[Open on THE WHO’s living room. ROGER and KATIE are sat watching television. PETE is trying to teach EMILY how to play the guitar]

PETE: No, M, ya cahn’t smash it!

EMILY: Why not?

PETE: Because if you smash it you can’t learn to play it!

EMILY: Ohhhhh…

[JOHN has taught HEATHER TORK how to brood, and she is now trying to teach him how to play the flute. He’s not very good at all. HEATHER BURDON and KEITH are running around the room playing ‘kiss-chase’ and HEATHER is purposely letting herself be caught]

KEITH: ‘Ev, you’re taikin’ aw the fan aut o’ this gaime, ya knaw!

HEATHER B: I wouldn’t say that…

[Suddenly…]

EMILY: [screams] I NEED CHOCOLATE!!

[Everyone jumps out of their skin, and then all the girls and KEITH nod in agreement]

KATIE: Yes! Chocolate is what we need. Chocolate makes the world go round!

ROGER: Wow, Kait, you’re so decisive, it’s really groovy.

KATIE: Oh, ROGIE! Another big word!

ROGER: Yeah, I fort it imperative fer me ta learn big words ta stop Keef pickin’ on me.

KATIE: Well, don’t you worry, I’ll look after you! [kisses ROGER]

ROGER: [grinning like a Cheshire Cat] Wew, if you insist…

HEATHER B: OI! Moonie wouldn’t pick on anyone! Would you?

KEITH: Oh no… er, actually, yeah…

HEATHER B: [laughs] Oh, Keefie, you’re so funny! [sighs] Oh, yeah! M, I need chocolate too! Before I die of chocolate deprivation!

PETE: Is there sach a fing as that?

HEATHER B: Oh, yes! Even if it’s not a medical condition, it’s a real illness!

HEATHER T: [putting down her flute, and adopting a John ‘I’m-not-impressed-at-all’ look on her face] Well, if you all want chocolate so much, then why don’t -

JOHN: [breaking out into song] Why don’t we do it in the road? Lalala, fergot the rest of the words… [looks at everyone staring at him] I’m shattin’ ap naw.

HEATHER T: [blushes] Umm, whatever… Anyway, as I was saying, why don’t we all go down to the store and BUY some, instead of sitting round talking about it?

HEATHER B: Two reasons.

JOHN: It’s Wednesday, and it’s ‘alf daiy closin’ on a Wednesday.

KEITH: It’s so mach fan discassin’ ‘oo wants chocolate an’ ‘oo should go fer it!

HEATHER B: Exactly.

HEATHER T: Oh, I see. Well, we’ll have to go on a chocolate hunt then!

[EMILY and KATIE start jumping up and down in a state of frenzy which is rather scary]

EMILY: YAY! A CHOCOLATE HUNT!

KATIE: We’ll just HAVE to go on a chocolate hunt, that’s all there is to it!

PETE: Is this the height of fan an’ excitement fer Americans?

HEATHER T: Well, I do come from Mississippi…

PETE: I see.

HEATHER T: But it’s the posh part! AND I DON’T HAVE AN ACCENT!

ALL: Okay Heather, calm down…

HEATHER T: [screams angrily] I’M CALM!

ALL: [truly freaked out] Woah…

EMILY: Heath! Umm, English one!

HEATHER B: Yeah?

EMILY: Well, you said you had chocolate factories here.

HEATHER B: Yeah, so? [realising what EMILY’s plan is] OH WOW! M, that’s a great idea! There’s one about two miles down the road! Let’s go!

[They rush to the door but are stopped by PETE]

PETE: ‘Ang on! We ain’t weighed ap aw the pros an’ cons o’ this yet!

KEITH: Pait. We want chocolate. There’s a whoppin’ great CHOCOLATE FACTORY dahn the road. We want an adventure. WE’RE GOIN’!

[Everyone charges to the door, knocking PETE over]

PETE: I see your point. Wew, okaiy, le’s go.

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 2

[Open on the outside of a huge chocolate factory. It’s open, there are workers in the window rushing about, and there is the most beautiful chocolatey smell in the world coming from the building]

OLD MAN: [stopping opposite the road on his bike] Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever goes out! [Pedals off]

PETE: Woah, wot a freaky guy!

EMILY: Wonder what he means?

HEATHER T: I’m scared, John!

JOHN: Not ta warry, dahlin’ I’ll protect ya!

HEATHER B: Wow, Keith, isn’t this FUN?

KEITH: Yeah… C’mon, le’s go in!

PETE: [holding an arm out to block HEATHER BURDON and KEITH] ‘Ang on! The avvah ‘Evvah’s scared, jew fink we should go in?

HEATHER B: Oh, I think after what John said, she’ll be absolutely fine!

HEATHER T: She’s right you know!

EMILY: Where’s Katie and Roger? [looking around]

KEITH: Oh, my dear lawd, I don’t wannah know…

ALL: [look at each other] Eeeewwww!

[suddenly KATIE and ROGER appear from nowhere, loaded with bars of chocolate]

ROGER: ‘Ave ya not been in yet?

KEITH: No, cowse we ain’t, we’ve bin waitin’ fer you two! Where’d ya go, ennywaiy?

KATIE: Oh, we’ve already been in!

OLD MAN: [pedals past again] Okay, so I made a mistake! So sue me!

KATIE: [Watches the OLD MAN ride away] Woah, he really IS creepy!

ROGER: Yeah… [shakes his head] It mast be awfuw when you start ta deteriorate as you get oldah!

KEITH: OI! Daltrey! Stop tryin’ to be clevah!

KATIE: He’s not trying!

PETE: Er, I’m afraid ‘e is…

KATIE: Oh…

HEATHER B: Well, come on! Let’s go in!

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 3

[Open on the inside of the chocolate factory. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON are rushing around like little kids trying every bit of chocolate available]

KEITH: Eh, ‘Ev, look! “Special ‘Yperactive Chocolate”! Wander if it’s any good?

HEATHER B: Only one way to find out!

[they each take a bite of the chocolate]

KEITH: Bladdy ’ew! ‘S bettah than ennyfink I’ve evah taiken!

PETE: But wot abaht that taim you drank Meffs?

KEITH: Yeah, that was good too!

[KEITH and HEATHER suddenly go totally hyperactive, which scares the hell out of the rest of them]

HEATHER T: Oh no… Where’s my flute?

JOHN: Dunno, jast brood.

HEATHER T: Okay. [adopts brooding stance and pose]

[Suddenly a guy wearing very groovy clothes enters, looking annoyed…]

GUY WITH GROOVY CLOTHES: [shouts angrily] OI! What are you all doing in here? And who are those two insane people? [points to HEATHER BURDON and KEITH]

PETE: [clears throat] Erm, we’re very sorry, Mr -

G.W.G.C.: Winka. Mr. Wally Winka. This is my chocolate factory you’ve happened upon, and I want an explanation NOW! And what the hell is up with her? [pointing to HEATHER TORK]

JOHN: She’s brooding.

MR. WINKA: Oh. Actually, she’s making a good job of it, who taught her?

JOHN: [proudly] It was me!

MR. WINKA: You need to get out more.

[JOHN looks upset and turns to HEATHER TORK for comfort. Unfortunately she hasn’t learned how to come out of a brooding session yet so she ignores him]

JOHN: ‘EVVAH! SNAP AUT OF IT! [clicks fingers in front of her face. No response] Bladdy ‘ew… AHA! I knaw jast the fing! [kisses her, she quickly snaps out of her brooding session]

HEATHER T: Woah… I’ll have to do that more in future!

JOHN: I bladdy ‘ope not! Naw, I’m apset, gizza cadduw!

HEATHER T: Okay! [obliges willingly]

EMILY: Hey! Mr. Winka! I recognise that name from somewhere…

MR. WINKA: No, you don’t… [looks around nervously]

EMILY: [insistently] Yes, I do!

KATIE: Yeah, so do I… I remember hearing it somewhere.

MR. WINKA: [defensive] Look, you’ve never heard of me before, okay?

PETE: OI! If M finks she’s ‘eard of ya befow, then she’s ‘eard of ya befow! DON’T BE ‘ORRID!

MR. WINKA: If that’s a threat I’ll call the Police!

KEITH: Won’t do no good, we’re above prisons! [carries on jumping on top of the lemonade machines with HEATHER BURDON, who’s doing a Julie Andrews impression]

HEATHER B: [singing out of tune] THEEEEEEEEEEEE HILLLLLLLLS ARE ALLIIIIIIIIVVEEEE WITH THE SOOOOOUUUUND OF MUUUUUUUUUUUSSSIIIIIIIICCC!!!

KEITH: [sincerely] ‘Evvah, you sound gowjas!

HEATHER B: Thanks!

ROGER: Y’knaw, if I didn’t knaw any bettah, I’d say it was sammink in that chocolate maikin’ them two ‘yperactive!

KATIE: But, Rogie, it said it was called “Special Hyperactive Chocolate”… [suddenly shrieks] OHMIGOD!

ALL (except KEITH and HEATHER BURDON): [jump out of their skin] WHAT?

KATIE: OHMIGOD! I know who this guy is! [pointing to MR. WINKA]

MR. WINKA: No you don’t! I’m not who you think I am, really! [starts backing out of the nearest exit, where PETE grabs a tight hold of him]

PETE: An’ where jew fink YOU’RE goin’?

MR. WINKA: Er, nowhere…

KATIE: Emmy! He was that guy on that show!

EMILY: What guy? OH YEAH! That ‘chocolate drug-smuggler’ guy… OHMIGOD!

JOHN: OH MY DEAR LAWD!

ROGER: Wot?

KATIE: Rogie, you’re brilliant! [kisses ROGER again]

ROGER: Oh. Fanks! [grins] OH I GET IT!

[KEITH’s ears prick up]

KEITH: Wot? Am I on drags? Did Rogah jast say ‘e got sammink? [faints]

HEATHER B: Oh my poor darling Keefie! I’ll have to give him the kiss of life!

EMILY: But I thought you said you don’t know how to do C.P.R.!

HEATHER B: Stuff C.P.R.! [snogs KEITH] There. All better?

KEITH: [sitting up] You can save my laif ennytaim, dear gel!

PETE: [coughs loudly enough to get everyone’s attention] Okaiy. Am I raight in assuming that this Mr. Winka is actually a drag smagglah?

HEATHER T: Yeah. And he must’ve put something into the chocolate Heather and Keith ate to make them high!

KATIE: What was it, Mr. Winka? Or should I say… [Dink dink DIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNKKKKK!!!!!!] BERNIE!

HEATHER T: OHMIGOD! Like BERNIE’S HOLIDAY CAMP?

KATIE: That’s the guy!

EMILY: No wonder Tommy turned out the way he did…

HEATHER B: No wonder Ann-Margret turned out to be such a weirdo!

KEITH: Yeah! ‘Oo the bleedin’ ‘ell is Ann-Margret?

HEATHER B: Tommy’s mum.

KEITH: [smacks his hand against his forehead] Oh, yeah! Sorry!

KATIE: You still haven’t told us! What was it?

KEITH: If it wasn’t ennyfink designer, I wiw be very annoyed!

BERNIE: It was made with…

[BERNIE has no time to finish, because a POLICE CAR has arrived to take him away]

POLICEMAN: Thank you, we’ve been after this guy for ages!

PETE: Aw in a daiy’s work, officah! [salutes him]

POLICEMAN: You must be jokin’! [drives off in car with BERNIE in the back]

EMILY: I wonder what was in the chocolate?

PETE: Dunno. Bat, ennywaiy, at least we knaw we’ve saved the world from an evil drag-baron man an’ we can go ‘ome ‘eroes!

[EVERYONE cheers loudly]

KEITH: [Shrieks] OH MY LAWD! Me tongue! ‘Ev, ‘Ev, look at me tongue!

HEATHER B: [looks at KEITH’s tongue] OH NO! It’s yellow! What does THAT mean? [turning to everyone else]

EMILY: Heather! You’re tongue’s yellow too!

JOHN: OH NO! I knaw wot it is!

HEATHER T: What is it, sweetie?

JOHN: He smagguwed in food callerin’ inter this cantry which is illegal! We aren’t allowed various shades o’ yellow, an’ [stares closely at KEITH’s tongue] Baby Chicken Yellow is one of ‘em!

KEITH: So, I took illegal drags, and I nevah got arrested fer it?

JOHN: I s’pose so…

KEITH: Cool… ‘Ey, ‘Ev, le’s taik sam ‘ome wiv as!

HEATHER B: You’re full of good ideas, Moonie!

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON fill their pockets with the chocolate. Everyone else except ROGER - who didn’t get it - sighs in despair.]

PETE: I dunno wot ta do wiv you two!

EMILY: What about me?

PETE: [grins cheekily] I knaw EXACTLY wot ta do wiv you!

EMILY: [eyes widening] REALLY? What?

PETE: I’ll, er, tell ya latah…

KATIE: [indignantly] OI! That’s my little sister you’re chatting up!

HEATHER B: [sarcastically] Realisation dawns…

KATIE: [angrily] I heard that!

HEATHER B: Er, sorry… [thinks of a good excuse] I’m high, sorry, not my fault!

[And so they all went home, happy because a) they’d saved the world from evil food colouring smugglers and b) KEITH found that he could actually possess some illegal drugs and still get away with it!]

THE END!