[Open on a forest in the middle of nowhere. THE WHO and THE GIRLS have gone on a camping holiday. They have taken two massive tents and are now trying to put them up. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON have taken it upon themselves to put up one tent, and although they’re having difficulty, they’re not admitting to it.]

PETE: Are ya sure ya don’ want any ‘ewp, Keef?
KEITH: Yeah, cowse I’m sure! I’m perfectly capabuw!
HEATHER B: Yeah!

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON untangle themselves from the tent ropes for the fiftieth time that hour]

JOHN: Wew, I fink yer need ‘ewp, c’mere. [helps KEITH out of the mess he’s got himself into]
KEITH: Fanks, Jun. ‘Ere, ‘Ev, ‘ewp me wiv the tent pegs!
HEATHER B: Okay. Hang on, Keith, have you been drinking?
KEITH: Wot kaind of a stupid question is that?!
HEATHER B: Well I’m sticking the tent pins in, I don’t want them going through my hand!
KEITH: Okaiy then. I’m jast goin’ orf to ‘ave a brandy, I’ll be back soon.

[exit KEITH]

EMILY: I don’t want to sound stupid or anything…
JOHN: [sarcastically] Why chainge the ‘abit of a laiftaim?

[Everyone promptly hits JOHN]

JOHN: OW!
HEATHER B: Don’t be horrid to poor Spem, and we won’t have to hit you! Anyway, M, as you were saying?
EMILY: What are we going to do?
PETE: Go camping.
EMILY: Other than that?
HEATHER B: Well, Keith was going to tell us all ghost stories tonight…
ROGER: [sarcastically] Oh, joy.
KATIE: No, Rogie, it’s not about Joy, it’s about ghosts!
ROGER: [confused] ‘Oo the bleedin’ ‘ew is Joy?
KATIE: [equally confused] I’ve no idea.
PETE: Oh, this looks laik it’s gonna be a fan ‘oliday!
HEATHER T: I couldn’t agree with you more!

[suddenly there is a blood-curdling scream heard off-set]

HEATHER B: [panicking] OHMIGOD! IT’S KEITH! [runs off to find KEITH]
PETE: We’d best foller ‘er.

[Exeunt all, running]

SCENE 2

[Open on another part of the forest. HEATHER BURDON runs in the direction of the scream, followed closely by the others. She finally catches sight of KEITH.]

HEATHER B: KEITH! Are you okay?!
KEITH: No I bladdy wew am not! Look!

[HEATHER BURDON stares at a bottle of brandy, spilt all over the forest floor]

KEITH: It’s ruined! My brandy’s ruined! [starts crying]
HEATHER B: [horrified, flinging her arms around KEITH] Don’t cry Keefie! It’ll be okay, umm, cos... Look, here you go, here’s a drinking straw, maybe you can still save some!
KEITH: Wot’re ya traiyna do? Kiw me?! I’ll get sam ‘orribuw disease an’ kark it! Ya stupid... brunette bimbo!

[HEATHER BURDON starts to cry]

KEITH: Oh, I’m sorry, ‘Ev! ‘Ere, ‘ave a glahss o’ brandy! [handing her a glass]
PETE: Bat, I fort you said...
KEITH: Yeah, wew, I ahwaiys bring an extra supply in case of emergencies!
HEATHER B: [taking a swig of brandy] So, uh, why did you scream?
KEITH: It’s a shame to see a good bottle o’ brandy goin’ ter waste. Anyway, ‘m surry, ‘Ev, c’mere! [snogs HEATHER BURDON]
HEATHER B: Okay, Keefie, I forgive ya!
PETE: An’ they fink I’M easy ter get rahnd?!
EMILY: Well, you are!
PETE: Oh yeah...
JOHN: Wew, naw that aw is dandy again in Keef an’ ‘Evvah Burdon Land, can we get back ter pattin’ the tents ap?
HEATHER T: Johnny, that’s a great idea!
JOHN: Wew, it’s aw this broodin’, maiks yer a fantastic finkah!
KEITH: Dasn’t leave mach taim fer drinkin’ brandy though...
JOHN: Yeah, that’s true, maybe I should ‘ave a mid-laif crisis an’ major career change.
HEATHER T: Mid-life? Johnny, you’re 21 years old, for God’s sake!
JOHN: That’s beside the point. I wanna ‘ave a mid-laif crisis, an’ I’m not leddin’ a silly fing laik age get in the way of it!
KEITH: You tell ‘er, Jun!
JOHN: I jast did. Raight, from naw on, I’m not gonna be a broodin’ Jun, I’m gonna be a partaiyin’ Jun! An’ the first fing I’m gonna do is...
KEITH: ‘Ave a brandy?
JOHN: Uh, the second fing I’m gonna do is...
HEATHER B: Have a party?
JOHN: Wew, okaiy, one of the first fings I’m gonna do is go to the loo.

[Exit JOHN]

HEATHER B: [sighs] He’s got a lot to learn.
KEITH: We’w jast ‘ave ter taik it upon oursewves ter teach ‘im!
HEATHER B: Yes, we will.
HEATHER T: Don’t hurt him!
KEITH: We won’t. We’w jast give ‘im an andahstandin’ intah the finah fings in laif.
HEATHER B: Like brandy.
KEITH: Exackly!

[suddenly JOHN re-enters in 60s disco gear]

KEITH: Wot in bladdy ‘ew?
ROGER: JUN?
PETE: [donning a pair of sunglasses] Too braight! Go back ter wearin’ black!
JOHN: [singing and dancing] For goodness’ sake, do the hippy hippy shake, ah I can’t sit still, with the hippy hippy shake... OOH the hippy hippy shake!
KEITH: [buries his head in his hands] Oh my dear lawd...
HEATHER B: If there’s one person I never expected to see do this, it’s John.
PETE: I’ve alwaiys said it’s the quiat ones you gotta look aut fow!
JOHN: [still singing and dancing] Do ya lurve me, do ya lurve me, now do ya lurve me, do ya lurve me, ah do ya lurve me, do ya lurve me, nooooowwwwwww that IIIIIIIIIII can daaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnce – WATCH ME NOW – OW! Woosh woosh, ah, shake it up, shake it up, ah, shake it shake it down, woosh woosh, a just a little bit o’ soul now...

[everyone collapses onto the floor in hysterics]

KEITH: Oh I wish I ‘ad a camera!
PETE: I ‘ope I’m dreamin’!
HEATHER T: Well, if John can do it, so can I! [goes over to JOHN]
JOHN, HEATHER T: [singing and dancing] You know ya look so good, look so good, you know ya got me goin’ now, got me goin’, just like I knew you would, like I knew you would –
KEITH, HEATHER B: [joining in] OOOOOOHHH! Well shake it up BABY now!
ROGER, KATIE: [joining in] Shake it up baby!
PETE, EMILY: [joining in] Twist and shout!
ALL: Twist and shout, come on come on come on come on BABY now, come on baby, come on an’ work it on out, work it on out!
KEITH, HEATHER B: Brandy, anyone?
EMILY: I dunno...
HEATHER B: We may never see John like this again, just go with it, just once!
EMILY: Okay, but only one!
HEATHER B: Okay. [hands brandy to EMILY]
EMILY: [knocks it back like coke] Urgh!
KEITH: You’re drinkin’ it wrong, you plonkah! It ain’t lemonade! [pours brandy for everyone else and starts singing] Brandy maiks the world go rahnd, of that we can be sure!
PETE: [taking a swig of brandy] We could carry on this partaiy antiw the cahs cam ‘ome!
EMILY, HEATHER BURDON: [sings] I’m gonna love her till the cows come home, then I’ll love her more... lalalaaaaalalalaaaaa!
EMILY: Wow, this brandy’s gone to my head!
HEATHER B: I’m not surprised, I did give you a triple measure.

[everyone stares at HEATHER BURDON]

KEITH: Wew, ya cahn’t taist it anless there’s that mach in it!
HEATHER B: Yeah.
PETE: So wot did we get?
KEITH: We nevah bovvahed measurin’ ennyone ewse’s!
EMILY: Could I, uh, have a little more?
HEATHER B: [eyes gleaming] Of COURSE you can, dear girl!
KEITH: I’m prahd of ya, M!
KATIE: What would mom and dad say?
HEATHER B: Nothing, cos in England we have mums, not moms!
KATIE: Still...
KEITH: ‘Oo’s gonna tell ‘em?
EMILY: True. Pour away! [holds glass out]
HEATHER B: You’re sure?
EMILY: Positive.

[HEATHER BURDON faints with the shock]
EMILY: What, what did I say?
KEITH: I fink we’d best pat the brandy awaiy naw, it’s bad fer M!
EMILY: Spoilsport!
PETE: Oh lawd...
JOHN: LOOK, wiw you aw taik note of my disco dahncin’? [dances like a loon. KEITH joins in] No, Keef, this is MY dahncin’! [pushes KEITH away and starts dancing The Freddie] I’m telling you now, I’m telling you right away, I’ll be here for many a day, I’m in love with you now!
HEATHER T: I didn’t know I was dating such a… a…
KATIE: Mover and shaker?
EMILY: Party animal?
HEATHER T: Psycho!
PETE: Wait! ‘Evvah Burdon’s not cam rahnd yet!
KEITH: [slapping HEATHER BURDON round the face] ‘Ev, ‘Ev, wake ap! You gotta see Jun dahncin’ The Freddie, ‘s bladdy ‘ilarious!
HEATHER B: [sits up and looks over at JOHN, still dancing in his own little world] Oh my god!
JOHN: [still dancing] You were made for me, everybody tells me so! You were made for me, don’t pretend that you don’t know!
HEATHER T: Johnny, careful you don’t kick something over!
JOHN: [still dancing] All the trees were made for little things that sing and fly, and the sun was made to burn so bright and light the sky-ee-yy-ee-yy! [kicks KEITH’s brandy glass out of his hand]
KEITH: [hysterically] MY BRANDY! [angrily] Jun, that’s the lahst taim you do any dahncin’, I’m gonna break bowf your legs! [lunges at JOHN, but finds he doesn’t actually reach him because HEATHER BURDON has grabbed hold of him and won’t let him go] ‘Ev, let go, I’m gonna kiw Jun!
HEATHER B: If there’s any killing to be done, then I’ll be the one to do it! Sit down and get another glass! John, I think you’d best go and get changed. John. John? JOHN?!
[everyone looks round, but JOHN is nowhere to be seen]
HEATHERS B & T, EMILY, KATIE: He’s GONE!
PETE: [rolling his eyes] Not anavvah bladdy Mankais fing!
ROGER: I knaw wot ter do!
KEITH: No ya down’t, you’re Rogah!
ROGER: Oh yeah! Carry on.
HEATHER B: Maybe it’s like in Help! Y’know when Paul had that injection by mistake and he shrunk to a very small size and had no clothes on?

[HEATHERS B & T, KATIE and EMILY stand in silence for a few moments, lost in thought of Paul McCartney with no clothes on]

EMILY: [blatantly lying] Hmm, yeah, I think I remember it…
KATIE: The scientists were after Ringo and broke into their house just as the woman was about to give Ringo the injection in his finger but it slipped and went into Paul’s thigh by accident. He spent two and a half minutes with only a handkerchief to cover himself up with. I can’t really remember it either. [blushes]
HEATHER B: Scene eighteen, lasted for three minutes forty nine seconds. I can’t remember it at all.
KEITH: Yeah, yeah, we get the picture.
HEATHER B: We don’t, we can’t remember it.
KEITH: ‘Ev, wot’re we gonna do ter get Jun back?
HEATHER B: Why do you care, you only want to break his legs!
KEITH: [yells] Jun, if you can ‘ear me, I promise not ter break eivah of your legs if only you’ll cam back!
JOHN: [calling from afar] Promise?
KEITH: Wiv aw my ‘eart an’ sow! I swear on this ‘ere bottle of brandy!
JOHN: [jumps out from behind a tree] Okaiy then.
PETE: Aw, it’s gettin’ dark, an’ we ain’t pat ap eivah of the tents yet!
ROGER: I guess we’d bettah go back and ‘arry ap wiv it then.
KATIE: Rogie, that’s a great idea!
ROGER: I knaw.

[And so they all went off to put the tents up, happy because a) JOHN had shown that he could be a party animal when he put his mind to it, b) KEITH hadn’t actually hurt him at all and c) THE GIRLS got chance to think about a naked PAUL McCARTNEY]