The Who on Holiday

“Sow, where shall we gow this year on our ‘olidays?” Pete asked to whoever was listening. Keith was in a world of his own and John was taking Boris for a walk, so it was up to Roger who tore himself away from his mirror long enough to hold a conversation.

“I’ve nevah bin ta the Isle o’ Man, ya knaw,” he told him. Pete rolled his eyes.

“Rogah. We are in a rock band. Rock bands gow ta the Baharmahs an’ Florida an’ staff fer their ‘olidays. Rock bands do not spend their ‘olidays in the Isle of Bladdy Man!!” he informed him in a highly exasperated tone. Roger shrugged.

“Wew, jast fort it’d be a naice chainge for as,” he commented, and turned back to his beloved mirror. Keith woke up from his daydream.

“Ey, ya knaw, Pait, Rog maight be raight! We could ‘ave a naice taim in the Isle o’ Man!” he pointed out. Pete closed his eyes and shuddered.

“I AIN’T bladdy goin’ ta the bladdy Isle o’ bladdy Man!” he firmly told him.

“You down’ ‘ave ta. Me ‘n’ Rog ‘n’ Jun can gow on our own,” Keith replied. Pete sat up with a start.

“Wot? Ya mean, yi’d gow on ‘oliday wivaht me?” he asked, incredulously, fighting back a tear or two. Keith nodded.

“Yeah. Maiks sense. We can ‘ave tha room your nose’d taik ap fer our beach staff,” he reasoned.

“You got a point there, Moonie!” agreed Roger.

“Bat, wot abaht me?” Pete asked.

“Wew ya cahn’t leave that nose o’ yows at ‘ome,” Keith told him. Roger shook his head in agreement. Pete bit his lip.

“Ya mean, yi’d leave me an’ my nose at ‘ome?” he squeaked. Keith and Roger looked at each other and laughed.

“Don’t be so bladdy soft! Bat CAN we gow ta the Isle o’ Man?” Roger begged. Pete looked at him, and looked at Keith. It appeared that nobody, male or female, could possibly resist Keith’s eyes, because Pete shook his head and agreed to go to The Isle of Man with them.

“The fings I get meswef intah fer you two…” he muttered to nobody in particular, he just wanted to complain. John was informed of the decision when he returned from his walk with Boris. John was quite proud of Boris that day. He’d given two old ladies heart attacks, made a 12 year old girl wet herself with fright, and still got away unscathed! So, naturally, he was in a great mood and was very excited about going to the Isle of Man.

The next week they were on their way on the boat to the Isle of Man. Keith was annoying everyone by jumping up and down on the boat ‘just ta maik shaw it won’t sink laik tha bladdy Titanic’ until Roger punched him to shut up. Roger was eyeing up a few waitresses, most of whom were eyeing him up too. Pete was writing a song and debating whether or not to smash his guitar up on the boat. John was sat in a dark corner, brooding away, upset because he couldn’t take Boris away with him.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was only a couple of hours, they finally arrived. Roger ran out first onto the beach, whipping his shirt and trousers off because he wanted to have a quick swim (it’s all right, he was wearing swimming trunks!). John stopped brooding for a while and ran after him. Soon they were splashing about like mad things. Keith ran along the sand and bought an ice cream, while Pete noticed a guy giving donkey rides. He walked up to him. Now, normally, Pete wouldn’t have taken a blind bit of notice of him, but he was bemused by the permanent grin the man had on his face.

“’Ello, mait, wot’s ya naim?” he asked politely.

“My name’s Jack. Everyone calls me Happy Jack because I’m so happy,” Jack answered. Pete looked confused.

“Why are you ahwaiys ‘appy, Jeck?” he asked.

“Because I know a secret!” came the reply. Pete shook his head.

“Mast be a pretty decent secret ta keep a grin on ya faice laik that!” he commented. Jack nodded.

“Shall I tell ya?” he offered. Pete shrugged.

“Wew, if ya wont ta, then by aw means!” he answered. Jack leaned towards him and whispered in his ear.

“Well I can’t because then it wouldn’t be a secret would it?!” Pete rolled his eyes.

“S’pose yer raight. Wew, Jeck, fanks fer ya taim, yi’ve bin a great ‘ewp!” he told him and waved goodbye. He walked along the beach for a while, then looked round for the other three. John and Roger were still swimming in the sea. Fine, they were all right. He looked around for Keith, but couldn’t see him.

“Keef?” he called out, “Keef?!” No answer. “KEEF MOON WIW YOU GET YER ARSE OVAH ‘ERE RAIGHT NAW!” he yelled.

“I’m ‘ere, ya pillock!” Keith answered. Pete looked down at his elbow, and sure enough, there was the pretty, dark-haired, brown-eyed drummer stood next to him. Pete blushed.

“Oh, sorry, mait, fergot yer so showt when yi’ve no shoes on!” he apologised. Keith scowled at him and turned to walk away. Pete grabbed his arm.

“’Ang on! We’re gowin’ ta faind samwhere ta staiy!” he told him, “I’ll gow an’ get Jun an’ Rogah. Down’ move a massuw!” he ordered, sternly. Keith nodded. Pete trundled off to get them.

“JUN! ROG! C’MUN WE’RE GOWIN’ NAW!” he called. Roger ignored him and carried on ducking John under the water.

“Roger!” he called, angrily. Finally, Roger allowed John up for air and came ashore. John followed him, gasping for air.

“Down’ evah traiy bladdy killin’ me again, Daltrey!” he gulped.

“Surry, Jun, bat it was only a birrov fan!” Roger answered. Pete and John shook their heads. Sometimes they wondered how much of an influence Keith really had on him, but were too afraid to ask. Pete turned to get Keith, who was kissing a poor unsuspecting victim, who didn’t seem to mind too much. John rolled his eyes.

“Keef! C’mun, we’re gowin’ naw!” he told him, tugging him away from the girl. She sighed.

“See you later then, Keef?” she asked. He nodded.

“Yeah, pick ya ap at ‘ahf seven in the ‘otew bar, ‘k?” he told her. She nodded eagerly and they left.

“Jew even know ‘er naim?” asked Roger. Keith contemplated this for a second.

“Er, Eleanor. No, Joyce. No, Natasha. Can’t remember,” he answered, shrugging his shoulders. Pete sighed. Sometimes he wondered how much of in influence Roger had on Keith, but was too afraid to ask.

“You’re gonna ‘ave ta remember it befow ya see ‘er taniaght,” he informed him.

“She won’t care wevvah I know ‘er naim or not, just s’long’s I give ‘er a kiss,” Keith replied simply. John and Roger shook their heads and nobody said anything more.

They found a hotel and booked two rooms next door to each other. John and Pete quickly unpacked and ran into Keith and Roger’s room to see how they were getting on. They were still arguing over who was going to have the bed by the window.

“Bat wot if I wannah flaiy?” asked Keith. Well, who knows, he could’ve wanted to!

“I’ll bladdy kill ya!” Roger shouted. “I’m ‘avin’ the bed by the window and that’s an end to it!”

“Ya bladdy aren’t!” Keith answered angrily. Then they saw John and Pete were in the room and they shut up. Pete and John shook their heads but said nothing about it. Keith announced that he was going to start getting ready for his date and went to the bathroom. After half an hour he came out in his little towel and started drying himself (er, he had no shame). Then he quickly got dressed and put lots and lots and LOTS of aftershave on.

“Arsk ‘er if she knows why ‘Appy Jeck’s ahwaiys ‘appy,” Pete told him. Keith looked confused.

“’Oo the bladdy ‘ew is ‘Appy Jeck?” he demanded.

“The donkey ride man,” came the reply. Keith shook his head. Finally, Pait’s flipped, he thought sadly. Heh heh, not that I can tawk!

“I’m gowin’ naw. I’ll proberly be back abaht midders, so down’ wait ap fer me,” he told them and walked through the door, shutting firmly behind him. John turned to Pete.

“Why jew wannah knaw abaht ‘Appy Jeck?” he wanted to know.

“Cos I got an idea fer a song!” Pete answered. Roger shrugged.

“That’s aw very wew, Pait, bat wot if I wanned ta flaiy aht o’ this winder wiv Moonie? Maybe I’d flaiy mailes away an’ yi’d nevah see me agin. Then ‘oo’d sing it fer ya?” he asked, sceptically.

“You been takin’ them LSD fings o’ Moonie’s agin, Rog?” John demanded. Roger shook his head.

“Nah, they’re evil! I’m on the appers naw!” he replied. Pete and John shook their heads in despair.

“If ya flew aht the winder then I’d be very sapraised, an’ we’d jast ‘ave ta drag ya back in!” John answered for Pete. Roger nodded.

“Jast s’long’s I knaw!” he finished, happily.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning Keith came in, talking very loudly with his date, who, it turned out, was called Emily. She’d come on holiday too, from New York (the state mind you, not the city!). Keith did wonder why on earth anyone in their right mind would want to go to the Isle of Man from New York but never bothered to ask. Although he did get the impression during their date that she wasn’t actually in her right mind so he understood. Roger was still high on the uppers he’d taken so Pete and John didn’t even bother going to their rooms because they knew they wouldn’t be able to sleep with him still mad. Roger took one look at Emily and grinned broadly.

“Wew, ‘ello, my dear gel, wot brings you ‘ere?” he asked, the picture of charm. Emily giggled and blushed the same colour as her hair (which, fortunately, was red, not blue or green or anything).

“Erm, it was Keith, we’ve just been out on a date,” she told him. Roger nodded.

“See ‘e gets aw the best lookin’ gels f’r’imsewf, dannie?” he remarked. Keith nodded.

“Yeah, s’keep them dirty paws ta yersewf, Daltrey,” he warned him, holding Emily tighter.

“So, jew knaw whaiy ‘Appy Jeck’s ahways ‘appy?” Pete asked her.

“Happy Jack, the donkey ride man?” she asked him. He nodded eagerly. “Sure I do, don’t everybody?”

“’E wouldn’t tew me,” Pete admitted.

“Oh. You just need to offer him a kiss and he’ll tell you,” Emily advised him. Pete looked at her in disgust.

“Look, I dannow wot you fink I am, bat I ain’t kissin’ a bloke fer nobody!” he sternly told her. Emily looked up at him and froze. She had never seen a nose quite so big in her whole life!

“Can I ask you something?” she began, her voice full of wonder. He nodded for her to continue, “Is that nose real?!” John could see how very tactful she was and started to laugh.

“Ya fink ‘e could buy one that bad?” he asked, giggling. Pete scowled at her, said his goodnights and stormed into his room. Emily gulped.

“Oh, I feel terrible now!” she moaned, “I hope I didn’t hurt his feelings too much!” She hated upsetting people more than anything. Keith grinned and kissed her.

“’E’w get ovah it, peepuw’ve said mach worse abaht ‘is nose!” he told her, and cuddled her tightly. She shrugged.

“I didn’t get to tell him why Happy Jack’s always happy!” she remembered suddenly. At almost the same second, Pete came through the door and said, “You nevah towd me why ‘Appy Jeck’s ahwaiys ‘appy!” Everyone laughed and Emily quickly told him the reason why Jack was always so happy. When she did, Pete wished he’d never asked…