The Zen Master of Oz
The Zen Master of Oz
We're off to see the Zen Master, the wonderful Zen Master of Oz.
Because because because because becaaaaaaaaause..... because of none of the
things that he does when sits on the bench with his legs crossed and looks
buzzed.
The Cowardly Odom: Oh Zen Master. Could you please help me. I'm so scared of
driving to the basket and posting up. In fact I'm afraid of even shooting
the ball. Please help give me courage!
The Zen Master: That shouldn't be a problem. What about you?
Bynum the Stiff Man: Zen Master, could you please give me a heart. Sometimes
I just don't feel like practicing so when Kareem doesn't show up, I get
really excited and just use it as an excuse not to show up. And sometimes I
just don't feel like even jumping. It's so much easier to just lay the ball
up instead actually using energy to jump and dunk the ball.
The Zen Master: That'll be tough. Who else wants something?
SmushCrow: Zen Master, could give me a brain? I keep making stupid and
braindead mistakes on the court. Please help me! Sometimes I just keep
taking "premidatated" shots without even thinking about it!
The Zen Master: You ask the impossible. Who else?
Kwame: Zen Master, can I have all of the above?
The Zen Master: All of them? What makes you more deserving?
Kwame: Well, I make as many stupid plays as Smush does. I often play with no
heart when I sulk after I don't get to touch the ball on offense. And I
definitely need more courage. I'm so afraid of the rim. Everytime I try to
go up for a layup, the rim scares me into missing.
The Zen Master: Sorry, you can only have one thing.
Kwame: Ok, I could really use some new hands. I mean, I just can't catch the
ball. And I just can't make any layups or free throws. Please give me some
new hands!
The Zen Master: Ok, I think I can help all of you. Odom, here. Read this
book. It's called the Last Season. It's about a cowardly coach stabbing his
players in the back in a gutless move to make some money.
The Cowardly Odom: Will this book really give me courage?
The Zen Master: Yes you can learn from the protagonist of the book, but
first you'll have to buy it from me for only 19.95. It's a bargain from the
listing price of 24.95.
SmushCrow: What about me?
The Zen Master: Here. Read this. It's the Cat in a Hat from Dr. Seuss.
SmushCrow: I'm supposed to read?
The Zen Master: Yes, I know you can do it if you try hard enough. And now
for the Stiff Man.
Bynum the Stiff Man: What's this? "Bad as I Wanna Be" from Dennis Rodman?
The Zen Master: Yes, so you can learn how to play defense and rebound
better.
Kwame: How about me? Am I going to get new hands?
The Zen Master: Here. This Playboy magazine will help you.
Kwame: Why is there a picture of Jeannie Buss on here?
The Zen Master: Oops. Wrong one. Here, take this one.
Kwame: How is a Playboy mag supposed to help my hands?
The Zen Master: Learn how to play with yourself. This mag will help you.
That way you can strengthen your hands and your grip.
Kwame: Thanks Zen Master! You're the best!
SmushCrow: Hey! No fair! I can't even read! How is this supposed to help me!
The Cowardly Odom: Yeah! This isn't going to help me!
The Zen Master: Am I supposed to do everything for you? Just read the book
and figure it out yourselves. I'll just sit here with my legs crossed.