Once upon a time there lived a little boy named John. His favourite item of clothing was a black parka jacket with a hood, so his nickname was Little Black Riding Hood. However, for the sake of delaying my writer's cramp for as long as possible, I'll just call him Junnykins.
One day, Junnykins' mother sent him to visit his alcoholic grandfather who lived at the other side of the forest. So he packed a basket full of brandy and bananas and other such delicacies with which to passify his ill grandfather (he did become a bit of a psycho after a few brandies, you see), and skipped off. as he was merrily bounding through the woods stopping every now and again to brood, he bumped into a wolf who had an extraordinarily long nose.
"'Ello, Little Black Ridin' 'Ood!" the wolf grinned.
"'Ow jew knaw my naim, Pait?" Junnykins asked in wonder.
"Cos everyone knaws everyone in fairy stowries!" replied the wolf, who, as Junnykins had previously mentioned, was called Pete.
"Oh, I see. 'Ello!" Junnykins smiled.
"An' where are you orf to terdaiy?" Pete the wolf asked.
"I'm goin' ter me Granfarvah Keef's auhse wiv these goodies fow 'im ter drink," Junnykins replied.
"That's naice," Pete the wolf replied, an evil gleam creeping into his eyes which sweet and innocent John didn't catch onto. "I'll let you gow to 'im then, see yer soon, Jun!" he smiled as he ran off in the direction of John's grandfather's house. Junnykins didn't take much notice and carried on skipping through the forest to his grandfather's house.
Well, while John was skipping along to his grandfather's house, the big bad wolf ran ahead and broke into Grandfather Keith's bedroom and gobbled him up. Keith couldn't put up much of a fight because he was old and drunk. Well, not DRUNK, all you Donny and Marie fans, just, uh, he'd taken his medicine... Ahem. So when the wolf had eaten Keith, he dressed up as him and got into bed just as Junnykins knocked at the door.
"Cam... er, cam in, dear boy - er, or gel, I dunno 'oo's behind the door, obviously. I mean, 's not laik I'm the big bad wolf or ennyfink - oh, shat ap, Pait... Cam in!" the wolf called in a Keith voice. John bounded in, all full of the joys of winter, and ran straight up to the bed where the wolf lay.
"'Ello, Grandad, I've brought you sam brandy!" Junnykins declared, putting the basket on the worlf's knees.
"Fank you, dear boy," the wolf replied, grinning.
"My my, Grandad, wot an 'airy faice you've got!" John gasped.
"Er, aw the bettah to... er... wew, I jast fergot to 'ave a shaive terday," the wolf explained.
"I see. Woah, wot big ears you 'ave, Grandad," Junnykins continued.
"Yer cheeky git! I don't 'ave ter pat ap wiv aw this, y'know," the wolf protested.
"You don't 'alf 'ave a big gob, Grandad," John noticed.
"Yer cheeky baggah, 's all the bettah to EAT you wiv, dear boy!" the wolf growled as he ripped the bedclothes off and chased poor Junnykins around the room.
"'EWP! SAIVE ME!" screamed Junnykins as he tried to hide under the bed. "Nobody can saive yer naw, I'm gonna eat yer fer me tea!" the wolf roared.
"I s'pose yer need me, you're very skinny, aren't ya?" John reasoned.
"Mere skin and bone," Pete the wolf agreed sadly.
Just then, the front door burst open and in ran a short blond woodcutter named Roger. He was wielding a scary looking axe thingy and was running to the wolf, screaming in a high pitched voice and shaking his horrific hair at him.
"GIVE KEEF BACK, YOU 'ORRID GIT!" Roger yelled angrily.
"Yer a swine. Innee, George?" asked John Lennon as he walked past the window.
"Yeah, a swine," George Harrison agreed.
"You keep aut o' this!" Roger shouted as he nimbly cut Pete the wolf open and pulled out Grandfather Keith from the wolf's stomach.
"Fanks, dear boy, it was 'orrid an' smelly in there!" Keith declared, hugging John and kissing Roger.
"'Ey, we could put that in the video to Caw Me Laightnin'!" Roger suggested.
"Good idea. I fink this caws fer a glahs o' brandy, ole boy!" Keith decided, opening the brandy and pouring out three large measures for him, John and Roger. Then they went off and they all lived happily ever after.