[OPEN ON an extremely high-tech kitchen. The song "C'Mon, Get Happy" starts playing. Suddenly, as the music dims, a spotlight hits the center of the kitchen, and in dash our two WONDERFUL co-hosts, KEITH MOON and RINGO STARR!]
KEITH: 'Ello, dear boys an' gels! Welcome to Cookin' Wif Keef An' Ring!
RING: On t'day's show, we're goin' to incorporate a very important ingredient: BRANDY!
KEITH: Wot, we don' do that ev'ry week?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
KEITH: So, Ringo, wot's first on our list 'ere?
RING: Well, Keith, it looks like it's... brandy-flavoured whipped cream!
KEITH: This is the time where we bring out our guest chef fer th' show... ROGAH DALTREY!
[ROGER walks onstage. Half of the females in the audience scream, and the other half faint. Well, except for one brown-eyed brunette who makes a faint, "Blech!"]
ROGER: 'Ey, fanks for 'avin' me on th' show!
KEITH: No problem, dear boy!
RING: Now, will you show us 'ow t'make it?
ROGER: Oh, gladly! Now, if yah're a perfectionist, laike me, you'll buy yahr own 'eavy cream. Then, yah take yahr mixer an set it on "low." When it starts to get frothy, add in just a quarter-cup of brandy--
KEITH: Stuff tha'! The 'ole bot'le's goin' in!
[KEITH dumps it into the mixer and then switches it onto "HIGH"]
ROGER: Take covah!!
RING: Why?
[ROGER ducks under a table. BRANDY-FLAVOURED WHIPPED CREAM shoots out everywhere, hitting KEITH, RING, and the entire AUDIENCE.]
KEITH: [licking his lips] Mmmmmmm! Now that's goo' whipped cream!
RING: I'd say so! Fanks for bein' on the show, Rog.
[ROGER rises up from under the table and notices all the females in the audience with whipped cream on them]
ROGER: OOOOH! [attacks the said brown-eyed brunette in the audience]
BROWN-EYED BRUNETTE: SECURITY!
[PETE TOWNSHEND and JOHN ENTWISTLE rush up to ROGER]
PETE: Leave orf, mait!
JOHN: Whaddaya... "leave orf, mait..." yah gotta do it like THIS! [grabs ROGER] GERROFF RAIGHT NOW YAH LIT'LE GIT!
ROGER: Oi, oi, I wa'n't goin' to 'URT er!
PETE: Tha's wot they all say...
[JOHN and PETE bodily pick up ROGER and "escourt" him to the door]
B.-E. B.: Thank you, kind sirs! You are my saviours!
KEITH: [from the stage] Wot's yah naim, dear gahl? Can yah come up on stage?
B.-E. B.: Surely! [begins to walk up to KEITH] My name is Spev. Spev Nesmith.
RING: [looking alarmed] You're... you're not th' wife o' Michael Nesmith, are yah?
SPEV: Golly no! But I wish I was at times...
KEITH: Would yah laike t'elp us cook t'day?
SPEV: Gladly! May I bring The Other Half Of My Head up with me? She's called Spem, and she's right in the audience.
RING: Course yah can! C'mon up, Spem!
[A high-spirited redhead bounces out of her seat and onstage]
SPEM: Hiya! I'm Spem, a.k.a. The Other Half Of Spev's Head. It's an honour to meet you, Keith and Ring! I'm a major fan of the show.
KEITH: That's great, dear gahl! This is th' first taime we've evah 'ad two 'ahves o' th' same 'ead in two diff'rent bodies on th' show!
SPEV: Yes, we're the only two like it in the world.
RING: Intr'sting! Now, 'ere's wot we're goin' t'make next. 'S gunnah 'ave t'be double-layer BRANDY cake!
SPEM: Don't you mean rum cake?
KEITH: No, dear gahl, 's the BEAUTY o' it! Brandy is our key ingredient in t'day's show, it wouldn't be raight t'make rum cake! An' besides 'at... we've fixed this one so's the alcohol won't burn off! [does Ernie laugh]
SPEV: [near faint] Wow... THE laugh! Er, um, ahem, sorry. (You didn't hear that, wot I just... didn't say.) Er... what are the ingredients?
RING: This one's a beauty! All yah do is go t'the store... buy two angel-food cakes...put 'em in a 9"×12" pan... douse it wit' brandy... an' eat! No cookin' invloved!
SPEM: Nice!
KEITH: Very... no alcohol depletion! [does Ernie laugh again]
[SPEV FAINTS]
SPEM: Oh dear, The Other Half Of My Head has fainted! What do I DO?!
KEITH: Faint too?
SPEM: Guess I'll have to!
[SPEM FAINTS]
RING: Fantastic, Keith. Now they've both fainted, what do we do?
KEITH: Only one fring we can do, Ring...
RING: Wot's that?
KEITH: Give them medicine!
RING: [smacks his forehead] RAIGHT! Our SPECIAL medicine!
KEITH: T'make our special medicine, you need one important fring: Brandy.
RING: Simply uncork the bot'le, and pour into th' patients' mouths! [he does so]
SPEM: [waking up] BLECH! I HATE the taste of alcohol!
SPEV: [waking up] Mmmm! Give me more!
KEITH: I fort you were two 'ahves of a 'ead!
SPEM: We are.
SPEV: I like alcohol, she doesn't.
SPEM: I like Micky Dolenz, she doesn't.
SPEV & SPEM: It evens out.
KEITH & RING: Aaahhh...
[SPEV and SPEM GIGGLE]
KEITH: Well, dear boys an' gahls, this ends our show.
RING: See you next time on...
KEITH & RING: Cooking With Keith & Ring!