Roger and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time there lived a woman and her son. They were very poor and could hardly afford to keep themselves, their twelve flocks of sheep, nineteen herds of cattle, ten geese and pet dog fed during the winter months. Not only that, their mansion in LA cost so much money to heat up that they really thought they were going to be put into a poorhouse soon. Then one day the woman had an idea.

“Look, Rog, we’re in a bit of a jam,” she told her son. “We’re skint, and the only thing we have of any value is the gold carriage clock your grandma left us in her will, tight bitch. Anyway, do us a favour, love, nip out and flog this for as much money as you can get,” she asked. He nodded.

“Okaiy, mavvah, wotevah you saiy,” he replied, and left the house, whistling a merry tune.

“And if you don’t get enough money then you’re just going to have to sell your body on the streets like a common hooker!” she called after him.

“Cool!” he thought, “I’ve alwaiys laiked rugby!”

As he walked, he started to daydream, and as he was daydreaming, he bumped into a peculiar looking man who carried a bass guitar and never smiled unless somebody mentioned the word ‘tits’.

“’Ello! Wot are you finkin’ abaht?” he asked in a gruff voice.

“Wew, not a lot really,” Roger replied politely and honestly.

“Whaiy are you aut wiv that clock?” he inquired.

“Me mavvah said I’ve gotta sell it fer a good praice, an’ if I don’t, then I’ll ‘ave ta sell me body laik a common ‘ooker. I fink she means I’ll ‘ave ter learn ‘ow ta plaiy rugby,” he explained.

“I see. Wew, I’ll buy the clock orf ya!” the man offered.

“Really? Oh fank you!” Roger exclaimed. “’Ow mach?” he asked.

“I’ll give ya faive beans!” the man offered. Now, as Roger was not too bright, he thought that five beans was a heck of a lot of money, and his eyes widened. That may have been due to the tight blue jeans he was wearing, though.

“You ‘ave yoursewf a deal, my good friend!” Roger exclaimed.

“I knaw I do, you seem laik an intelligent yang man ter me,” the man lied.

“Wew my mavvah ‘as ahwaiys sed I’m the clevahrist membah of our family!” Roger replied.

“Big family?” the man asked.

“Naw, actually, jast as two,” Roger told him. “And the sheep, o’ cowse.”

“I see. Hmm, that explains it all,” the man muttered. “’Ere ya go, ‘ere’s the faive beans, now go ‘ome, an’ I ‘ope your mavvah is ‘appy!” he half grimaced, handing the beans to Roger. Off Roger ran, back to his house, where he held the beans out to his mother.

“Wot on earf are these?” she asked.

“Beans! Faive of ‘em!” he replied, excitedly.

“BEANS? Wot in bladdy ‘ew am I gonna do wiv faive beans?” she asked.

“Pay orf a load of debts an’ stop me learnin’ ‘ow ter plaiy rugby!” he answered. His mother hit him hard across the head.

“You idiot! Beans ain’t a unit of carrancy in this cantry!” she yelled.

“It ain’t a wot?” he asked.

“You cahn’t buy ennyfink wiv beans,” she answered. She hit Roger again and threw both him and the beans out of the window. “Naw go aut an’ if ya down’t cam ‘ome wiv faive quid then you’ll ‘ave no sappah!” she threatened.

So poor Roger trailed the streets, asking people if they knew how he went about becoming a hooker. A few ladies offered their assistance, but he didn’t think that their methods of playing rugby were going to make him world famous. He did enjoy the whipped cream though…

Finally he came home, slightly worse for wear, a huge grin on his face and a five pound note in his back pocket. He clambered into bed and fell fast asleep. When he woke up the next morning, he noticed that there was a huge big tree outside his window.

“Mavvah! When didja plahnt that tree?” he asked.

“On the day I moved in,” she replied. “Bat cam an’ ‘ave a look at THIS!” she called. Roger went over, and to his amazement he saw a huge beanstalk that reached right up into the sky. “Wew down’t jast stand there, claimb it an’ see wot’s at the top!” she demanded, pushing him to the beanstalk.

“Bat, mavvah, I’m afraid of ‘eights!” he protested.

“Shat ap!” she growled. He started to climb the beanstalk and finally reached the top of it. He looked around and saw a huge big massive house. A man with big brown eyes stood guarding the door.

“’Ello, dear boy, I am Keef, guardian of the Giant’s ahuse, ‘ow can I ‘ewp ya?” he asked with a big smile.

“Wew my mavvah told me I ‘ad ter cam ap ‘ere to see wots at the top,” Roger began.

“Giant Land. An’ the Giant lives in this ‘ere ahuse,” Keith explained. “Me an’ the missus live in that little ahuse ovah there,” he continued, pointing over to a small house with a pretty young brunette girl with equally big brown eyes as her husband sitting by the window writing a story.

“She’s a writer, y’knaw. Very clevah, an’ very pretty,” he sighed happily.

“That’s naice. Got any kids?” Roger asked.

“None as yet,” Keith replied, looking at his watch. “Oops! You mast excuse me, I fergot wot the taim was. I’ve gotta go ter bed!” he told him.

“Bat it’s the middle of the day!” Roger protested as Keith ran over to his wife, grabbed hold of her and raced her to their room. “They mast be very tired” he thought aloud. Ten minutes later Keith returned. “Oh. Couldn’t yer get ter sleep?” Roger asked innocently.

“Sleep? Dear lawd, ‘oo needs sleep?” Keith asked. Roger looked at him, totally confused.

“Wot ews is ‘ere?” he asked.

“Wew there’s a goose wot laiys golden eggs, an’ a magic ‘arp wot maiks everyone go asleep at certain taims o’ the daiy. Laik naight taim, f’rixarmpuw,” Keith told him.

“You fink I could ‘ave a golden egg?” Roger asked.

“Wew, I don’t fink so, the Giant maight eat ya, ‘e’s not too keen on visitors. Especially ones ‘oo nick staff orf ‘im. Bat you could alwaiys traiy. It’s in the third room on the left ‘and side of the second floor on the eighth corridor. Bat you’ll ‘ave ter wait till I go ter bed ter sneak in,” he finished.

“Why?” Roger asked.

“Cos I’ve gotta kiw ‘ooevah tries ter get in ‘ere ter nick staff when I’m on duty!” he replied. “It’s me job.”

“When wiw yer be goin’ ter bed?” Roger asked.

“Oh, I go ter bed durin’ the day once every hour. Then when eight o’clock cams I go ‘ome an’ me an’ the wife don’t see the autside of our room antiw seven the next mownin’,” Keith answered.

“You mast be very taired,” Roger sympathised.

“Taired? Taired ain’t the word, mait!” Keith replied. “I’d say I get abaht two ‘ours sleep a naight.” Roger by this time was totally confused about the whole situation. He waited patiently until Keith had an attack of sudden tiredness (which, Roger noticed, always coincided with his wife’s sudden attacks of tiredness) and sneaked inside. He went to the room Keith told him to and saw the goose. There was nobody around, so Roger took hold of the goose and ran back outside. Suddenly he heard a big booming noise. Roger saw the Giant coming towards him. He had the hugest nose Roger had ever seen in his life. Suddenly the Giant took a big sniff which nearly sucked poor Roger up his left nostril! The giant looked around and yelled;

“Oh my dear lawd, I fink ‘e means me!” Roger yelped as he ran past a huge shoe with the squawking goose, who laid an egg and flew away. Roger picked up the egg and dashed down the beanstalk without saying goodbye to Keith. He ran inside and gave the egg to his mother.

“Wot is this? Are you plannin’ on becammin’ one o’ them celebrity chefs laik Jamie Oliver or sammink? You’re obsessed wiv bringin’ me food instead o’ manny you fool!” she shouted, hitting him.

“Bat, mavvah, it’s real gold! We could sell it or sammink!” he told her.

“Go an’ get annavah termorrer an’ I’ll fink abaht it,” she answered. So he did, and for the next few weeks Keith and Roger’s arrangement of egg-nicking-while-guardsman-is-sleeping worked out just dandy. Roger and his mother became really rather rich but his mother wanted something more.

“I fink you should get the goose, then you wouldn’t ‘ave ter keep claimbin’ that beanstawk!” she told him.

“Wew, I’ll try, bat I’ve only got ten minutes ter do it aw in!” he protested. Still he went up the beanstalk and sneaked in when Keith wasn’t looking. He grabbed hold of the goose and clamped a hand over its beak so it couldn’t squawk too loudly. All of a sudden he heard the Giant yell;

Roger ran a lot faster and got to the beanstalk, but the Giant spotted him and followed him down. Because Roger was smaller and faster, he reached the bottom of the beanstalk ages before the Giant. So after he’d finished his tea, he got an axe and started to chop the beanstalk down. Just as the Giant got in sight, Roger finished chopping the beanstalk down and the Giant crashed to the floor with a big THUD and sadly died.

Roger’s mother sued Giant Land for creating a massive hole in her back garden and got a few million pounds for it. So Keith and his wife, Heather, had to move out and live just by Roger and his mother because they couldn’t afford the repayments on their mortgage. Keith one day collapsed due to over exertion (although Roger noticed that he spent even longer in bed so he didn’t understand why that was) and wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same room as Heather ever again.

Other than that, everyone lived happily ever after. Oh, except Roger who had to go to Kleptomaniacs Anonymous for a few years to help him get over his stealing problem. As for the guy who gave him the beans? Well, he was imprisoned years later for giving people magic mushrooms as well as magic beans…