: No wait! I'm not with them! I'm their prisoner! I'm really a Laker
fan!
Jack White: You're NOT going to pull this trick again, are you?
Jedi rips off his TrollFleet uniform and reveals a #34 Laker uniform
underneath.
Bozak: no bandwagoners allowed.
Jedi: Then how do you explain Laurance?! If you can accept Laurance, surely
you can accept me!
Jack White: HOW do you do it? FIRST a Spurs uniform, NOW a Laker uniform?
WHERE did you EVEN get a Lakers uniform?
Jedi: I stole it from Mr. Spin. Hey, I came prepared. That's what
professional bandwagoners do.
Bozak: enough talking.. take them away!
Jane: Wait! My father is really sick in the hospital right now. Surely it
would be most distressful to him if he..
Bozak: shutup bitch before I bitchslap you! take them away!
Scene shifts to the Laker NG prison
Jedi: Fine mess you've gotten us into Jack. What do we do now?
Jack White: I GUESS we wait until Mr. Spin RESCUES us.
Jedi: Oh great. I guess we'll be waiting a long time.
Back on the Trollerprise
Spin: Who stole my Shaq jersey!!!!!!!
Czilla: What's up with Mr. Spin?
Chrsan: I think he's going into pon farr! He needs to find a mate fast or he
'll die!
Spin: Who stole my Shaq jersey!!!!!!!!!
Chrsan: Uh, try recreating Shaq in the holodeck!
Scene shifts back to the Laker NG prison
Jack White: ..
Bullyo: ..
Jedi: ..
Jane: ..
Jedi: Boy, this is fun. I need to find something to do. Maybe I can ask them
to give me some of their Laker NG party pics!
Jane: What for?
Jedi: So I can masturbate over them!
Jane: Well I have some Rick Fox pics.
Jedi: No thanks.
Jane: Not like I would give them to you anyways, sweetie.
Bullyo: Bullyo has some pics of the King Jordan.
Jedi: That's tempting but no thanks.
Jack White: I HAVE some Paul Wight pics!
Jedi: No thanks. I really want some pics of Laurance! Anyways, I was just
thinking. Why doesn't s_knight ever include himself in any of his own
parodies?
Jane: But he did. Didn't you know that the Cite Knight is one of BS's many
faces? It's no different than you posting under different names.
Jedi: Or Bozak and Laurance being the same person. So how much longer are we
going to wait here?
Bullyo: Bullyo says we should break out of here.
JC Martin: You'll never make it out of here.
Jack White: WHO are you two?
Al Wilson: We're prisoners just like you.
Jack White: WHY are YOU being held here?
Al Wilson: I have no idea. It must be because I am too smart! I have never
lost an argument! All NBA agree with me!
JC Martin: They keep us here to amuse them.
Jack White: We WON'T be STAYING long enough to AMUSE anyone!
Meanwhile..
Bryan: So what are we going to do with these trolls?
Branden: What else? Keep them here as entertainment. Afterall, it's the
offseason. What else are we going to do?
Ben: We would have to take care of them and feed them. It would take up some
of our resources. We might not have a big enough budget to keep them.
Larry: If we get rid of Al and JC, we might be able to fit them in under the
cap.
George: But if we keep them, it could start a war with TrollFleet!
Bozak: so?
Jeff: I say we release them. Peace is good.
Viker: Peace is boring......
Rick: They attacked my ship without any provocation and made us late for the
Laker NG party! They must be punished!
Jeff: Captain Warped. May I call you Warped?
Rick: Sure if I can call you BlackKojak.
Jeff: Warped, I read Part 2. You threatened his ship!
Rick: Er, you sure you read that part right?
Dimitri: Before we decide to keep them for entertainment, maybe we should
check to see if they're worthy or not. Let's go interrogate them.
Rick: I'll go. I'm more experienced.
Dimitri: What makes you more experienced?
Rick: Uh duh, I'm a parent. And you're not.
Back on the Trollerprise
Chrsan: So how'd that trip in the holodeck go?
Spin: Fine. I'll have to try that more often. Bridge to Engineering.
Steve Jaros: Stevie here.
Spin: When will have warp engines back online.
Steve Jaros: Give me 15 minutes.
Chrsan: Sir, the U.S.S. Derek Anderson is right in front of us!
Spin: Fire the Shaq torpedoes!
Chrsan: You sure you don't want to use the Paul Wight torpedoes?
Spin: I'm the captain now, not Jack. Fire the Shaq torpedoes!
Scene shifts back to the Laker NG prison
Jedi: So how do we escape?
Jane: I only see one dog woman and a dozen of her canines standing in our
way. Shouldn't be a problem.
Jack White: YEAH. Those DOGS don't STAND a chance! I bet Mike Tyson or one
his TIGERS could KICK all those dogs ass! I've seen it on the DISCOVERY
channel!
Jedi: Sure, but there aint no Mike Tyson or any of his Tigers here.
Jack White: You're a JEDI, right? Why DON'T you use some Jedi mind trick on
the guard?
Jedi: This is Star Trek, not Star Wars. Maybe if Spin were here, he could do
a mind meld.
Jack White: It's SCIENCE FICTION. Use your imagination.
Laurel: Will you prisoners be quiet? You make more noise than my dogs!
Jack White: QUICK! Do the Jedi mind trick!
Jedi: Uh. ok, you're getting sleepy, real sleepy.
Laurel: Yeah whatever.
Jedi: Nice going Jack. That was a waste of time. You made me look like a
fool.
Ben: That doesn't take much now does it?
Jack White: Finally. I DEMAND you release us IMMEDIATELY.
Bryan: Hmm, this Jack fellow is pretty amusing. I say we keep him.
Dimitri: We need some dancers as well.
Jason: Yeah, dancers are in better shape than NBA players.
Jack White: WHAT are you TALKING about? No ONE is in better SHAPE than WWF
wrestlers! Can any dancer dunk over Paul Wight?!
Branden: This guy is an idiot. You sure you want to replace Al with this
guy? What's the difference?
Bryan: Let's take a vote.
Marshall J: I say we keep them.
Laurance: Didn't we throw you overboard?
Marshall J: Well yeah, but now I'm back under another name.
Meanwhile the battle continues between the Trollerprise and U.S.S. Derek
Anderson
Chrsan: They've lost all power. Weapons and warp engines offline.
Spin: Signal to the Derek Anderson. Prepare to boarded.
-
Marko: We can set the Marko device to auto-destruct and take the
Trollerprise with us.
Marcus Kwan: Good idea. Set the auto-destruct!
-
Chrsan: Detecting an unusual energy source.
Spin: It's the Marko device. They're trying to spread Marko's stupidity to
us! Engineering, we need warp engines!
Steve Jaros: Sorry not done yet.
Spin: You told me 15 minutes.
Steve Jaros: No I didn't. Google it!
Czilla: Now what do we do?
Chrsan: Well in the Wrath of Khan, Spock did sacrifice his life to save the
ship.
Spin: Well, sorry I'm not sacrificing myself for anyone not named Shaq. How
many more redshirts do we have on the ship?
Chrsan: There's still J Tolstoy and Pipster.
Spin: Good, sacrifice both of them.
-
Marcus Kwan: No, no, you can't get away. From hell's heart I stab at thee.
For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Hmm.I deserve an Oscar for
this performance.
Scene shifts back to Lakers NG prison
Bryan: Ok the votes are in. And the majority votes that we keep them.
Jedi: Yes! Thank you! I promise to be a loyal Lakers fan!
Jane: Well Bullyo, looks like your prediction was wrong afterall. You're
going to live.
Bryan: That is, we're keeping three of you. We're keeping the condescending
bitch, the WWF fan, and the fake bodybuilder. Sorry, but the Bulls troll is
out of date. We don't need any trolls from lottery teams trolling us.
Branden: Prepare to execute the prisoners! Bring them out.
Bozak: any last words
JC Martin: Yeah, no matter what you do to me, Rice will still suck! That
will never change.
Al Wilson: All NBA agrees with me!
Bullyo: Bullyo would like to thank his fans Bozo and Brando. Thank you for
keeping Bullyo's 100% prediction accuracy rating intact! Bullyo has spoken!
Bozak: prepare to open fire
Ironside: Wait. What about the prisoner locked up in the mental ward? Shall
we bring him out too?
Bozak: oh yeah, forgot about him. bring him
Greg: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Bozak: any last words
Greg: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Bullyo: Bullyo feels much better now. Bullyo and Grego together in Troll
heaven.
Bozak: ready.... aim...
Scene shifts back to the Trollerprise
Chrsan: Well we survived. Sacrificing those 2 trolls was a brilliant idea!
Spin: Of course, I am a genius afterall.
Chrsan: Whatever. I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. So are we going to
rescue Captain Jack?
Spin: No. That would be illogical. Why risk our lives to save him? If we
fail, we could become prisoners ourselves. If we succeed, I get demoted back
to First officer. It's a no win situation for me. Simple logic. My genius
never ceases to amaze me.
Chrsan: Oh God. Having to deal with Spin is worse than being a Clippers fan.
Czilla: Well since we're not going back for them, I guess that means this
station is mine now! I can tear off all these sick Rick Fox pictures and
replace them with Stockton pics! Woohoo!
Chrsan: So we're going to just leave Captain Jack stranded there? Isn't it
our duty as TrollFleet officers to rescue him?
Spin: Fine, send a message to Captain Judden. He can rescue them. I have
more important things to do. Lay in a course to Staples Center! I don't want
to miss the parade or Shaq's rap concert!
Cue Star Trek theme
The End