Blazers in the Wizard of Oz
Blazers in the Wizard of Oz
Uncle Riley: Oh no! It's Twister Bob! Quick, everyone into the arena!
Aunt Isiah: But what about Dale and Kempo!
Uncle Riley: Forget about them! Twister Bob has already dropped off Brian
Grant and Jermaine O'Neal for us! Quick, lock the doors before Twister Bob
changes his mind!
Dorothy Davis: Aunt Isiah! Aunt Isiah!
Kempo: Woof! Woof! Me hungry!
Twister Bob engulfs Davis and Kempo.
Twister Bob: Bwahahahahahaha!!! Paul Allen will be proud of me now! I just
increased the size and depth of our TrailMunchkins. We'll finally be able to
defeat Shaq the Wicked MVP of the West.
Davis and Kempo land in Portland.
Dorothy Davis: Kempo, I have a feeling we're not in the Eastern Conference
anymore!
Kempo: Woof! Is there food here?!
Dorothy Davis: Do you think of anything besides food?
Kempo: Well I have 12 puppies I need to feed and take care of!
Duncan the Good MVP of the North: Are you a good MVP or a wicked MVP?
Dorothy Davis: Who me? I'm not a MVP at all! I'm Dorothy Davis from Indiana!
Duncan: Then that must be the MVP!
Dorothy Davis: Who, Kempo? Kempo's my dog!
Kempo: Woof! Can I mate with him!
Duncan: I'm confused. The TrailMunchkins said a new MVP dropped an arena on
top of Iverson the Wicked MVP of the East. Those Ruby Nikes are all that's
left of Iverson.
Kempo: Woof! I want the leftovers!
Duncan: Well anyways, I'm Duncan the Good MVP of the North. These are the
TrailMunchkins and you just saved them from being abused by the Wicked MVP
of the East.
Shaq the Wicked MVP of the West: Who killed my fellow MVP Iverson? Was it
you?
Dorothy Davis: Oh, it was an accident! I didn't mean to kill anyone!
Shaq: Well my little pretty, I can cause accidents too! Now where are the
Ruby Nikes!
Duncan puts the Nikes on Davis.
Dorothy Davis: Damn, get these Nikes off of me! They're too tight!
Shaq: Give me back the Ruby Nikes! Only I can use its power!
Duncan: Why? The shoe size is too small for you too. Now leave before I
start whining to the referees like the TrailMunchkins!
Shaq: Oh no, anything but that! Just remember to stay out of my way. I'll
get you my pretty and your little dog too!
Duncan: Whew. Thank God he left. That monster is scary.
Dorothy Davis: Now how do I get back to Indiana?
Kempo: Yes, I want to go back home! That Shaq monster was even bigger than
me!
Dorothy Davis: But not wider.
Duncan: The only one who can help you is the great and wonderful Wizard of
DC. He lives in the Windy City which glitters with Championship rings. It's
a long journey so you'll have to walk. And remember, never take those Ruby
Nikes off or Shaq will have you for lunch.
Dorothy Davis: I have to walk in these Nikes? They're killing me!
Kempo: Hey, I can ask the Wizard for an all you can eat buffet!
Duncan: By the way, can you ask the Wizard to do a favor for me? Can you ask
him to get rid of Shaq for me?
Dorothy Davis: Can't you do it? You're an MVP, right?
Duncan: Well, only when I play against smaller Munchkin forwards.
Dorothy Davis: So how do I get to the Windy City?
Stoudamire the TrailMunchkin: Go to theYellow Brick Court at Staples, then
just follow the Yellow Brick road which incidentally was built by Shaq while
practicing his free throws everyday.
--
Dorothy Davis: Hmm, now which way should we go?
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Charge that way! No block this way!
Dorothy Davis: Can't you make up your mind?
Rasheed the Scarecrow: I can't make up mind because I don't have a brain,
only straw.
Dorothy Davis: How can you talk if you don't have a brain?
Rasheed the Scarecrow: I don't know but I guess you don't need brains to
argue with referees.
Dorothy Davis: What would you do if you had a brain?
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Why if I had a brain, I could.... ahem.
I could make every single basket
Instead of putting referees in caskets
I would have everything to gain
I could be leading the league in scoring
Instead of crying to refs a-pouring
If I only had a brain
The fans would definitely love me
No other player would be above me
No ref would treat me with disdain
I wouldn't be such an embarrassment
And refs won't give me such harassment
If I only had a brain
Dorothy Davis: Wonderful! Say, I'm going to see the Wizard in DC to help me
get back to Indiana. Maybe you can ask the Wizard for a brain!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Hooray, we're off the see the Wizard!
We're off to see the Wizard
The wonderful Wizard of DC
Because, because, because,
Because, because...
Because of the wonderful things he does!
We're off to see the Wizard,
The wonderful Wizard of DC!
--
Dorothy Davis: Oh look, a tin man!
Scottie the Tinman: Oil!
Dorothy Davis: Did you just say something?
Scottie the Tinman: I need oil!
Kempo: Yuck! Even I wouldn't drink oil!
Davis oils Scottie's joints.
Scottie the Tinman: I can move again!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: How did this happen?
Scottie the Tinman: Well it all happened a couple years ago when MJ retired.
After that, I was scared stiff so I didn't know what to do. I've been scared
stiff ever since. That's why I couldn't move. If only I had a heart.
Davis and Rasheed: No heart?!
Scottie the Tinman: No heart..
When you ride on MJ's coattails
You'll know that you'll never fail
It was like watching a work of art
Without MJ, I'm a loser
I wish my team could beat the Hoosiers
If I only had a heart
I know I could outplay Kukoc
And even that Kobe cochroach
If they'd only play the part
The playoffs keep me rattled
I wish I could be out of MJ's shadow
If I only had a heart
Dorothy Davis: You know, we're going to see the Wizard of DC. Maybe you can
ask him for a heart.
Scottie the Tinman: Hooray! We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful
Wizard of DC!
--
Dorothy Davis: Oh this forest is dark and creepy!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: There aren't any wild animals here, are there?
Scottie the Tinman: Mostly Lithuanians, Referees, and Aerobics Instructors
Dorothy Davis: Lithuanians?!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Referees?!
Kempo: Aerobics Instructors?!
Dorothy Davis: Look! A Lithuanian!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: Put 'em up! Put 'em up! Which one of you
first? I'll play you both together,if you want. I'll dunk on you with one
arm tied behind my back! I'll shoot jumpers standing on one foot! I'll guard
you with my eyes closed.
A flying Laker, Robert Horry suddenly swoops down from the sky. Dorothy
Davis tries to elbow him but misses and hits Arthritis!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: Ouch! What you do that for? Where's my
mouthpiece at?
Dorothy Davis: Sorry, I was trying to hit that flying Laker. Besides, what
are you doing picking on smaller players. Why don't you pick on someone your
own size, you coward!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: I did. After that monster Shaq abused me
like the soft Euro that I am, he had me weeping the entire summer. I only
pick on smaller players now.
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Hey, maybe the Wizard can help him?
Dorothy Davis: Why don't you come with us? We're going to see the Wizard to
get him a heart!
Scottie the Tinman: And him a brain!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: And him an all you can eat buffet!
Kempo: I can't wait!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: Gee, that's awfully nice of you.
I can't help it when I'm a sissy
I whine to the refs and get hissy
Why can't I get the calls I deserve?
I can't help it when Shaq's much stronger
I hope this series doesn't last much longer
If I only had the nerve
Oh please teammates, can you help me
I really don't want Shaq to scalp me
I'm tired of being kicked to the curb
Why do I get towels thrown in my face?
Why can't I defend myself with Mace?
If I only had the nerve
Everyone: We're off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of DC!
Dorothy Davis and friends finally reach the Windy City.
Rasheed the Scarecrow: I thought the Windy City was in Chicago. Well
anyway. Let's go see the Wizard!
MJ: I am MJ, the Great and Powerful! Who are you?
Dorothy Davis: Um, I'm Dorothy Davis the small and meek. We've come to ask
you...
MJ: Silence! I already know why you've come. News travels fast with the
internet around.
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Why is this place called the Windy City anyways?
MJ: Oh, I just like to pretend I'm still in Chicago winning championships
instead of being the president of the one of the worst teams in the league.
Dorothy Davis: So can you help us?
MJ: Before I grant your requests, you must prove yourselves! Bring me Shaq's
new freethrow instructor!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: But, but, isn't he located in Shaq's
Castle?
MJ: Bring me his freethrow instructor or you'll never get your wish. No way
am I making a comeback to the NBA as long as Shaq is making freethrows! Now
go!
Arthritis the Cowardly Lithuanian: No way. I ain't facing no Shaq! I rather
remain a coward for the rest of my life!
Scottie the Tinman: Me too! I'd rather not have any heart than face that
monster!
Rasheed the Scarecrow: Who needs a brain! I sure don't! I'll be happy being
persecuted by referees as long as I don't have to guard Shaq!
Kempo: You mean, I don't get any all you can eat buffet?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Dorothy Davis: I'd rather be exiled to Portland! Oh no, wait a minute! If I
stay in Portland, I have to face him 4 times! Guys, don't go! Help me out!
Scottie, Rasheed, and Arthritis: No way, we're out of here!
MJ phones Twister Bob and Duncan in a conference call.
MJ: Bob, Tim it didn't work.
Twister Bob: Damn! Now our team is forever screwed as long as we're in the
same division!
Duncan: Oh well. We tried. At least I don't have to guard Shaq. I let David
Robinson do all the dirty work. Ha!
MJ: This totally screws up my comeback! No... wait a minute. Maybe I can
still come back. I'll just join Shaq's team!