Setting: A common, ordinary hotel in the USA.

KEITH: 'Ey, love! Come up an' see my room! 'S the best outta four o' us.

M: Oh, I'll bet.

M sighs, knowing that all KEITH wants to show her is the bed.

ROGER: Now, don' listen to Keef. My own room's the one ya wanna see.

PETE: Yeah, c'mun an' see our room, M. 'S a lotta fun.

JOHN: Actually, I don' care one way or the otha if ya come to me an' Keef's room or not. To tell ya the truth, I'd rathah ya didn't. Tha' way I can talk to meself wifou' bein' interrupted.

M: Well, maybe I'll come to your room after all, Keith.

KEITH: Groovy! I'll show ya 'round.

JOHN: Wha'd ya do tha' for, Keef? You an' your bleedin' "self-advertisin'". Crikey. I nevah get one second alone.

KEITH: Well, we can frow ya out for the night, if ya want.

M: No! Don't! I mean, I want to talk to both of you.

CUT TO: JOHN and KEITH's shared hotel room. JOHN's side is immacuately kept; totally spotless. KEITH's, however, is completely ravaged, with clothes flung everywhere.

M: Hey Keith, I like your style.

KEITH: Why thank ya, dear gahl!

M: But John, how can you keep your side so... clean?

JOHN: What does it mattah to ya?

M: My room's always messy!

KEITH: Messy? My, I think I like YOUR style, dear gahl.

JOHN: Oh, you would, wouldn't ya, Keef? (to M): Ya see, 'e's quite the lady chamah.

M(sarcastically): Oh, is he? I hadn't noticed.

KEITH wanders off for a few moments. When he returns, JOHN and M are discussing the best ways to keep a room neat. KEITH rolls his eyes in a combination of disbelief and boredom, and casually picks up M's purse. M is so involved in the conversation that she doesn't even realize, until it is too late.

M: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I HAD "THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND THE MONKEES" IN THERE! DIE!

JOHN: Aw Keef, now see what you've been and gone and done?

KEITH: Save me, Jun! She's got tha' glint in 'er eyes! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!

JOHN: Well, maybe you deserve it. Evah think o' tha'?

M has been rooting around, and discovered a very sharp-looking STEAK KNIFE. Before she plunges it into KEITH's chest in cold blood, JOHN attempts to hold her back.

JOHN: 'Ey there! Cut tha' - oh, bad choice o' words - um... 'EY! Don' ya try an' get awaiy from me when I pause for a second!

M: Let go of me! Let me at him! I'll cut open his chest and rip his heart out!

KEITH: Jun! Jun, plaise 'elp! She's goin' to bleedin' kill me! Get this psycho awaiy from me!

M: No, I know what I'll do! I'll wait 'til he's in the shower, and then... RREEE! RREEE! RREEE! RREEE!

JOHN: Very realistic sound effect, tha'.

KEITH: Too realistic! She's gonna kill me! Jun, can't ya see tha' she's gonner murder me?! If she starts dressin' up like 'er dead mothah, I'm gettin' out o' 'ere!

M: We all go a little mad, sometimes... RREEE! RREEE! RREEE! RREEE!

JOHN: Okay, Keef, now she's scarin' me, too.

As JOHN and KEITH run out into the hallway, they see ROGER and PETE standing there, looking shocked.

PETE: Wha's all tha' noise in there?

ROGER: Yeah, it sounds like ya're watchin' Psycho or somethin'!

KEITH: We're not watchin' Psycho, we're bein' chased by one!

M runs out, wielding the STEAK KNIFE.

M: I'll get you, my pretty! And your little friend, too!

ROGER: 'Oo're you callin' lit'le?

M(losing the maniacal look on her face for a second): I don't know, it just sounded good. (to KEITH): GET BACK HERE!

KEITH: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Jun, plaise!

JOHN: Wot am I s'posed to do? Do I look magical or somethin' to you?

M: Stay out of the way, John. I don't want to hurt you. Just LET ME AT HIM!

KEITH: See?! See wot I told ya?! She's gonna kill me!

ROGER: Oh, I can set'le 'er. C'mere, M.

M: Do ya have a way that I could get to him quicker? Huh? Do ya - do ya - do ya?

ROGER kisses M fully and long on the mouth.

M: AAH! Don't EVER kiss me again! Do you hear? NEVER!

ROGER(looking innocent): I'm surry.

M drops the STEAK KNIFE, and jumps at ROGER. They kiss for a loooooooong time.

ROGER: Well, tha's suprisin'.

M: ...I can't resist your accent.

PETE: 'Ow come I nevah get any gahls?

JOHN: Ya're too nasally, Pait.

PETE: Stop wif the bleedin' nose jokes!

M(to ROGER): I must have you!

ROGER: Wot?

M(to KEITH): A-ha! I've got you now!

As M bends down to pick up the STEAK KNIFE, she is kicked square in the arse by ROGER.

M: And to think I was going to waste this on Keith...

When M lunges for ROGER, she misses, and flies into PETE's arms. She looks up into his sparkling blue eyes, completely ignoring his nose.

M: I take it all back... everything... oh, Pete...

M reaches up, and PETE kisses her longer than ROGER did.

JOHN: Well, I'd saiy ya got a gahl now, Pait...

JOHN tenderly picks up the STEAK KNIFE, and gingerly walks back to his room to return it.

PETE: 'Ey! Tha's the first time I've got a gahl before any o' you lads!

KEITH peeks from behind his too-short hiding spot of ROGER's back.

KEITH: Is it safe to - AAAHHH! Plaise don't kill me! I di'n't mean it! Plaise!

M: You are forgi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve-e-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-an!

JOHN strolls back into the hall.

JOHN: My, tha' sounds familiah.

ROGER: Tha' was a lit'le quick, wa'n't it?

PETE: It was A Quick One, while John was away.

EVERYONE except for PETE turns and gives a pained look to the camera.

M (to PETE): My darling, I must remain with you!

PETE: Olrighty...

KEITH: No! I'm afraid I'll tick 'er orf again, and she'll try ta kill me again!

JOHN: Ya live wif tha' threat every day, from Pait an' Rog.

KEITH ponders this for a moment.

ROGER: Well, we can't just keep 'er 'ere! We can't afford it! You, of all paipol, should know tha', Pait!

M: Don't talk about me as if I weren't in the room!

JOHN: We're not in a room. We're out 'ere, in the 'all.

PETE: Good point. Le's go back to my room.

CUT TO: PETE and ROGER's shared hotel room. On ROGER's side, there is a not-so-little black book on the dresser, and oodles of duct tape. On PETE's side, there are bunches of papers, pencils, and musical instruments. M picks up an acoustic guitar as she sits down on the bed.

M: Groovy!

ROGER: So, wha' are we gonna do?

KEITH: Le's keep 'er awaiy from sharp objects.

M: Hey!

ROGER: No, I mean about the cost to keep 'er 'ere!

JOHN: I dunno. But I do agree wif Keef.

ROGER (sighing): Pait? M?

PETE is too busy "teaching" M some chords for them to notice anything. Teaching her how to reach his vocal chords, that is.

ROGER: PAIT! M! Could ya cut tha' out for a second?! I mean, crikey!

M: Huh? Oh, sorry...

M lets go of PETE, and blushes enough to match her hair color. PETE places his arm around M's shoulders.

PETE: We could... we could 'ire 'er! Yeah! She could be... um, wot, exactly, do ya wanna be, M?

M: Well, I love writing songs.

PETE: ...Song-writing Engineer 'Elper Person! 'Ow's that?

ROGER: Well, I guess so.

M: Oh, goody!

KEITH: Oh, no.

Setting: PETE and ROGER's hotel room. It is late at night, and ROGER is out on a date. PETE and M are left there, alone. Giggling can be heard.

M: Oh Pete, stop that!

PETE(innocently): Stop wot?

M: What do you mean, what? (*giggles*) That!

PETE: Why would I wanna stop? We're prob'ly settin' a new record!

M: Mmm-hmm...

PETE: So ya really don' mind me nose?

M: It's just an ordinary nose, Pete. My poor baby! I think you're cute!

They are sitting on top of the bed, snuggling. ROGER walks in, holding hands with his HAPPY ENERGETIC AMIABLE TALKATIVE HAUGHTY ENRAPTURING RANDOM date.

H.E.A.T.H.E.R.: Wow, Rog! What a groovy place you've got here!

ROGER: I know, I know. (to PETE and M): 'Ey, wot're you two doing?

ROGER looks over to see M and PETE in the process of snuggling and kissing. H.E.A.T.H.E.R. glances over at ROGER.

H.E.A.T.H.E.R.: Whaddya say we follow suit?

ROGER: Ya took the words right outta me mouth.

PAN OUT to see the two couples happily kissing, then ZOOM IN to PETE and M.

M: Hey... hey! Heath? HEATH!

ROGER: This is...

H.E.A.T.H.E.R.: M! Hey! Well, let me introduce myself to your guy, anyway. My name is Heather, but you can call me Heath. Everyone else does anyways.

HEATHER smiles, and PETE and M shake hands with her.

M: I haven't seen you in forever!

PETE: 'Ello. 'M Pete. Nice to meet you.

HEATHER: Likewise.

HEATHER looks up, and starts to stare at PETE's nose, overwhelmed by its size.

PETE: Umm... wot are ya starin' at?

HEATHER (blinking rapidly): Uh, nothing. Nothing... at all.

M (whispering to HEATHER): Don't stare at it. He's very insecure.

PETE looks shy. ROGER looks indignant.

ROGER: Well, 'Eath, I'll drive ya 'ome.

HEATHER: Alright. G'night, everyone!

M & PETE (in unison): Good night.

ROGER and HEATHER EXIT, STAGE LEFT.

PETE: Well, now we're alone...

M: All alone...

They kiss. Suddenly, KEITH walks in.

KEITH: So you're really not - Crikey! I think I'm gonner be SICK!

M: Shut up and leave, or, (channels STING in Dune): I WILL KILL YOU!

KEITH's eyes widen, and he quickly slams the door shut. M and PETE resume kissing.

Setting: Once again, PETE and ROGER's hotel room. M is lying in bed with PETE. ROGER is snoring. (The only reason that PETE isn't the one snoring is because he's already awake.)

M: Aah! Where am I?! Oh, Pete, it's just you.

PETE: 'Ello, luff. 'Ow was your night?

M: Fine... I think. We didn't... did we?

PETE (regretfully): No, we didn't.

M: Damn.

ROGER (slowly waking up): Bleedin' 'ell, could you talk any louder?...

PETE: 'Ey, compared to Keef, we're quiet!

A loud BOOM is heard.

M: Speak of the Devil...

JOHN stumbles in the door.

JOHN: Can I use your toilet? 'E just blew ours up.

ROGER points, and nods.

JOHN returns, a look of gratefulness on his face. He EXITS, STAGE RIGHT.

CUT TO: THE MAGIC BUS. Alright, so it isn't magic, but it sure as hell looks cool.

M: THE MAGIC BUS! I want it, I want it, I want it...

PETE: Can't have it! Besides, we need it. 'S our tour bus.

KEITH: Erm... I'm not gonna be sittin' where she is. (in a side whisper to JOHN): She must be a psycho! First she tries to kill me, then she's in love wif Pait, an' NOW she thinks the bus is MAGIC!

JOHN smirks appreciatively. M and PETE overhear him, and scowl.

PETE: Aw, c'mun, le's go.

Every section of the bus looks psychedelic, to say the very least. Each is separated from the others by strands of curtain beads.

M: Oh, groovy! This reminds me of home!

JOHN: 'Ome? Where's ya 'ome? In a motah park?

M scowls.

M: I was referring to the curtain beads!

JOHN: Oh, is tha' wot it was...

M: Shurrup!

ROGER: Tha' sounded almos'... Brit'sh. Where're ya from, any'ow?

M: The USA! That's all that matters! We broke free from you over 200 years ago!

ROGER: Yeah, we gave you tha' lit'le island.

M: Were you there, fighting?

ROGER: Wot?

M: I can't think of a good comeback.

ROGER: Yeah.

M leaps into ROGER's arms. She kisses him on the lips, to the shock of everybody.

M: That effing accent!

ROGER grins smugly over at PETE, who continues to scowl.

PETE: If ya think ya can treat me like tha' all the time, well, I'm sorry, baby.

At that, M flies into PETE's arms at the speed of light.

PETE: Now tha's bettah.

M: I'm tired from all this hopping around!

JOHN rolls his eyes. KEITH laughs. ROGER smirks.

JOHN: 'Ey, look at this spider, crawlin' up the wall.

M screams.

M: Kill it! Kill it! No spiders! Please! No spiders!

She buries her head into PETE's shoulder.

PETE (whispering to JOHN): Don' kill it!

ROGER (overhearing): Don' kill it? Wha', is your head full o' rocks?

M: Oh, Rogie!

KEITH: Wha'd 'e saiy now?

PETE: ROG! Stop it, would ya?

ROGER: 'S not my fault! Wha'd I saiy? "Rock"?

M swoons, and nearly faints. PETE decides to finally kill the spider.

M: Oh, my hero! Ya know, even with his accent, I still love you better.

JOHN: Yeah, look at 'im. The extr'ordin'ry Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend, capable of great songwriting, singing, guitar plaiying, and... killin' spiders.

KEITH: 'E's got my vote! Ooh, Pait, kill anuthah spidah!

M: Letch!

SEEMINGLY RANDOM DRIVER: We're 'ere!

CUT TO: THE STAGE. An awesome heat is produced from the lights, but to the side of the stage, where M stands, is cooler.

M (to herself): Crikey, they would have to do "Boris The Spider" first, wouldn't they. Stupid John sounds so stupid sexy... stupid most requested song...

HEATHER: Hey, is this a private convo, or can I join?

M almost has a heart attack.

M: How long have you been here? And how'd ya get back here?

HEATHER: My dad knows some people in the biz, and I've been back here for all of... 2 minutes. How'd you get back here?

M: I came with the guys.

HEATHER: Cool! I should've known.

As HEATHER and M look over onto the stage, they can see ROGER twirling his microphone, and HEATHER sighs. PETE jumps and M, being a weaker sort when it comes to love, faints outright. HEATHER doesn't look surprised, just amused.

HEATHER (lightly kicking M): C'mon, get up. Get up, M. You're missing the show.

M bounces back to life, so she can gawk at PETE and the rest of THE WHO for the rest of the show.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: The end of the show. THE WHO bound offstage, and ROGER is surprised, to say the very least, to see HEATHER.

ROGER: 'Ey, babe! 'Ow'd ya get back 'ere?

HEATHER: Oh, my dad knows some people...

Meanwhile, PETE and M have rejoined. They are hugging so tightly that it looks like someone Superglued them together.

M: You guys sounded wonderful!

PETE: Why thank ya, darling!

M nearly faints when he says "darling". PETE is happy to have this directed at HIM for once, instead of ROGER. JOHN and KEITH look on in distaste, mixed with a bit of jealousy.

KEITH: Right bloody not fair. Pait can get a girl, an' we can't. Bloody 'ell.

JOHN: Right. Look at 'em. M and Pait are so... cozy together. She's bleedin' 'ostile towards us. Why?

KEITH: "Us"? Whaddya mean, "us"? She wa'n't tryin' to 'urt you, Jun. She was tryin' to kill me!

JOHN: True. Yuck - they're gettin' all creepy-crawly ovah each othah.

JOHN holds his hands out, waiting. (He had seen M's swoony reaction to him singing "Boris The Spider" before.) Not even a second later, they are filled.

M: Did you say "creepy-crawly"?

JOHN: Mm-hmm!

Now they kiss, and PETE doesn't bother to hide the tone of annoyance in his voice.

PETE: Bleedin' CHRIST! Look at 'em, Keef. Tha's bloody well my gahl, an' she's all bloody ovah Jun.

KEITH: I saiy ya leave 'er. She's no good.

PETE: Yeah, bu' she's got a job wif us!

KEITH: So wha'? Fire 'er.

PETE: Good idea. M?

M pauses her making out with JOHN for a second, and glances up towards PETE.

PETE: You're - you're... fired.

M: Ah well. Can't win 'em all, right John?

JOHN: Now wait a minute! You've no valid reason to fire 'er from 'er job. Jus' 'cause you don' like 'er personal taste righ' now, tha' don' mean tha' she's no longah a good Song-writing Engineer 'Elper Person!

PETE: Blast it.

KEITH looks disgusted with the situation. Suddenly, a bug from outside flies in.

KEITH: 'Ey look, a butterfly!

M kneels down and starts kissing KEITH's feet.

KEITH(grinning broadly): 'A'a! I've got a waiy for 'er, too!

M stands up and kisses KEITH on the lips. When the kiss is done, he grins happily, and puts his arm around her waist. She puts her arm around his shoulders.

ROGER and HEATHER walk over. ROGER isn't jealous of KEITH, he's merely amused at M not being able to resist accents.

ROGER: 'M surry. Yeah. Rock.

PETE: I'm sorry, baby.

JOHN: Look who's crawling up my wall...

KEITH: Girl's eyes, butterflies...

M (a la April Conquest): I love you all! Oh!

M faints, and is curled up in a little huddle.

HEATHER (a la John Lennon): You NAUGHTY BOYS! I'd better go back with you, so I can help her.

HEATHER single-handedly picks M up, and trots back to the bus with THE WHO, who are holding their heads down in shame.

CUT TO: THE TOUR BUS again. M is lying down in a cot, and HEATHER is tending to her. JOHN walks up to them.

JOHN (worried): Is she gonna be olright?

HEATHER (matter-of-factly): She's had a nervous collapse, you jerks! It's 'cause she's in love with all four of you! Crikey! Didn't you learn anything from "Monkees Get Out More Dirt"?

JOHN: "Monkees Get Out More Dirt"?

ROGER: Yeah, the one wif tha' April lady, right?

HEATHER beams. JOHN, KEITH, and PETE stare at him.

ROGER: Well, wha' do ya expect me ta do when I get back to the 'otel? I don' ALWAIYS get a gahl, ya know.

PETE: So ya watch "The Monkees"? Christ! You're too clean for this band sometimes, Daltrey.

ROGER looks like he's about to punch PETE, but stops when M starts to stir.

KEITH: She's wakin' up!

JOHN: M! Are ya -

PETE(cutting JOHN off): M! Love! Are ya olright? Plaise, plaise saiy yes!

M: Ummm... where am I?

PETE: You're on the tour bus! Will you be olright?

M: I think so...

JOHN: So, 'oo do ya love best, outta all the boys?

M (sobbing): I don't know!

PETE (concerned): Don't cryyyyyyyyyy, don't raise your eyyyyyyyyyeeees, it's only... love's... wasteland!

M: STOP! STOP! STOP! All the accents, give me time to breathe...

PETE: Wot?

M: STOP! STOP! STOP! All the accents, or I'll have to leave...

HEATHER: Pete, please! Stop, like she says. Okay, M, who do you love best out of The Who?

M whispers into HEATHER's ear.

HEATHER: That's what I thought. PETE!

PETE: Wot?

HEATHER whispers what M told her into PETE's ear.

PETE: Wheep-woo!

M: Kretch! Stop!

KEITH: "Wheep-woo"? "Kretch"?

HEATHER: Nothing. Pay no attention. That's how I stay sane.

ROGER: You're sane? Coulda fooled me.

HEATHER: Shut up.

JOHN: So who's she like the best?

PETE: ME! DUH!

JOHN: Well, I jus' though' tha' you were 'appy 'cause you were gettin' 'er orf ya back.

M looks at JOHN incredously. It takes all the willpower she can muster to NOT slap him across the face.

Setting: PETE and ROGER's hotel room. HEATHER and ROGER are sitting on one bed; M and PETE are on the other. The two couples are staring at each other, having nothing better to do.

ROGER: My, this is a ton o' fun.

M: I'd say.

HEATHER: Yup.

PETE: You bet.

CUT TO: JOHN and KEITH's hotel room. They are sitting on their beds, staring at each other, also having nothing better to do.

JOHN: This is fun.

KEITH: Whaddya mean, fun?! This is a load of bollocks! Crikey! I need a gahl!

KEITH storms out of the room, and probably into a pub, searching for the very thing.

JOHN: Well, I was 'aving fun...

SPLIT SCREEN: The two couples on the left, and JOHN on the right. ROGER, PETE, M, and HEATHER collectively sigh, and JOHN does this big doofy grin.

CUT TO: A seedy, sweaty, smokey club. KEITH is reveling in it, his drink the only company he wants right now. Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS WOMAN IN BLACK appears.

M.W.I.B.: Hey. What's up?

KEITH: Nuffin'. Care to join me?

M.W.I.B.: Sure, why not? Bartender? Cranberry juice.

KEITH: Cranberry-? Well, wotever. Wot's ya name? 'M Keef.

M.W.I.B.: I'm Courtney.

As COURTNEY takes a sip of her drink, she spits it out in disgust.

COURTNEY(to BARTENDER): You have seemed to give me only alcohol, and forgotten the actual juice! When I say "cranberry juice", that's what I expect! Not some alcoholic crap!

The BARTENDER quickly hurries over, and replaces her drink. KEITH looks disgusted with her statement, and decides to call it quits with this alcohol-free girl. KEITH quickly finishes his drink.

KEITH: Come wif me. I've got someone you'd like to meet.

CUT BACK TO: JOHN and KEITH's hotel room. JOHN is still staring at the spot where KEITH used to be sitting.

KEITH: Jun, meet Courtney. Courtney, meet Jun.

JOHN glances up, and smiles - sort of. The doofy grin on his face was still there, but it quickly fades, and is replaced by a thin smirk.

JOHN: 'Ello!

COURTNEY: Hello.

KEITH grins.

KEITH: I think you two'll be perfect for each otha.

JOHN: Yeah. I like ya color choice.

JOHN nods at her, and then to his own black clothes. COURTNEY smiles.

COURTNEY: My love beads are warm. My peace beads are cool.

JOHN: So wha's tha' mean?

KEITH (interrupting): I 'ate 'ippies.

COURTNEY: It's an indicator that means I'm in love.

KEITH (happily): I love bein' a matchmaker!

JOHN: I think I love you too!

They kiss, and KEITH wipes a tear from his eye.

KEITH: It's so... touching! Wait a minute!

Normally, JOHN and COURTNEY would've looked up, but they are too busy playing tonsil hockey.

KEITH (bitterly): I still 'aven't got a gahl.

Miserable, KEITH decides to go to sleep (for once!). It is at this time that JOHN and COURTNEY decide to bound over into PETE, M, HEATHER, and ROGER's lives across the hall.

JOHN(busting the door open): 'Ey! Guess wot!

M: Ooh, a guessing game! Funness!

PETE(to M): "Funness"?

M shrugs, then squeals when COURTNEY walks in the door.

M: Courtney!

COURTNEY: Hey M! Isn't this groovy?

HEATHER: M, is this the Courtney you were telling me about?

M: The one and only!

JOHN: Pooey. That ruined my surprise. M, 'ow come ya 'ave to know everyone?

PETE: Well, we still don' know 'er! 'Oo is she?

COURTNEY: I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you!

PETE: I'm Pete, Pete - Townshend.

COURTNEY (to ROGER): Oh, you must be Roger!

ROGER: I must be.

COURTNEY: Well, are you?

ROGER: Yeah.

M squeals with delight, but decides to faint in PETE's arms, instead of ROGER's.

HEATHER: Roger, what did I tell you about that accent?

Before ROGER can say "I'm surry", HEATHER claps her hand over his mouth, and apologizes for him.

JOHN: Well, I'll be goin' back to our room.

PETE: Olrighty. G'night. An' nice meetin' ya, Courtney.

COURTNEY: You too! Bye!

The new couple walk out, holding hands and singing.

Setting: A cold, dank, dark house, on top of a lonely hill. Our seven heroes pile in, two by two, except for KEITH, who parades in front.

KEITH: So, why're we 'ere again?

M: I know someone here that you'll wanna meet.

ROGER: If she lives 'ere, I don' know why we'd wanna meet 'er.

KEITH: Especially since you're not quite sane yourself, M. Remember when you tried to kill me?

M: Oh, I've put that all behind me now. Just don't make me mad...

EVERYONE, sans M, COURTNEY, and HEATHER, gulps. COURTNEY and HEATHER know M too well, and laugh.

JOHN (going back to the original subject): 'Ey, I like this place!

PETE: You would.

LOUD VOICE: The PHAAAAAAAAAAAAANTOM of the opera is theeeeeerrrrrrrrre!

PETE: Wha' the bleedin' 'ell is tha'?

M: That would be her...

The LOUD VOICE apparently has a body, and slides down a spiral staircase. As she makes eye contact with KEITH, the words "O, sweet mystery of life, at last I have found thee!" are mysteriously sung.

KEITH: What is tha'?

M: Katie, are you playing that stupid record again?

KATIE: Oh, sorry.

KEITH: Huh?

M: Everybody, this is my older sister, Katie.

JOHN (whispering to ROGER): I see the family resemblance...

ROGER smirks, and M gives him the evil eye.

KATIE: Oh, hello! How is everyone today?

EVERYONE mumbles variations of "pretty good", "alright", "okay", and things like that.

KEITH: M, this is who ya wanted me ta meet?

KATIE: Groovy, dude! Like, far-out, psychedelic funness!

KEITH: I 'ate 'ippies.

KATIE: Well, whatever. I don't even know what all that junk is supposed to mean, anyway.

COURTNEY: I do.

M: Well, Katie, don't just leave us standing here, in the lobby!

KATIE: Oh! Right. Well, why don't you come up to the lab -

M sighs.

KATIE: - and see what's on the slab? I could show you my favourite - obsession.

M: Hey - I'm the one who's obsessed with things!

HEATHER (to KATIE): You have a lab?

KATIE: Sure! Doesn't everybody?

PETE: I do! It's called Eel Pie.

EVERYONE(sans PETE): Eeeeeewwwwww!

ROGER: 'Oo would wanna eat eel pie?!

JOHN: Actu'lly, I bet 's good.

HEATHER: You would.

KEITH: Well, le's go an' see the lab anyway. Maybe it'll ge' us 'igh!

M: No, Katie doesn't deal in anything illegal...

KATIE: Sez who?

M: ...I think.

PETE: Whaddya mean, "sez who"? We di'n't saiy a word!

KATIE: Well... you know... and... DON'T CONFUSE ME!

M: Ya see, she gets confused quite easily.

Anyway... The eight of them march up the spiral staircase that KATIE had previously slid down, and into a sparkilng-white room.

JOHN: Ow! This is 'urtin' me eyes!

ROGER: It should, considerin' all the black ya wear.

COURTNEY: Is this like, the inner light? The spiritual awakening?

KATIE: God, no!

KEITH: Phew!

KATIE: C'mon, let me show you the slab.

KATIE whisks away the cloth covering this "slab", and on it is...

PETE: A bowl of Insta-Noodles?

KATIE: Well, they LOOK like Insta-Noodles on top, but when ya really look at 'em, they're...

ROGER: Golden curly hair?

KEITH: A new kind o' drug?

COURTNEY: The secret to life?

PETE: Nose-reducahs?

JOHN: The key ta bettah whiskey?

HEATHER: Nothing at all?

M: No, no, you're all wrong. It's PONYTAIL-HOLDERS!

KATIE: None of you got it! Well, except for M. Stupid know-it-all sister!

M: Thank you, thank you.

EVERYONE stares at KATIE and M blankly. All at once, they figure...

EVERYONE (sans M and KATIE): Sisterly weirdness.

M & KATIE: That's us!

M: That's my line.

KATIE: No it's not. Shut up.

M: Okay, I will.

M refuses to talk for the rest of the scene. EVERYONE cheers.

HEATHER: So, why exactly are you showing us this?

KATIE: As soon as you put them in, your hair will not move.

PETE: Olrighty then...

KEITH: Ooh! Does it work if ya eat one after taking a drug so ya stay 'igh forevah?

KATIE: Umm...

M silently protests, but is largely ignored.

KATIE: ...it might be dangeous.

M nods, but you can't hear a nod!

KEITH: Dangerous? I'm Keef Moon!

KEITH pops two into his mouth. They won't go all the way down his throat.

EVERYONE does a Typical Monkees Scare, and KATIE ends up giving KEITH the Heimlich manuever, which finally works. The ponytail-holders shaped like Insta-Noodles come flying out of KEITH's throat. (Just thought I'd give you that image...)

KEITH: Katie! Ya saved me life! 'Ow can I evah repay ya?

KATIE: You could...

HEATHER: Go out with her!

KEITH: Gladly! Dear gahl, I'm glad I know ya.

KATIE: Likewise, Mr. Moon.

EVERYONE laughs, except for M, who stands there, pouting. She was the one who wanted to match them up, but she couldn't talk, remember?

Setting: JOHN and KEITH's hotel room, the next day.

JOHN (to no one in particular): We're all done tourin'. We can go 'ome.

KEITH: Why'd we wanna go 'ome? Why don't the eight of us do sumtin' togethah?

KATIE: Ooh, funness!

COURTNEY: Would ya stop with the "funness" thing? It's getting really old.

KATIE: 'M surry.

COURTNEY: You're not British. Stop trying to be.

KATIE: 'M surry.

COURTNEY: Shut up!

CUT TO: ROGER and PETE's hotel room.

M (to HEATHER): I don't get why you an' Rog don't sleep in the same bed.

HEATHER: Hey, I've known him for, what? Three or four DAYS now?

M: Your point?

HEATHER rolls her eyes.

HEATHER: What I don't get is why you sleep in the same bed as Pete. How can you stand the snoring?

PETE: 'Ey!

M: He snores, I talk in my sleep... we're a perfect match for each other.

PETE (to M): I'd saiy, babe.

PETE grabs M, and they kiss. HEATHER rolls her eyes again, and looks down at ROGER sleeping valiantly on the floor. She looks back over at PETE and M, who continue to kiss. Suddenly, KEITH, JOHN, KATIE, and COURTNEY burst through the door.

KATIE: I'm gonna be sick! That's my sister!

M hears KATIE's voice, and pulls away from PETE. She throws a pillow at KATIE.

M: Whaddya want?

KEITH: We think we should do sumtin' togethah, since we're orf!

HEATHER: Such as...?

KEITH: Ummm... Jun?

JOHN: I dunno. Drive from New York, where we are now, to California?

COURTNEY: Ooh, good idea!

PETE: All the waiy? I saiy we fly to Independence, Missouri, and then go to Oregon.

M: Ooh, the Oregon Trail!

PETE: Exactly.

KATIE: Wait, you're British, how do you know about the Oregon Trail?

PETE: It's all M evah talks about.

M blushes.

HEATHER: We could rent a wagon, and get oxen and supplies! This is gonna be fun!

KEITH: Yeah, travel the fields, instead o' on the roads. Maybe we'll find some grass...

KATIE: Of course we'll find grass, dummy.

PETE smirks at KATIE's lack of understanding.

M: Keith's not the dummy! You are the dummy, dummy!

KEITH: 'Ey, someone's stickin' up for me!

PETE: Nah, she's not the dummy. Rog is.

HEATHER & KATIE: Hey!

HEATHER: Stop being mean to Roger!

KATIE: I know why they're doing it. It's because he's short, that's why. He's short...

M: Fine, we'll pin all the short jokes on you, 5'3".

KATIE: Shut up, you stupid tall person.

M laughs evilly.

COURTNEY (bringing everyone back down to reality): So, when should we start this amazing journey?

PETE beams at COURTNEY.

M: Tomorrow morning!

PETE: Good idea.

JOHN: Olright. Bye Pait, 'Eath, an' M.

As JOHN, KEITH, COURTNEY, and KATIE walk out, M sighs, and lies back down on her bed. HEATHER drops a nail file off of the nightstand, and the noise instantly wakes ROGER up.

HEATHER: Oh, you're up! Have we got a lot to tell you!

ROGER: No ya don't. We're goin' on a trip like the Oregon Trail.

M: Ya mean you were awake all this time?

ROGER: No I wasn't.

PETE: He's just very perceptive.

M & HEATHER: Ohh...

CUT TO: The next morning. Our heroes arrived in Independence, Missouri, last night. THE WHO and the girls have split up a bit, one group getting the supplies, the other getting the oxen and the wagon. The group getting the supplies are KEITH, KATIE, PETE, and M. However, right now we are with the wagon- and oxen-buyers, ROGER, HEATHER, JOHN, and COURTNEY.

ROGER: Le's get the one that'll give us the most for our money.

HEATHER: Good. We need to save all the money we can.

COURTNEY: This Conestoga wagon here is the best value. If we buy two, we'll save money!

JOHN suddenly smacks his forehead.

ROGER, HEATHER, & COURTNEY: What?

JOHN: Do you REALIZE who we left to get the supplies?

HEATHER, ROGER, and COURTNEY all smack their foreheads in unison.

CUT TO: PETE, M, KATIE, and KEITH.

KEITH: Ooh, goody, more brandy!

PETE: Yeah, get a lot o' that.

M: Hey, this thing looks cool! Should we get it?

KATIE: What does it do?

M: Who knows? It looks cool... I'm buying it.

KATIE: We really shouldn't be spending all this money. We should only buy what we need.

KEITH: Who asked you? Besides, dear gahl,we DO need all this stuff!

PETE: Ooh! Look at this stuff 'ere!

M: What is it?

PETE(reading the tag): "Genuine hemp."

KATIE: Yeah, you use that kind to make bracelets, not for smoking.

M: Are you sure?

KATIE: Positive.

PETE: Damn.

KEITH: Ah well, le's get it anywaiy. Though I seriously doubt it, p'r'aps KK's wrong.

KEITH piles it into their cart.

Finally, the time comes for the two groups to merge once again.

HEATHER: Oh, no...

KEITH, KATIE, M, and PETE are each carrying three HUGE bags, full of assorted stuff.

JOHN smacks his forehead again.

M: Right, let's load it up into the wagons, and GO!

It takes all eight of them at least an hour to load all of the junk into the wagons. Meanwhile, the air is filled with comments like "Why'd you buy this?", "What the heck is this thing?", and "Did ya REALLY need so much of this?" Finally, the wagons are filled.

M: Right, let's hitch up the oxen! Eight to a wagon.

THE OXEN attempt to pull the wagon, but fail.

HEATHER: Ah, we're gonna have to dump some stuff.

KEITH: NOT THE BRANDY! PLEASE, NOT THE BRANDY!

PETE (hopefully): We could... buy more oxen?

JOHN: No we can't. 'S too much money.

ROGER: I saiy ya dump the brandy. 'S not good for ya, anywaiy.

KEITH: Well, let it not go to waste!

EVERYONE (except for ROGER) decides tp have a mini(?)-drinking party. Eventually, ROGER joins in, and they all have a blast. However, they all end up drunk off their asses.

M (hiccuping): So all the brandy's-hic!-gone. Ever-hic!-every-hic!-drop. Hic!

PETE (elated): Yup. You better, you bet! Hee, ha!

COURTNEY (giggling incessantly): Heeheehee, heh-heeheehee! We should get-hee! hee!-someone to-heeheeheehee!-drive the wagon, eh? Heeheehee!

ROGER (pissed off): Well, it looks like I'VE got to do all the bleedin' work, AGAIN.

HEATHER (upset): Aww... let me (*sob!*) help you...

HEATHER breaks down and starts crying uncontrollably.

KATIE (unable to stop smiling): C'mon, don't cry! It's a happy day! Happy, happy, HAPPY!

M: Hic!-Stop-hic!-stop that, would you? Hic!

JOHN (bitter): Bloody fucking arse'oles. Don't know when to fucking stop their fucking drinking...

KEITH (perfectly normal): My, YOU guys certainly can't 'andle a lit'le drink...

JOHN: Shaddup, ya wankah.

M:Now it'll-hic!-it'll-hic!-all be alright. Just-hic!-just sleep it off-hic!-off.

EVERYONE retires to either WAGON for the night. JOHN, COURTNEY, M, and PETE are in one, and KEITH, KATIE, ROGER, and HEATHER are in the other.

Setting: The wagon which contained JOHN, M, PETE, and COURTNEY. M can feel a body next to her. She smiles, and kisses his forehead.

M: Hey, hun! Last night was great!

JOHN: Mine was too...

They both jump. M suddenly realizes she's naked, and next to JOHN, instead of PETE. Then she realizes who she slept with last night.

M & JOHN: Oh, shit...

M: Um, I mean... no offense or anything, you were really great and all, it's just...

JOHN: Yeah, I know how ya feel. I mean, you were too, but...

M (reluctantly): I guess we shouldn't have gotten so drunk...

JOHN (quietly): Yeah, but it WAS good... an' I've alwaiys liked you, M...

JOHN hugs M closer, and M returns the embrace, until...

M: Wait! What about Courtney and Pete?

JOHN and M glance over to COURTNEY and PETE, who are still asleep, their bodies ALSO entwined.

M: Well, I guess it's alright... I've always liked you too, ya know...

JOHN pulls M tighter and kisses her while we

FADE TO: ROGER, KATIE, KEITH, and HEATHER's wagon. The same scenario applies - somewhat.

KATIE: Ooh, last night was so much fun!

ROGER: I'd say, babe.

Then ROGER and KATIE go through basically the same guilty feelings and everything as JOHN and M, until they look over at HEATHER, far, far away from KEITH.

KATIE & ROGER: Oh, shit...

ROGER: Well, um, put ya clothes on, an' I'll put mine on, an' go ovah there, so it looks like NO ONE slept togethah. Olright?

KATIE quickly nods, and does as she is told.

CUT BACK TO: M, JOHN, PETE, and COURTNEY's wagon.

M: Wow! I can't believe... I did that while I was fully sober.

JOHN: Umm... me either. Do ya think we should ditch the othah two, an' run orf somewhere?

M (laughing): Oh, John! That's crazy! (seriously): And I like it.

So, JOHN and M hastily and quietly get packed away. They slip through the front, and steal an ox. They disappear into the rising sun.

Setting: LATER THAT DAY. COURTNEY, PETE, KATIE, KEITH, HEATHER, and ROGER are all gathered together, looking for the newly-missing JOHN and M.

COURTNEY: Oh gee, I wonder where the went...

PETE (bitterly): Well, ONE thing I know is that they're probably together...

KEITH: Wot makes ya saiy tha'?

KATIE: Please. Before she actually met you guys, John was her favorite.

PETE (even MORE bitterly): Hmm. So she took ME when she couldn't get JUN.

HEATHER (trying to keep the peace): No, no, she didn't! Remember when she said that she loved you best out of ALL the boys?

PETE: Yes, but she could've planned this whole thing or sumtin'... Ya know, set up the guy wif the big nose, then break 'is 'eart by runnin' orf wif Jun...

ROGER: 'Ey, man, calm down a lit'le! Now, I know M, an' I don' think she'd be THA' cruel.

KATIE: Oh, yes, she would.

ROGER (elbowing KATIE): Stop it! You're ruinin' me cause!

KATIE: Hey! That hurt! And besides that, she's MY sister! And even I don't know her that well! No one does.

COURTNEY: Then boy, are we in trouble.

ROGER: Whaddya mean, "we"? 'Ow would we be in trouble?

COURTNEY: Well... I mean that John and M are gonna be in trouble when they get back... I'm gonna kill that stupid little redhead and MY stupid boyfriend...

KEITH: Well... why don't you an' Pait get togethah, now that Jun an' M are gone?

PETE & COURTNEY (nervously): Umm... heh heh ha... um...

COURTNEY: I think we should.

PETE: Olright then, so it's settled!

KEITH: Oh goody! I'm a matchmakah once again!

HEATHER: Well, we should CONTINUE our search for John and M! The longer we wait, the farther they get away!

KATIE: Yeah, you guys. If we don't find them, you're short a bass player. And worse than that, I'll be short a sister!

ROGER: She's right. C'mun!

CUT TO: Deep in the middle of a forest. JOHN and M are sitting there, having taken a break for a little bit. It is extremely quiet, and they are enjoying the serenity.

M: I love you, John.

JOHN: I love you too, M.

They kiss for a while, and then suddenly M pulls away.

JOHN: Wot's wrong? Did I do something? 'M surry, if I did.

M: No, no... it's not you, hun. I just wish that I could've told Pete "I'm sorry." I mean, I was so attracted to him and all, I thought I loved him... but I love you... and he might think I led him on or something.

JOHN: Oh gee... Courtney, too... I hope that they didn't take this the wrong way...

M: Hmm... actually, I bet that THEY'VE gotten together!

They both laugh, and then M sighs.

JOHN: Don't worry, 'un. It'll all be olright.

JOHN gives M a light kiss, which quickly becomes something more. M realizes that ANYONE could come along and see them, but for once, she doesn't care. She just decides to let whatever will happen, happen, and responds to John in equal measure.

CUT BACK TO: The other six, still searching for JOHN and M. In the meantime, COURTNEY and PETE have been getting pretty "friendly", enough to make KATIE suspicious.

KATIE: Hey, how do we know that YOU two didn't set this up, hmm? I mean, you don't seem too awfully upset that your "exes" are missing.

KEITH: Yeah! An' I know tha' you 'aven't been too 'appy wif Jun lately, Pait. 'Ow can we prove that they left on their own accord?

PETE: 'Ey! Why would I wanna gerrid of the only gahl 'oo evah liked me?

ROGER: 'E 'as a point.

KATIE: Well, for M being the only girl who ever liked you, what does that make Courtney? You look like more than just friends to me.

COURTNEY: Hey! Just because I happen to like Pete a little, doesn't mean...

KEITH: A LITTLE?! Crikey, you two are all ovah each othah! I'd 'ate to 'ave to see ya wif a guy you were crazy 'bout, then!

COURTNEY: Shut up!

KATIE: Hmm... I'll be keeping my eye on you two... you better bet your lives on that!

COURTNEY: Great...

PETE: You better bet your lives... hmm...

CUT BACK TO: JOHN and M in the forest.

M: Aah! What was that noise?!

JOHN: 'M sure it was nuffin', babe. C'mun, I'll protect ya from... whatever that noise is.

JOHN and M scream as a towering shadow engulfs them.

FLASH-CUT TO: KEITH, KATIE... blah blah blah, you know the rest.

KATIE: Why do I feel sudden dread?

COURTNEY: Uh-oh.

HEATHER: What now?

COURTNEY: My peace beads are burning hot, and my love beads are freezing cold.

KEITH: Wha' the bleedin' 'ell is THA' supposed to mean?

COURTNEY: Someone's... someone's... dead.

ROGER: NO!

PETE: It's not... it's not... no!

ROGER: NO!

KATIE: My sister... she's... she's...

ROGER: NO!

HEATHER: What am I gonna do? M! (*sobs*)

ROGER: NO!

KATIE and KEITH start crying hysterically on each others shoulders, KEITH being at a loss for words. HEATHER is also crying, into ROGER's shoulder, while he stands, stoney-faced. PETE is crying into COURTNEY's shoulder while she stands, stoney-faced.

Setting: A bright white light is shining down on JOHN and M from somewhere. Light blue fluffy clouds surround them.

M: John? Are we... dead?

JOHN: It certainly looks tha' waiy, doe'n't it.

It was a statement, not a question, but M nervously nods, anyway.

M: I once heard that everyone goes to Heaven first, where you are judged if you should be sent to Hell or not.

JOHN: My, tha's reassuring.

M: 'M surry.

JOHN kisses M, now seeing how the accent had affected her.

JOHN: I don' know exactly wot came ovah me!

M: Don't worry. I understand.

Time rolls on, ever-so-slowly. Finally, a period of (give-or-take a few) seven years passes.

KEITH: So this is where you guys were!

JOHN: Keef?! 'S only 1978! Ya shouldn't be up 'ere yet!

M: Keith! We haven't talked to you in... 7 years!

KEITH: Well, ya see, I accidentally ovahdosed on some pills to 'elp me alcoholism...

M: That's sad, hun. We've been watchin' you, and you were doing pretty good!

KEITH: Yeah, well, ya can't win 'em all. Oh, an' Jun, we 'ad took ya body an' used someone else for the voice an' bass playin'. Was workin' pretty good too, 'cause ya nevah used to move.

JOHN glares at KEITH, but then smiles in forgiveness. All at once, they all group-hug.

M: Awwww! I love ya guys.

JOHN & KEITH: Awwww!

M: So we're dead. But we're happy!

M, JOHN, & KEITH: Awwww!

NARRATOR: WAIT! We're trying to run, before we can crawl, here! Do ya wanna go back a little and see how the guys find JOHN and M's bodies, do ya? Well, actually, it's a little gross to describe what the bodies looked like -

KATIE, KEITH, PETE, COURTNEY, HEATHER, & ROGER: Eeeeeewww!!!

NARRATOR: Anyway... JOHN, M, and their OX were killed by a very hungry bear. MR. BEAR pretty much destroyed M's and the OX's body, but JOHN's was more intact. So, as KEITH said before, they cleaned JOHN's body up, preserved it, and used it on stage. (Don't even ASK me how it kept under those hot lights.) PETE and COURTNEY ended up getting married, and are still "more than friends". HEATHER and ROGER also tied the knot, but divorced when HEATHER left ROGER for PETER TORK. Which worked out perfectly well for KATIE, when, becoming KEITH's widow in 1978, married ROGER.

(As the credits roll, we see JOHN, KEITH, and M kick-dancing up in HEAVEN.)

Starring(in order of appearance):

KEITH MOON as himself

M as herself

ROGER DALTREY as himself

PETE TOWNSHEND as himself

JOHN ENTWISTLE as himself

HEATHER as herself

JOHN LENNON as seemingly random driver

COURTNEY as herself

DAVY JONES as bartender

KATIE as herself

MR. BEAR as himself

and, last but not least...

MICK JAGGER as narrator