"I see the stars come out at night..."
--The Passenger, Iggy Pop

I am sitting in Sasha's room feeling all sicky as I write this. And I figure that since I was feeling too off to go to the party with her, I can write a diary for her to read, and thus make it up to her. And it's also for Ali (whose mail I did get, even though I don't respond to it) because she gets all excited when I update.

Yesterday's bus ride to Philly was extremely odd. We had a fifteen minute stretch break at a gas station at one point. But that is not the real reason we were so late in arriving. A few minutes into Philadelphia proper, the bus driver stops at a corner, turns around, and yells, "Anyone on the bus from Philly?" We all have a good laugh, since our driver is obviously so amusing. Then we realize that he isn't kidding. We only get to the bus station once four people are standing in the front of the bus giving him directions, and after hitting a bridge on a one way street and going the wrong way through Chinatown. It's at this point that I start to suspect that our "stretch break" was actually the driver stopping to ask for directions.

End result, Sasha and her friend Jenn have to wait a very long time for me. But in the end, all was good. You know why? I got to see my Sasha. She happens to be the best Sasha in the whole world, which adds to the coolness of the fact that she's my bestest friend too. The three of us went to Wendy's, which was not as cool as you would think. I doubt they take barter here, and they managed to not give me my Frosty, and not give Jenn the right salad. Wankers. Dave Thomas never would have stood for this. Dave ran a tight ship.

So we get to Haverford, Frostieless. And I get to meet Sasha's new boyfriend. I mean new very literally, an "as of last night" kind of new. I had just gotten to find about this yesterday morning. Despite being the bestest Sasha ever, her timing is not so. A week earlier, cool. A week later, cool. Heck, four days in either direction would have been sufficient. But no. I am extremely happy that Sasha has a boy, but again, the timing. Slightly annoying.

So yes, Sasha's boy is Christian, and he's really cool. And he's a good match too - so, so, so much feeliness in Christian's room. And he's half Japanese. And his favorite color is blue. And he knows her really well. So all good stuff. After meeting him, Sasha dropped me off at an Exalted game. I miss being geeky. Oh, right, got to meet people too, like Ed, who <3s cock. So that was cool for a while. Sasha stopped in for a bit, then went off to go be self-destructive and see Nick at a party. That was already a little odd, due to the fact that despite my going with Hal to drop off Peter at home, Sasha was not back by the time Hal wanted to go to sleep. Luckily I managed to distract him with geekspeak long enough for Sasha and Co. to return from the party. Sasha was just a little bit drunk. Remember this moment, I'll come back to it when I get to the second part of this entry.

So there was more talking and hanging out, got to meet a few more people, and slept in Christian's room. Feely blanket, feely pillow, good stuff. The morning brought corn fritters, ice cream, jalapeno poppers, Dr. Mario, and a trip to Bryn Mawr, where Sasha actually goes to school. Before we left, met Dustin, a Mawrtyr who Sasha is currently training to be even cooler than she already is. Once at Bryn Mawr we wound up in Dustin's room and I met a bunch of Sasha's other friends. More good times, being other kinds of geeky and just chilling. Sasha made really cool fairy wings for her friend's birthday party, the one that I missed to nap and write this.

So all in all, this is an extremely good break so far. Partly because I got away from AU, and mostly because I missed Sasha an incredible amount and now get to see her for four days. The only down side is getting to feel awkward and pathetic.

The awkward isn't so bad. The reason for this occurring is that everyone I've met so far has heard about me. I've gotten everything from "Ah, so this is the fabled Justin" to "You match her description exactly." And Sasha being "See, I told you he was etc." This isn't so bad, just... awkward, like I said. I feel odd about the fact that I don't really herald Sasha like that when she visits. Part of it is that everyone I know at AU knows her at this point. And on that point, we head on to pathetic

The pathetic is a bigger problem. It started when I realized that yesterday was already the most exciting day I've had all year because I was leaving campus with a purpose other than getting to a store and buying something. Which I've only done... twice. Normally I just, you know, sit in front of my computer for twelve hour stretches. Moving on to people. For the most part, I like the people I've met at both schools here. And they seem to like me. Given that my circle of friends at AU is about three people, and I've mentioned more people than that just counting the ones whose names I've actually written, it shouldn't be too hard to see why that's kinda upsetting. Even Chris' friends don't usually come over unless a) we have alcohol, or b)they need to bitch to Chris about each other. There aren't too many exceptions to that. I've basically done more hanging out in the past two days than I have all year so far at AU.

And the last - back to that moment where Sasha is drunk. A drunk Sasha is a flirtatious Sasha, and after the party especially, a self-destructive Sasha. Did I mention that she has a boyfriend? Or the fact that they wear string around their wrists to remind themselves they have a monogamous relationship? Well, I did now. Either way, Sasha was attempting to hook up with me. That was not good. And guaranteed to raise Justin's Patheticmeter. I've ended somewhere between two and four of Sasha's relationships by fooling around with her. And I don't like being the instrument for her self-destruction. But... I don't want to stop her - I can't think of a person that I want more. So I can play the good guy, and hate myself for passing up something I desperately want with the person I care about most in the world. Or I can be the bad guy, and hate myself for being weak-willed and allowing Sasha to use me to damage something much more important.

Either way, nobody wins, and I quite definitely lose.

And then there was a riot.

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