"'Cause I'm a creep.... I don't belong here....Whatever makes you happy."
--Radiohead, Creep
How do I manage to keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it that I always seem to try and ruin my life, and why do I do it so well?
When I first thought of it, it seemed like such a great idea. Best idea I ever had. No downsides. Make her happier for a while, at the very least. Maybe it did - hopefully it did.
But I shouldn't care this much. Oh god should I not care this much. I haven't felt this bad about anything for the longest time. Not even the last time I cried. That was tears, eyes watering until they spilled over. This is sobbing, body heaving, and a pain in my gut that just won't go away. When I was sitting there I didn't know if I could keep it in. I wanted nothing more than to run out of there, not see her again, not him again, and definitely not them. But I'm an actor always. I smiled, spoke, played my part, and when it came time, took my bow and made my exit.
She asked if I was ok at one point - I said yes. So I guess that I do lie. And I lie to myself about what I want. And if that's so, then I lie about not lying.
She's sleeping here, not there. I want her to stay up there with him. I don't want her to. I don't know which is honest. Probably both. Fuck.
This entry is gonna cause more problems than its worth. But I promised myself that I would never avoid writing here for that reason again. And that time I wasn't lying.