The Who’s Costume Party

[Open on THE WHO’s kitchen. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON have been let loose in there to make dinner for everyone]

KEITH: ‘Ev, jew fink we need to use so menny pans?

HEATHER B: I guess not, but they make a great clanging noise!

KEITH: ‘Ey, you’re right! [whips his drumsticks out of his pocket and starts playing a short riff on the frying pan and medium sized saucepan.]

HEATHER B: [in awe] Woah, Keith, what big drumsticks you have!

KEITH: All the better to smash dram kits ap wiv, my dear!

HEATHER B: Cool! [KEITH and HEATHER BURDON laugh loudly]

[Enter JOHN]

JOHN: OI! Can you keep the noise dahn? Sam of as is tryina brood quietly ‘ere!

HEATHER B, KEITH: Sorry, Jun.

JOHN: Good. [exit JOHN]

HEATHER B: Keith, I’ve had an idea!

KEITH: Cor blimey, ‘Ev, did it ‘urt?!

HEATHER B: No, cos you’ll like this idea!

KEITH: Go on then, I’m intrigued naw!

HEATHER B: Why don’t we have a party?

KEITH: ‘Ev, that’s a blindin’ idea!

HEATHER B: I knew you’d like it!

KEITH: Wot sort of a partaiy?

HEATHER B: A fancy dress one!

KEITH: [proudly] ‘Ev, you don’ often ‘ave ideas, bat when you ‘ave ‘em, they’re great!

HEATHER B: Thanks! What do you think the other’s will think?

KEITH: ‘Ow could they not love it?!

HEATHER B: Pete’ll just want to weigh up the pros and cons of having a party!

KEITH: Oh, ‘e’ll cam rahnd! We ‘ave our ways!

HEATHER B: There are advantages to having big brown eyes, aren’t there?

KEITH: ‘Ow ews jew fink I get me own way aw the taim? [giggles]

HEATHER B: [laughs and adopts a cockney accent] You got a point there, dear boy!

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 2

[Open on THE WHO’s living room. JOHN has finally learned a few notes on the flute and is now annoying everyone by playing them over and over again.]

PETE: Jun! We ain’t impressed no more, shat it!

JOHN: [to EMILY] M, if you say sammink ews abaht Pait bein’ authoritative, then I shall scream at the top o’ me falsetto voice!

EMILY: I wasn’t going to! [pulls tongue at JOHN]

JOHN: [sighs] I give ap! [sits down and broods]

[Enter KEITH and HEATHER BURDON, rushing from the kitchen]

PETE: Oh no, looks laik trabbuw!

ROGER: ‘Ave ya burnt sammink?

KEITH: [indignantly] No we ‘ave not! We ‘appen ta be fantastic chefs, me an’ my ‘Ev!

HEATHER B: Yeah! Anyway, we wanted to ask you something.

PETE: [rolling his eyes] Go on then.

KEITH, HEATHER B: Can we ‘ave a partaiy?

[PETE opens his mouth to say ‘no’]

EMILY: A party? That’s a great idea!

PETE: Yeah, sahnds laik it could be fan, I s’pose…

HEATHER B: [shocked] Pardon?

KEITH: [equally shocked] We nevah ‘ad ta bribe ya?

PETE: [defensively] I’m not opposed to ‘avin’ fan!

HEATHER T: When are you planning on having the party?

KEITH: No taim laik the present!

HEATHER T: But, Keith! We can’t have a party tonight, we’ve not got anything ready!

KEITH: Wew, you’d bettah get a move on then, ‘adn’t ya?

HEATHER B: Oh, Keefie, you look so cute when you’re being authoritative!

EMILY: [getting upset] What is this? Get at Emily Week?!

HEATHER B: Why, who else said something?

EMILY: [sniffing] John!

JOHN: Leave me alone, I’m tryin’ ta brood! ‘Ave yer partaiy, jast don’ tew me abaht it!

HEATHER T: Johnny, if you don’t turn up, I will be very upset!

JOHN: Oh, okaiy then, bat don’ expect me ta enjoy mesewf!

HEATHER B: I’ll sort out the invites, we’re having it this time next week.

KEITH: Bat, ‘Ev! Wot abaht ternaight?

HEATHER B: No, Keith, we’re planning it all tonight! Besides, we can’t have a party with just the eight of us, we need more people. I’ll get out your little black book. [rushes to KEITH’s room and re-enters with a little black book and starts flicking through the pages] Elvis? I never knew you knew Elvis Presley!

KEITH: I don’. That’s Elvis Baldwin, lives rahnd the cownah.

HEATHER B: Oh. [carries on flicking through] The Beatles?

KEITH: Yeah. Invite them.

HEATHER B: Course I will, can’t not invite fellow Scousers to a party of great importance! And you know Donovan?!

EMILY: [swoons] Donovan!

KEITH: [growls] I ‘ate ‘ippies, ‘oo pat ‘is nambah in there?

PETE: Er, I did. I was lookin’ fer samwhere ta wrait ‘is nambah dahn an’ your book was there.

ROGER: ‘Ang on, can’ we invait sam gels?

KATIE: [getting jealous already] Why do you want other girls at the party?

ROGER: To even the nambahs ap, there’s too menny boys!

HEATHER B, EMILY: Impossible, no such thing…

PETE: Wew, I knaw Lulu, an’ The Shangri-La’s.

KEITH: Yeah, okaiy. Wot abaht Cilla Black?

HEATHER B: Oh, come ‘ead, not ‘er!

KEITH: Why not? She’s Scarse too!

HEATHER B: She supports Liverpool.

ROGER: Das aw this ‘ave ta cam back ta football?

HEATHER B: Yes.

KEITH: Okaiy, ‘Ev, you invait the boys, an’ I’ll work me chahm on the gels. Wot a partaiy we’ll ‘ave!

HEATHER B: Okay!

SCENE 3

[Open on THE WHO’s hall, HEATHER BURDON is on the telephone to the ninth guy’s number in the book]

HEATHER B: Hello? Is that Nez? Hiya, Mike, it’s Heather. Heather who? Well, er, it’s Keith Moon’s girlfriend. We’re having a fancy dress party on Saturday night, do you wanna come? [looks slightly annoyed] Yeah, course you can bring Phyllis! Okay, right, see you soon. Okay, babe, bye! [replaces receiver] Mike Nesmith’s coming to my party. I’m going to meet Mike Nesmith! WOW! [looks up another number and dials it] Hi, can I speak to Eric please? Oh, I am? Hiya, Eggsy, it’s Keith Moon’s girlfriend here. Er, Heather. Yeah. Anyway, we’re having a fancy dress party on Saturday, want to come? Yeah? Great! Oh yeah, bring whoever you like, the more the merrier! Okay then, see you Saturday, bye! [replaces receiver] Mike Nesmith, Keith Moon, Eric Burdon and Paul McCartney in the same room at the same time? How’s a girl to cope?!

SCENE 4

[Open on the inside of a payphone. KEITH is ringing up all the girls he can think of]

KEITH: ‘Iya, is that Lulu? ‘Iya, it’s Keef. Me an’ me gelfriend are ‘avin’ a fancy dress partaiy on Saturday, wanna cam? Yeah? Good, see ya there, bye! [replaces receiver] Phwoargh, she’s gowjas! [giggles] Raight, ‘oo ews? Aha! [dials a number] ‘Ello? Diana? It’s Keef. Wiw you an’ your Supremes be availabuw ta cam to a fancy dress partaiy ‘eld by meswef an’ me gowjas gelfriend on Saturday? Oh, cowse, bring ‘ooevah ya laik, ya knaw, the more the merrier! Great! See ya there! [replaces receiver] Oh, wot a naight!

SCENE 5

[Open on THE WHO’s living room on the night of the party. EMILY and HEATHER TORK are putting the food and drink out on the table, while KATIE is helping ROGER get ready]

ROGER: You fink anyone’ll guess ‘oo I’ve cam as?

KATIE: Well, I think going as Tommy was a bit obvious, but I guess if I’m being Ann-Margret it’s okay!

ROGER: I was bein’ wot?

KATIE: Never mind. [thinks] I think Keith’s right…

HEATHER T: [to KEITH and HEATHER BURDON] Now, this fruit punch is purely non-alcoholic, and it’s going to stay that way, all right?

KEITH: Wot are you incinuatin’?

HEATHER B: Yeah! Would we spike the fruit punch?

HEATHER T: I’m not sure, I hope not.

KEITH: We’w be little angels, ya won’t even notice we’re ‘ere!

EMILY: I don’t believe that for a second!

[Exit HEATHER TORK and EMILY to get changed. HEATHER BURDON and KEITH watch them leave and then turn to each other and start giggling]

KEITH: Would we spaik the fruit panch?

HEATHER B: [bringing a huge bottle of vodka from behind her back] Damn bleedin’ right!

KEITH: ‘Evvah, is this bein’ really bad?

HEATHER B: Yes. Fun, isn’t it?

KEITH: Oh yeah! [takes the bottle off HEATHER BURDON and pours the lot into the punch] Jast to add a bit of excitement to the evenin’!

HEATHER B: Of course!

[Enter JOHN and PETE, dressed totally in black and white.]

HEATHER B: Aren’t you getting changed?

JOHN: We’re ready!

PETE: Yeah, cahn’t ya guess ‘oo we are?

KEITH: Er, Pait an’ Jun?

JOHN: [shaking his head] We’ve cam as a blackboard an a piece of chalk!

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH collapse onto the floor in hysterical laughter]

KEITH: You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me!

PETE: We’re bein’ deadly serious!

HEATHER B: Keith, you should know by now that Pete and John don’t do joking…

KEITH: Yeah, bat still…

HEATHER B: CHALK!!! [collapses into fits of laughter again]

PETE: Wew, wot’ve you cam as?

HEATHER B: I’ve come as Keith, and Keith’s come as me!

JOHN: Bat you’re psycho enaf as it is wivaht ‘avin’ ta be each avvah!

KEITH: WE’RE psycho? YOU’RE the ones dressed as a blackboard an’ a piece of chalk!

[There is a knock at the door]

HEATHER T: I’m not ready!

EMILY: Me neither!

HEATHER B: I’ll get it! [opens the door] PAULIE!

PAUL McCARTNEY: [coming in and kissing HEATHER BURDON on the cheek] ‘Iya, geel, nice of yer ter invite us!

HEATHER B: [dreamily] Paul McCartney’s just kissed me…

JOHN LENNON: So, ‘oo else is invited?

KEITH: [glaring at PAUL] Everyone an’ anyone.

GEORGE HARRISON: [walking over to the bowl of punch] Oh, dis looks nice, can I ‘ave some?

KEITH: [stifling a laugh] Cowse ya can!

PETE: [proudly] ‘S non-alcoholic!

HEATHER B: [biting her lip to stop herself from laughing] Yeah, totally!

RINGO STARR: So, wha’ music ‘ave yer go’?

KEITH: We’ve got The Beach Boys!

HEATHER B, KEITH: [sings] Round, round, get around, I get around. I get around round get around, I get around, I get arouuuunnnndd…

PETE: Okay, that’s enaf!

KEITH: Shat it, Chalkie!

[PETE scowls at KEITH]

HEATHER B: We’ve got Elvis too! And all sorts of stuff!

PAUL: Got any Beatles stuff?

HEATHER B: Yeah, can you sign this album for me, Paulie? [sighs]

[KEITH glares at PAUL again]

PAUL: Course I can! [signs the album HEATHER BURDON gives him] That okay?

HEATHER B: Oh, yeah, thanks, it’s lovely…

KEITH: ‘Ev, er, wot ews do we ‘ave?

HEATHER B: I can’t remember. What’ve we got, Chalkie and Blackie?

JOHN E, PETE: That wasn’t fanny the first taim!

KEITH: Yes it was!

GEORGE: ‘Ey, fer non-alkie punch, this isn’ ‘alf good!

HEATHER T: [coming out dressed as a pear] Thanks, me and Emily made it! I’m Heather, by the way.

EMILY: [coming out dressed as an apple] We’ve come as cockney rhyming slang!

HEATHER T: Yeah, apples and pears!

PETE: That’s so clevah of ya, M!

KEITH: [flashing a cheeky grin at HEATHER BURDON] ‘Ey, M an’ ‘Evvah Tork, won’ you ‘ave sam panch?

HEATHER T: Good idea! [helping herself to a large glass]

[as more guests arrive, HEATHER BURDON and KEITH give everyone more punch until everyone is absolutely well and truly drunk except for them.]

LULU: I didn’t realise that Keith and his girlfriend were as mad as each other! I mean, they’re truly mental!

KATIE: Yeah, we have to live with it.

ROGER: Yeah. Oh, I feel a bit sick… [runs to bathroom]

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH dance past everyone and help themselves to a bottle of beer each]

HEATHER B: This is so much fun, Keith! Emily’s plastered and she doesn’t know it!

KEITH: Yeah, look at poor Donovan, she’ll traumatise ‘im if she carries on laik that…

[they both look at EMILY in silence for a second]

HEATHER B, KEITH: Eeeewww, that’s really gross…

HEATHER T: [rushing up in a drunken stupor to HEATHER BURDON] Have you seen Paul?

HEATHER B: Yeah, he’s over there [pointing over to Paul]

HEATHER T: Thanks. PAULIE! There you are, come and dance with me!

PAUL: [looking rather scared] Er, I don’ really want ter dance, ‘Eath… [screams as he’s dragged off by HEATHER TORK]

KEITH: I bet ‘e’s nevah pulled a lovelier lookin’ pear before in ‘is laif!

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH laugh dirtily at his joke]

THE NEXT DAY -

HEATHER T: [groans] Oh, my head!

EMILY: [groggily] What did I do last night?

HEATHER B: Well, Donovan left looking as white as a sheet, and that’s all I’m saying!

KEITH: I bet ‘e’s nevah bin raped by an apple befow!

EMILY: [shocked] I didn’t?

[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON nod]

EMILY: Oh god…

HEATHER T: I don’t understand it, all I drank was that punch!

EMILY: Me too!

HEATHER T: And it was non-alcoholic!

EMILY: Yeah!

[HEATHER TORK and EMILY look at each other and then slowly turn their heads to HEATHER BURDON and KEITH, who try to meet their gaze but stare at the floor instead]

EMILY: Well, it WAS when WE left it…

HEATHER T: Yeah…

HEATHER B: [gulps] Was it? Well, it should’ve stayed like that!

HEATHER T: Unless somebody put something in it…

KEITH: Yeah, I wandah ‘oo could’ve dan sammink that wilful an’ nahsty?

HEATHER B: Yeah, it’s just not good enough!

HEATHER T: Could you two have had anything to do with it?

KEITH: [innocently] ‘Oo, us?

HEATHER B: Would we?!

EMILY, HEATHER T: YES!

HEATHER T: You did, didn’t you?

EMILY: Oh no! I’m drunk! I’ve got my first ever hangover!

HEATHER T: And I took a vow of non-alcoholism!

EMILY: So did I !

[Enter ROGER, looking green around the gills]

ROGER: [moans] Ugh, so did I!

ALL: [angrily] YOU TWO GOT US ALL DRUNK!

KEITH: Er, wew, it wasn’t laik that!

HEATHER B: No, see…

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH look at the bloodthirsty looks in everyone’s eyes.]

KEITH: You knaw wot we should do, ‘Ev?

HEATHER B: Yes.

KEITH: RUN!

[And so HEATHER BURDON and KEITH ran out of the house, leaving the others unhappy because a) they were all really badly hung over and b) they had the whole house to clean by themselves]

THE END