[Open in a quiet beach in Blackpool, England. THE WHO and THE GIRLS have gone out for the day to the seaside, mainly because KEITH and HEATHER BURDON nagged them all to go. HEATHER BURDON and KEITH are building huge sandcastles and then jumping on top of them to squash them. PETE and EMILY are reading, ROGER and KATIE are sunbathing and HEATHER TORK and JOHN are swimming in the sea]

KEITH: [triumphantly] I fink that’s cahstle nambah seven, innit, ‘Ev?
HEATHER B: Yeah, certainly is!
KEITH: When do we stop?
HEATHER B: When I say so!
KEITH: [sniggers] I love it when you say that, ‘Ev!
HEATHER B: So do I, makes me feel in charge!

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON jump on top of castle #7 and destroy it while cackling maniacally]

PETE: Cam on, cat it aut!
EMILY: Yeah, and besides, it’s nearly lunchtime!
ALL: [rubbing their hands together in glee] Ooh, lunchtime!
ROGER: ‘Oo made it?
HEATHER B: It was me and Keith. We decided to go on a beach theme, didn’t we, love?

[KEITH nods]

KATIE: What do you mean?
KEITH: Wew, take f’rixarmpuw, the sandwiches…
HEATHER B: Yeah, made out of real sand.

[Everyone else takes a bite, they discover to their horror that KEITH and HEATHER BURDON aren’t lying]

PETE: [spitting the sand out of his mouth] That’s jast disgastin’!

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON grin cheekily]

KEITH: Fanks!
HEATHER: And then there’s the water…
KEITH: Real sea water.

[Again, everyone discovers that KEITH and HEATHER BURDON are telling the truth]

EMILY: Did you make any proper food?
KEITH: Yeah, cowse we did!
HEATHER B: Yeah, what do you think we are?!

[Everyone stares at them, not sure how to answer it]

KEITH: Look, ‘ere are sam chocolate biscuits, an’ sam ‘am sarnies, an’ sam brandy fer me an’, er…
HEATHER B: Some Martini for me.
LIFEGUARD: [running past] Hey, you guys seen a purple haired mod anywhere near?
HEATHER B: Yeah I think we did.
LIFEGUARD: Well, uh, I don’t think there’s too many of ‘em around…
KEITH: I fink ‘e went that way [points to the left]
LIFEGUARD: Groovy dude! [runs off]
PETE: Jew ‘ave any idea ‘oo she’s on abaht?
HEATHER B: [shrugs] Nope.
KEITH: [looking at the brandy bottle] ‘Ev, ‘ave you ‘ad sam o’ this?
HEATHER B: Yeah, you gave me a glass last night, remember?
KEITH: Did I? Would I give you sam o’ my brandy?
HEATHER B: Well, yeah, cos you did!
KEITH: Naw, that’s gotta be love!
HEATHER B: Yeah…

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON sigh]

PETE: Well, what are we gonna do arfta lanch?
KEITH: There’s the fanfair rahnd ‘ere samwhere.
PETE: Aw, naw, Keef, PROMISE me you won’t get intah enny mischief!
KEITH: [pouting] Aw bat PAIT!
PETE: [firmly] KEITH!
KEITH: [shrugs] Aw raight then… [winks at HEATHER BURDON]
ROGER: [picking up a sand sandwich] So, wot kaind of sand didja use?
HEATHER B: [staring at ROGER, hardly daring to believe he’s really that boring] It’s just sand. Y’know. Sand. The stuff we’re sat on. S-A-N-D. Sand. [whispers] Freak!
KATIE: [defensively] You leave my poor Rogie alone! It isn’t HIS fault he’s academically challenged!
KEITH: So, uh, ‘oo’s fawt is it then?
KATIE: Well, uh, if it’s anyone’s then it’s yours!
KEITH: Mine? ‘Ow did yer cam ter that conclusion?
KATIE: You tease him so much it stresses him out and he can’t think straight!
HEATHER B: Don’t be ridiculous!
PETE: Actually Kait may wew ‘ave a point there, ‘Ev.
KEITH: She may wew not ‘ave!
EMILY: For Garden Seed will you all shut up?!
HEATHER B: I’m with you, M!
EMILY: Of course you are, you share my head!
KEITH: [looking out to sea] Isn’t Jun wearin’ black swimmin’ tranks an’ ‘Evvah Tork’s wearin’ a red cossie?
PETE: Yeah.
KEITH: [simply] I fink they’re in trabbuw.
HEATHER B: Oh no! Not my favourite name sharer and bass player!
ALL: [scream loudly] HELP!

[the theme tune to Baywatch is played as the LIFEGUARD runs into the ice cold water to save JOHN and HEATHER TORK]

LIFEGUARD: [dragging HEATHER TORK and JOHN onto the sand] Does anyone know who these two are?
ALL: Heather and John!
LIFEGUARD: John? Like, you mean? Ohmigod, it’s John Entwistle!
PETE: Yeah, can you jast, uh, y’know, saive ‘is laif? That is your job arfta aw!
LIFEGUARD: [overcome with emotion] It’s John Entwistle!
HEATHER B: Yes I think we’ve now established that, can you just get on with it?
KEITH: Yeah, ‘s nearly lanchtaim, an’ the food’ll get sand in it!

[Everyone stares at KEITH]

KEITH: Wot? Wot did I saiy?
LIFEGUARD: AAAAAHHHHH!!!! KEITH MOON!
KEITH: [grins cheekily] ‘Ello, dear gel!

[LIFEGUARD faints]

HEATHER B: Fat lot of good SHE was!
EMILY: C’mere, at least I learned first aid at school! [performs CPR on JOHN]
JOHN: Oh, M, I nevah knew ‘ow you fewt abaht me!
EMILY: Huh? You just nearly drowned, I was giving you the kiss of life!
JOHN: You stick ter that stowry, I knaw the troof! [smiles]
EMILY: Okay, whatever. [performs CPR on HEATHER TORK]
HEATHER T: M!
EMILY: Don’t you start!
HEATHER T: Okay, but I know the truth! [smiles]
EMILY: The both of you are scaring me. Lots.
PETE: Yeah I fink I preferred you when you wasn’t sayin’ naffink!
KEITH: Bat that’s nearly aw the taim ennywaiy…
PETE: Yeah, that’s true.
HEATHER B: Right. Glad you’re okay. Can we start making sandcastles again?
KEITH: Yeah, I’m bowd o’ this naw!
ROGER: You don’t ‘ave concentration spans, do ya?
KATIE: Oh, ROGIE! It’s been so long since you said such a big word, I thought you’d forgotten all you’d read in the dictionary! [swoons]
ROGER: Wew, y’knaw, I do me best. [head swells massively]
KEITH: Betcha dunno wot it means.

[ROGER looks uneasy]

PETE: I fink we should eat.
KATIE: That’s one of your better ideas, Pete!
PETE: Yeah, I knaw.

[Everyone sits down to eat]

JOHN: These sarnies don’ ‘alf look –
KATIE, EMILY, PETE, ROGER: [scream] NO! Don’t eat it!
JOHN: Wot? [takes a bite of a sand sandwich] Eurgh! [spits it out everywhere] ‘Oo the bladdy ‘ew made these? Oh don’t tew me. Keef an’ ‘Evvah Burdon.
KEITH, HEATHER B: Yes! [smile proudly]
JOHN: I fink I need a drink [picks up a bottle of sea water]
KATIE, EMILY, PETE, ROGER: [scream] DON’T DRINK THAT!
JOHN: You’re ‘avin’ a larf, ain’tcha? Why shouldn’t I? [takes a swig and spits it out immediately] Oh that’s disgastin’! Keef, I’m gonna kiw ya! [suddenly transforms into BLACKMAN and makes a dash for KEITH with a bloodthirsty look on his face]
KEITH: [screams] ‘EWP! SAIVE ME!
HEATHER B: I’ll save you, Keefers! [clicks her fingers] LoonySpev to the rescue! [transforms into LoonySpev] You give ‘im back, you evil Blackman dude!
JOHN, uh, BLACKMAN: ‘E’s mine naw! You can nevah ‘ave ‘im back!
LOONYSPEV: I’ll fight you for him! A battle of knowledge about Keith Moon, right here, right now!
ALL: Cool!
KEITH: [gasps] Oh, ‘Ev! Are you shaw?
LOONYSPEV: Positive!
BLACKMAN: You’ll nevah beat me, I’m ‘is best mait!
LOONYSPEV: And I’m his girlfriend, we’ll see who knows him best!
BLACKMAN: No problem, I’ll easily win!
LOONYSPEV: [shrugs with a knowing smile] Right. Pete, you can be Quiz Meister.
PETE: Raight. Rahnd One. Keef’s favourite fings.
LOONYSPEV, BLACKMAN: Brandy!
PETE: Correct!
LOONYSPEV: And listening to the short stories in Woman’s Own!
KEITH: ‘Ev! That was our secret!
LOONYSPEV: Sorry!
BLACKMAN: And trashin’ ‘otew rooms!
PETE: Okay, at the end o’ that rahnd, the scores are two aw.
KATIE, EMILY: Go Spev, go Spev!
ROGER, HEATHER T: Go Blackman, go Blackman!
PETE: Rahnd two. Keef’s favourite places.
LOONYSPEV: The Speakeasy, Tramps, The Dog and Duck, The Marquee, anywhere with a bar and music and LA.
PETE: Okay, at the end of that rahnd, it’s LoonySpev eight an’ Blackman two.
KEITH: Phew!
PETE: Rahnd free. The final rahnd. Keef’s favourite songs.
LOONYSPEV: Don’t Worry Baby, anything else by The Beach Boys except the album Pet Sounds and anything after it, anything by Jan and Dean, the early Beatles stuff and all Who songs without Roger on vocals.
PETE: I fink we ‘ave a winner! LoonySpev wins by firteen points ter two.
LOONYSPEV: [sings] I’m simply the best!
KEITH: ‘Ev, that song ain’t bin written yet…
LOONYSPEV: Oh.

[LOONYSPEV and BLACKMAN change back into HEATHER BURDON and JOHN]

JOHN: It was a fair faight. [shaking hands with HEATHER BURDON]
HEATHER B: Yeah. So, what shall we do now?
HEATHER T: I want to go home, I’m tired after nearly drowning!
EMILY: No, we’ll do something to take your mind off it. Let’s go to that funfair over there!
PETE: Wot, naw?
EMILY: Why not?
KEITH, HEATHER B: YAY! Let’s go, race you! [run off leaving a cloud of dust behind them]

[Everyone stares after them, slightly scared]

EMILY: I think I’ve created a monster.
KATIE: Woah, like Frankenstein?
EMILY: [confused] What?
KATIE: Y’know, Frankenstein, he made a monster too!
EMILY: [hiding behind PETE] Katie, you’re scaring me.
JOHN: So are we goin’ then or wot?
ROGER: Looks laik we ain’t got no choice!
PETE: You’re raight. Okaiy, le’s go.

[And so they all followed KEITH and HEATHER BURDON, happy because a) HEATHER TORK and JOHN were okay and b) EMILY finally managed to convince both of them that she didn’t fancy either of them]

TO BE CONTINUED…

CAST

KEITH MOON: as himself
PETE TOWNSHEND: as himself
JOHN ENTWISTLE: as himself
ROGER DALTREY: as himself
HEATHER BURDON: Heather Wainwright
HEATHER TORK: Heather Spears
EMILY LEITCH: Emily Lizzi
KATIE LEITCH: Katie Lizzi
LIFEGUARD: Alex Bridges