[Open on the inside of a hospital ward. HEATHER TORK is in a hospital bed because she’s been taken ill. JOHN has been keeping a bedside vigil, although he’s been brooding a lot so hasn’t been great company.]
HEATHER T: Johnny, you can talk if you like!
JOHN: Er, surry… Er, ‘ow are ya?
HEATHER T: I’ve not changed since you last asked me five minutes ago!
[Enter the rest of the crew]
HEATHER B, KEITH: HEATHER!!! Hiya! We’ve come to cheer you up!
HEATHER T: [nervously] John, didn’t I tell the nurse I was too tired to see them?!
PETE: Yeah, bat ya knaw wot their eyes are laik!
HEATHER B: Yeah, and anyway, we’re coming to make you feel better, we’re doing a Good Turn!
KEITH: Yeah!
ROGER: So, ‘Ev, wot’re the people laik?
HEATHER T: Oh, they’re okay. The nurses are nice.
[JOHN, PETE, ROGER and KEITH’s ears all prick up]
THE WHO: Nurses?
HEATHER T: They generally have those at hospitals, yes.
HEATHER B: Heath, you’ve gone so sarcastic since you got here, I’m dead impressed!
HEATHER T: Thanks!
KEITH: So, ennywaiy, wot abaht these nurses, wot do they look laik?
PETE: Are they yang?
ROGER: An’ pretty?
JOHN: An’ do they wear them taight little autfits? [sees HEATHER TORK glaring at him] Not that I’m int’rested… O’ cowse…
HEATHER B: Why are YOU so interested, Keith?
KEITH: [loftily, but flashing an evil smirk] I’ve always ‘ad an interest in the nursin’ profession, ‘Ev.
HEATHER B: Oh.
[Enter MATRON. She is a rotund middle aged woman, about 4’11”, who sports a hefty moustache and wrinkly tights]
HEATHER T: [to THE WHO] She’s the best looking one.
[THE WHO all let out a disappointed sigh at the same time]
MATRON: Now, Miss Tork, I thought you said you were too ill to have many visitors, and I see you have quite a party gathered… OH MY GOD! ROGER DALTREY! [face drops a mile and suddenly she goes all giggly] Oh, hmmhmm, I didn’t, heehee, realise, you, umm, knew Heather, heehee!
ROGER: [looking around for KATIE so she can save him] Yeah, we aw live tergevvah in our ‘auhse, aw eight of as!
MATRON: I’m sure that must be a tight squeeze…
HEATHER B: That’s nothing compared to what he packs into those tighter than tight trousers, love!
[KEITH falls on the floor laughing while ROGER blushes]
KEITH: ‘Evvah, you’re magic!
KATIE: Hiya, Matron, I’m Katie. Roger’s GIRLFRIEND.
MATRON: [looking despondent] Oh… Well, would you all like something to eat?
ALL: Oh yes please!
MATRON: I’ve got some apple pie in the fridge and some squirty cream!
[ROGER’s eyes glint evilly as he looks over to MATRON]
ROGER: Oh, ‘ave ya naw?
MATRON: [eyeing him suspiciously] Yes, why?
ROGER: Cam wiv me, I’ll show ya this great fing ya can do wiv squirty cream! [taking MATRON’s hand and leading her off to the fridge]
KEITH: Oh gawd.
HEATHER B: What?
KEITH: I knaw wot ‘is fing is wiv the cream… [whispers in HEATHER BURDON’s ear. HEATHER BURDON looks at KEITH and then runs off to the bathroom to throw up. She returns looking somewhat green around the gills]
HEATHER B: Keith, that’s disgusting. We’ve got to stop him before it’s too late!
KATIE: [looking worried] Stop what?!
KEITH: Nevah maind. Le’s go an’ faind ‘im.
[Exit HEATHER BURDON and KEITH]
HEATHER T: [annoyed] Well, this is just dandy, three of my friends have abandoned me and so has the Matron!
JOHN: Wew, I’m still ‘ere, ‘Ev!
HEATHER T: Good, I’m glad.
KATIE: I’m really worried about what Rogie’s doing.
EMILY: Oh I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about!
PETE: You’ve nevah seen ‘im let loose wiv a can o’ that staff then?
KATIE: No.
PETE: Gawd ‘ewp ya! ‘E’s not allowed squirty cream, an’ you’ll soon find out why…
[Enter ROGER and MATRON. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON are nowhere to be seen, but ROGER starts acting… well… oddly.]
ROGER: ‘Ey Katie, why doncha cam ‘ere an’ sit on my lap, an’ laitah wiv me, ‘ave a nap?
KATIE: Oh, Rogie, I thought you’d never ask!
ROGER: M, why doncha cam ‘ere an’ sit on my lap, an’ laitah wiv me, ‘ave a nap?
EMILY: Umm, pardon?!
PETE: Rogah, cat it aut!
ROGER: Rogah? [sings] My name is Ivor, I’m an engine driver…
MATRON: [gazing at ROGER in wonder] I know some people are lactose intolerant but this is just ridiculous!
ROGER: Matron, I fink we’ve awready met, you wanna cam ‘ere an’ sit on lap, an’ laitah wiv me, ‘ave a nap?
MATRON: [to everyone else] Would this be taking unfair advantage on someone as ill as he appears to be?
[Everyone looks at ROGER who has never looked healthier before in his life and then look at MATRON]
PETE: Oh, I fink it’s awraight, yes, I fink it’s awraight!
KATIE: I FLIPPIN’ WELL DON’T! Give him back, he’s MINE! [jumps on top of MATRON and starts hitting her while screaming “you’re not gonna take him, never have and never will!” at her]
MATRON: [shielding herself from the blows] Okay, okay, I was only ASKING!
KATIE: [stopping hitting MATRON] Oh, okay.
JOHN: [remembering] Nevah maind aw you lot, wot abaht ‘Evvah Burdon an’ Keef?
PETE: Wot abaht ‘em?
JOHN: They’re not ‘ere.
KATIE: So?
JOHN: So ‘Evvah Louise Burdon an’ Keef Jun Moon, possibly the two most insane people in Britain, ‘ave been let loose in an ‘ospital!
[The realisation of what this could possibly mean hits everyone and they all sit down in shock]
PETE: Oh no.
EMILY: Surely they won’t do anything too bad in a hospital?
JOHN: You nevah can tew wiv them two…
HEATHER T: I’m really sorry, Matron.
MATRON: [waking up from her daydream of what it would really be like to sit on ROGER’s lap, and later with him, have a nap] Pardon? Oh, don’t worry about it, we’ve had much madder people around this hospital than those. They seemed perfectly normal to me!
ROGER: [who by now has totally recovered] Normaw? Wew, eivah this is an ‘ospital for TOTAL wackos, or you nevah got a decent first impression!
MATRON: [sits down on a bed slowly] Oh God, no.
PETE: I fort they said they were goiwina faind you two!
ROGER: Wew, they nevah did…
EMILY: Oh no, they told us [sings] lies, lies, la la la la la la lies…
JOHN: Gawd, where the ‘ew could they be?
CUT TO -
SCENE 2
[Open on a hospital corridor. There is dirty sniggering heard and at first it’s impossible to tell where from. Suddenly the camera zooms in on a door which says ‘CARETAKER’S OFFICE, KNOCK AND WAIT’. The giggling is much louder from there.]
HEATHER B: [from the other side of the door, giggling] Oh, Keefie, this is really bad, isn’t it?
CUT TO -
SCENE 3
[Open on the inside of the cupboard. KEITH has a box of surgical gloves on a table, and HEATHER BURDON has a box of those drip things for drip machines]
KEITH: This is really bad, ‘Ev, bat we cahn’t leave our mark on this ‘ospital any avvah way! [puts on gloves in an Uncle Ernie fashion, including the grunting, although that’s for the sole purpose of…]
HEATHER B: Oh, Keefie, c’mere! [snogs KEITH and switches the light off]
KEITH: [protesting slightly in a muffled voice] ‘Evvah, we cahn’t do this! Not in an ‘ospital!
HEATHER B: [in a determined muffled voice] We can!
KEITH: Okay!
[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH start giggling in an Ernie fashion again as we…]
CUT TO -
SCENE 4
[Back in the hospital ward. PETE is pacing up and down the floor, looking really worried. JOHN and HEATHER TORK are praying that KEITH and HEATHER BURDON won’t get into too much mischief. EMILY and KATIE are contemplating ringing home and leaving the country in shame and MATRON is absent-mindedly talking to ROGER about cream.]
MATRON: I think that supermarket’s own brands aren’t a patch on your Anchor cream and such.
ROGER: [trying not to let anyone see how much this conversation is affecting him] I see, I’ll bear that in mind, Matron.
[Enter a NURSE]
NURSE: Matron, there’s somebody here who’d like to talk to you. [The three remaining members of THE WHO gaze at the NURSE whom they’re sure they’ve seen somewhere before]
NURSE: [pointing to ROGER] OHMIGOD! YOU’RE TOMMY!
ROGER: Yeah, and?
NURSE: [gasps] Tommy, can ya [gasps] hear me? [pants] Can ya [gulps] feel me near you?
ROGER: [backing off] Yes I can ‘ear you perfectly wew!
PETE: She really reminds me of someone… Can’t fink ‘oo…
KATIE: How come everyone here has got something about Rogie?
1st VOICE OVER TANNOY: Dunno, love, I can’t see it myself!
JOHN: I recognise that voice!
2nd VOICE OVER TANNOY: Me neivah!
[1st VOICE and 2nd VOICE burst out laughing]
EMILY: I’d know THAT laugh anywhere!
ROGER: It’s Keef an’ ‘Evvah Burdon!
HEATHER T: How did they find the tannoy?
MATRON: They must be in the radio station part of the hospital.
PETE: Wew, I’ve got ta get them! [jumps up to go looking for them]
EMILY: [jumping up too] I’ll come with you, Pete.
PETE: Nah, it’s okaiy, I’ll go on me own.
[Exit PETE]
IRISH VOICE OVER TANNOY: [coughs] I’d loik to infarm yiz arl dat der’s been an accident at de lowcal zoo. Twenty poisonous snakes have escaped and are on de loose so de police are advoisin’ everyone ta stay at home and lock de doors.
[The whole hospital erupts into panicked screaming, and start running out of the wards in a frenzy, even the old people who can hardly walk]
MATRON: Now, come on, patients, there’s no need to panic, the police have got everything under control, no panic! Go back to bed and we’ll come and see you in a few minutes!
EMILY: [to HEATHER TORK] Y’know, that voice sounds awfully familiar. Heather Burdon always did a great Irish accent.
HEATHER T: Yeah. Oh NO! It was Heather! It must’ve been!
EMILY: Oh no! MATRON!!
MATRON: What?
EMILY: It was Heather Burdon who made that announcement!
MATRON: Right, that’s it, I’m going to my office to have a lie down, my nerves are totally shot at!
[Exit MATRON]
JOHN: I fink they’ve really excelled themsewves this taim!
ROGER: Yeah. Quait impressive!
KATIE: Rogie, what if they get into trouble?
ROGER: It’ll serve Keef raight fer bein’ ‘orrid to me fer bein’ fick!
KATIE: But what about Heather?
ROGER: It’ll serve ‘ER raight fer being laik ‘im!
EMILY: [sarcastically] I love your idea of justice, Rog!
ROGER: Wew, they bring it on themsewves, they really do!
JOHN: [sarcastically] Oh, the compassion!
[suddenly MATRON lets out a large scream]
MATRON: HEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!!!!
[Everyone except HEATHER TORK rushes out to see what’s wrong. Outside of MATRON’s office door there are surgical gloves stuck to drip bags for drip machines which are full of whipped cream. There is a message on the front of the door, which JOHN reads out]
JOHN: [reading] “The glavs are for the next taim Rogah tries ta show ya wot ta do wiv whipped cream!” Oh dear lawd, that can only be two people…
EMILY: With handwriting as awful as that, it can only be Heather!
KATIE: With an accent as bad as that, it can only be Keith!
ROGER: [blushing] Dear lawd, now I’m really not impressed!
[Enter PETE with HEATHER BURDON and KEITH tucked under each of his arms, both struggling to get free]
PETE: [grimly] I faund these two in the radio station where you said, Matron.
MATRON: [still shocked] LOOK at what they’ve done to my door!
[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH laugh hysterically. PETE drops them on the floor, they shout “OW!” loudly at him.]
KEITH: [nodding his head towards MATRON’s office door] ‘Ev, I fink that was one of my bettah ideas!
HEATHER B: So do I!
PETE: [angrily] That’s IT! You cahn’t go aut fer a week!
HEATHER BURDON, KEITH: [shocked] We WOT?!
PETE: You ‘eard!
KEITH: Ya cahn’t do this to as, Pait! It’s laik taikin’ away our reason fer livin’!
HEATHER B: Yeah!
PETE: [insistently] You’ve dan sammink really bad, an’ you gotta be pannished fer it!
KEITH: No, Pait, ennyfink bat not goin’ aut!
HEATHER B: Please Pete!
[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH gaze at PETE, hoping that the method they had used since they met for getting round PETE would work once more…]
PETE: No, I’m sorry, bat I mean it this taim! [to MATRON] Matron, I’m so sorry abaht this! ‘Ow can we evvah maik it ap to ya?
MATRON: [shaking] Well, I think it’ll take quite a lot, because I’m traumatised now!
ROGER: I fink I knaw jast the fing! [snogs MATRON] There, bettah?
MATRON: [swooning] Oh I feel so much better now. [Sings in a JOHN voice] Yoooooou are forgiiiiiiiiiiivvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnn!!!
KATIE: [not impressed] Rogie, WHAT was that for?
ROGER: So that we wouldn’t get sued by Matron for apsettin’ ‘er!
KATIE: Oh…
KEITH: I don’t believe Rogah actually ‘ad a plan that worked!
HEATHER B: Me neither!
KEITH: [to PETE] Surely this was a beneficial exercise cos it ‘ewped Rogah ta fink of a good plan!
HEATHER B: Yeah!
ROGER: Did it?
KATIE: Yes!
PETE: Wew, you ‘ave a point…
KEITH: You said yersewf that you wished Rogah could fink fer ‘imsewf more! An’ this was jast the fing ta do it!
PETE: You mean, I should really fank you two?
HEATHER B: Yeah, we made it all possible!
KEITH: Yeah!
JOHN: ‘Ey, Keef an’ ‘Evvah ‘ave a point.
EMILY: Yeah.
ROGER: So, they aren’t in trabbuw?
PETE: It would appear not.
[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON run around the others, cheering, whooping and dancing]
HEATHER B: We can go out tonight!
KEITH: Yeaaaahh!
KEITH, HEATHER BURDON: [sings] WELL SHAKE IT UP BABY NOW!!
PETE: Dear lawd, wot ‘ave I dan?
[And so they all (except HEATHER TORK) went home, a mixture of emotions because a) PETE had had his authority undermined once more, b) HEATHER BURDON and KEITH got away with their prank scot-free, c) HEATHER TORK was still ill in hospital, d) ROGER had snogged another woman in front of KATIE and e) at least KEITH and HEATHER BURDON wouldn’t be causing trouble at home that night...]
THE END
CAST
KEITH MOON - as himself
PETE TOWNSHEND - as himself
JOHN ENTWISTLE - as himself
ROGER DALTREY - as himself
HEATHER BURDON - Heather Wainwright
HEATHER TORK - Heather Spears
EMILY LEITCH - Emily Lizzi
KATIE LEITCH - Katie Lizzi
MATRON - Dusty Springfield
NURSE - Ann-Margret
CREAM - c/o Farmer Giles’ Dairy Farm