One day, I was just 'angin' 'round me 'ouse, when I got a call on the Crime Monitor.

"Yes?" I asked.

"BUZZZ... BUZZZZ... We're in trouble, Blackman! Someone has stolen all the world's goat cheese! BUZZZ!" the Big Boss buzzed back, in 'is ugly bee costume.

"So? Why don't you get Goatman to 'elp you out? 'E IS GOATman, after all," I said, getting a little annoyed.

"BUZZZ... Goatman's gone out to lunch! And a crisis such as this must be averted IMMEDIATELY! BUZZZZ!!!"

"Fine, fine, I s'pose I'll 'ave to do it..." I trailed off, knowing that wotevah the Big Boss wanted me to do, I 'ad to do. "Well, where can I find this villain?"

"BUZZZZ!!! 'at's for me to know, an' you to find out! BUZZZ!"

The Crime Monitor switched off with a final buzzing goodbye from the Big Boss. More like the Big Bee, I thought to meself and chuckled a bit. I sighed, and got into my Blackman outfit: Black leather shirt, black leather pants, and black leather boots. "Perfect! Don' even 'ave to fix me 'air," I said to myself as I jumped dramatically out the door.

I ran down the filthy streets, and dashed into the local Wal-Mart. "Are you out of goat's cheese?" I asked the manager.

"We don't carry goat's cheese. This isn't a Super Wal-Mart," the manager answered flatly.

I was annoyed by this. "Wot do you MEAN?! *sigh* Goodbye!" I leapt out of the store with an even MORE dramatic air.

Next I dashed into (listen, all we Superheroes do *IS* jump, leap, and dash) a Super Wal-Mart, down the street a bit. "Are you out of goat's cheese?" I asked, a frantic look in my eyes. I 'ad gotten good at pretending that I cared!

"Yes! 'S 'orrible! One second we 'ad TWENTY TONS of goat's cheese, an' now 's DISAPPEARED! I'd say someone out there's got a MIGHTY BIG cheese craving!" the lit'le attendant answered me.

"I'd say so... did you see who did it?" I demanded to know.

"Weeeelllll... maybe if you ask NICELY..."

I grimaced, then smiled innocently and turned on my "sweet" voice. "Oh, please kind Sir, could you tell who you think you saw stealing this cheese?"

"I'm almost positive he was wearing white pants and was very skinny."

"Thank you!" I exclaimed as I burst through the ceiling to fly. Now I knew AUTOMATICALLY who had deliberately done the dastardly deed! (I'n't alliteration wonderful?)

I soared through the air, the leather protecting me from windburn. I didn't even need a cape. (Capes were usually silky, and I liked leather.) So, anyway, I found the lair of the evil White Pants Clan. I could see a bunch of cars outside. I knew that they were meeting! I landed immediately.

I crawled through the door, as they were all already inside. I kept low to the ground. The black camouflaged me well, as all the carpets and floors were black.

I slid down the stairs, and into the gigantic basement.

Being on the floor, I 'ad a wonderful view of everyone's feet. I KNEW IT! I thought to meself as I saw all the ugly Doc Marten's on everybody's feet. I 'ad landed at the right address for the clan.

The leader stood up on a platform. 'E 'ad the ugliest Doc Marten's of everyone in the room. An' 'is pants were the whitest.

"Good morning, clanners!" 'e announced to everyone. "I'm your Leader Pete, an' I welcome you to the White Pants Clan! The Clan with a difference, nevah mind the weather, when you come to White Pants, your pants'll be white FOREVAH!! HAHA!"

Everyone cheered enthusiastically at this. I shuddered. White was *NOT* a good colour. Now black, 'at was a good colour.

"First on our board today, we 'ave the entire world's supply of goat's cheese!" 'e continued to babble. "The reason we 'ave the goat's cheese 's so we can fatten up a bit an' gain STRENGTH to TAKE ON THE WORLD!" Wif tha', 'e laughed maniacally. Every clansmen chuckled along.

I let out an exasperated sigh. Some guy in front of me 'eard me, turned around, and gaped at my loverly black leather. "LEADER! 'E wears BLACK LEATHER PANTS!" the sod shouted.

"Bring him to me!" Leader Pete commanded. The little giddy fool did as 'e was told, and depostied me on the stand where Leader Pete sat.

"*GASP* BLACKMAN! Wot the bloody 'ell are YOU doin' 'ere?!" Leader Pete inquired of me.

"I came 'ere," I started out, "to save the world's supply of goat's cheese! An' I aim to do so!"

Leader Pete smirked. "Wotevah 'appened to Goatman? I thought for sure 'e'd take this one. You know, GOAT'S cheese an' all."

" 'E's on a lunch break. Now, I know why you stole the goat's cheese. So, 'and it ovah!" I answered flatly.

Leader Pete gasped. " 'Ow'd you KNOW?!"

"You JUST told everyone, you stupid prat! So, 'and it ovah!" I replied.

"NEVAH!!" Leader Pete shouted back, and attempted to swing 'is fist at me.

I yawned, an' used my Great Mental Capacity to aim it away from meself... an' into 'is own face.

"Ow!" 'e yelped in pain. "WHITE PANTS CLANSMEN, GERRIM!"

I sighed now, as I used my Great Mental Capacity to make 'em all run into each othah.

Soon all the White Pants Clansmen were down and on their knees, unable to get back up.

"Fine... take your bloodysodding cheese! Just nevah come 'round 'ere agaaaaaaain! At least, not wearing those pants..." Leader Pete gave up.

"YOU should tork... lookit your SHOES!" I answered him, gathering all the cheese into a towtruck that I 'ad made magically appear.

"I LIKE me Doc Marten's!" 'e said defensively.

"Oh, give it UP, Pait... they look 'orrid! An' besides 'at, I've won, so I'm right."

"Damn it! Oh, just take the cheese an' bloody get outta 'ere!"

"Thank you..." I trailed off. "Boys," I said to the cops just arriving, "take 'im away."

"An' I would've gotten away wif it too, if it weren't for tha' meddling BLACK LEATHER!" Leader Pete was shouting as 'e was 'andcuffed and carted off to an insane asylum. Or, at least, a shoes expert to show 'im 'ow ugly those Doc Marten's are.

I returned 'ome safely, where I lovingly dry cleaned me Blackman outfit and put it away for future use. I pulled out a different black leather shirt, black leather pants, and black leather boots as I turned on the Crime Monitor to let the Big Boss know I 'ad completed the task. "'Ey, Big Bee... er, that is, Big Boss, I completed me task!"

"BUZZZZZZ... Good for you, Blackman! I've got Goatman 'ere, 'e wants to say somethin'!" Big Boss answered me.

"Wot is it, Goatman?" I asked.

"Thank you for saving the world's supply of goat's cheese! I was out getting some goat food... ER, THAT IS... I was out to lunch. Me goats were worried!"

"No problem Robert... er, Goatman. 'S my pleasure," I told him, and he left. The screen turned back to the Big Boss.

"BUZZZZ... Yes, 'anks again, Blackman! Oh, an' Hairman 'as somethin' to say. BUZZZZ!!"

"Wot is it, Hairman?" I asked, sighing.

"I just wanted to say tha'... don't you think tha' Goatman is tryin' to 'orn in on me image? I mean, I'M a farmer, I 'ave long curly blonde 'air... hmmm..." Hairman trailed off, sounding right ticked off.

"Well, I for one don' really care, if'n you 'ave a complaint, why don' you tell it to the Big Boss. Olright? This is Blackman, signing off!" I announced, turning off me Crime Monitor.

I curled up on the couch, ready for sleep. "G'night, Boris..." I said to my adoring pet spider, 'oo sat there peacefully. "Another crisis averted, thanks to, BLACKMAN!"